I do not own Heroes or anything related.


Commentator: Welcome back my normal and hero wannabe friends to the second chapter of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'! Before we begin let's look at the reviews you sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!

(The Professor does so, and out pops an envelope)

Commentator: Right then! (Takes and opens envelope) Our one and only review is from crazysane:

This is funny, you should definately write some more, if only for my sake. Pretty please!

Commentator: Thank you for your review, crazysane! Anonymius was beginning to think that this parody wasn't very good. And here's your wish, the second chapter, "Don't Look Leap"!


Peter: Groan, what happened?

Nathan: You fell by a fourteen foot drop, crashing either on the car or the ground, it's not made very clear where you landed, yet all you've suffered was a mild concussion, and even though you're miraculously unharmed, the doctors still want to keep you until tonight.

Peter: Huh. That makes sense.

Nathan: No it doesn't. Now let me make you doubt your sanity by denying that we ever flew.

Peter: -But, I hadn't even mentioned it yet!

Nathan: …No, but you were definitely thinking it!

Peter: Wait, how could you have possibly known what I was thinking?

Nathan: Because I'm your older brother.

Peter: But you couldn't possibly-

Nathan: YOU'RE INSANE!


Meanwhile in Texas, in a small town a blond high school fifteen-year-old cheerleader has just discovered that she has regenerative abilities and can come back from the dead an infinite number of times. No. It's not Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Her name's Claire Bennett, and due to living in a normal family (Where unknown to her, her father is in cliché style the main villain of the series. No it's not the John Lithgow character from the Santa Claus movie), naturally she desires to know about her real parents.

Claire: There are so many questions that I need answering. Who are my parents? Where does my ability come from? And how is it that I've lived in Texas all my life yet I don't sound Texan?

Zach: Claire, none of us sound Texan, you don't see any of us complaining!


Meanwhile in Los Angeles, a cop is at the scene of the most gruesome murder he's ever seen.

Cop 1: Well this is the most gruesome murder I've ever seen. The scalp has been removed and the brain taken out, which is nowhere to be seen.

Cop 2: Are you saying that we're dealing with some sort of zombie?

Cop 3: But it's daylight outside!

Cop 2: That's a vampire, you nitwit!

Cop 3: Same type of living!


Meanwhile back in New York, Peter has a cunning plan to make Nathan confess about his flying ability.

Peter: If you don't say you flew then I'll jump off this ledge!

Wait. That's your cunning plan? Either he confesses or you kill yourself? I don't think you've thought this through!

Nathan: Well even though you'll be able to fly anyway I'm going to confess anyway for no reason that we both flew.

Peter: YOU'RE JUST TELLING ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR! I CAN'T FLY!

Hmm. Maybe you ARE insane.

Nathan: Pete, look! You're flying!

Peter: I'm flying? I'M FLYING! For some reason knowing this makes me unbelievably happy and makes me want to hug you!

Nathan: And for some reason you learning that you can fly makes me unbelievably happy and makes me want to hug you!

Commentator: This has got to be the worst planned out scene I have ever watched!


Meanwhile in inter-franchise limbo, the Commentator and the Professor discuss the layout of the series so far.

Commentator: I'm just saying having the ordinary people discovering that they have extraordinary abilities dotted throughout the world rather than being concentrated in one country would have made a far more interesting storyline! I mean I thought this series was supposed to deal with mutants of the world, not America!

Professor: They're not all based in America!

Commentator: Oh yes, one Japanese character, one against like ten, that completely makes it an international cast!

Professor: There's also Suresh!

Commentator: Oh yes, two non-American main characters in a show that's supposed to deal with the world's mutants rather than just one part of the world, two makes it multinational!

Professor: They're called heroes, Sir, not mutants.

Commentator: No, a hero is someone who does things heroically. Have any of these characters done anything heroically? I mean all of them?

Professor: Well, they're all embarking on the journey of becoming heroes! It's just a general fan term, Sir-

Commentator: Prof, you know how I feel about fan terms! I've never used the term 'meteor freak', and I'm not using the term 'hero' to refer to what clearly are mutants!

Sammy the Slug: (Slivers in) Isn't that term copyrighted by X-Men or something?

Commentator: No! I mean first you accept fan terms for things, then you start accepting mistranslations of words from other languages, then you start believing in whatever one fan said about a series being apparently crap, causing problems for everyone! I prefer to craft my own dialogue and make my own views on something rather than be a sheep and regurgitate whatever it was a really picky, snuck-up fan once said.

Sammy: Isn't it parrots that repeat something that was said?

Commentator: IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH!

Professor: Well anyway I think we've drifted from our original debate, Sir. Television series of any country tend to be own country-centric. Just look at Bleach. Or Doctor Who.

Commentator: Not all of them! I mean Lost had a multinational cast, and you would have expected less people from across the world and more Australians on a plane from Sydney to L.A.! And where were all the Australians?

Professor: Well if you were the creator of Heroes, where would you situate your heroes?

Commentator: Well let's see. (Pulls down a map and takes out a pointer) I think I would have my cast members (Waves the pointer around) here (points at Democratic Republic of the Congo), here (Indonesia), here (Fiji), here (China), here (Canada), here (Iceland), here (Russia), here (Brazil), here (France), here (Japan), here (North Korea), here (Switzerland) and finally here! (United States)

Sammy: Wow! That really is a multinational cast!

Professor: Yes with most of the time in subtitles! Why don't you just create a fanfic involving all these characters with how you think Heroes should be like?

Commentator: I would but sadly I haven't come up with a plot yet.

Professor: Well besides, Sir, I think we'll be seeing more characters from other countries beginning next year. Plus I hear there's going to be this spin-off that deals with characters discovering abilities dotted across the world that will come out at the same time as Season 2. And even should the chance happened that the producers decide to cancel Heroes: Origins due to the workload and a drop in ratings causing them to want to focus on the original, or that the writers attempt to introduce more non-American characters will end in disaster because one fan would compare them to the highly unpopular Nikki and Paulo of Lost, causing them to hate the new characters as well as any other brand new characters and force them to focus on the main characters from Season 1, which itself was probably a problem because it included characters whose plot had already finished and there wasn't anymore character development to develop, ignoring that the point of Heroes was people dealing with extraordinary abilities which may have cause the drop in ratings in the first and only focusing on the same characters will result in continual drop in ratings and any new character introduced will be with their storylines and they will likely be also American and not from another country, there's always the graphic novels.

Commentator: I don't read comic books.

Professor: No, Sir, they're not comic books. They're 'Graphic Novels'.

Commentator: Sure, whatever you say, "Graphic Novels".

Professor: …I'm finding your dismissive view of comics quite surprising, Sir. Don't you read manga?

Commentator: That's completely different!

Professor: How?

Commentator: You mean besides being in black and white and read from right to left?

Professor: I mean how is reading manga any different from reading U.S. comic books?

Commentator: Because every manga that I ever read first drew me in with an excellent anime adaptation. Apart from Fullmetal Alchemist.


Ahem, meanwhile in New York, Peter Petrelli is experimenting to fly again at a playground.

Commentator: I can understand that you're trying to experiment with your ability, but wouldn't it be better not to do it in a public place?

Peter: Hey, there's no one here! Apart from that kid over there.

Commentator: I'm just saying you never know when someone might appear out of nowhere and either think you're a freak or a freak. Either way it won't look good for you. I mean what's wrong with trying to do it in your apartment when no one can see you?

Peter: (Falling from the one hundredth time) I don't understand it! Flying by falling first worked before!

Commentator: No Pete, it didn't. If your brother hadn't caught you, you would have gone splat!


Peter: Hey bro, I wondered if you had some spare time to discuss our abilities-?

Nathan: Go away, I'm busy.

Random Worker One: Hey Nathan! I was wondering if you were free to have a social chat?

Nathan: Sure, I have all the time in the world!

Peter: -Okay, is there a different writer writing for this episode or something? Cos I thought you stopped being an arse last episode?

Nathan: Hey, just because I was glad and hugged you for some reason doesn't mean I've stopped being an arsehole! And yes this episode was written by Jeph Loeb instead of Tim Kring, but I'm sure that has nothing to do with my unexplained reversion!

Peter: Look, Nath, I really think we need to discuss our abilities. Course your home would probably be the place that makes more sense to talk about it rather than at your work place, but then again it's been noted that I don't have a good division between public and private.

Nathan: Abilities? What abilities?

Peter: You know! I can fly and you can fly?

Nathan: -Peter, what are you talking about?

Peter: Nathan, there's no one around, you can talk freely!

Nathan: Pete, are you feeling okay?

Peter: FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN WE FLEW YESTERDAY! I know this episode's written by a different writer but there's no need to completely break continuity!

Commentator: Don't you know? Virtually all continuity errors are caused in a series due to a writer writing something that contradicts something that a previous writer stated!

Nathan: Oh by the way, Pete, I was meaning to tell you this last chapter but the absent-minded author writing all of this forgot to put it in. Don't do a Roger Clinton on me! I'm already seven points behind the polls of my competitor as it is!

Peter: You know maybe if you concerned yourself more with your own personality and less with blaming your low polls on people close to you, you wouldn't be so behind in the polls.

Nathan: What are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with me! I'm perfect!

Random Worker Two: Here's the report you wanted, Mr Petrelli.

Nathan: What the Hell is this? This is crap! (Hits Random Worker Two with the paper) How dare you give me crap like this! I should kill you! I'm serious. I'll use my influence to hire a hit man to assassinate you! Now get out of my face before I decide to fire you!

(Random Worker Two runs away)

Nathan: Now what were we saying?

Peter: That there's nothing wrong with your personality?

Nathan: Yeah, there's nothing to work on.

Peter: Do you only have the two random workers working for you?

Nathan: Pretty much.


Meanwhile elsewhere a Hiro from Japan and his sidekick Ando are on their way to America to save the world. And by the world I mean New York because of course America is the centre of the world and with New York being the most populous city that makes it the most centric part of the U.S. and therefore the world as well!

Ando: Hey! How come we haven't been featured in this parody until now?

Commentator: Anonymius couldn't find anything to make fun about you two until now. It's sort of a rule with him. If he can't find a scene capable of being made fun of, then it's not worth including. You should take it as a compliment! It means that Anonymius doesn't think there's anything wrong with your plot compared with others up until now!

Ando: I guess. Wait, what's in this scene that can be made fun of?

Hiro: You know what I need? A costume. And a secret identity!


Do not be afraid any longer people of Tokyo! Nor you, people of New York! Or anywhere in the world for that matter! Because there's a new hero in town! His name is Chronos! Together with his trusty sidekick Average Joe, Chronos seeks to undo injustice everywhere!

Ando: Average Joe? Oh come on!

Seemingly normal and geeky Hiro Nakamura works at a lowly job at some company. Then, whenever there is danger, or an evildoer strikes, or when he's just bored, he freezes time to get into his costume, then returns right back to the time he left! If you thought the Prince of Persia could bend time, then you haven't met Chronos! Watch him as he freezes time in order to save people from burning buildings, or disarm a gang of thugs! He can also take a glimpse into the future, to see any danger coming! However he can't undo anything that has happened in the past, because apparently that's a rule in this universe, and despite going into the past a hundred times already Chronos hasn't grasped that rule yet. Join him as he battle a string of evildoers, including his arch nemesis, the evil super villain Clockwork, who has a peculiar zombie-like taste for mutant brains!

Clockwork: BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

Watch out evildoers! And people who do morally ambiguous things for whatever reason you've justified! Because Chronos is in town! Coming soon to a television network near you!


Ando: Oh. I see what you mean.


Meanwhile back in L.A., FBI agent Audrey Hanson believes that she has caught the enigmatic serial killer Sylar. However, cop Matt Parkman claims that he can read minds, and points out that if he really were a serial killing criminal mastermind, he would not so blatantly expose himself by rescuing a girl that only he knew the whereabouts of.

Audrey: Yeah I admit that would be pretty stupid for Sylar to do…unless you WANTED me to believe that it's so stupid that you can't possibly be Sylar!

Unfortunately for Matt, as he well knows, cops and cop-like people tend to go for the seemingly most likely person, even if any rational person can point out the flaws of their hunch.

Audrey: All right then Parkman, if you really can read minds then tell me this: what number am I thinking of? (Six)

Matt: Six.

Audrey: GASP! YOU CAN READ MINDS!

Matt: Wow. You're actually easy to convince.

Audrey: Yes. I am so convinced that you can read minds that I'm not even going to consider how that has completely torn down my sense of reality, and I will attempt to recruit you immediately.

Unfortunately for her, Molly, the girl that Matt saved, has been kidnapped by Sylar.

Sylar: Even though I can just take your BRAIIIIIIIIIIIINS right now, I've decided to take the less easy choice and go through all the trouble of kidnapping you.

Audrey: Stop, Sylar!

Sylar: No, (Raises hand) you stop!

(Audrey feels her hand has been paralysed and she cannot move)

Audrey: Huh. Maybe you are a vampire!

Matt's Gun: BANG!

Sylar: GAK!

Matt: You all right?

Audrey: Yeah. Thanks for killing Sy-

Sylar: WHOOSH.

Audrey: -Er? Hmm. A person who likes the dark, can't be killed by bullets and can apparently fly? Yep. Definitely a vampire.


Meanwhile back in New York, Peter Petrelli has something to tell Simone Deveaux, the woman of his dreams.

Peter: By the way, Simone, I'm letting you know that I've quit the whole nursing thing.

Simone: What? Why? You seemed so happy there, like you found your purpose in life! I mean you dedicated most of your adult life to become a nurse, what would make you suddenly change your mind?

Peter: I assure you it's because I've realised that I have a higher calling in life. I'm not entirely sure what that calling is exactly, and it probably doesn't pay, so I don't know what to do for money. So maybe quitting the nurse job wasn't such a good idea. But it's definitely not because I've been dissuaded from the whole thing due to this one little speech by my assholish brother who may or may not have a grudge against me.

Simone: May?

Nathan: I'm letting all you good people know that my brother tried to commit suicide recently!

Peter: Change that to a definite.


Peter: You jerk! How dare you tell everyone that I committed one of the seven deadly sins of Christian fundamentalism!

Commentator: What are the other six?

Peter: Gambling, drinking, abortion, homosexuality, evolutionism and heathenism of course!

Commentator: And Anonymius thinks only one of those is truly wrong! Yes, my creator is pro-life. Deal with it.

Nathan: I'm sorry Pete, but I had to create a cover story so that no one could find out about our abilities.

Peter: HOW WOULD HAVE ANYONE FOUND OUT ABOUT OUR ABILITIES? There were only you and me in that alleyway, no one would have found out about it! Anyway, what was wrong with the whole 'accident' story?

Nathan: I'm a ruthless, Machiavellian politician; it's my nature to take the really immoral choice, even when it's unnecessary!

What will Peter Petrelli do now that everyone thinks that he committed the sin of suicide even though nowhere in the Bible is there the commandment "Thou shalt not commit suicide?" Can Matt Parkman and Audrey Hanson catch Sylar before he strikes again? And will our Hiro and his sidekick-

Ando: Stop calling me a sidekick!

-Be able to save the world, and by the world I mean New York? Join us next time on Heroes abridged (With Commentary)!

Commentator: Who is saying all of that itallic? Is it you, Anonymius?

Nope. I talk like this.

Commentator: But there's no name!

Professor: I just think it's some narrator guy.

Commentator: Even so how am I supposed to know who's saying it? That sort of thing confuses me!

TO BE CONTINUED...