So this one isn't really based off of anything but a story idea that I had. For some reason, I can see a smaller Deidara calling Itachi and Sasori "daddy" and "mommy" respectively. So yeah.

Title: "Coming Home"
Date: Undocumented
Rating: T (warning for swearing)
Genre: General/Humor
Characters: Akatsuki (Mainly Deidara, Sasori, and Itachi)

Summary: We don't know how it happened, but we're going with it.


Prompt: "Coming Home"
1,570 words

He was pouting and pouting hard. It was obvious to the entirety of the cast that sat at the kitchen table, though none knew what to do about it. Itachi had found his own solace in a cup of hot tea from their estranged little tea-maker that Konan had bought them before taking an incredibly long vacation, probably because Pain had made the mistake of mentioning Deidara's current state before she had returned home from the grocery store. Damn those cellular phones. Upon her return, she had a week's all-planned vacation cruise ticket clutched in her hand. She hadn't brought anything for the remainder of the group, with the exception of Kakuzu's coffee cream and Pain's favorite bread.

The others had found less productive ways of dealing with Deidara's strange new attitude. Hidan was staring intently at his cereal, probably thinking of sacrificing it. Kakuzu was just sitting by his usual partner at an abnormally close proximity, as if he expected the Jashinist to sway Deidara from his funk. Kisame had adopted a habit of peeking over his shoulder at the young blonde almost mournfully. Pain himself had joined his self-proclaimed minions at the table, only to wring the tablecloth ruthlessly in his hands.

The Sharingan user sighed from his spot, his lower back propped up against a marble countertop, and set his tea down, eyeing each of his companions seriously. Their nerves were beginning to cause turbulence. "No one's going to go ask?"

Itachi's voice seemed to startle the collective organization, even the leader bouncing in his chair with something akin to fright. "'m sorry 'tachi, what?" Pain slurred, his voice nearly as quiet as the drips from the tea-maker.

"Deidara has been sitting there since yesterday afternoon. Does anyone even know if he's eaten?"

By the looks exchanged between the rest of the group, Itachi could easily confirm that several were unsure, and now concerned, while a select, money-grubbing few looked as if they could hardly care. Namely Kakuzu. "…little fucker can do what he damn wants." Hidan finally muttered, though his violet eyes betrayed his worry.

Which sucked, because worry in Hidan turned into violence.

Itachi sighed and left the room, knowing the entire group he left behind was watching him with intense gazes as he approached the little blonde in the living room. Everything was the way it had been yesterday, the television blaring on some strange kid's show that Itachi didn't think was appropriate for S-class criminals, a half devoured peanut butter and jelly sandwich left abandoned by an untouched remote, and an empty glass of orange juice all surrounding little Deidara, who sat with his knees to his nose and his arms firmly around his shins. Why he was sitting on the floor and not the couch Itachi would never know, as this was not his main concern. "DeiDei," he whispered impassively to the miniature blonde on the floor, the show blaring over his own voice, "why don't you tell me what's been eating you for the last few days?"

Deidara didn't even spare him a glance, eyes glued to the colors presented on the moving box. "Fuck off." The voice might have been threatening if it wasn't coming from such a high octave.

Itachi, whose eyebrows were now up to his hairline, shot a vicious glance back at Hidan, red swirling into his coal black eyes in rage. The silver haired man flashed him a smile. Apparently the Jashinist wasted no time in converting the miniature artist. "Deidara, you should not talk to someone who's trying to help you in such a way."

Deidara finally looked up at his full name, thorough distaste clear on his features. The entire organization had taken to calling the small child "DeiDei", as it no longer seemed appropriate to call the playfully boy who echoed their companion's appearance "Deidara" anymore. He just wasn't Deidara when he wasn't obsessing over art or trying to figure out how to murder Itachi in his sleep, and the child had yet to do either of those things, despite Sasori's best efforts.

Itachi's eyes seemed to light with understanding as he returned his gaze to the boy. "It's Sasori, isn't it?"

By the sudden recede of the blonde's crown behind his knees, he knew he was right. The puppeteer had left on a mission not long ago, one that required him to trek through Sound and Suna, though he was displeased by the latter. Itachi was appalled with both himself and the Akatsuki for not figuring it out sooner. Deidara missed his Danna, a fact more evidently displayed as the blonde attempted to hide his face in his makeshift barricade of limbs.

Ebony hair swayed as Itachi leaned forwards, pulling Deidara into his arms. The small child did not argue, merely wrapping toothpick thin arms around as much of Itachi's torso as he could grasp, burying leaking blue eyes into a bare shoulder. At the sound of his sniffles, Hidan and Pain finally emerged from the kitchen, Kisame and Kakuzu staying put incase all hell broke loose. "What fucking ate his lunch?" Hidan mumbled behind Itachi, not bother to try and not to let Deidara hear him swear.

Itachi sighed as Deidara's death-grip on him began to cut off his blood's circulation, making his extremities tingle. "He misses Sasori."

"No I don't, un!" Came the littlest one's cracking voice. But the cracking gave too much away.

Pain sighed, coming down to his knees. "DeiDei, you know Sasori wouldn't leave you. He'll be back in a few days. I just sent him on a small mission, and knowing him, half the town is already dead or on fire and he's been walking home for days now."

A small, incomprehensible whine came from Itachi's shoulder and the weasel shook his head, mouthing '…didn't want me to come. Hates me…' to Pain. The leader merely shook his head. "DeiDei, I ordered him to go alone. He doesn't like to be late and, no matter how much he wants to spend time with you, you would drag him down for time. It's better he's off on his own, he'll be back sooner."

"But Mama isn't here, un!" Deidara cried, causing Pain, Itachi, and Hidan's eyes to widen.

"Mama!" Hidan echoed. "Why the FUCKING HELL are you calling FUCKING SASORI bloody MAMA?"

It took all of three seconds for Itachi to adjust Deidara so he could free one arm and reach back, effectively nailing Hidan hard enough in the diaphragm to wind him and make him double-over to try and catch his missing breath. Kakuzu appeared in the doorway at this point, looming over the scene with undoubted high wishes he could get hits in on Hidan as well. Kisame had gravitated closer to Itachi as well. "Come now, DeiDei," Itachi began, trying to sound convincing, "we're all here still, and Sasori will be back in no time. Look, even Grampa Kuzu-" Kakuzu's eye twitched in response to his nickname "-is worried about you, and so is Kisame."

Deidara peered slowly over Itachi's shoulder, staring fearfully at Kisame, who did him the favor of a friendly smile…full of many pointed, carnivorous teeth. Honestly, he was no better than Zetsu. Deidara cowered in Itachi's arms and the ex-Mist swordsman resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "We're all here for you, DeiDei," Pain began, sitting cross-legged by Deidara and Itachi on the floor, "not just Sasori."

Deidara nodded shakily to Pain, his cerulean eyes finally alight with happiness and not unshed tears. "Thank you, Leader-sama, un."

"Why don't we all just fucking group hug already?" Hidan spat out. "I thought we were an S-ranked organization, not a nursery."

Kakuzu's wish came true and Deidara even snickered a little when Hidan swore from the pain of his head leaving his shoulders. Itachi placed his hands under Deidara's arms, lifting him up as he stood up and placing him against his shoulder, the small child's rear resting on the crook of his arm. "Actually," Itachi stated, causing everyone to look his way, even Deidara who was perched in his arms, "I think someone got home earlier than intended."

The organization watched as Itachi walked to the front entrance, opening the slab of solid rock so the sun spilled through and a redhead could be seen dragging a severely damaged Hiruko along behind him over the lake.

Sasori looked irritable, but he was back.

"Danna!" Deidara cried, nearly falling out of Itachi's arms as he released the elder's neck and reached for Sasori.

The redhead almost seemed to crack a smile as he entered and shut the slab behind him, dropping Hiruko to the ground. "Hello, brat." He greeted, removing Deidara from Itachi's care. "Don't tell me you sat around crying for me the whole time I was gone."

The rest of the Akatsuki smirked knowingly as Deidara shook his head 'no'. "Nope, un! Daddy made me feel all better, yeah!"

At this, the organization's eyes widened. "DeiDei…" Pain muttered, afraid for his sanity if the answer was what he thought it was. "Who's "daddy"?"

Deidara smiled widely, making his several missing baby teeth evident. "Dada 'Tachi, of course, un!"

Itachi and Sasori looked at one another, agreeing they never hated life more than at this moment . "Stupid brat…" Sasori mumbled, almost affectionately and Itachi nodded, heading back to the kitchen to finish his tea.


(A/N): I want to post ones closer to today now, but I can't. Wade through the crap first, please.