author's note:
Yay! Thanks for the reviews, guys(:
YOU GUYS ROCK!
Second chap. WOOT! :D
Disclaimer: Cause I can definitely turn into JKR (yes, I'm that cool)
Malfoy -noun
1. Ancient pureblood family surname.
2. An intelligent Slytherin wizard with intense, stormy gray eyes and sexily tousled blond hair. Sex object of Hogwarts.
~ The Urban Dictionary
Chapter One: The Basics
Name, Appearance, Clothing, Food
i. Name
The first step to become one of us, striking, amazing, spectacular Malfoys is to have a striking, amazing, spectacular Malfoy name. Now, I can practically hear your young Malfoy mind whirling, thinking about your own first and middle name. Is it honorable enough? Magnificent enough? Memorable enough? Malfoy enough?
This is why I have created The- Official-Malfoy-Name-Guidelines. If your name follows the rules below, it is deemed as acceptable. If it is not, you will need to:
a) Change your name, leaving no traces to your previous name, for if that were to happen… things would get very, very ugly. Malfoy's are perfect. There is no way around this fact. An unacceptable name = an imperfect Malfoy, which means that you would have to be disowned.
b) Change your entire name (first and last), dye your hair pitch black, and move to Antarctica.
With no further ado, I present to you, the most sought after Malfoy Name Guidelines.
THE MOST LOVED AND WORSHIPPED AND EPIC
MALFOY NAME GUIDELINES
1.) Your most prestigious Malfoy name must end with either an S or a vowel.
2.) Names inspired by historic events, the solar system, and mythology are all acceptable. Preferably with Greek or Latin roots.
3.) The name CANNOT bring happy thoughts to your mind, such as Sunny, Crystal, or Joy.
4.) When spoken, the name must bring fear and/or supremacy into one's mind. It must create the feeling of awe and hopelessness, for you, Malfoy, are superior to all.
Suitable names would be Scorpius or Draco. Roar.
5.) If you are running low on names suitable for a Malfoy (or you're just too lazy to come up with one as Malfoy as a Malfoy's), you can always use the list below:
Malfoy Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy, Brutus Malfoy, Meliors Malfoy, or Sidus Malfoy
6.) You must have ONLY a first and last name, and occasionally a middle name.
There shall be no Malfoy (EVER) that has some ridiculously long name, like Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Zeus Wolfe schlegelstein hausenberger dorffvoraltern waren gewissenhaft schaferswessen schafewaren wohlgepflege und sorgfaltigkeit beschutzen von angreifen durch ihrraubgierigfeinde welche voraltern zwolftausend jahres vorandieerscheinen wander ersteer dem enschderraumschiff gebrauchlicht als sein ursprung von kraftgestart sein lange fahrt hinzwischen sternartigraum auf der suchenach diestern welche gehabt bewohnbar planeten kreise drehen sich und wohin der neurasse von verstandigmen schlichkeit konnte fortplanzen und sicher freuen anlebens langlich freude und ruhe mit nicht ein furcht vor angreifen von anderer intelligent geschopfs von hinzwischen sternartigraumen, Sr. (yes, that's a name).
No, Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine The Hulk And The Flash Combined is not acceptable either (a British muggle boy's legally changed name).
~-M-~-M-~
ii. Appearance
To be a perfect Malfoy, you MUST have the following attributes:
- Perfect blond hair
- Steely gray eyes
- Faultlessly high arched cheek bones
- A sharp, pointed chin
- Ideally pale skin.
- Sexy to the billionth power
Keep in mind, however, that all these physical features automatically come with being a Malfoy (unless of course, you are some unheard of mutation of ugliness and stolen Malfoyness, because there is no possible way for Malfoy's not to have the features listed above).
In order for your blond hair to be perfect, you must take EXACTLY 2 hours, 23 minutes, and 57.24852 seconds each day to groom it, directly after you wake up at 3:29:23 a.m. You must go directly into the bathroom to start grooming your hair, for the world shall end if an non-Malfoy sees you without your hair perfectly Malfoy.
Once you get in the shower (wait until the water temperature reaches 99.23-99.234 degrees Fahrenheit) and wet your hair, use your most rare and special Malfoy shampoo. This shampoo formula has been a Malfoy family secret for a considerable number of centuries, and if anyone shall know of it, well, it's not a good thing, which is why the formula will not be written here. Someone may steal your Malfoy shampoo. If the bottle of Malfoy Family Shampoo runs out (for there is currently only one 3 oz. bottle of this shampoo left in the world), use only Pantene shampoo. They have amazing sales. After you have washed out the shampoo, please continue to use the special Malfoy Family Shampoo, unless it has run out. If that is the case, please use Pantene. This step in grooming your hair will take approximately 58 minutes.
After you get out of the shower, dry your hair using only Egyptian Cotton towels. Any other type will instantly kill you. Well, it'll ruin your hair and make it look o-or-ordinary, so same thing. This step should take 2 minutes and 27.24852 seconds.
Next, gel. Gel is an essential part of the Malfoy Hair Grooming Method. So use gel. Lots of it. USE IT. USE IT NOW.
Now, blow dry your hair. This will take the remaining time and is also an important part of the Malfoy Hair Grooming Method. This is the final step in creating that effortless, much envied, windswept Malfoy hair.
The rest of the Malfoy features come naturally with being a Malfoy. Unless, of course, you are an unheard of mutation of ugliness and stolen Malfoyness.
~-M-~-M-~
iii. Clothing
Now, unless you have been living in a box for the...
That was a joke. No Malfoy shall ever live in a box.
Or even step or hold a box.
Unless of course, it has black rainbows on fields with luscious black grass and black unicorns jumping over the black rainbow painted on it.
Of course, there is always an exception for boxes with black rainbows on fields with muggle hair and black unicorns jumping over the black rainbow with the words 'Malfoys are the most amazing and perfect and envied and special people in the world." That's okay to hold or step in too.
Moving on, clothing. Malfoy's must always be well dressed, no matter where you are. If any non-Malfoy happens to see you without your designer clothing, OBLIVATE THEM. OBLIVATE THEM IMMEDIATELY.
Your clothing should be bought individually at high class stores. Each article of clothing must be 50 - infinity Galleons each. Your outfit each day should total up to at least 350 Galleons or more. Preferably more.
Acceptable Clothing Stores:
~ The Malfoy Outfitters- a store specializing in Malfoy family clothing
~ Malfoy Hand Crafters- a store that sells custom-made Malfoy merchandise to Malfoy's and Malfoy followers
~ For The Best- a store that sells acceptable upscale clothing for only Pureblood families
~ Mudbloods Must Die- a lovely store filled with objects to torture Mudbloods and Muggles with.
Also sells shirts with "Malfoys Are Number One" written on it (designed by Lord Malfoy)
Clothing must be stylish and up to date, or else your skin will burn off your clothing, for it will be much too horrid and painful for your skin to even touch.
~-M-~-M-~
iiii. Food
Food. The very essence of our lives. It is partly what makes a Malfoy a Malfoy, the tender, white meat atop a soft, buttery bun, under another soft bun.
This, my Malfoys, is why we live. For the women, power, being-awesomer-than-everybody-else, and for the food. The yummy, delicious food. Especially bacon. Bacon is on a level of which nothing can beat.
Except for a Malfoy, of course. Malfoys beat everything.
Yes, even bacon.
Malfoy's should only eat in the highest class restaurants, where there are no Muggles and Mudbloods to spy on you with their beady little eyes. Beware the beady little eyes, for they are certainly rubbing their sweaty palms together, coming up with a devious little plan to destroy all Malfoys, which is UNACCEPTABLE, because a world without Malfoys is like a world without bacon. IMPOSSIBLE.
Malfoys do not follow any religions except for their own, which is why we are allowed to eat any type of meats. However, disgusting foods (like spinach and peas) are strictly forbidden.
Malfoys do not follow diets. They are despicable and idiotic, for:
a) Malfoys simply do not get fat. Fat is for non-Malfoys.
b) They're so incredibly disgusting, they shouldn't be allowed to even make "weight loss food."
Malfoys must eat 3 meals a day, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. However, Malfoys are not allowed to cook their own food. Doing so would mean that you believe that Malfoys can sink to the level of house elves and Muggles and non-Malfoys, which is a big NO-NO in the Malfoy Family Household.
Remember that ketchup is a requirement. A packet of it must be with you at any meal at all times, for if you are caught without this essential flavor... oh, let's not even go there.
author's note:
So, I hope you enjoyed that, cause I most certainly did.
Cause it was epic.
And the most awesome chapter I have EVER EVER EVER written.
Like, ever.
:D
Well, get to 20 reviews, and I'll get you the 2nd chapter of the Malfoy Handbook. Fast.
SO START REVIEWING.
Please? ^-^
