Disclaimer: Not mine. Not getting rich from them

A/N: Judy's POV

A Lifetime of Regrets

It had seemed like a one time thing. Granted, Judy hadn't remembered much but what she did still made her blush. She did remember coming home well after Sam had gone to school and crying almost the entire afternoon. She betrayed her family for a night that she barely remembered! She'd felt so ashamed then…

She was glad that Sam was too busy going out with his friends and that sweet girl Mikaela to notice any strange behavior from her. Ron had been gone for two weeks. By then, she had gathered the strength to shoulder the secret of her first transgression until her last breath. She swore to herself it would not happen again. She valued her family too much to let it all go to waste.

It took her an entire year and another missed anniversary that had her driving aimlessly through the city. Anything to not dwell on the fact that Ron had forgotten again. No matter how much love they had for each other. No amount of make up gifts that will surely arrive in the following days would make the hurt and disillusion go away. They never did.

She didn't stop to think if it was a good idea or not to go to the same place. The drinks had been good, at least. She had been surprised then to see him there, sitting at the same table and nursing his coffee. For a split second she had the oddest feeling of Déjà vu, but quickly shook it off. Surely he wasn't waiting for her. For a while she had entertained the thought, but by now she knew their encounters had been merely coincidental. That was the only place he stopped in, or so he told her.

She remembered that it had been Crusher that approached her first this time, joining her at the bar. There had been a very short exchange of words and somehow they had both ended having sex again.

This time she remembered everything. This time she cried even less. This time she didn't make any promises to herself. And like last time, she would take this to her grave. Because this time she felt even more guilty and ashamed than the first time she did it.

After those two encounters everything had become a blur to Judy. Ron never had the best memory and she found herself having a private celebration with Crusher, not only on her anniversary, but Valentine's, birthday, and any other date she was supposed to spend with her husband. She was slowly getting used to these meetings. There was less alcohol involved, but the words exchanged were still few. She still felt guilty, but it was so easy to just ignore it and go with the flow.

By the end of the year Judy entered the place and sat beside him by the window. He was already there, as usual, and looking extremely bored. She gave him one of her smiles, wondering if he would notice her dress and make up this time. The man in question, a slightly taller than average guy with a nice looking body, barely glanced at her.

"You're here," he addressed her and she shivered in anticipation.

"Of course I am. He forgets this every year," she replies smoothly. Proud that this time her voice didn't crack. She sees him inhaling deeply before resting his head on the window.

"New perfume," he stated and she smiled again. This time extremely pleased. He hadn't spilled poetry about her smell, but he had noticed her somewhat.

"Yeah. Like it?" she asked, eager for a new opinion.

"Hate it. Too strong," he answered and she had to stifle a sigh as he continued talking quietly, "Still suits ya."

She pretended not to hear anything and he pretended he didn't say anything else. Tonight they would have sex again. She knew it. He knew it. It had grown inside her and she didn't know how to get it out. It was consuming her. She didn't know what it was but it made her return.

Looking into his eyes, she saw something that pulled her in. They weren't very special, just a couple of brown eyes in a sea of brown-eyed people; but that something was always there. It was sadness and hardship… Hatred and loathing… It was cruel and cold and condescending. It never failed to make her tremble. She didn't know why she kept coming to him. And she had the sudden realization that he didn't know why he kept sleeping with her either.

They didn't love each other. She didn't know anything about him and he, just the bare bones of her life. But they needed each other. He was the one that made her feel alive and made her scream his nickname while lost in a sea of passion and lust. Something Ron had not done in a long time. She didn't know it, but she was the one that made him forget everything but his name in overload. Made him forget he was stuck with no way out in enemy territory. Made him not care that he was hiding like a coward when all he wanted was to destroy and tear. They needed each other to forget each other's pain. They both knew it and accepted it.

Even though it was hard to keep the secret buried and each day she felt even more guilty and ashamed. She needed Crusher to remember being a woman and he needed her for something, although she would never know what. It wasn't love or anything like it, but she had to admit it felt so good.


Edited: 2/15/09