A/N: I had to change the rating because of this chapter. There's some smut in here. Although maybe this fic should have been rated M from the start because it is dark and not really suitable for kiddies.

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-2-

4:37 PM

"So, you finally decided to show up?" Lindsay asked as soon as he entered the house. "Nate was wondering where you were this morning. I wasn't sure what to tell him."

He didn't love her. She needed him and at the time being with her was less painful than being with Taylor. She was pregnant and her boyfriend was an abusive asshole. No one knew that Justine wasn't really his – they just thought she took after her mother. She needed him – he didn't divorce Taylor and marry her because he wanted to fill a gaping hole in his life.

"Just tell me that you weren't with her last night" she said. He could hear the plea, desperation, and fear in her voice.

This had been going on for a while now. She was insecure and she kept listing off all of Taylor's faults and accusing him of still harboring feelings for his ex-wife.

"Ryan?"

He couldn't say anything.

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He rang the doorbell and waited. She didn't answer and he didn't hear anything. He rang the doorbell again and when he still didn't hear anything he lifted the planter on the corner of the deck, removed the spare key he remembered her insisting on placing there and used it to open the door and let himself in. He knew she was home because her car was in the drive.

Seth told him how she spent her weekends when Nate stayed with him and Lindsay. He and Summer were worried about her but she shut them out. All he knew was that she kept herself locked up in the house and refused to leave or let anyone in on the weekends Nate spent at his house.

It had been years since he last stepped foot in the house but as soon as he did and closed the door behind him, he felt like he entered a time warp. He noticed that she hadn't changed anything about the house in four years. The same pictures still hung on the walls and one of the two of them on their wedding day still stood in the center of the mantle above the fireplace. With the exception of scattered empty wine bottles, the furniture and decorations were the same – the vase he gave her for their third anniversary still sat on one of the end tables in the living room but instead of housing gardenias or wild flowers they held lilies. The only type of flowers in the house was lilies.

She wasn't anywhere on the main floor and he was about to head upstairs when she called out to him from the top of the landing.

"What are you doing here? You don't live here anymore. How did you get in?" she asked. She didn't look at him; instead she looked over his head.

He stared at her. She was wearing a satiny red robe tied loosely around her waist and he could see that she was wearing a matching negligee underneath. It fell mid-thigh and even though he willed himself not to look at her legs, he couldn't help himself. Her long, rich auburn hair cascaded down her shoulders and back. She was holding a glass of wine but she didn't appear to be drunk.

"I got in using the spare key. Nate's worried about you. I noticed all the empty wine bottles Taylor" he said.

"Is that why you're here? To preach? To tell me how wrong it is for me to drink so much? To tell me that I'm the worst mother in the world? To tell me that I'm a complete and utter failure? I've already told myself all of those things so you can just save your breath and leave" she said as she turned her back to him and began to walk down the hall.

He noticed the way she never looked at him anymore and tried to stay as far away from him as possible. She tried to avoid all contact and he couldn't blame her because they were divorced but at the same time the fact that she wouldn't even look him in the eyes anymore made him want to scream.

They had been married. They had a son together. They loved each other.

He really didn't know how things ended up this way. They drifted apart after they lost Lily. He spent weeks in the hospital and even though the doctors told him that he should take her off life support because she wouldn't be able to make it, he refused to do it. He refused to lose his wife because he had already lost his daughter.

When she finally woke up he had been ecstatic but the feeling was short lived when she screamed at him and asked him why he kept her alive when their daughter was dead. She started saying things that were insane – things about how she should have died, that it had been her time to die and that he was just being selfish by depriving their daughter of her mother. Things got a bit better after she started seeing her therapist but it was the little things – the way she cringed when he'd touch her, the way she'd sit in the nursery for hours on end and refused to get rid of anything, the way she avoided him, the way her eyes stopped sparkling, and the way she automatically assumed that Lindsay was pregnant with his child because he had been spending time with her, pushed him away as soon as she found out, and refused to hear him out – that made him unable to deal with her anymore.

He wasn't sure why he was here. After he saw her yesterday and after he overheard everything she said to Summer he just couldn't get her out of his head. They had been married for ten years and it would have been fifteen if they hadn't gotten a divorce.

"It's been five years. I'm over it. C'est la vie… we all must move on. I mean… look at him. He moved on. It took him less than a year to move on. Why do you think that I can't move on?"

The words he overheard her say yesterday replayed themselves in his head as he made his way upstairs and noticed that everything on the second level of the house was the same too. When he didn't find her in their bedroom he took in a deep breath and headed to the nursery.

He opened the door and found her exactly where he left her all those years ago. She was sitting in the rocking chair, holding onto a stuffed pink bear and staring at the crib with dead eyes. She hadn't gotten rid of anything – everything was the same. He remembered how they picked out the furniture and painted the room together. He remembered assembling the crib and making sure that it was sturdy and safe. He remembered winning the pink bear at a carnival they took Nate to and Taylor saying that it would be perfect for the baby. He remembered how he told her Lindsay was pregnant and she told him to leave, went into the nursery, held onto the pink bear, and rocked herself as she stared at the crib. He remembered leaving her exactly like this.

"Taylor" he choked out. She hadn't moved on – she was still stuck in the same place and he couldn't help but wonder if it was his fault. Maybe he should have stayed and fought harder instead of letting her win.

"I thought I told you to leave" she said with her eyes still fixed on the crib.

They had this conversation before.

"Taylor…"

"Leave!" she said louder and more coldly.

"No" he said instead of leaving again.

"It's kind of late for you to decide that you want to stick around. You have a wife, a daughter, a son, a home – everything I can't give you."

"He's our son."

"She's your daughter and his sister. Nate needs a family. He needs stability and two parents who love him."

"He has that."

"Yes, he does – with you and your wife" she nodded. He opened his mouth to say something but she started talking again before he could. "He worries about me too much. I'm not sure why. He needs to stop. So does everyone else. You need to leave" she said again, standing and walking over to the crib to place the bear in it.

"I've already told you that I'm not going to" he said as he walked toward her.

"And I already told you that it's too late for this" she said as she turned away from him and walked toward the window.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" he asked without stepping closer to her. Trying to do so was useless seeing as how she'd just move farther away from him. "It's been five years."

"Why didn't you let me go sooner? You could have, you know. Or better yet; why did you marry me in the first place? It's not like you gave a damn about me. Stop acting like you do now. If you cared about me you wouldn't have slept with her and gotten her pregnant when you knew I couldn't have anymore kids" she spat. He was able to see the fire burning in her eyes while tears welled in them through her reflection in the window.

He walked towards her and stood behind her. He didn't know what to say to her. How was he supposed to just let her die? How was he supposed to tell her that she was the one who pushed him away. She had always been so strong and independent when they were younger but she was broken now. He was the one who broke her. He always knew he wasn't good enough for her and this was just proof. He was the one who did this to her.

"Taylor" he said as he placed his hand on her back and began to rub it soothingly.

She jerked away from him, turned and slapped him.

"Don't touch me!" she hissed while staring at his chest. "You don't get to touch me. We aren't married anymore. You left me, remember? I hate you" she yelled as tears streamed down her cheeks and she began to hit him on his chest with her tiny balled up fists. He didn't move and just let her keep hitting him. She needed this.

"You have no idea what it feels like to be absolutely alone… to feel inhuman… to sit back and watch while someone else gives you everything that I can't" she shouted through sobs while she continued to beat his chest.

"She would have been five years old tomorrow and you… your daughter's fourth birthday was yesterday" she said as her tears subsided. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you at home with your family?" she asked as her lips trembled and she fisted the fabric of his shirt. "You should be at home with your family."

He cupped her face and when she didn't pull away from him but closed her eyes instead, he used the pads of his thumbs to wipe her tears away. When she still didn't pull away from him, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. He inhaled her scent and relished the feel of her body pressed against his – it had been too long since he last held her.

He finally let go of her after several minutes and cupped her face again. "Look at me" he said to her as he lifted her face up. She shut her eyes, shook her head and tried to get away from him but he didn't let her go. "Taylor, please. Just look at me" he tried again.

"I can't" she whispered. "Please. Let me go."

"Not until you look at me."

She struggled to get away from him again but he continued to hold onto her. All he wanted was for her to look at him.

She finally stopped before inhaling and exhaling deeply and opening her eyes. She looked down before slowly raising her eyes to meet his.

Her eyes were darker than he remembered. They didn't sparkle at all anymore. It was almost as if all the light had seeped out of them. He felt a welling pain his chest and all of his breath left his body as he stared into her eyes.

The expression on her face was set like stone as she tried to feign indifference but her eyes betrayed her – he noticed the way they glazed over before tears began to well in them once again.

She finally looked away and he took hold of her face in order to kiss her. Her lips remained still as he brushed his own against them gently. He wasn't sure why he was doing it, but all he knew was that he had the overwhelming need to.

It only took a few seconds for her to start kissing him back. She tasted the same and he still felt that feeling he did when she first kissed him. He pushed his way into her mouth and she let him. She sucked his tongue into her mouth and he couldn't stop his hands from beginning to roam her body and untie her robe before pushing it off her shoulders.

They broke for air and she stared at him while he gently smoothed his fingers over her skin. She was so soft and even though she shivered under his touch she didn't push him away. If anything, she encouraged him by rubbing her hands over his body and beginning to work on the buttons of his shirt. She was more focused than she used to be, seeing as how she didn't pull his shirt apart. He kissed her again, burying his hands in her hair in order to gain better access to her mouth, and she kissed him back while smoothing her hands down the bare skin of his chest to his belt and beginning to undo it.

Before she could actually do so, he broke away from her, lifted her into his arms and took her to their bedroom. He laid her down on their bed gently, kicked off his socks and shoes, and moved over her before kissing her again. The faint taste of wine lingered on her breath but it didn't matter because the taste of her was overwhelming and addictive. He couldn't believe that he had gone on for so many years without her.

She began to work on his belt again while he began to trail kisses along her jaw and stopped at the special place below her ear before mouthing and sucking it. She moaned and arched her body into him before unbuttoning and unzipping his pants. He moved down to her neck and began to trail kisses over her shoulders as he pushed the straps of her negligee off of them.

He held his breath as he pushed the red fabric lower. Her rosy nipples were hard and she buried her hands in his hair as he took one of them into his mouth and began to suck and nip at it before doing the same to the other.

He finally stopped when she thrust her hips upward and began to slide her soft fingers under the waistband of his boxers. He continued to slide the negligee down her body, planting kisses on her soft skin along the way. He flicked his tongue in an out of her navel and enjoyed the sound of her gasps.

He pulled her matching silk panties down with the garment and tossed it on the floor before quickly ridding himself of his pants and boxers, adding them to the pile, and settling himself over her once again. He raked his eyes over her naked form slowly and appreciated the fact that all of the details that had been engraved into his memory were the same.

He ran his fingers over her sex before rubbing circles around her clit and making sure that she was wet while he kissed her. He moaned into her mouth as she took hold of him in her soft hands and began to stroke his length and massage his balls. Her hands were soft and tight around him as she worked on him in that way he loved and missed so much.

Their lips parted and she let go of him before spreading her legs wider to give him unlimited access to her core. He positioned himself at the beginning of her entrance before leaning down on his forearms and snaking his hands under her shoulders so that he could cup her head and bury his hands in her hair.

She stared up at him and he moved his hips forward and entered her slowly. She was so hot, wet, slick, and tight. She was too tight. The look in her eyes and expression on her face told him that she hadn't been with anyone since him. She closed her eyes and he kissed away her tears while giving them both a few moments to get used to the feel of being together again.

She kissed him when she was ready and he began to move his hips slowly and languidly. She wrapped her legs around his waist and began to work with him while he started kissing her breasts and sucking on her nipples. She began writhing and mewling after no more than ten thrusts and he felt her tighten around him. She arched her back and threw her head back while scratching him and digging her nails into his shoulders and back.

"Look at me" he whispered as he continued to thrust himself in and out of her slowly.

She complied and he stared into her hazel eyes as she tightened around him more and began to chant his name. He saw a tiny flicker of light in her eyes that kept growing as he kept moving. Her eyes sparkled brightly as she called out his name and he stilled his movements in order to let her ride out her orgasm.

The light in her eyes slowly began to fade and he started to move once more because he felt the overwhelming need to see it again. She smoothed her hands over his back and shoulders before burying her fingers in his hair and pulling his head down so that she could kiss him tenderly and he kissed her back the same way.

He enjoyed the way it felt to be with her again. She was so warm. Her breasts pressed against his chest as he moved in and out of her tight, warm, wet depths and her legs and arms were wrapped around his body. It was as if they were fused together and he didn't want it to end.

He could feel her tightening around him again and he gripped her hair tightly for a split second in order to tell her that he wanted her to open her eyes and look at him. She opened them and he could see the hesitation, fear, and guilt inside them. He shook his head at her, trying to tell her that it was okay. She seemed to get the message because she relaxed and just let her body take over. He was able to see that small flicker of light in her eyes again and he watched with amazement and awe as it kept growing before she arched her back and moaned. He stilled his movements once again and watched as her hazel orbs sparkled while she rode out the waves of yet another orgasm.

When she was ready again, she kissed him and thrust her hips upward. They began to move with each other again and he tried to memorize everything about the way it felt – her soft hands running through his hair and over his body, her body in his arms, her soft hair in between his fingers, her luscious breasts against his chest, her folds enveloping him, her slender legs wrapped around his waist, and her hazel orbs looking up at him intently.

It wasn't too long before she began to tighten around him again and he felt his stomach clench. She arched her back and he began to thrust into her deeper and harder while keeping the same pace. She moaned loudly in response to the change and he felt her tightening around him even more. He stared into her eyes and watched the light reappear. They began to chant each other's names and he spilled himself inside her when he took in her sparkling hazel eyes.

He tried to keep himself up so that he could stare into her orbs a bit longer but just couldn't do it. He fell on top of her and took a few moments to catch his breath before rolling off of her and to her side.

Her eyes were closed and he stared at the rise and fall of her chest while trying to put his own under control. He reached over and smoothed his hand over her soft skin before pulling her close to him and wrapping his arms around her. He lifted her chin, kissed her tenderly on the lips and she reciprocated. When they broke for air, she buried her face in the crook of his neck and he felt her breathing become increasingly shallow until she finally fell asleep. She was so tiny and fragile. He pulled the covers over them and just held her tightly.

He woke up and watched her sleep peacefully for about an hour before brushing her soft auburn hair out of her face and placing a light kiss on her forehead, nose and lips. She stirred slightly but she didn't wake up and he was thankful for it because he needed to sort things out with Lindsay before he and Taylor talked about what all of this meant.

He got out of bed, made his way to his closet and wasn't surprised to find everything he left behind still there waiting for him. He grabbed some clothes as well as a towel, and showered before watching her sleep peacefully for a few more minutes and leaving for work so that he could think things through.

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That was this morning and he barely got anything done at work because all he had been doing was thinking things through and trying to make sense of it all.

"What are we doing?" Lindsay asked.

He didn't know. He had no idea what was going on anymore. Everything was a mess. Everything was so much more messed up than it had been five years ago. He wished he could just turn back the clocks and keep Taylor home from work that day so that she never got into the accident.

"Do you love her?" she asked.

He didn't know what to say.

"You still love her, don't you?" she asked.

He stared at her.

"You always loved her, didn't you?" she asked, eyes welling with tears while her voice tried not to let any of it slip.

He averted his gaze from her and focused on the doll sitting on the sofa – the one Taylor gave Justine.

"You were just using me and Justine to get over everything that you had lost… weren't you?" she asked again.

His phone went off and he closed his eyes tightly before silently thanking whoever was watching for giving him an excuse to get away from this.

"Answer me!" she nearly shouted.

"It's Nate. I need to take this" he said as he began to walk away from her. "Hello" he said into the phone after opening it and bringing it to his ear.

"Dad" Nate breathed shakily. Something was off.

"Nate, what is it? What's wrong?"

"I didn't know who else to call" he had never heard his son sound so desperate before. "I don't… I don't… I don't know what to do."

"Where's your mother? Isn't she normally home by the time you get there?"

"That's the thing… she wasn't home and I checked the answering machine and… and…"

"And what?" he was trying not to freak out. His son didn't need him to freak out but he knew something was terribly wrong. Nate never acted like this… he never stuttered or got this upset.

"Mom's at the morgue."

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A/N: Yays for dark-fic! OR Boos for dark-fic! ? (pick one)