Disclaimer: I do not own FMA in any way, shape, or form. If I did, it would have to be classified as a comedy.

I be back from hiatus, y'all! Yay! A combo of health issues, mass amounts of work and the worst writer's block ever kept me from this story. I never forgot about it. I've been mulling over where to go with this story constantly and finally, today, my writer's block broke! I have the story all planned out and, dare I say, it's going to be better than my last one. Though, I must warn you, it's going to be REALLY ABSURD. It is not intended to be serious in any conceivable way. There seems to have been some confusion about that with my last story. It's also wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong on so many levels! I have a really perverted mind and I'm hoping you all to too.

o0o

Roy stomped into his office. He had a disturbing dream, Hughes knew it, and to top it all off, he was late for work. Glowering at everyone he passed, he realized that none of them looked particularly afraid of him. Some were snickering, some looked disturbed, some even looked disgusted. What was up with these people? It wasn't as though people never came in late for work. Hell, it wasn't like he was never late. People would normally be concerned if he wasn't acting like his usual, slacker self, but today seemed to be anything but normal. Roy decided to ignore it all and sat down at his desk to start his paper work. He just wanted to get the image of Ed moaning with pleasure out of his head.

Mustang actually finished all of his paper work. Every time he would get up to do something, the staring and sniggering would start anew so he decided to just stay put. Now that all of his work was finished, Roy began to get bored. He had nothing to do, but it was not time to leave yet. His mind started to wander…

"Uh, ah, harder Mustang," Ed moaned and Roy obliged gladly.

"You're so…ugh…You're so tight Fullmetal." Roy's face was buried in Ed's long, unbound hair. The feeling of steel mixed with flesh beneath him made the moment all the more erotic, the coolness of the metal contrasting with the slick warmth of Ed's skin and he silkiness of the inner walls stroking him to completion, clenching around him now as Ed found release. Roy kept thrusting. He had a while to go yet and he wasn't stopping now. He gripped Ed's shoulders, one flesh, one metal, trying to squeeze one more orgasm out of his little lover. Suddenly, Roy realized where he was.

"Crap! I have to get some fresh air." Before anyone could respond, Mustang sprinted out of the room. Why? What did he ever do to be tormented like this? This day was just so horribly odd. At that moment, Roy spotted Hawkeye down the hall and ran toward her calling out for her to "Hold on a minute".

"Wow. You haven't done your laundry in a while have you?" Hawkeye commented.

"So the uniform's a little wrinkled. It wouldn't be the first time. Look, you have to help me. People keep laughing at me and giving me funny looks. Why?" Mustang was getting desperate. Hawkeye pointed to his left shoulder and continued on her way. Slowly, Roy turned his head to look where Riza had indicated. When his head swiveled to the right angle, he wanted to melt into a puddle on the floor. In his post-dream haze he must have grabbed the jacket he wore to the strip club. He liked to wear his uniform coat when he went out to pick up girls and look cool, but he wasn't feeling especially cool at the moment with a very obvious white stain on his shoulder.

Mustang quickly pulled off his coat, carefully folding the stain out of sight. His work was finished, so he figured it wouldn't be too bad if he went straight home to do some laundry. Though deep down he knew he'd go home even if he had a mountain of work left. This had to be one of the most humiliating days of his life. That fact was reinforced when Mustang overheard Havoc talking to Hawkeye.

"Why did you have to tell him? It was so funny seeing him walking around totally oblivious to that GIANT come stain!"

"Havoc, Colonel Mustang is your superior and I won't have you talking about him like that" Riza replied, sternly.

"I hate you, Ed!" Mustang growled to himself.

o0o A Few Hours Later o0o

"Why? Why do these things have to happen to me?" Roy wondered aloud as he sat at his kitchen table eating cookies straight from the jar, a half-empty glass of milk sitting nearby. He had changed into his pajamas. He didn't want to go anywhere or do anything or see anyone. He didn't want to get drunk lest he do anything else fantastically stupid that he'd never live down. Cookies and milk: that was the answer now. That would solve everything. If he could just lose himself in the endorphins of high blood sugar…

A knock on the door cut into his regressive state. "Go away!" he cried desperately.

"Roy, let me in. You can't hide from this forever." It was Hughes. Mumbling that hiding for a few hours could hardly be considered 'forever', the Colonel slumped over to the door and yanked it open.

"What do you want?" Roy squinted in the evening light coming through the open door.

"Well…" Hughes was a little taken aback at his friend's bedraggled and chocolaty appearance. "First I want to tell you to wash your face." Mustang put a hand to his face and it came away smeared with chocolate. With a grunt, Roy let Maes in and went to put away the cookies and wash his face.

When he had finished, Hughes gave him a stern look. "I know what's bothering you and I think you should just swallow your pride and admit that Ed won this one. It really isn't the end of the wo…"

"Yes it is!" Mustang insisted, grabbing his friend for emphasis. "You don't even begin to understand, Maes. I've lost my mind!"

"That I do understand. Roy, get dressed and let's go face this, okay? We're going to go back to the club and we're going to buy some drinks and you're going to let this go."

Mustang pondered for a few seconds. Maes might just be right. He usually was at any rate, but Roy really didn't want to go. Maes was studying his sullen look. Then Roy saw it. There was that manic gleam in Hughes's eye. Mustang's suspicions were conformed. Maes was reaching into his pocket. Roy didn't want to go out but he REALLY didn't want to look at pictures of Elisia. "That would be a great idea! Just…let me change!" Mustang bolted to his room.

He dressed in civilian clothes and the two set out toward the club, which was within reasonable walking distance from Roy's house.

Before long, Roy felt almost normal again. He and Hughes talked about business mostly. Roy even had the will to wink at a pretty lady. Soon the club was in sight and Mustang began to consider what he'd like to drink. Then, it all went to hell.

People began to snigger and point. "Back for more? You don't look like the masochistic type but if being humiliated is your fetish…"

Another person complained, "That cute little blonde left right after you came here. She had a nice butt too!"

Mustang glanced at Hughes for help and met with an expression mirroring his own feeling concerning the situation. Without another word both men turned and walked briskly back to Roy's house. When they reached their destination, they plopped down at the kitchen table and took the opportunity to exchange another bewildered look. Maes sighed and pushed to cookie jar toward his friend.

Through a mouth full of cookie, Mustang proclaimed, "See Maes, it IS the end of the world!"

o0o

Yay! I finally updated! Thank you for your patience and to all who reviewed. This takes so much energy. It makes me laugh though, and that's what's important! I tried to make this chapter longish. I don't think it's as long as I would have liked but at least it's here, right? It's going to get uber twisted in the next chapter. I hope it's not too extreme for people. Elricest anyone?