"What the hell are you doing?" Dean asks me, now completely awake and rubbing his eyes. " Geez, can't a man get two hours of uninterrupted sleep?"
I wipe my face with my hand hurriedly, and sniff in the moisture I feel in my nose- hoping it hasn't turned red thanks to all the emotion. I look at the letter some more, as Dean keeps calling out my name. I want to respond, but I don't know if I should tell Dean about the acceptance just yet. I carefully slide it into the journal.
"Sammy!" He yells one final time, before- annoyed- he gets off his bed and walks towards me, muttering an audible 'son of a bitch' along the way. He kneels down beside me and tries to catch my eye, as he stares into my face-something he always did whenever I was upset, ever since I was four- and I look away. He sighs of exasperation, and gets up. As he does, I call out to him.
"Dean?" I say, as he looks over to me, his green eyes piercing into mine. Looking away, I hand him the letter.
He raises his eyebrows, as he accepts it. I watch him open the folded paper as I gauge his reaction. A few moments into reading the letter, his head springs up.
"You...got accepted?" Dean asks disbelief overtaking his sleep deprived face. He processes it as I watch his eyes moving inching closer and closer towards the end of the page. I gulp hard, wondering what he'll say. Would he be delighted, angry or disappointed in me?
He finishes reading the letter and goes and sits down on his bed, saying absolutely nothing. I follow him there. I wait for a few moments, before desperation takes control and I scream at him, " Well, say something!"
He looks up, directly at me and chuckles," I don't know what to say, Sammy. I honestly don't. On the one hand, I could beat you up for hiding a news that big from me. One the other hand I could pat you on the back and say congratulations. But that's the thing, Sammy- knowing you, I can most certainly say that you're not kidding about this. You want to go to school. And that's the part I don't think I feel very comfortable about."
"What is that supposed to mean? Just because you didn't...even apply for college, I should just let this opportunity go?"
"Sam, I didn't apply, because I could care less about college! This is our life, man. Hunting-fighting the good fight. That's all we- or at least I know and we've been brought up to know nothing else. I know you don't love hunting, Sam- and you never have. But don't go thinking you have no responsibility to the family."
My eyes widen," Responsibility? What responsibility, Dean? Day after day, for the last 17 years of my life, all I've ever done is what you and Dad asked me to. So , don't you dare go spouting crap about my responsibilities to this family. I've been pulled- hell, pushed- into this disgusting way of life, and I've never, ever said a word. But, now...I'm done. I've worked hard , Dean. I deserve to live my life the way I want. And I opt out."
"Opt out of this family as well, Sam? You make it sound like all Dad and I have ever done, is choke you! Is that what you feel? Sam, everything you needed...I...Dad, tried to provide! The three of us is all we have, Sammy!"
"Dean, stop! What I needed? What we needed was a stable childhood! A good environment to grow up! Maybe, if Dad wasn't so obsessed with mom's death and all this revenge crap we'd.."
"SAM!" Dean yelled, " Don't you dare! Don't go there! Mom...died trying to protect YOU! This family...and this is the family you want to desert, you selfish bastard!"
"Are you saying Mom died because of me? Are you? It's my fault..that that thing killed her? It's my fault that Dad hasn't got one nice word to say about us...in this piece of shit?" I toss the journal at him, with all my might, my voice cracking slightly.
Dean glances through the journal, and looks up angrily, " You've begun to steal now? Dad's journal, really? To make a point about your how horrible your childhood was, you took the one thing Dad's asked us to keep away from!"
I feel betrayed and utterly hopeless as I look at him, searching for the right response. The only person I need to support me through this, the one person I know wants more for me than I could ever want, the one person who had the largest share in my every achievement, the one person whose approval matters the most to me- is that one person who is standing in my way. I don't know what hurts more, now- my unappreciated approval to Stanford, or the rejection and disappointment on Dean's face. My face hardens as Dean glares some more. I grab my jacket and my letter and walk out of the room, banging the door shut.
There's a long trail running deep through the back of the motel and into the adjoining forest. It's pretty dark, and Dad's asked us to stay in. Frankly, I cannot care less. I let tears run down my face, now. I don't try to wipe them off or even attempt to stop. The frustration I feel inches it's way closer and closer to the breaking point, and I lose all control. I punch and kick and scream at rocks, trees and the sky. I feel angry. I feel hurt. I feel like a freak.
The freak I am. The freak I was. The freak I'll always be.
The trail continues as I- mindlessly- move in deeper and deeper. A faint voice echoes through the forest, far far away. Sammy? Sam! The voice commands- Dean's voice. I stand still and try to calculate how far the sound comes from, as I wait for my brother to show up. I don't answer. I simply stand there. The voice booms in closer, as Dean appears- sweaty and out of breath- looking at me , dumbstruck.
"Why didn't you answer, you idiot?" Dean asks, hitting me on the head, " I thought you..."
"Took off? Or better yet, died?" I retort, bitterly.
Dean's face whitens, in the pale moonlight and he clenches his jaw, " You really think..? Wow. Sammy, I can't believe you said that.." He shakes his head, and I realise I've crossed a line.
"Wait! I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that, or that thing about Mom.." I pull at Dean's jacket as he begins to leave.
He turns around, frees my hand from his jacket and says, " Lets walk. "
Hey. This is the second part.
Part 3 and final part, which will have the John and Sam face off, will be updated pretty soon.
Hugs, y'all.
PS= The S10 finale wasn't that tragic, right?
