I've been trying to figure out how to start this, but I can't come up with anything that would make this easier for me. I'm not even familiar with this site and right now this all is very confusing. I'm doing this for my sister, Desiree who unfortunately isn't here with us anymore. Desiree passed away on December 11th 2010 for dehydration and kidney failure. I'm not sure where to begin because its been really hard. I have been going through her stuff for a couple of weeks now and found this sticker with her username and password for this site. I was curious enough to take look and now I'm grateful I did.

I was not there for her when she was struggling and it made me feel better when I found out that she had been communicating with people through internet in someway, that she had someone who to talk to. I know this must be very weird for people to read, but I am trying to pick up the pieces and figure out what was she doing and who was she talking to before she passed away. My sister had BDD, Body dysmorphic disorder and was battling against anorexia and bulimia for over 5 years.

Honestly, I hadn't seen my sister in almost a year because she did not want to see me. I was the one who was always pushing her into treatment and when she turned 18 she moved into her own place and that's when she stopped talking to me, to our whole family. I was so mad at her and angry that I gave up. I felt like I was making the situation harder for her and backed away when she kindly asked me to.

The grief that we feel right now is unbearable. At the same time I feel relieved because I know that she is with God now and in peace, but still I feel like I lost a part of myself. I can't blame her for this. I can't blame anybody which makes me frustrated. The reason why I want to share my sisters story here is also to help others. Most of you are girls, teenagers just reading these stories (?) and I want people to know that this pressure that drove my sister into losing herself is horrifying.

I want you to know that its okay to be different and I wish Desiree had seen that.

I watched by as she destroyed herself for others. She could not see the beauty that I saw, inside and out. There were days when she wouldn't step out of her room because according to her she was too ugly. I cant even count how many times she did that. I've been sitting in her bedroom for three hours now and I still cant comprehend that I'm doing this. I'm writing her goodbyes to people who she probably didn't even know, who I don't even know. I'm sorry that she isn't here to finish this. I'm trying to understand her decisions, but in a way I can't. I'm mad at her for tearing up our hearts.

I can't even explain how much I miss her. I miss my sister. I miss my best friend.

I know me and my family will make it through, but it will take time. My little sister is an angel now and I want to remember her the way she used to be.

Her big heart and fun personality. Her bubbly laughter and her sparkly eyes.

I just wish I had gotten the chance to say that I love her for the last time.

Don't take love for granted. Show your love before its too late.

Help your loved ones if they are sick like my sister was. Don't give up. Don't leave them behind.

If you talked to my sister in anyway, please contact me through this account and I will give you my email.

Or if you just need advice considering these diseases, please dont hesitate to ask.

xxx

When the clouds part and a ray of sun shines through

We look to the sky; and think of see our tears and feel our ache

We breathe you in with each breath we take

There is no need to miss, what is not gone

For us, you are right here, where you belong

You are the suns warmth on our face

Guiding us through this dark place

You are the whisper of the wind through the gentle sparkle in a stars light

You are the colors of the rainbow after a summers rain

Dazzling, vivid color's nothing could ever tame

You are the elegance found after a first snow

That small, beautiful, blinding glow

You made your own path from the start

And we continue to carry your footprints on our heart

When we stop to think of all we miss

Look around and think of this

Something so special & rare could never fade &

That is how we know you stayed

Because when the clouds part and that ray of sun shines through

We will smile, knowing that glimmer is you.

Rest in peace little sister,

Your big sister Sarah