A/N: Thank you for reviewing chapter one. I'm pleased you've liked the style of this story, all my fears/concerns have gone. I am very grateful to you for taking the time to review. I apologise for the time it took to update, some of you may know, I took a week away for my birthday, then my partner / beta has been in hospital and the visiting hours are crazy stupid, so I've had little time to even think, let alone write. Thank you for being patient and bearing with me. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Please spare a minute to post a review. Many thanks – Beth.


I found myself being unraveled at the hands of Olivia Benson. For years, the only role model I had was my mother, the doped up slag; so, you can imagine how I felt seeing this strong, beautiful woman working a real job, making a difference and earning money from a real profession.

I was in love. Love at first sight makes no sense, because love is blind. And if you look for love, you'll never find it, because you fall in love. If you're looking, it's hard to fall. Are you keeping up with me?

Anyway, Olivia Benson was the total package my life had been waiting for. I know what you're thinking, how can a rapist like me be in love? Let me tell you.

The months before my mom died, I wanted to become a surgeon, I had medical books, studied ferociously in biology and in my spare time dissected frogs and roadkill. I know what you were thinking then, it all starts with animal abuse, but I didn't. I never killed any living creature. Not until last year anyway. I had a plan for my life, my plan was to succeed, not end up here in this six by six.

My point is, I was in absolute awe of Olivia, she was perfect, hell, she still is. Once my mom's case had been dead and buried, so was I effectively. Olivia forgot all about me, she went on to the next case and then she did the unthinkable. She married Elliot Stabler, that prick who accused me of killing my own mother. Then, he knocked her up.

I loved Olivia so much, I knew there was only one way to get back in her life, I couldn't just sit back and watch her anymore, I needed contact, I needed her attention. And I knew how to get it. I started raping and killing women in New York. Trust me, this wasn't my first choice, I tried calling her, I wrote to her, I got an apologetic letter back, she never returned my calls; so when I saw her in the street and she looked straight through me, she didn't even recognise me, I flipped. I lost my temper, I knew then there was only one way back in her life. She had broken her promise to me, now I wanted to remind her of that promise, and that, I did.

The night my mom died I sat with Olivia for hours, she listened to me. I knew she was trying to figure me out, and as much as I wanted to tell her everything, I wanted her to work harder. I wanted her to prove she cared about me, enough to spend time with me, enough to sit with me for hours and drag it out of me.

"Are you hungry Luke?" she asked me, her plump lips captivated me.

I shook my head, "No, I'm okay thanks." 'I hunger for your kiss' I thought to myself. Olivia wasn't like the female teachers at my school, they were all either short and fat, or tall and fat. None of them cared about me, they spoke their educational babble at me, went home and forgot all about me. I didn't care, none of them meant anything to me.

"How about a soda? I know you're in shock, but you have to eat something." she was so sweet, so caring. She saw so many bad things in the world, so much bad in people, and yet she was quite possibly the most innocent thing I'd ever seen.

I nodded, "What is there to eat around here?" I asked giving in to her smile.

"Anything you want." she replied softly.

I grinned, we ended up with fries and a massive burger. She made a comment about me not eating, I told her I was lucky with mouldy bread and peanut butter at home, so this was a mountain of a treat. She smiled, I knew she felt pain for me, she felt sorry for me.

I didn't want her pity, I wanted her.

When we'd finished eating, she took me in to see a guy name Cragen, the captain. He was bald, looked like he once had muscles that now wobbled when he walked. He had eyes like brown pebbles, they didn't show any emotion when he spoke or listened.

"I've got him a placement in foster care for the night, Wendy and David Peters."

Those words shot through me, I hadn't even consciously thought it, but for obvious reasons, I was disappointed I wasn't going to Olivia's house. I imagined it to be a small homely cottage, or a beautiful proud Victorian town house.

I later found out it was neither, it was a crappy little apartment in a crappy rundown building. It's a cop life alright!

As I was saying, the look of disappointment must have been slapped across my face because Olivia looked at me and gave me a small smile. I understood, she was a cop, I was a kid in a case. What she didn't know was, I wasn't prepared to be closed like a case, I was a person with feelings, I was hurting, and not because my mom was dead, but because Olivia didn't think of me as anything other than a number. A folder on her desk. A witness. Evidence. I was there for her benefit.

I wasn't a crier, I'm still not. Kick me in the balls, stab me in the back, shank me, I won't cry. But hot tears fell down my cheeks when reality kicked me in the teeth. I let Olivia take me to that home, although I didn't stay long. The Peters' were slightly... dim. Sweet old couple, married since they were teenagers, citizens that would humiliate any teen from this damn generation. Full of morals, full of generosity, full of kindness and love to fill a stadium. A car with a tank full of gas.

I memorized the license plate of the Crown Vic, I knew it was a long shot, but at ten when I knew the Peters' were asleep; I took the keys off the handmade, wooden key holder nailed to the wall and drove to the station. I doubted Olivia would still be there, but knowing she worked there was enough to keep me on my own stakeout.

To my shock, thirty minutes later, a tired looking Olivia walked out, down the steps, got in her car and drove home.

For a detective, she wasn't very observant. I put it down to the tiredness. I followed her for a few blocks, when she parked up I drove passed her and parked up further down the road. I watched her go in her apartment building.

I decided the only thing to do would be to climb the fire escape of the opposite building and watch her. Can you blame me? She's hot! She's a MILF, minus the M. CILF? Cop I'd like to fuck. That works.

So I found myself sitting in the dark, the shadows of the night giving me enough shelter from detection, I saw her throw her jacket on the back of the couch. She put her hair up, I wished I could smell her skin, I bet she smelt great. I saw her pull off her shirt and pants, she grabbed her dressing gown and snuggled into it. I have to admit, I was disappointed I didn't get to see her naked; but as she relaxed on the couch, feet up, I imagined what it would be like, to make love to her.

I imagined it like this.

I'd massage her shoulders, they'd be tense due to her work. The more she relaxed, the braver I became. I'd move her hair to one side and gently kiss her neck, I'd see her shiver with anticipation, slowly I'd slip the dressing gown from her shoulders, we'd both stand, our lips would meet and we'd kiss passionately. There would be fumbling and grabbing moments, like the end of the world was about to happen. The intensity would be insane, and then. Well, do I really have to tell you? Somethings I'd like to keep for myself. It's not like I have a lot of anything anymore.

Naturally, being a kid, I had a hard on that needed seeing to. I'd never blown a load over anyone before. Fuck, I'd never had a hard on before then. It's hard to think about sex when you're mom is a raging slut.

It was the best feeling in the world, like orgasmic fireworks shooting from my cock. I panted so deep, and got so light headed from the whole ordeal I nearly fell off the fire escape. I don't blame you for cracking a smile, I do when I think back, but back then I almost crapped myself.

I went back to the old people that night, I slept in their house that smelt like an old people's home, the dusky smell of old. It wasn't something I could get used to.

At six the following morning they woke me up, told me to eat my toast and drink my OJ. Like I was bothered about food. I wanted to see Olivia.

"Eat up dear. It's going to be a long day." the woman crowed at me.

I smiled nervously, I think I freaked her out, because as soon as Olivia picked me up, I never went back. I wonder what happened to them. I bet they're not surprised I'm in here. I heard Cragen telling Olivia, the woman didn't want me back in her house, she got a devil feeling from me. I didn't do anything to them, but you can't blame old folk for their wives tales and weird suspicions. They're all loopy, I'm pretty sure as soon as you hit sixty, not only does your body go south, but your brain shuts down bit by bit. Everyday you lose a little more sanity. Death waits patiently for all of us y'see, sometimes he jumps the gun and takes people too soon, but it's his job. Haven't you ever done something too soon and regretted it?

I tried something when Olivia picked me up, when we got in the car I burst into tears. I didn't say anything, hell I knew why I was crying, but she didn't. I just wanted Olivia to hold me, to comfort me. I wanted to feel loved. I was confused, half of me wanted a mother in her, the other half wanted to be loved by her in a way only a relationship could satisfy.

That's when I asked her, I said, "Olivia, I love you. Will you marry me one day?"

She smiled at me like I was a kid who'd just mistaken the context of a word for another similar. "My first proposal." she joked. I was pissed, this wasn't a joke.

"I'll buy you a ring." I blurted.

She ruffled my hair, "When you're thirty, I'll marry you."

"Promise?"

"I promise." she said, bonding us for life.

It's a real shame she didn't keep that promise. I was gutted when she married that Elliot bloke. It felt like my heart had been ripped out and shown to me on a silver platter, then someone had force fed it to me like an invalid.

See, I didn't kill because I'm sick in the head like the other freaks in here. I killed for love. I killed because the only woman who made me feel anything chose another man and broke my heart. Can you understand that? That my intensions were only to recapture the attention of Olivia, not to hurt anyone...

The point I have been making is this, when Olivia closed me out of her life, I tried everything to get her back, and when none of that worked, I knew the only thing I could do was get her working on my case. Not my mother's case, but mine. So I started raping and choking women. I made sure she would never forget me again. Not this time.

But know this my friends, I never, and will never hurt Olivia. I love her you see.


A/N: Thank you all for reading, I hope this is still captivating you. I love knowing what you think, like I said before, I have never written in the first person before, and getting inside the mind of a criminal has been harder to write than I previously thought, but I'm not giving up. If you have a minute, please review, you can review logged in, or as a guest. Many thanks xo