Hai! This story is slowly getting crazier and crazier... I double updated! Since there wasn't any Wifi at my house I just went ahead.
Chapter Two: The Insane Lord
How to Prank Lord Voldemort
1) Send him hair conditioner
2) Give him U-No-Poo
3) Offer him the DADA Post, then refuse to give it to him.
4) Give him a potion of Insanity.
5) Make him drunk.
Voldemort was doing his favourite activity-well, second favourite activity, killing and torturing Muggles, in a playground in Wales. "Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio!"
After an hour or so, he stopped and took a break. Yes, even the all-powerful Voldemort takes a break. Anyway, he was sitting on a bench,and to not waste any time, he started doing his favourite activity-planning Harry Potter's murder. As he was feverishly writing down a list, an owl swooped down, dropped a letter on the bench, took one look at Voldemort, sqwaked, and started flying away as fast as his poor wings could fly. Voldemort read the letter. It said, "Congratulations, Mr. Lord Voldemort! You have won a free potion for eternal life!" Enclosed was a potion. An insane smile spread across his face worthy of Barty Crouch Jr. He drank the potion quickly, then leapt up and started setting the trees on fire, jinxed the birds, and made giant craters in the ground, and reduced the fountain to a mixture of dust and water, among other things. He shouted, "OH YEAH! OH YEAH! OH YEAH!"
A thousand miles away, in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, a certain Severus Snape heard the Dark Lord yelling. He immediately Apparated to the scene and had to give Voldemort a Calming Draught. But that wasn't enough, so the poor Professsor had to go all the way back to the castle, brew a Calming Draught that took three hours, then go back, which by then the scene-and everything ten miles from it- resembled a disaster scene. The poor, poor Professor Apparated twenty miles away, where he found the Dark Lord, or shall we say the Insane Lord now, pigging out on pastries, croissants, etc. desserts with the quantity which even Ron weasley would gag at, and that's saying a lot. Suddenly, the worse dilemma came: "I need to use the bath-room." Snape gulped. He quickly Apparated back to Hogwarts, where thankfully, no one would be eating more than Ronald Weasley and stating bluntly that they needed to use the loo. Meanwhile, Voldemort was giggling like a teenage girl and was stumbling as he made his way toward a bush. Thankfully, he was decent enough to conceal himself in the then found out something: He was constipated. However, he had the exact opposite reaction of other, more sane people. He yelled, "YES! YES! YES! I'M CONSTIPATED! I'M THE LUCKIEST WIZARD ALIVE!" Then he set fire to his bush. Which he was in. He cast "Aguamenti" and he, and the bush, were drenched. The poor bush would die the next day. He was still grinning crazily.
After three hours, the potion of Insanity wore off, and Voldemort found himself covered in soot stains and burns all over his body. He yelled angrily and started setting fire to everything again. Then an owl dropped a package on Voldemort's poor head. Voldemort screamed and threw the package on the ground. A bottle of hair conditioner rolled out. He screamed in fury and insanity and threw the hair conditioner on the ground, which broke and splattered Voldemort with bits of glass and hair conditioner.
Then Professor Vector popped in front of him."The headmaster asks you if you would like to take the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts, sir." Voldemort shot up. "YES! I'll take it!" He looked at the Professor eagerly. Said person looked at Voldemort warily. "Uh, never mind..." Voldemort stared at her. Everything began to sink in. "NOOOOO!" He yelled. He started destroying everything. Professor Vector quickly Apparated back to the boundaries of Hogwarts, and not a moment too soon. Voldemort screamed in fury, and at the end of two hours, half of Wales was a disaster scene. That was where the Aurors found him, and he was immediately and permanently sent to St. Mungo's, where he married Dolores Umbridge and had insane kids that had insane kids.
THE END
