Trials of Shish Kebab: A New Talk Show

Chapter Two

Disclaimers: Darren Shan owns the Saga of Darren Shan as can easily be seen by even the stupidest of rabbits. Nor do I own Kim Possible or Abilify...

Stephanie: We are back!

Kaitlin: Did you give them the complimentary pens?

Stephanie: Yes I did. They tried to flit...But I have connections with some powerful ninjas, and Darren and Larten got those pens right where the sun don't shine.

Kaitlin: Feeling violent today?

Stephanie: A bit.

Kaitlin: I'm sure.-pauses-Time to announce the guests!

Stephanie: Ah, yes. Darren cannot escape!

Darren: -is dragged onstage by security guards- No! I won't do it!

Kaitlin: You're the main character. You have to.

Stephanie: I don't think you can handle this kind of commitment, Darren.

Darren: WAAAAAHH! -sobs-

Security Guards: -force Darren into a straight jacket and drop him on the floor-

Darren: -rolls around-

Stephanie: And for our next guest, the main character's enemy/half-brother/the Vampaneze Lord...STEVE LEOP—LEONARD!

Loud applause emits from the audience.

Steve: -strolls onto stage- Thank you, thank you! –smiles-

Darren: -rolls onto stomach- Hi!

Steve: Oh my God, you! -growls- Oh my God, you! -cries- Oh my God, you! -laughs-

Kaitlin: -to Stephanie- You were very right when you said he was bipolar.

Stephanie: Now we need someone schizophrenic...

Steve: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!

Stephanie: Uh oh...Come on, plot. Hurry up!

Plot: -snore-

Kaitlin: Um...?

-antsinasnowstorm-

Stephanie: Take two...

Kaitlin: Darren and Steve!

Darren and Steve: -are thrown out from backstage and land on the floor-

Stephanie: Hi!

Steve: Where have you taken me, Shan?!

Darren: Psh. As if I would ever take you anywhere... -mumbles-

Steve: -shakes Darren- WHERE AM I?!

Kaitlin: You're on TRIALS OF SHISH KEBAB: A NEW TALK SHOW!

Stephanie: Different guest appearances every time!

Steve: -blank look-

Darren: You won't like it, if you were wondering.

Kaitlin: Let him decide that on his own, Darren.

Stephanie: -nudge, nudge, wink, wink-

R.V.: -runs on stage-

Steve: -pulls out arrow gun- ATTACK MY MINION!

R.V.: -charges at Stephanie and Kaitlin-

Kaitlin: ...?!

Stephanie: Abracadabra!

R.V.: -is blasted to bits:

Kaitlin: What was that all about?

Stephanie: Muahah!

Steve: You...You killed my minion!

Stephanie: Yes.

Kaitlin: On with the show!

-antsinasnowstorm-

Steve: No! I won't do it!

Darren: Do I get a break this time?

Stephanie: ...Maybe...

Kaitlin: Welcome to the...TRIALS OF SHISH KEBAB! OWAH!

Stephanie: Trial one...

Kaitlin: Steve, you have to go and...Eat a cheese and pickle sandwich!

Steve: Ick.

Stephanie: Darren!

Darren: Meep.

Stephanie: Go and eat one too!

Darren: NUUU!

AT A LOCAL RESTAURANT

Darren and Steve: -are force fed pickle and cheese sandwiches-

Steve: But I'm lactose intolerant!

AT THE STUDIO

Kaitlin: Yummy?

Darren: Not quite.

Steve: BLEH! –sticks out tongue-

Stephanie: Well, there's no need to be so immature about it, Steve!

Steve: Humph.

Kaitlin: Second trial!

Steve: WAIT!

Stephanie: More excuses?

Steve: Um...Trials are against my religion?

Crickets: -chirp-

Kaitlin: ...Moving on!

Stephanie: Trial two: Paint your fingernails black.

Kaitlin: Weren't your fingernails black?

Stephanie: Shh...

AT A MALL

Darren and Steve: -get their nails painted-

Kaitlin: Why didn't you just do it, Steph? You're good at that.

Stephanie: Are you serious? I'm not touching their freakish nails!

Darren and Steve: -return-

Darren: My dignity has just dropped by fifty percent...Well, more than it already has. You'll never guess who I saw in there.

Everyone: -investigate-

Mr. Crepsley: GET THOSE CAMERAS OUT OF MY FACE!

Stephanie: So that's where he got to...Larten! Larten, come back here! We have more complimentary pens for you! -chases Mr. Crepsley-

AT THE STUDIO

Stephanie, Darren, and Steve: -walk back on stage-

Stephanie: Now where did Kaitlin go?

Kaitlin: -pops out from behind curtain- Here I am!

Darren: What's with the change of clothes?

Kaitlin: -is garbed in tan pants and a black shirt- I'm Kim Possible!

Everyone: ...

Stephanie: That's good. On to our third–STEVE! Stop inching towards the exit!

Steve: -stops and smiles innocently- I wasn't!

Silence.

Steve: -suddenly makes a break for the door-

Ninja: -pops out of nowhere- OWAH! –tackles Steve to the ground-

Steve: EEEEEK! OH MY GOD, YOU JUST GOT MY DESIGNER TRENCHCOAT DIRTY!

Everyone: ...

Kaitlin: That's one bipolar kid...

Stephanie: Can we please move on to the next trial now?

Kaitlin: Yes. Steve, Darren, the currently absent Larten, sit down.

Mr. Crepsley: -poofs in- Oh, so you have control over me now?

Stephanie: Quite.

Kaitlin: Now, for the third Trial, you must make cheese and pickle shish kebabs!

Mr. Crepsley: Cheese and pickle? What an utterly odd combination. -ponders-

Darren: Odd in a bad way...

Steve: I'm feeling extremely abused right now.

Stephanie: God, Steve! Go take some Abilify!

Copyright Infringement Demons: ABILIFY IS OWNED BY ABILIFY. HAVING BIPOLAR DISORDER IS HARD. I CONSTANTLY HAVE MOOD SWINGS, SUDDEN BURSTS OF HIGH ENERGY, AND GET IRRITATED EASILY. ABILIFY HAS HELPED. ABILIFY. SIDE AFFECTS MAY INCLUDE FAINTING, HEART ATTACKS, STROKES, THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE, AND/OR SUDDEN DEATH.

-antsinasnowstorm-

BACK STAGE

Darren, Mr. Crepsley, and Steve: -are grilling shish kebabs-

Mr. Crepsley: It smells quite satisfying to me.

Darren: I never understood how you can use such large vocabulary without ever learning to read. That's messed up. I do know how to read, hell I write for a living (in the distant future), and yet I have a smaller vocabulary than you.

Mr. Crepsley: I so did not learn it from Arra during some very embarrassing moments I will not mention. -shifty eyes-

Steve: Why do we have to wear these stupid aprons?

Steve's Apron: Bite Me I'm Transylvanian

Darren's Apron: Vampires Suck

Mr. Crepsley's Apron: Kiss The Cook

Kaitlin: Why doesn't Larten's fit the vampire theme?

Stephanie: -shrugs- I couldn't find anymore good jokes.

Arra: -burst through door-

Security Guards: -tail her-

Arra: LAARTEEEEN!

Mr. Crepsley: Arra, baby!

Arra: Love the apron.

Mr. Crepsley: Thank you, sweetie.

Arra: I'd love it better if you weren't wearin--

Stephanie: -pushes Arra off cliff- Goodbye!

Darren: Oh, and you only respect her...Right...Right...

Mr. Crepsley: Are you being sarcas--

Steve: I'm being ignored!

Kaitlin: Okay then, Steve.

Cameras: -close up of Steve-

Kaitlin: What would you like to tell us?

Steve: -laughs nervously, waves at camera- Um...hello...STOP IT! You're embarrassing me!

ON STAGE

Stephanie: Alright. We're running out of time and Cheesey doesn't want to type anymore, so we're going to go really fast!

Kaitlin: TRIAL NUMBER FOUR!

Stephanie and Kaitlin: -throw shish kebabs at Steve, Darren, and Mr. Crepsley-

Darren, Mr. Crepsley, and Steve: OH MY BLEEPIDY BLEEP!

Mother Goose: -poofs in- Don't use that tone with me, mister!

Darren, Mr. Crepsley, and Steve: ...

Stephanie: TRIAL NUMBER FIVE! -pushes Darren, Larten, and Steve off a cliff-

Darren: This is so unfair! Next time, I'm making someone else the main character!

Steve: My trenchcoat! NOOO! That was my whole life savings plus some loans I can't even afford!

Mr. Crepsley: Here I come, Arra, baby!

Stephanie: If you survive, you win!

Kaitlin: We'll see you next time on TRIALS OF SHISH KEBAB: A NEW TALKSHOW!

-Sigh- That took such a long time. Sorry for the wait. This chapter wasn't particularly wonderfully spectacular in my opinion...But, it had its moments, right? Right?!

Whoa! 1,200 words on Word! Eight pages. I'm proud!