If you Only Knew.
Chapter 2 – Present Day.
Present Day; Cameron, North Carolina;
Drea's POV;
The past year had been more than difficult for me; I had lost my husband. The minute that he had been taken from me; was the minute that my life was over. I just couldn't concentrate on anything; I couldn't seem to get through the day without crying at least once. Everywhere I turned I was reminded of something about him – little things like standing at the kitchen sink could set me off in to a fit of crying that never seemed to stop. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of his cloths or things – I would go to bed wrapped in them and I was scared to wash them because I was worried that his scent would disappear and I would end up forgetting him. Even now, a year later, I couldn't bring myself to put any of his things in to storage. I knew that it wasn't healthy to have all those reminders all over the house but I just wasn't ready to forget.
A month after I had buried my husband, I had begun experiencing sharp pains in my stomach and then the bleeding started. Jeff refused to let me ignore it and he drove me to the doctor; the sonogram showed that my baby didn't have a heart beat; for a whole hour they tried to find it and I was inconsolable – all I could think was that I was being punished for some reason or another.
Giving birth to my dead daughter had knocked me back into the grief I had felt when I lost my husband. All I could think about was that God had taken the only thing of him that I had left. I hated everything and everyone around me for being happy; my doctor advised me that what I was feeling was perfectly normal.
How could it be normal?
I loved my friends as if they were my Family – I always put their happiness above my own but suddenly I was feeling things that were completely foreign to me. I didn't want to hate them for being happy and I didn't want to resent them for what they had but the more I tried to fight the way I was feeling, the stronger those feelings became. I began distancing myself from them, I wouldn't take their calls and I refused to hang out with them. I knew that it hurt them to watch me retreating in to my own shell but it was better that than end up destroying my friendships with them.
Jeff however, was the one who refused to accept the fact that I wanted to be alone. Every day he would turn up on my doorstep with coffee and muffins; he wouldn't leave my side during the day and he stayed until I fell asleep exhausted from yelling at him that I hated him and I hated that he was getting on with his life when my own life felt like it was grinding to a halt. My best friend took it all – every last word that I spat in his face, he wouldn't say a word, which at the time just made me madder, but I knew now that he was just letting me get it out of my system.
All I wanted to think about was my daughter – Danielle. For hours after I had given birth to her – I wouldn't let her go. I wanted her to stay in my arms, I wanted to tend to her like a Mother and I didn't want to give her to the nurses who would just place her on a mortician's slab. Cold and alone – what if she woke up? I had been so lost in my delusions that the doctor's had gotten it wrong that I had convinced myself that she would wake up at any moment. Being born at 20 weeks; she was still completely undeveloped but in my mind, I couldn't comprehend her being gone. My baby was gone – but she was in my arms; her flesh translucent and almost papery in density.
After holding her for a couple of hours, Jeff convinced me that it was time to let her go. I really couldn't have asked for a better best friend – when he had told me that he was going to be right by my side, it hadn't occurred to me that he meant he was going to be there all the time. It had even gotten to the point that he moved in with me after he had been turning up on my doorstep every day for 2 months.
With the patience of my friends – who were my Family – I finally managed to get through the days. I couldn't have asked them to treat me any better – it was like they understood what I had been going through; they understood the loss that I felt and they gave me the time I needed to work my way through it. Shannon had given me the perfect present – he had taken me to his shop one day about a month after I had lost everything and he had given me a tattoo of a pair of hands with rosary beads hanging from it with a D being held in each hand. This way they were always with me and I would never forget them.
Slowing my car down as I pulled in to the Hardy property because you never could tell whether or not the dogs would be roaming free. I drove the mile long entrance towards Jeff's new home and parked next to his black corvette. Climbing out of the car I was descended upon by Dragon; one of Shannon and Claire's dogs, Nero and Lucas; Britt and Matt's dogs, and Jeff's new puppy; Lizzie. It was always the same when I came over to their homes – whether it be Jeff, Matt and Britt's or Shannon and Claire's – I could hardly move because the dogs wouldn't give me a moment's peace. In all honesty – I didn't really mind all that much; I was a huge dog person and found them more entertaining than most humans.
After I had fussed over them all for a few moments, I walked towards the newly built home – I had to admit that it looked gorgeous but I knew that the inside wasn't finished because Jeff wanted it to be decorated in his own unique tastes.
"Honey I'm home!" I called out letting myself in the front door.
"In the kitchen hunny bunny!" Jeff chuckled back.
Ever since I had lost Daniel – I had leant so much on Jeff that my feelings had returned so quickly that I was sure that I should have had some form of whiplash. I had come to realize that they had never truly been gone; I had just learned how to bury them. I didn't want to jump straight in to anything but if losing my husband had taught me anything it was; you couldn't take anything in this life for granted because it wasn't a guarantee that it would be around forever.
Even if the dogs hadn't tipped me off I would have known that everyone was here because the sound of laughter filtered through the house and I could hardly remember what Jeff's last home looked like before he had lost it to the fire. It was time to make new memories here and it was going to be a lifetime of memories that all of us would cherish more than anything.
As a group of friends – we shared everything with one another. There were no secrets between us and I was grateful for that. After my Parent's had pretty much abandoned me; I had learned that friends really were the Family that you picked for yourself. I was lucky at the Family I had picked – they were always there for me, they always let me know that I didn't need my own Family and all that really mattered was what I thought and what I wanted and what I felt.
Finally making it to the kitchen which was situated at the very back of the house, I was instantly aware of one thing – Jeff had a woman hanging off his arm. A woman who seemed to be clinging to him as if she were marking her territory. A woman who looked like she had walked straight out of a salon. A woman who had Jeff gazing adoringly at her. Taking a huge gulp of air, I plastered the smile to my face and moved further in to the room.
Why did it feel like I had just been slapped in the face?
Why did I feel like I had been replaced?
My stomach churned into tight knots and it took all my patience and self control not to slap the woman who was whispering in my best friend's ear and making him smile before letting her go and move over to me.
"You're finally here!" He announced as he claimed me in to a tight, warm hug.
"No I'm just a figment of your imag-I-nation!" I giggled.
"Smart ass!" He chuckled. "How you feeling today?"
"I'm good big bear – I haven't had much of a -!"
My reply was interrupted by a less than subtle cough. Everyone turned towards the stranger and I saw Britt and Claire scowl at her. Thank the Lord that I wasn't the only one who seemed to have taken an instant dislike to this woman – although my friend's reasons for disliking her were bound to be different to my own.
"Drea this is my girlfriend, Phoebe!" Jeff announced smiling as he reached his hand out to her.
Girlfriend?
Since when did he have a girlfriend?
Had I really been so self involved that I hadn't even noticed that he had been living his life?
"Phoebe this is Andrea; my best friend!" Jeff informed the woman by his side and the minute my eyes landed on her I knew who she was.
Phoebe Jackson had been in the year below me in school – at first she tried to just get in good with my group of friends; the ones that I hung out with in school but when that hadn't worked – she started imitating me. I would get to school and find her wearing the same outfit I had been wearing the previous day, she died her hair the same colour as mine and she started following the music that I liked. I had felt like I was being suffocated – I had used to take great pleasure in the fact that I liked all the things I did through my own choices but this thing had come along and just shit all over that. I had hated her with a passion all through school and then when I had finally left I had thought for sure that would be the last time I saw her.
What the hell was Jeff thinking?
'Stop it! Drea; you have no right to make his choices for him and he is a free agent; he can date whoever he wants.' I scolded myself.
I wasn't my best friend's keeper; he had always had a mind of his own and that was why I liked him so much; we were much the same in that respect. What we wanted or thought was never influenced by other people. But clearly this bimbette was different and that had me questioning what he saw in her.
"Hi Andrea!" Phoebe said extending her hand and as I looked around the room, I could see that my other friends were looking anywhere but at this spectacle of a situation.
"Hey," I said giving her my best fake smile as I shook her hand then turned towards my friends. "Coffee guys?" I asked.
Everyone nodded their agreement and I made myself busy in making the drinks for everyone. Whenever I felt uncomfortable I would make myself busy so that I didn't have to deal with the situation until I felt ready too. So with my head buried in the task at hand, I listened absent mindedly to what they were discussing.
So much for my friends thinking that Jeff and I belonged together. It was something that they had always said; even before I had met Daniel they had been convinced that we were going to get together but then Jeff and I had talked about just remaining friends because we didn't want to spoil our friendship and clearly now that I was meeting this woman; I could tell that he was still thinking that. I would just have to find a way to get over it and get on with my life alone.
Maybe I was just destined to be alone!
Maybe I was being punished because I had still felt all these feelings for Jeff when I had been married to Daniel.
God I missed my husband now more than ever. I had never felt so completely alone in my life.
Jeff's POV;
For months I had been by Drea's side, I had supported her as much as I possibly could. I had done everything in my power to make sure that she knew I loved her and that I would do anything for her. I had harboured all these feelings but nothing seemed to get through to her that I wanted more from her. Of course, then I felt bad for wanting her to see that I was in love with her when she had just lost her whole life.
I had been more than willing to be by her side and help her raise this baby as my own but she hadn't seen that. All the times that I said I was going to help; she assumed that I just meant that I was going to be there as her friend and help her out on a part time basis. I knew that I was asking a lot of her when I wished that she would see that what I had said about us remaining friends had been a mistake but deep down I resented her for not seeing it. Then of course, I would fight with myself for being so selfish. My best friend had just lost her husband and the baby that she had made with her husband and all I could think about was that she would maybe finally see that I wanted her as a part of my life on more than a friendship basis.
I had met Phoebe at a show in Charlotte – it had been a night that Drea had been visiting Daniel's Parent's. It had been a ritual that she had slipped in to once she lost him. As far as she were concerned; they were her Parent's and they had been more than grateful that she had kept in touch with them. After not having any contact with her own Parent's for so long; she had longed for a Mother and Father figure in her life; Daniel's Parent's had given her that.
What did it say about me that I was more concerned about how Drea was doing with this introduction than I was about Phoebe dealing with it?
Maybe I was making a mistake in getting involved when I knew that it was Drea I wanted – but I was a male, I needed someone to help me get over what I was feeling and it wasn't like Drea hadn't done the exact same thing with Daniel. God I was in way over my head. I didn't even know what I was thinking anymore.
"So we're going out tonight Drea – do you want to come?" Matt asked moving over to where Drea was busying herself with making everyone coffee.
"Mmmm; I don't know!" She replied as if she weren't really paying any attention to him.
When I had first met Phoebe; I had been attracted to the fact that she had something about her that reminded me of Drea. But the more that I got to know her, I knew that she wasn't really at all like my best friend but by then I was too attracted to the fact that she looked exactly like the woman who had haunted my dreams for pretty much my whole life.
"Awe come on Chicka – it's not the same without you!" Shannon announced moving over to her and wrapping his arm around her shoulder.
I watched as he whispered something in to Drea's ear and she started giggling before reaching up and kissing his cheek.
"Hey! That's my man – you're making moves on!" Claire giggled dramatically.
"I'm sorry babe – but look at those cute ickle dimples; how can anyone resist those?" Drea laughed pinching Shannon's cheek playfully.
It was good to see that Drea was getting back to normal now though – after she had lost everything I had feared that she would never be able to recover from that but she seemed to be doing well as she slipped back in to the normal way that she was around us. It was a welcome sight to see and as I watched the 3 of them laughing; I knew that no matter what I did; I would never be able to escape the feelings I had for my best friend.
I could pretend that I didn't feel anything.
I could pretend that I had gotten past what I felt.
I could bury what I felt so far down that it would fester quickly.
All those thoughts didn't seem to hold much credence for me – what would lying accomplish?
All I could really do was keep moving forward with Phoebe and hope that somehow my feelings for her would become real and more than what I felt for Drea. Being alone just wasn't an option anymore. Being around Drea with no form of release had been driving me to distraction and I had gotten to the point where my dreams were turning erotic and every time I looked at my best friend I would get flashes of what she had done to me in my dreams. In essence it had become a living breathing form of torture that I just couldn't control anymore.
I didn't want to be that way with her. I wanted us to just be the way we had always been. I didn't want to ruin our friendship by admitting something that I didn't think she was ready to hear. For all I knew; she had gotten over what she felt for me.
"Maybe we could all go for something to eat before going out that way I can get to know Andrea a little better," Phoebe announced moving over to my best friend and wrapping her arm around Drea's shoulders.
I wanted to tell her to be careful because Drea wasn't the type of girl who was touchy feely with people that she rarely knew but somehow Phoebe had the charm to get under people's skin and remain there. It was exactly how she had captured me.
When we had met in that bar in Charlotte; she had appeared not to have a clue who I was and that was an attractive quality to me. I had enjoyed spending time with her that night and by the end of business we were already making plans to meet up nearer home. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't catch the way Drea tensed and shot a wounding glare in my direction.
"Actually we have some stuff that we have to take care of sorry!" Claire announced looking to Shannon who nodded his head eagerly.
I knew that they had been trying for a baby for a while – being together for so long had led to them talking about starting a Family. I was happy for them; so long as they were happy then I was too. I was as protective over my friends as Drea was and to hear that Shannon and Claire were planning on starting a Family with one another; I couldn't have been more convinced on how suited they were for one another.
"Matt? Brittany?" Phoebe asked turning to them.
"Sorry – we uhm – we have some stuff to sort out for The Hardy Show," Matt quickly replied.
I hadn't expected them to jump on the Phoebe band wagon when they were convinced that I was meant to be with Drea; but I hadn't expected them to be so rude about it. They had to learn that it was never going to happen between me and my best friend. We were friends and obviously that was all that we were destined to be. If I had accepted it then surely they could.
"Oh ok! Andrea?"
"Drea!" My best friend corrected her a little too sharply.
"Sorry, Drea would you like to join us for something to eat?" Phoebe asked once again her face falling when she realized that she was clearly being blown off.
"I'm sorry but I have some things that I need to take care of,"
I had known that Drea wouldn't have been up for it because tonight was always the night that she went up to Daniel's graveside and had her weekly chat with him. It was a ritual that she had settled into pretty much from the moment that he had been buried. And I couldn't expect her to drop that just because I had a new girlfriend in my life; but I thought for sure that my other friends and Family would have found a way to be there tonight. It was unfair that they were judging Phoebe purely on the basis that she wasn't Drea.
"Oh ok -!" Phoebe replied letting her face show the disappointment that she felt.
"It's ok baby -!" I started moving close to her and pulling her in to my arms. "That just means that we can have a romantic meal alone,"
If my friends and Family were going to make this difficult then I didn't care if they wanted to come out or not. I had picked Phoebe to spend my time with and they needed to respect that; they needed to make an effort to be nice to her and they needed to realize that this childish behaviour wasn't going to get them very far.
"Ok!" It wasn't hard to hear the disappointment in her voice and I vowed in that moment to do what I had to, to make her feel better.
"We're sorry that we're busy Phoebe – but we will see you later at City Limit's," Drea offered giving her a smile that didn't exactly ring true. It was just one of those smiles that didn't quite reach her eyes like it normally did.
Drea had a few different smiles – the genuine smile that reached her eyes and made them sparkle so brightly that I was always left stunned. There was the fake smile that never reached her eyes and looked like it was forced. There was the patronizing smile that always managed to make me shiver on in the inside; because she was always the one who managed to figure people out before anyone else could even form an opinion. Lastly there was the snide smile – which was the one on her face right now; it always said that I don't mean a single thing that I am saying to you.
Clearly Phoebe didn't know the difference in her smile; so she was oblivious but I knew that Drea was being polite because she felt like it was what she was meant to do for me. I wanted my best friend to like Phoebe for her not because she felt like it was what was being asked of her.
R/N - THANK YOU guys for the reviews so far - it means much more than I can say. I am almost finished writing this so I hope that you will continue to enjoy it. It will still only be one chapter a week until I have finished it :) I love you guys to bits and if you want more; then please just me know :D
Harley
xoxox
