"D.A.H.P. II: Il Potterino"
By Loki Palmer
Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling.
Chapter 2
"Loki, there you are! Aren't you going to come up here and sing something?" said Hermione.
"Maybe later, Hermione ... I have to go see Harry first."
"Don't take too long in there, dear Loki," said Ophelia. "There's a flock of females here that want to hear your lovely voice. If you take too much time in there with Harry, we'll come in and drag you back out."
"Now, THAT would be hilarious to see," said Tommy. "I'd pay good money to see that."
"I've got a video camera here so we can tape it and post it up on Youtube," said Benji.
Loki glared at them. "Shut up."
"Yeah, wonderful attitude you've got there, kid. Hey, Benji, can you keep the ladies entertained out here?"
"Aw, no, Tommy, I can't sing on key to save my life! If I try to sing, they're going to bury me in the trunk of a car or something! Anything but that!"
"Quit being a crybaby, Benji. I only said to entertain them — I didn't mention singing, did I?"
Benji breathed a sigh of relief. "Eh ... no you didn't. I'm sure I'll think of something ... like have you heard what a big appetite Loki has?"
"How big is it?" said the audience.
"His appetite is so big, when he goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they turn the sign around so it says, CLOSED ... FOR THE NEXT WEEK!"
Rimshot. Laughter.
"So I'm about to go through a metal detector, when the cop on the other side points out that I have a chain, and he's going to confiscate it. I tell him that I need it for protection from any gang members that cross my path. He says to me that it doesn't matter — he's still going to confiscate it from me. I ask him if he's going to return it to me when my business is done in the area. He tells me no. So, here is what I tell this jagoff of an oinker: Let me get this straight. If I stick up a casino with a gun, you say I'm robbing and I should go to jail for theft. On your side, you have a gun, a baton, a Taser, pepper spray and a mutt to threaten me with if I refuse to hand over my chain, and you call this act by the name of confiscating. What's more, you don't get penalized for confiscating something that is MY property, no, you get praised, while I would get fecking pinched. Let's cut the fecking Cerberus shite here: If it's theft for me to rob a casino, it should also be theft when you confiscate something. In other words, you jagoff piece of shite oinker, you are a máthair-fecking hypocrite and should go shag yourself!"
More laughter.
"Then there was another time when Loki was going to pass through a metal detector, when another cop noted his hammer, Mjøllnir. Of course, Loki has to hand it over. Cool as a cucumber, he puts it down and tells the cop to take it ... IF he can. The oinker tries, but he can't lift it!"
Yet more laughter sounded as Loki and Tommy went inside.
~DAHPII~
"Loki ... my dear friend ... it's so good to see you."
Kissing Harry's hand in homage, Loki said, "I'm happy to see you too, Harry. You've heard Constantine is back from the war?"
"Ah, yes, so he is. I'm relieved to see that. You don't seem to age a day. Olympus must be putting something special in your pumpkin juice."
Loki waved off the compliment. "You're too kind, Harry, but time has been good to you, Hermione, Tommy and Ophelia. Please don't take this the wrong way, but Hermione and Ophelia are still knockouts."
Harry smiled. "I understand, and thank you. Susan looks good as well. You spend time with her and your daughter?"
"Of course, Harry."
"Excellent. You can never be a real man unless you spend time with your family. Without Family, a man is nothing. Tommy, do we have a lot of time?"
"The ladies threatened to drag Loki out if he took too long with us."
Harry's smile grew wider as he chuckled. "I'll make sure to take my time then. Would you like some wine, Loki?"
"Yes, please." Harry poured him some.
"Teddy Lupin came to see me today."
"Ah, how is your godson doing?"
"He's doing allright, but he has a bit of a problem. There's a movie that he would be perfect for, but the director refuses to consider him. I want Tommy to go on his behalf — but after the wedding. If Tommy can't find a way to persuade the director, I'm sure you can — you know, make him an offer he can't refuse?"
"I'll do you one better, Harry. If this director refuses to listen to Tommy's reason, I can make sure he'll be quite miserable until he caves in."
"So, Harry, what's the name of this director Loki and I have to persuade?"
"Aiden Kubrick ... no relation to the great Stanley Kubrick."
Tommy's eyes glazed in pleasure. "Ah, Stanley Kubrick was a genius ... THE SHINING, CLOCKWORK ORANGE ... great villains in both of them."
Loki decided to add his two Knuts to the conversation. "Indeed, but Heath Ledger's Joker in THE DARK KNIGHT was the villain par excellence. It was a sad day when he died."
"He went out with an awesome performance. 'I believe ... what doesn't kill you makes you ... stranger.' What a brilliant line!"
"Yeah, or what about his quote on madness? 'Madness is like gravity ... all it takes is one little push.' That is a very accurate summary."
"Why do the good have to die so young, Loki? Think about it: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Franz Schubert, Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger ... and a whole host of other great people. It doesn't make any sense."
"Such an apparent tragedy doesn't make sense to me either, Tommy, but we remember the dead best by remembering their great accomplishments."
~DAHPII~
Hermione, Ophelia, Susan, Daphne, Ginny and Luna arrived in Harry's meeting room. "It's time for us to drag you out, Loki," they said.
"Would you prefer that I come out on my feet, or would you like to carry me out?"
The six ladies talked over Loki's question. "We'll carry you out." Ophelia stationed herself at Loki's feet. Susan stationed herself at his hips. Daphne, Ginny and Luna stationed themselves at his back, while Hermione got the position of his head. "One ... two ... three!" They lifted him up and carried him out, Harry and Tommy following and laughing at the sight.
~DAHPII~
"So, Loki, what song are you going to sing for us today?" said Hermione when they put him down.
"Which song? Hmm ... I know! I'll start with a song that's always good for a laugh and a blush ..."
"Benji, do you still have that video camera?" said Tommy.
"Yeah, I still have it, Tommy."
"Well, start rolling! These performances are a laugh riot!"
With that, Loki — in fact, several clones of Loki in perfect unison — sang Weird Al's song, "Do I Creep You Out?" Much to the increased amusement of the audience, Hermione, Ophelia, Daphne, Ginny and Luna started to smack them around the stage by the time they reached the line "Your restraining order's out ..." (though the laughter in their faces ruined the serious nature of the smacking). Harry and Tommy had to take over the singing at that point.
When it was over, a laughing Tommy came to the real Loki, who was standing by Susan. "Loki, how do you stand up to that much punishment?"
"Safety precaution, Tommy. Did you really think I could be standing by several ladies all at the same time? Think of it like the stunt actors you would use for dangerous stunts in a movie."
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
Loki looked up at the ladies with shock on his face. "You ... the five of you ... you smacked me."
"Does Loki's face hurt?" said Hermione. "How about Ophelia and I make it better?"
"Oh, yeah? How do you expect to do that?" The response from Hermione and Ophelia was to kiss him on his cheeks, which turned bright red as he fainted into Susan's arms.
