Hello all!

So, following the suggestions of two of the reviews for this story, I decided to go ahead and add a second chapter- this one is only telling things from Raphael's POV since I did notice that he was barely in the first chapter. Personally, I wanted to try my hand at writing in Raph's POV for practice and because it's nice to see a soft side to our hothead turtle.

Thank you all for the ideas! I hope this will meet your standards!

Enjoy! I own nothing. All is in Rapheal's POV.


Always Knew

Chapter 2

How am I supposed ta face the fact my lil bro ain't here no more? Especially after everything I said to him... I never got a chance to tell him I was sorry, that I didn't mean any of that, that I was just angry at him...

He's dead... Mikey's dead and gone and tomorrow we gotta bury him... but sayin' that ain't makin' this hole in my chest get any smaller. In fact, it feels worse!

I'm sitting alone on the roof tonight. Me and Leo... well, oddly enough, me and Leo actually had a talk, the first in days since the Shread-Head whooped our asses. But it wasn't a talk, like the kind where you both sit down and chat over green tea.

I told him EVERY last thing I said... and I cried. I sat there in my big brother's arms and sobbed like a baby. But at the time, I hadn't cared who saw me, what they thought of me, not even my so-called 'bad-boy' rep Mikey loved to make fun of me about. I needed to vent, and I guess the tears just followed suit.

Mikey... he knew we were a freakin' train wreck from that day. He always had that weird sense- Sensei explained it once but I just shrugged it off as Mikey being his usual goofball annoying self.

And now look. We don't have a goofball anymore. Just a cold lifeless body sittin' in Don's lab about to be six feet for good.

Donnie was a MESS- and I do mean MESS- when he came out of that lab a few days back. He just broke. And if me and Leo and Sensei weren't there to catch him, he woulda fallen and neva got up.

In a sense, we all felt like that. We all lost a huge part of us when Mikey died, but to actually WATCH the life just... go from him... it'll haunt me.

He seemed so peaceful, so... happy. I guess because we were all with him, all protecting him... even after all the words we said to him... even after what I said to him... he felt safe in my arms.

I wish I knew why. I deserve for him to hate my guts, to haunt me day and night until I can't take it and go off myself... but that's one hell of a bad excuse to wanna die.

I stood up and stretched, looking at the stretch of New York in front of me. As I did, I remember thinking that Mikey loved to run. He loved the nighttime air, but it was for a reason not like my own.

I loved to be free from the underground life we had to deal with day in and day out. I hated feeling... trapped. Mikey loved to run because he loved the fact he felt like nothing could stop him. He loved to run because we ran with him, and he felt safe, even with Shredder and Bishop and all our usual out tryin' to kill and dissect us.

He loved bragging about his speed as he would jump and bound from rooftop to rooftop, laughing that crazy, annoying laugh, and... watching us laughing with him. He had fun because we had fun and even with our life...

Now, that laugh isn't one we we'll hear until we see him on the other side. It's quiet... and I hate it.

I stand on the edge of the rooftop and look below me. Yeah, I thought about it. I thought about endin' things right then and there. Jump off a rooftop, slash my throat until I bled out... I thought about it so many times. And it was Leo and Donnie and Sensei who finally snapped me out of it, saving my pathetic hide... they let me see that lowering my guard doesn't make me weak... but allows me to begin to make that step. It's really hard.

Especially when your chest hurts like hell because of it.

"Raphie."

I don't turn around. I know it's him. He's the only one who still calls me that stupid nickname...

'Shut up wit that stupid nickname! God, I hate you... I hate you. No one likes to deal with a happy idiot who only thinks about comics and games!'

I didn't mean any of it... and now he's gone and I...

"You don't need to sit out here. The others need you. Go home and be with them."

I bit my lip. Leo and Don were finally asleep and I needed time to be alone and think. And now, with him here... I can finally get this... pain out of my system. I have to.

'Raphie... you taking your own life won't solve anything. I don't want you over here because you let your pain consume you, bro. I can't watch you guys suffering anymore because of me. Please... go home. Be with the others.'

I can't take it. That suffocation. My chest feels tight and him begging me to go back home when all I want to see his smiling face telling me this is some prank even though I KNOW it's not true... God, I can't take it anymore!

"Mikey, we need ya. We NEEDED YOU! Why'd ya have to go and die on us like that?!" I yell, turning to face him. He tilts his head and smiles at me, but that's not that Mikey grin I'm used to seein'!

"We needed ya, Mikey... so why?"

The little twit takes two steps towards me, closing the gap between us and reaches out for me, probably to come down from the edge. I know I can't touch him... he's... dead.

"Why, Mikey..." I finish in a weak whisper. I come down and stare at him, unable to find anything else to say.

"Raphie, you guys never needed me. No one needed an idiot like me dragging them down." he answers quietly.

I shake my head- if he wasn't a ghost, I swear I'd shake him too! Instead, my hands clench into fists and I look at him with an angry glare. "We didn't need you?! If it wasn't for you, we'd have KILLED each other already! We needed you to keep us together! To keep us going!"

Mikey sighs. "Maybe... but when I was there, I was only in your way. Leo was right... I needed to grow up. You all needed a brother who didn't need a babysitter. But Raphie, I'm dead now. And look, it brought you guys closer together, as a family. You have each other's strengths to lean on when one grows weak. But as for me..."

He turns away and looks at the city, his bandanna tails gently moving, that stupid thoughtful smile still on his face. I hate it... I hate this! This isn't HIM!

"I was just too weak to stand by your side. I was never going to grow up because I had you three to shield me. Not anymore. I'm not like that now. I can't be a screw-up or a child or get in the way. I grew up now... and I can protect you guys like you did for me."

I felt the harshest of tugs in my chest. This is not what I wanted... if Mikey growing up meant he had to lose his life, that we had to lose the ray of laughter that he was then he never needed to change!

"NO! Mikey, there's a reason you're OUR baby brother! We're supposed to protect YOU! You didn't need to change! There was nothing wrong with you! You never needed to change..." I trail off as I fell to my knees, my voice breaking.

"We did... we needed to change. We should've seen you were hurt too, but you kept wantin' to make us smile and laugh, even when you had to be hurtin' after all we did was push you away, hated you for being yourself... for being that light..."

Mikey's soon matching my eye level and he places his hands over mine although I can't feel them. I guess it's to make me feel better. But I don't. I can't feel better knowing I let my anger at the most innocent of us grow this bad, to a point where my words became true!

"I killed you, Mike... I killed you and took you away and I'm so, so sorry..." I whisper, the tears rolling down my face and dripping on my hands.

I can't even look him in the face... I deserve his hatred.

"Raphie?"

I slowly look up. His big blue eyes are looking dead into my own, almost... into my soul, kinda. It feels weird.

It's even weirder when I felt his finger wiping away my tears... as if I was the child.

"It's not your fault. It's not Leo or Donnie or Sensei's fault. I made my choice. As long as you all remember you're a family... then everything will be okay again. Give it time to heal. Please? For me."

I crack a genuine smile, the first in days since this whole thing happened. "Ya know I can't say no to those eyes, ya idiot." I say softly. He knows what I mean.

Smiling bigger than ever, he looks up and then stands. "I know, Raphie boy. But I guess I'd better head back. You should go home too. Get some sleep. And don't worry- I'm still with ya. Just, you know, not with ya." he cracks with a small laugh... which I join in on.

He's still my baby brother, the same little joking ball of light I realize now... is finally growing up.

"Mikey."

"Yeah?"

I walk past him and said, "Thank you. For everything."

I don't need to see his face to know what he was going to say next. I just smiled.

"Thank you, Raphie- boy."

I shake my head but can't help the feeling that the hole is my chest is closing a little. Even when he still calls me that silly nickname... it doesn't... hurt as much, you know?

I headed down into a nearby man-hole, and once I entered the lair, I saw Leo, who was sitting at the table, a cup in his hands. I guess he couldn't sleep after all. Without saying a word, I walked up to him and sit in the chair across from him. He's out of it and I know he's been crying. I don't hide the fact I was, too.

"We're gonna be alright, Leo." I said calmly. Leo nodded, still not looking up. I sigh and look behind him.

"Donnie alright?" Another nod.

"He's with Master Splinter. I don't think he wants to be left alone right now." He's shakin', and I can tell his voice is failing him. He's sufferin' like us, so why won't he let himself grieve?!

'Fearless... Leo. You don't have to be brave anymore. I'm not leavin' ya until I know what's wrong.'

I stare at my big brother, waiting for him to say what's really on his mind. It doesn't take long for him to crack.

"How could we do something like this? How could we just push him away, say what we did, and leave him to suffer for our faults?!" he said angrily, quietly. I grab both his hands and tug him over the edge of the table. The cup of whatever he'd been drinking spills but neither of us pay any attention to it.

"Leonardo. Listen and listen good." I say with a hint of pain in my own voice. I know what he's going through because I thought the exact same thing. His eyes are looking at me with a fair amount of confusion at my actions, but he stays quiet.

"It is NOT your fault we lost our brother. Not alone. We all did this together, Leo. Yes, we said what we said and did what we did but we have to live with that. Mikey... he forgave us. He grew up and he understands why. The only person to blame is The Shredder and we will kill him for what he's done."

I let go of his hands and he slumps back into the chair. "But we can't do that if we can't come together. As a family. Mikey knew... he knew if we kept going like we did we would lose each other. Him dying showed us that, ya know?"

I stand up and pull Leo out of the chair and lead him over to the couch. "We lost our light... but he's not gone forever. He's still here, and he's makin' sure we stay together. We have to heal for not just us, but for him too. So when we see him..."

I smile at the thought. "... we can apologize for everything."

Leo stays quiet a bit longer, but I don't mind. I'm surprised I could say all that and not have an anger fit. i'm just surprised I could say all that! I flip the TV on for no reason and toss the remote aside. 'Mikey, I get it. I understand now why you did it. It still hurts, but... I finally get it, bro.'

"Raph..." I look down at Leo, who looks pained and exhausted. I can betcha the Fearless Leader didn't have time to cry for himself.

"He's still here... even though he's gone physically, his spirit is still standing with us, laughing and making sure we heal right." he says, but I can hear it. He's struggling to keep it together. For whose sake, I don't know. Hell, I've cried so many damn times these past few days I'm surprised I still have the strength to be angry at anything.

Leo needs me... just as Mikey always seemed to know.

"We owe him, Leo. We owe him a lot."

Leo nods, and I hear a tiny sniffle. Rubbing his shell, I simply whisper, "Leo, let it out. You still have us... and we're not leavin' ya alone now."

The next few moments, Leo's sobbin' in my chest, every last tear he's been holding in, and I don't say a word. I hug him tight and let him cry himself out. He needs to... he has to.

"We're gonna be alright, Leo. We're gonna be alright."

Leo slows down with the waterworks after who knows how long, and I can feel how drained he is- he can barely sit up. I lean my head back and stare at the ceiling above. It's peaceful now. It's weird how I feel like that, but after all that's happened, it's... just peaceful.

"Raph... thanks." Leo whispered as I felt him falling asleep. I chuckle.

"Don't get used to that, Fearless. Get some sleep."

I know Leo's smilin'. I am, too. Like, since I spoke to my dead baby brother smilin'. And as I feel myself nodding off, I know I'll be joined with the rest of our family. But that's alright.

And yes, Michelangelo is still standin' with us. Yeah, I can never hug him or take swipes at him when he makes his corny jokes, or watch his eyes light up when he reads a new comic or plays a new video game.

But I know that Mikey's keepin' an eye on us until the time comes for us to be with him. He's always gonna be with us, no matter what or where he is, where we are.

'Thanks, Mikey. For opening our eyes and hearts to the truth.'

I wouldn't want things any other way.

END


And complete!

So what did you think? Please leave a review and tell me if I can improve on anything- I'm still trying to get Raphael's character so forgive me if he seems a little OOC- I don't think you'd stay angry if you lost a family member but that's just me.

Until next time!