Through the paper cup that her hands were curled around, Piper could feel her palms burning. She welcomed the pain caused by the scalding liquid, using it to calm herself as she took the couple of steps over to where Alex sat waiting for her. Pulling the chair out, she looked to the dark haired woman whose eyes were fixed on her, her gaze cold and detached. Piper had known it would be. It was a look that she had seen before; mules who disappointed her were sat down like children, addressed without anger, rather a more parental you've-let-me-down-and-you've-let-yourself-down tone of voice. It was a tone that always resulted in said mule casting their eyes downwards and hanging their heads in shame, promising to never make the mistake again. Piper would watch from the sofa, her attention apparently focused on a book but Alex knew that she was watching every second, drinking her in. As the mule would get up to leave, Alex would look over to Piper and give her a wink with a small smile behind the mules back and Piper would laugh quietly to herself. Now, as Piper sat down, she knew that this time there would be no wink or secret smile. Those days were over.
"So how have you been?" Piper asked, fully aware of how awful the question was. Alex's scoff of laughter told her that she was thinking exactly the same thing.
"Just peachy" she answered, an eyebrow raised and her arms crossed over her chest as she leant back in her chair. It was predictable body language; closed off, distant. Piper knew that she could expect nothing more. She didn't ask for this. She probably thought the last thing to happen today would be running into the woman who abandoned her the day her mum died, but here they were. Their time was short and Piper was determined to make the most of it.
"Are you living in New York?" she pushed on. There was a silence as Alex took a slow sip of her coffee and Piper thought for a moment that she wasn't going to answer the question – she wouldn't put it past Alex to sit in silence for ten minutes before getting up and leaving without having said a word – but as she placed the paper cup back down on the table, she looked up and their eyes met.
"For a while, yeah" she answered. Piper nodded.
"Still...?" the question trailed off but they both knew what she was asking.
"Yeah". Piper nodded again, a nail tracing up and down the grooves in the side of her cup, her eyes carefully avoiding Alex's'.
"I thought you might have been out of it by now" she said quietly. Alex let out a small huff of bitter laughter.
"Yeah, well turns out it's a pretty effective distraction" she paused. "I got two promotions". Piper looked up at her, surprised that she had offered the extra piece of information.
"Well done" she wasn't sure if it was a statement or a question, but Alex didn't seem to care, nodding her thanks and taking another sip of coffee. Her eyes scanned the shop as if she were looking for someone, waiting for anything that would mean she would have to leave. Piper wondered if she was in fact waiting for someone, if their time together was even shorter than she first thought. With her eyes finally settling back on Piper, Alex pursed her lips, apparently deciding if she should speak.
"How're things with you?" she eventually asked. Piper wasn't entirely sure how to answer, opting to shrug and tip her head to one side slightly.
"You know, okay I guess". Alex nodded. "I met someone." Her voice was the gentle, wispy Piper voice that she reserved for breaking bad news. Alex didn't flinch, her eyes staying firmly on Pipers face and, nodding ever so slightly, she indicated for Piper to go on.
"His name is Larry." Alex scoffed.
"That's an awful name" Piper smiled, letting out a small laugh. She couldn't deny it. It had been her very first thought as she stumbled into Polly's house to find the man sat on the sofa.
"It is. But he's wonderful". She didn't know why she was telling Alex this, why one of the first things she was saying after three years was that she had found herself a kind, gentle, routine kind of man. Was she trying to make Alex jealous? No, that wasn't it. She wanted to let Alex know that she was okay. That she was moving on. That she hoped she had too.
Nope. That wasn't it either.
"I'm very happy for you" Alex deadpanned.
Lies.
"I kind of went a bit crazy after…you know" Piper gave a one shouldered shrug, not wanting to say the words.
"After you abandoned me?" Alex offered bluntly, eyebrows raised and if Piper didn't know her better, what she would have thought to be an amused smirk on her face. Piper tried to hold back the unimpressed look she was itching to give.
"Yeah, after that. Thanks" she deadpanned.
"No, thank you" Alex replied, stony faced and her words sour. Piper nearly walked out. This wasn't working. She was stupid to think that it ever would. She could feel her muscles readying to bring her out the door and away from all of this. The past belongs in the past, after all. Unless the past is sat opposite you, looking at you with eyes that can still flip your stomach and crumble your resolve. Instead, she decided to continue. If conversation was flowing, even if it were one sided conversation, there wouldn't be time for the type of silence that can mean so much. Later, when they really have gone their separate ways and are thinking about the morning, there wouldn't be endless gaps of nothing that can be analysed and thought about, questioned and regretted. They wouldn't remember the time together as full of bitter quiet, neither of them having the nerve to say anything. Neither of them havinganything to say. That's not what Piper wanted, so she spoke about the one thing that had dragged her back from the edge. Larry.
"He stopped me going off the rails, you know. I didn't think I was ready to meet someone but," she shrugged "I guess it was another of life's surprises. He looks after me." Alex inhaled loudly, exhaling the air through her nose in an impatient sigh. She was clearly uninterested in the Larry/Piper love story. After pinching the bridge of her nose, she ran a hand through her hair, pushing the dark waves back from her face and then looked back up to Piper with glazed eyes. She was clearly checking out of the conversation. Piper leant forward onto the small round table between them, resting her forearms on it and angling her upper body towards Alex more in an attempt to be closer to her.
"You'd like him" she said softly.
Bullshit.
The incredulous look on her face told Piper that Alex clearly didn't think so. Her eyes drifted over to the coffee queue which was slowly dying down as the business men and women of New York made their way back into the cold and to work. When she looked back at Piper, it was clear that the topic of Larry was closed.
"What time do you have work?" she asked. Piper felt a pang of annoyance. If Alex didn't want to be here, she didn't have to accept the offer. It was so like Alex to sit there the entire time with a jaded expression, making Piper feel like if there was a list of places she wanted to be, right here would be on the bottom. Apparently Alex still had the innate ability to read Pipers mind, rolling her eyes and leaning forward onto the table, matching Pipers body language.
"Don't look at me like that. I just wanted to know when you need to leave"
"In about 15 minutes." Alex nodded, her eyes downcast, inspecting the sleeve of her leather jacket. Piper was almost positive that if she were to look in the lining, there would be an alcohol stain that she had been responsible for. Walking to a club on a night out in London, Alex had wrapped it around her shoulders as she noticed the small shivers wracking her body. When they had eventually got there, Piper had placed it by her feet at their table and promptly knocked a pitcher of brightly coloured cocktail onto the floor and all over the jacket. She had tried not to laugh as Alex mopped at it in vain with her sleeve, but there had always been the stain in the lining. That jacket had been all over the world, Alex bringing it with her even to the hottest of countries. You never know when you're going to need to look badass, Pipes. Piper had felt so fucking guilty about ruining it, but Alex had waved away her apologies and shrugged. Accidents happen. It was a mistake. But Piper had never burrowed it again, telling Alex that she wouldn't forgive herself is she did more damage to it.
Same thing applies to her now, Piper. You've left a mark, don't make it worse.
Piper was sure that it was the very one that Alex was wearing now, the leather soft and worn. God, she had loved that fucking thing.
"I've been talking about myself, haven't I" It wasn't a question. Alex looked at her for a moment, her face still stoney. But then, to Pipers great relief, her lips twisted up into a small smile and she let out a quiet breath of bemused laughter.
"When do you talk about anything else?" The softer tone came as a welcome change for Piper and the tense atmosphere was lightened slightly, giving Piper hope for the first time that maybe this could work out. Maybe they would walk out of this Starbucks okay. Maybe they could be friends.
The voice, that fucking voice of reason that Piper hated so fucking much.
You were never friends and you damn well know it.
Piper looks down at her nails, the smile and laughter dropped from her face. She knew where their talk had to go; a topic that she wished she could avoid forever, but Alex deserved to have her answers and the elephant in the room would need to be addressed sooner or later.
"I'm not sorry I left you". Her words are gentle but there is no apology. It is clear that the words have been thought over and over again through the years, tested out, tried on for size. At one time, there had been no 'not', just a sincere apology. At one time, there had been a clear question mark at the end, leaving room for argument and persuasion. At one time there had been hatred behind them, a fire that mirrored the spirit of the woman they were aimed at. But not anymore.
Alex scoffed, taken aback by the sudden confession and the decision to have the heavy conversation directly after the mood had shifted from one of bitterness to one of potential civility.
"Gee, thanks." she was expressionless again, leaning back in her chair and returning to her original position, arms folded and closed off. Piper could practically see her humming to herself as she picked up bricks and built up her wall again.
"I had to leave you, Alex. We weren't healthy for each other" she paused, searching Alex's face for a reaction, any reaction. When she received none, she shook her head slightly, sitting up straighter. "You know we weren't, Alex. We had something amazing but it was poisonous" Alex was bouncing her knee, her eyes firmly trained on the movement as Piper spoke. Suppressing a sigh, Piper decided to change direction.
"How was the funeral?" the words were gentle, a genuine question that Piper had wondered about for the three years they had been apart. But as soon as she asked it and Alex's eyes shot up to meet hers coldly, shaking her head from side to side, Piper knew that she wouldn't get an answer.
"Na-uh. You don't get to ask me about that. I will sit here and listen to you talking about your new life and I will be happy for you, Piper, honest to god I am. But you don't get to ask me about that". Piper nodded in understanding. She had overstepped the mark.
"How did you cope after I left?" she wasn't sure if her question would elicit the same response but she was relieved when Alex shrugged nonchalantly.
"Oh, you know. I moved on. Fucked my way around a couple countries, lost a lot of money, drank you away. The usual". Pipers' heart sank. She knew she had hurt Alex deeply when she had left and although she had spoken in a blasé kind of way, Piper could still recognise the truth and the hurt that edged her words. There was a moment of quiet that hung heavily in the air and Alex knew that she hadn't achieved the off-handedness that she had intended. With a heavy sigh, she leant forward, one arm on the table.
"I was a mess" she confessed with a shrug, her tone finally serious. "I was miserable. Of course I was miserable. I'd lost everything. I came back from the funeral and I was…" she shook her head and rolled her eyes up the ceiling, searching for words. "I was a fucking mess. Fahri tried to pull me out of it but it was pretty hard, you know. All I did was drink and fuck girls in bars". She laughed bitterly to herself at the memory. "It wasn't my finest hour. I drank away so much of his money that in the end he said enough was enough". Piper could imagine Alex in a drunken haze, stumbling from bar to bar in skin tight clothes and high heels. There would be no shortage of alcohol or drugs, no shortage of gorgeous women for her to fuck in back alleys. The occasional one would be brought back to the bed Piper used to know so well and be kicked out before they fell asleep. Cold. Clinical. Piper cast her eyes downwards, ashamed at what she had caused. The image was too clear in her head.
"You?" Piper considered her answer, thought over the past three years and her lips quirked up at the corners sadly.
"I was okay for a while. I thought I had it all sorted, you know. I was doing okay. I convinced myself that I'd done the right thing and you were better off without me anyway. I thought that I had it all figured out but then I got so lonely. Everyone had moved on and started to settle down in the time that we'd been travelling and they had no time for me". She finally looked up to Alex who was listening intently, her entire attention focused on the woman in front of her. "So I started drinking" Piper could see the parallels in their fucked up lives when they had gone their separate ways. She had said that they had been poisonous together, but it was when they were apart that the real poison had started to drip the real poison into their bloodstreams. "I started smoking weed whenever I could. I actually met Larry when I was high as fuck in the middle of the day. I got bitten by a dog" Alex raised her eyebrows, a smirk on her lips and Piper gave a small breath of laughter, nodding. "Yeah, I know" she shook her head at the memory. "I was high all the time. And I mean, all the fucking time".
"That's so not like you" Alex told her, her words confident, leaving no question. And she was right. When they had been together, Piper would indulge in a couple of hits on the long lazy evenings by pool sides, a crowd of people they barely knew laughing and playing music neither of them had never heard. But by herself in a park in the middle of the day? No. Piper had often found herself surprised at her own actions but had got very good at shrugging it all away.
Alex knocked the forgotten cup of coffee absentmindedly with her finger, watching her own actions so as not to have to look up at Piper. With her eyes fixed on the cup, she took a breath.
"You're looking good, Pipes" Piper couldn't have predicted that even when she had known Alex better than she knew herself. There was a softness to what she had said and it caused Pipers heart to painfully skip a beat, stunning her into silence. "City life suits you". Alex looked up, her eyes flitting around the emptying coffee shop and she scoffed quietly before Piper had a chance to say anything.
"I never thought we'd end up here" Piper wasn't sure if she meant here in this shitty coffee shop in New York which was so bland and uninspiring or here. Here, sat across from each other with the history of intense lovers and the awkward, fleeting eye contact of strangers.
"I gave up trying to guess when it came to us".
"Probably sensible". A sudden soft laugh from Piper caused Alex to look over at her, silently questioning the reason behind her outburst.
"God, you took me everywhere" Piper began, a smile, real genuine smile, on her face. It was the biggest one that Alex had seen from the woman in so many years and, despite herself, she mirrored the action. "I never knew where we were going or what for. Business or holiday. Wander the city, lay on the beach –" she paused, her eyes twinkling "jumping off waterfalls". Alex also smiled slightly. She would never forgive herself for that particular reckless dare, the image of Piper falling falling falling. And then coming to the surface, throwing her hair back, trying to look like a fucking movie. Alex could still feel the sick feeling slamming around her stomach and the sheer, overwhelming feeling of relief at hearing that ridiculous fucking laugh as she surfaced.
"God, I was so pissed at you for that".
"You were the one that dared me to do it!" Piper cried indignantly, a smile on her lips. It had been in the days when Alex couldn't predict every single move that Piper was going to make. A couple of months later, a year, she would never had double-devil-dared the girl to jump from the death drop of the waterfall because she would have known full well that she would fucking well do it.
"You could have killed yourself!" Her words came out harsh, the annoyance and protectiveness she had felt on the day flaring up and shining through her eyes. The two women glared at each other for a moment, tensions high. And then Piper quirked her lips and Alex's eyes softened and they were both laughing and looking down at the table, avoiding each other's eyes.
"I loved every one of our adventures" Piper eventually said into the silence. Alex nodded.
"I know" she said sadly. "Me too".
A phone beeped and Alex reached down into her bag, mumbling a quiet excuse me as she read a message and frowned. Piper knew where this was going. She had seen this play out so many times. So many times.
"Look, I'm gonna-"
"have to go" they said in unison. Alex gave another sad smile and her shoulders slumped.
"Yeah" Standing up, she hooked her bag into the crook of her arm and adjusted her jacket, tugging at the bottom of it. Piper stood too, both of them unsure of how to part. There was an awkward moment as they both stood looking at each other knowing that this could be the last time in a long time. This could be the last time.
Alex leant forward and pressed a soft kiss to Pipers cheek.
"Bye, Pipes" she said quietly. Her words were delicate and Piper felt the petulant cries of her inner child. This wasn't fair. They hadn't sorted everything out yet. This was the worst last chapter ever. This was the story she would throw against a wall in annoyance, but it wasn't a work of fiction. It was her life and this was where this chapter of her life ended. Here, in Starbucks. Fuck.
"Bye, Alex."
As Alex began to walk away, she hesitated and half turned back. There was a moment of uncertainty as she made a decision.
"You know, I'm gonna be in New York for a while" she said. Piper felt herself smile slightly.
"Okay"
"Do you wanna take my number and we could…" she trailed off, leaving the possibilities for what they 'could do' endless. No restrictions and no promises. Alex could feel the mistake she was making; this could only result in her getting hurt again, but she would wonder what could have been for years if she didn't take this risk whilst she could. Pipers face split into a grin and she nodded enthusiastically. Alex began to search through her bag, but Piper was already pulling a pen out of her own and holding out a napkin before she could find one herself. Alex laughed gently. It was so typical Piper to be so organised. Of course she had a pen within reaching distance wherever she went. Sheesh. Writing her number down, she passed them back to Piper, held her hand up and waved slightly.
"Bye" she breathed. Piper let out a small laugh and waved back.
"Bye" she smiled. Alex turned and melted into the crowds of New York. The invisible woman. Gone.
-x-
13 hours later, the kiss on her cheek from Alex will be replaced by one from Larry. The napkin on the table will be picked up and examined and there will be a joke about Piper getting random guys' numbers in bars. She'll mutter quietly that it was a girl in a coffee shop, and she will never know if he hears. They'll sit across from each other and eat dinner, her mind will be elsewhere, in a place she used to hate with a woman she used to love.
Their apartment, their carefully constructed lives, will be critically analysed in her mind that evening. Is this what she needs? Definitely. But is this what she wants? She won't have an answer. She'll think over the last three years and then she'll think over the last six. There'll be pros and cons and comparisons galore. She'll think about the woman she used to know and the man that she lives with but she won't come to a decision. Not yet.
Every time she passes through the kitchen, she'll glance down and her mind will change and it'll be unbearable and stressful. She'll pick up her phone and type the number in and then shake her head and delete it. She'll repeat this process more times than she can count.
The napkin, with its name and its numbers, will remain on the table for exactly four days.
-x-
7 days and 9 hours later, Alex will give up waiting for her phone to ring.
-x-
5 years, 139 days and 2 hours later, Alex will sigh. She will chew on the inside of her cheek and try to ignore the eyes that are staring at her so intensely. The impatient tapping of a pen on the table in front of her will drive her crazy and the list of names scrawled over a piece of paper will stare up at her. She'll think about the girl in the coffee shop and she'll sigh once more and fold her arms across her chest.
And then she'll look up into the eyes of the cop whose day she is making.
And she'll say "Piper Chapman".
-x-
6 years, 295 days and 4 hours later, Piper will see two black boots come to a halt in front of her. Her crying will be replaced with screaming and as she looks up into the face of her ex-girlfriend, she will think that maybe there really is nothing quite like a woman scorned.
-x-
So there we have it!
I really enjoyed putting together my very own little bit of head-canon and I hope you guys enjoyed reading it. In my mind, Piper is so indecisive and so easily influenced that if Alex had asked her to run away with her in the coffee shop, she would have. But only having her number and thinking about it whilst immersed in her life with Larry? She was never going to take that risk.
Thank you so much for all those who fav'ed and followed, and especially to BatMel, Loveth Mark, PhantomJazz, Apyabt, Marissalyn, Sarah, Igotyourweregoinghome, lj and ToTheBarricades for taking the time to review.
Until next time!
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