A/N - So no more sniffles and no temperature and I am back at work terrorizing staff. On the upside, I realy missed writing and I guess what I have decided is I am taking a break from taking a break and will finish this story and I actually have an idea for a continuation of the MFiyH's universe as well. BUT...work is crazy which is not new and I am back on my travel schedules and conference calls and clients so we'll see what I can write in the scant hour or minutes I have.
Get It Right
Hurt everyone else
Rachel can hear the knocking sound from her car engine and prays that it doesn't die before she reached Grove Street. Finn had promised to look at it last weekend and she's almost sure he didn't because it sounds even worse now than it did a few days back and there had been a college game playing that she knows he had money on.
She knows he doesn't do these things on purpose and likewise when she tunes out his constant chatter about football games or one of his new tools, it's not about hurting him even if all they're doing is hurting each other by default.
She sees the turning up ahead and sighs in relief when she parks without any issue. Her dads' house is four streets over and she knows that they would welcome her back if she knocked on their door but she can't bear to see the sadness mirrored in their faces as they look at her, wondering how she could give up so much and receive so little in return.
She and Finn had barely made it through the weekly dinners there in the beginning and in recent years, had whittled down the get togethers to every other month or so. She loved them with all her heart but could not face looking at them, seeing the unasked questions on their faces. Why had she changed so much, why had she given up her dreams to be a star and why Finn. She has no answers for herself much less for them.
But they were her parents and loved her unconditionally so they held their tongues even as they held onto each other and cried when she had broken the news of her marriage, citing tears of joy even if she could tell that she had broken their hearts.
The sun's bright as she puts on her sunglasses and steps out of the car, waiting for the potential buyers. A couple actually moving back to Lima, like a myth made real and she's almost sure someone some where's playing a prank on her like on those past TV shows. Only she's just Rachel Hudson, music teacher and part time realtor from Lima Ohio, who hadn't done anything or been anywhere, the epitome of a Lima Loser if she were being honest with herself.
She sees the SUV pull up and takes a step back when she recognizes the occupants through the glass. Her focus on their matching smiles, so reminiscent of high school that she feels the familiar ache in her heart more prominently than she has in months.
"Hey Rachel, I told Mike that it had to be you. When the company said that we would be meeting a R. Hudson, I was so sure that it was you." She feels Tina's arms around her, hugging her and almost lifting her off the ground. Her sudden onset of tears almost unexpected as she quickly scrubs at her face, thankful that she still as her sunglasses on.
"Hey is everything ok?" Mike's kind voice cuts through her haze and his quick look to Tina makes the Asian woman quickly drop Rachel back down.
"Sorry, Rachel." The sheepish smile on her face belying her worried tone. "Did I hurt you? Mike always says I don't know my own strength but then I tell him I'm a chiropractor." She smiles tentatively at Rachel who is staring at the both of them, the sunglasses still blocking her eyes.
"I'm fine. Sorry, I'm just surprised to see you. My office didn't tell me your names. Only that you were considering moving back to Lima and needed to see a few houses?" Ending with a question as Rachel knows that Mike's mom has a chain of restaurants in Ohio. The first one in Lima and that she had always wanted Mike to take over. Only both he and Tina went away to college never intending to return.
She looks at both of them and finally sees Tina's protruding belly and Mike's protective stance next to her. "Oh, my god, You're pregnant, congratulations." Again she sees their matching smiles but all she feels is relief that it's not her and Finn, knowing that all she would feel would be utter despair if she got pregnant now.
"Yeah. We are and we are planning to move back. My mom's retiring and she wants me to help run the restaurants. She doesn't want to move though so we promised to move back here for a year or so and try it out." Tina glances up at her husband as he speaks, nodding at his words.
She could open up a practice anywhere and it was about time Mike settled down into a career, any career. She was tired of him trying everything out and not settling on something. But she loved him and he loved her and moving back was something that they both agreed on especially after she found out she was pregnant.
"That's really great. If you come this way, I'll show you the layout and walk you through all the features. Rachel's already in her sales mode although she does tone down her smile and starts by highlighting the afternoon sun through one of the windows and cautions that they would need to install blackout blinds if they wanted to maintain the hardwood floors near that window.
She and Finn could use the money but she couldn't in good conscience talk Mike and Tina into buying a house that they didn't completely want. They had a baby on the way and clearly loved each other and trusted her so she wouldn't take advantage of the situation. She knew exactly what making a wrong decision felt like. In fact, all she can think of are the number of wrong decisions she had made thus far, each one leading on the next like a house of cards. And she knows that she's too frightened to leave Finn because everything would tumble down around them.
She spends more than two hours with them, answering their questions but also listening to their life story and giving them updates on what had gone on in Lima since they left. Not that there was a lot of updates to give although she's surprised that they've kept in touch with almost everyone. She wants to ask about one particular person but holds her tongue, hoping that they'll eventually get to Quinn Fabray.
"..and of course you know all about Kurt. I mean he says he talks to Finn every week." Rachel smiles at Tina's words. In reality, Kurt would call Finn but after uncomfortable hellos and Finn telling Kurt that both Carol and Burt were doing well, he would hand her the phone and she would talk to Kurt; counseling him through various breakups with a slew of men who didn't deserve him or setbacks when his designs were not accepted at work.
Rachel nods before leaning back on the sofa in the living room, wishing that her house was even half as nice as this one and berating herself internally for being ungrateful despite getting what she had always wanted.
"And you must have seen the show yesterday right?" Tina's excited voice cutting through her inner diatribe as she looks up, confusion on her face.
"What show?" She does not want to explain that she couldn't have watched anything because Finn had to sell their TVs. She feels like crying again but she bites down on her tongue because Tina just mentioned Quinn's name.
"Quinn won an academy award yesterday." The excitement in her voice bubbling over as Rachel tries to understand the implications of what she had just heard. She knew that Quinn had gone to Berkley, intending to study Law or Business or some other staid, traditional subbject but then she had switched majors halfway through. She had been surprised at first to know that Quinn was majoring in Film studies. But Quinn always had a sense of style about her and she was the only one who had the vision to see what staying in Lima truly meant. So in the end, Rachel thought it was fitting.
Surprisingly, Puck was the only one Quinn had kept in touch with and it was him who told Rachel about her studying cinematography and directing, surprisng her parents. She had told him about falling in love with being behind a camera and seeing everything unfold through the lens. How she felt in control for the first time in her life. He had been surprised that Rachel had wanted to know anything about Quinn and she had lied telling him that Shelby wanted to know for Beth.
She hated herslf then, when she saw his face fall at the mention of the daughter he never got to know and she felt so guilty that she cried herself to sleep that week after Finn would fall asleep.
"For directing?" It was such a foreign concept to her, being somewhere else and winning something so prestigious. Ten years ago, she had dreamt of being onstage and winning Tonys' and Grammys'. But Quinn actually had done it. She had proven that she was the one that didn't belong in Lima and had been meant for greater things.
"Yeah. I mean it was for Best Documentary but her name's been in all the papers as the new 'it' director. I hope she'll come to the reunion." Tina sees Rachel expression go from confused to happy and then to stunned.
"Reunion?" She knows it's been ten years since high school but so far, she's done her best to ignore the passage of time; each year depressingly similar to the one before such that they all bled together in her life, nothing to distinguish one for the others, nothing to look forward to and none worth reminiscing about. Finn was still trying to apply for a part time coaching position at McKinley and he would have known if there was a reunion planned but so far he had never said anything to her. She had been offered a part time position teaching music and assisting Mr. Schue with Glee and she had wanted so badly to take it but Finn had been angry that his application had been rejected yet again so as always, she held her tongue and swallowed her need.
"Yes, it's scheduled for end of next week, Class of 2012 back together again. Mr. Schuester's in charge and he sent out the invites a few days ago although he's emailed everyone months back. Tina and I were going to drop by the school and see if he needs any help." He's about to ask her why she and Finn hadn't volunteered but stops when he sees her pale features, meeting his wife's eyes and shrugging his shoulders at her unasked question.
"Rachel, are you feeling ok?" Rachel feels stupid and embarrassed to have Tina, who's four months pregnant, actually worry about her welfare.
"Sorry, I'm fine. I think Finn may have mentioned it but you know how absent minded I can get." She wonders how long Finn was planning on keeping it from her but worse she wonders why. She knows that she's guilty of keeping a secret from him as well but hers is understandable and in the end for his own good. She had chosen this dream, this life and she was going to stick to it because it was what she deserved.
She couldn't understand why Finn would keep the reunion from her unless he didn't want her meeting anyone else, unless he was worried that she didn't love him enough. It was a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts and Rachel realized that it would be up to her to prove to him that despite what she felt deep down, she wasn't going to leave him.
"So if you want to take your time and consider this house, I'll just leave you my number and.."She fumbles in her purse only to feel Tina's hand on her arm.
"It's ok, Rachel, we'll take it." She can't begin to describe the respite she feels at Tina's words and this time, she does not stop her tears as they roll down her face. She knows that this small win is nothing like winning an academy award but her dreams had shrunk in size and in her mind, this commission was like a godsend.
Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders
"No" The word falls from her lips with a finality that brooks no response. Even so, she turns away from him as she grabs her jacket from the closet and her car keys from the hook by the telephone. Jackson's friendly banter still ringing in her ears but all she can focus on is the invitation he had in his hand.
She received Mr.' Schue's email months ago but had chosen not to think about it. She was still working out her plan and even if her script was finished, she needed to make a name for herself if she wanted to get her own movie made, withot any interference, without any changes and with the one person she needs to have in it, the only person really.
Timing was finally perfect but she's scared of so many things, most of all, she's frightened that the illusion she's created of her put together life would vanish the moment she sees Rachel, that instead of thanking her for setting her on her way, she would revert to being that self centered bitch whose only goal during that time was to be prom queen. Who didn't think enough of herself to imagine that she could be more, achieve more. It had taken a small brunette spitfire to force her to finally face reality and understand that she was worth so much more even if it wasn't Rachel's initial intention. She really owed Rachel so much and she knew exactly what she needed to do to pay her back. Only she was scared and worried that she had read the situation wrong and that in the end, Rachel wouldn't want to have anything to do with her.
Not that she would blame her. Quinn had made her life difficult right until Finn had broken up with her just before prom. When Rachel had won, she actually joined in the cheers and applauded as loudly as she could, at last feeling free and unencumbered from any expectations. Realizing that she could plan beyond high school and reach for things just out of her grasp by just pushing herself a bit harder. Applying to Berkley and finding what interested her the most. Not being afraid to tell her dad that she wasn't going to Law school because she finally found something that made her feel good about herself, something that made sense in her head.
Her biggest regret though was never warning Rachel that Finn would never leave Lima, that he was tied some how to that tiny town and by choosing him, she would be as well. So she had always planned on making it up to Rachel eventually, ensuring that she would know how much Quinn felt beholden to her. Going back to Lima meant having the chance to do just that. But she wasn't sure she could face rejection from Rachel.
She knew all about the brunette, her quickie marriage and subsequent settling down with Finn. For the first few years, she had dreaded receiving calls from Kurt knowing that he was going to tell her that Rachel was pregnant. Only she began to realize that it wasn't going to happen six years ago when he innocently told her that Rachel wanted to wait because they were still scrapping by. And the story never changed year after year.
It didn't sound like the Rachel she knew, the one who would push to get her way and who would overcome all odds in order to do it. So she started asking questions back, small ones at first, interspersed with questions about the rest of their glee club members so as not to arouse suspicion even if Kurt saw through it and told her what she needed to hear.
All in all, she managed to put together a picture that saddened her as much as it frightened her, one of shattered dreams and wasted potential. How it could have been her life instead of Rachel's and how she needed to save her. What started out as a stupid fantasy had taken a life of it own as she began to plan, incorporating the outcome she desired into her career, knowing that she needed to make a name for herself as a director before she could work on her own project.
Jackson's been looking at her as all these thoughts scramble through her mind, as if he can divine everything in her head and understand the implications of the invitation he had in his hand. And truth be told, he was close to guessing at least part of it.
He knows some of her background, her repressed Catholic upbringing, the short fall from grace resulting in her teenage pregnancy and finally the push that sent her out of Lima. Losing Prom Queen and surviving the humiliation because it wasn't about peaking in High School but planning for a real future.
Lessons that she had learnt mostly the hard way but there had been someone who had been there, who had shown her the way. Someone that she didn't want to talk about but only alluded to when she got too drunk to control her thoughts and feelings. A person she was tied to whether she wanted to acknowledge it or not.
He knows that if he doesn't push her, she'll continue to hide from whomever she wants to reach out to but can't. Maybe he's being selfish in doing it but he figures that when she finally confronts everything and decides on what or whom she wants, he'll finally feel free of her as well. That he won't keep waiting for her to turn to him and realize he's always loved her and was still in love with her. He needed her to move on before he could.
"Why the hell not? You're at the top of the world, just in time to go back and rub everyone's face in it." He sees her stricken look and backtracks a bit. "Or finally prove to them that you're more than that HBIC in high school." Se smiles at his words and he's glad to have her back and not off in her head, feeling guilty and remorseful even though he can still see those emotions reflected in her gaze.
"Can you get the studio to read a script treatment before our meeting?" Ten years was relative in the scheme of things. It was like a blink of an eye if she focused on the positives and so long in the making if she thought about what she needed to do to make it up to Rachel. And if she was serious about the latter than it was time she started.
He's surprised that she doesn't put up more of a fight and realizes that perhaps she's finally come to terms with whatever's been holding her back. "Sure, I think they would love to review something that you're passionate about."
Quinn nods her head, all the pieces of her plan finally in place. "Ok." She turns to him finally. "Jackson." His name always sounded better when she said it and he meets her gaze from across the room.
"Yeah, Quinn?"
"Thanks."
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
It wasn't suppose to be like ths, she knows how this will end and she's scared but still cannot bring herself to stop or change directions. Rachel can see that he's really angry,so much so that his hands are in fists and his breathing is so loud that it echoes around her. She had made him ribs and potatoes and had held her tongue all throughout dinner even when he denied knowing about the reunion only to backtrack that it had slipped his mind.
Howver, for te first time, instead of nodding and accepting that things were the way they should be, she had questioned back, pushing him to admit that he had lied t her, that he had known about it but didn't tell her and in the end, it had been inevitable that he finally saw through her own charade and called her on it as well.
"Why do you have to come down on me? You think I don't know that you're unhappy. You think I can't hear you cry yourself to sleep. How do you think that makes me feel, huh, Rach?" He's screaming at her from across the room, holding himself back from striding across and towering over her because he can see the fear in her eyes. He hates that she's afraid of him and he hates her for showing it.
"I'm sorry." She hadn't wanted to accuse him of lying to her but he had. She had called Mr. Schue yesterday on the pretext of asking if any of his glee students wanted additional voice lessons. He had been so nice to her the past few years. Sending students her way and running interference when parents would sometimes complain that she was too direct in her criticism of their kids' talents or lack thereof.
Rachel knows that he does that because he pities her and can't understand how she could just throw away her dreams and she had stopped trying to convince him that she was truly happy because she really wasn't.
Halfway through the call, he had asked her if she was planning to go for the reunion, already receiving replies from Mercedes, Kurt, Tina, Mike, Lauren and Puck. Finn had all the details and Mr. Schue had talked to him last week and Finn had said that Rachel was still considering it.
"I…I just wanted to know why you told Mr. Schuester I was thinking about it when you never told me." Her voice goes soft at the end, hoping that in doing so, Finn would also lose some of his anger.
"I don't know, ok." His tone is still belligerent because he does know why he lied. He just can't bring himself to have this conversation right now. But Rachel could read him better than anyone else in his life and she could tell that he was lying even if he refuses to meet her gaze.
"Am I not.." She stops her words when his eyes flick up towards hers as if he was challenging her to finally say the words that has been going through their minds for the past few years. "Do you not love me anymore?"
"Did you ever love me?" His counter question at once unfair but still justified.
"Yes…" Her answer quick such that it surprises him but even more so, she finally does not stop but continues on the path that they had both suddenly found themselves on . "Once. "
He swallows at her honesty and nods slowly. "And now?" He knows the answer but needs her to say the words. He's always wanted a simple life, an easy one and in the back of his mind, he knew, he always knew that Rachel was never simple.
"No." this time she's slower with the word as if measuring the amount of hurt it will render but still she says it, her eyes closing as the word settles between them. Finn thinks that this is the exact moment that their marriage ended although when he's finally honest with himself, he'll realize that it ended years back only they were both too afraid to admit it.
"I'll pack some stuff and stay at the garage." He turns before she sees the tears in his eyes. He's not embarrassed but he also does not want her to know that mingling with regret are tears of relief.
"No, I can go to my dads." She can't bear to stay here, knowing that it's her fault that she couldn't make it work. "Please Finn." The plea in her voice stopping him. "I'll get the rest of my stuff over the weekend."
He looks up at the low ceiling and blinks before turning back to Rachel and nodding his acceptance.
She takes a step forward only to see him tense and she doesn't take another step instead waits until he walks out of the front door, shutting it behind him softly.
Rachel doesn't cry until she knocks on the door to her childhood home. The tears streaming down her face enough to frighten both her dads such that they embrace her without a word, not demanding any explanation as they made up the bed in her old room. The walls still bare except for the faint outlines of posters that once showed her the way to her dreams.
End Part 2
So since the chapters are longer, this story will probably be about six chapters or so. As always, thanks to all those who reviewed, favorited and put this story on alert. I try and respond to all reviews so for those who blocked responses or were anonymous, thanks again. Ayway, tell me if you like Ch2...
