No Regrets
A Brian and Justin Fan Fiction
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters nor do I presume to do so. I make these for fun not profit and mean no disrespect. If you do not like male/male relationships or any television shows regarding homosexuality, please refrain from reading my story. I would appreciate that respect.
Author's Note: This is the final part of the gap filler I posted almost exactly a year ago. Tomorrow it will have been a year. Takes place from the moment Brian finally confesses his love to Justin at the end of 5.10, and the beginning of episode 5.11. It was originally one chapter but now it is two. This is what I believe to have transpired between these two. Warning: If any of the themes presented disturb, please refrain.
Ch 2: Thoughts Divided
Shimmering light filtered in through a nearby window as I slowly opened my eyes. They strained against the foreign light. I was disoriented and forgot where I was. It looked like a place I had woken up in so many times over the years. More than I could count. I suddenly felt strong arms wrapped around my waist. His arms. I would always recognize them along with my partner's breathing. Correction, ex-partner. Waking up in his arms, even though I knew it was temporary, was the best thing I could have woken up to after the events of last night.
Shit. Last night. Babylon. The explosion. The bomb! Vivid rapid images from last night flittered across my brain. I didn't want to relive this. One of the scariest nights of my life aside from that night in the parking garage almost 5 years ago. I remembered last night I tried to put it all in the back of my mind and just focus on Brian.
It was selfish, so selfish and I couldn't believe I could forget about the victims. Brian had caught me off guard with his declaration. After five years I doubted I'd ever hear those words from him. The ones I longed to hear, yet also feared. I feared that they weren't legitimate. That Brian was only saying them because of what happened, not that they were actually true.
I couldn't just let it be because the doubts kept reappearing. Brian shifted and I inhaled slowly, not wanting him to wake up, needing him not to so that I wouldn't have to tell him what I decided. I didn't get much time to think about how I would say to him what I needed to say.
"Morning, Sunshine. I missed this," Brian said in his sexy husky morning voice. This was going to be more difficult than I had thought.
"Yeah, me too," I smiled weakly at him.
"You okay?" He shifted to look into my eyes. I knew he would catch on, he always did. He knew me so well. It was hard to believe he didn't realize we were soulmates before. But were we?
"Yeah, I'm fine. I should go."
"Why? It's not like I have a club to run anymore. Kinnetik can wait."
"I need to go to my studio. I need to let out what I'm feeling onto a canvas."
"Oh. Can you stay for a bit first?"
Shit, I thought to myself. How in the hell was I supposed to do this? I guess there was no easy way.
"Brian, I think we should talk."
"Okay. This sounds serious, I think I need some coffee. That okay?"
"Yeah, sure. That's fine."
Brian smiled nervously at me as he rolled out of bed. He did it so effortlessly as if he had floated. He probably knew what was coming. It wasn't the first time I had left him. But it would be the last.
I didn't get up right away to follow him. I needed to think about how I would do this. I knew he'd be hurt. But he'd survive. He was Brian Fucking Kinney, Stud of Liberty Avenue. Something about saying that name in my head didn't sit right with me. It seemed as if Brian had changed and wasn't that person completely anymore. It wasn't enough to get me to change my mind, though.
I eventually smelled the brewed coffee and I knew I had to make my way into the kitchen to deliver the news. He was already reading a newspaper. Shit, the bombing was probably on the front page. I peered over his shoulder to see the front page as he handed me my cup of coffee, with lots of sugar. He knew how I liked it.
"I can't believe this. It seems real now."
"Yeah. Ugh. It sickens me that someone could do something so heartless."
"You know straight people, they hate us to our faces or behind our backs. I used to think to our faces was better because we could show them we weren't going anywhere. After last night, though, I think I'd like it much better if it remained behind our backs."
I cleared my throat. I didn't know how else to respond. I totally agreed with him. I was tired of fighting to make everyone realize that gay people were just like straight ones. When could we just win so we didn't have to fight anymore. We would always be fighting. That thought chilled me to the bone.
I couldn't hold back anymore from what needed to be done.
"Brian."
"Hmm?" He was engrossed in the paper, or at least pretended to be.
"I thought a lot about what you said last night."
"Oh?" He put the paper down and folded his hands in front of him. I could tell he was nervous. He looked up at me and waited for my continuance. I froze, suddenly not knowing how to tell him my speech I had planned out in my head.
"I meant everything I said last night."
"I know you did, Brian. So did I. I meant all of it."
It registered with Brian what I meant. I could tell by how his eyebrows folded inward.
"I can't be with someone who doesn't want the same things I do. Even if there is a chance of him wanting it in the future. I'm ready to get married now, Brian. Maybe if I'm single when you're ready, if you're ever ready, we can try again. But for now, I need to be single to figure things out." I had never meant anything more.
"Okay. I get it. But doesn't the fact I love you count for anything? The fact I said it?"
"It counts. More than you know. This decision was so hard for me to reach."
"You really don't want to be with me?"
"I can't say I don't want to. That would be a blatant lie. It's that I can't."
Brian didn't respond. He just looked at me as if I had finally did it. I finally hurt him. He then did something that is so characteristic of him. I wasn't surprised. Avoidance.
Brian cleared his throat, "Well, I should probably go into Kinnetik after all. I have to make sure all of my employees are accounted for." He got up from the barstool he was sitting at and went into his room to get dressed. I didn't know what to do or say in response, so I just watched him. He walked behind the folding screen in his bedroom so that I couldn't see him. He never shied away from me when he was changing before.
I was hurt, too. I knew he couldn't see it at the moment. He probably felt like I didn't feel anything and that he wasn't worth it. Damn his insecurities. He was worth it and that was part of the problem. I almost was willing to sacrifice my dreams for him and I knew I couldn't do that. Definitely not. I've wanted it to for too long, even before I met him.
He walked right past me as if I wasn't even there and he headed for the door. He looked back at me, gave me one last glance before he was out the door. After the door slammed, I almost broke into tears. I wouldn't be some silly little faggot. I got up, gathered my things, set the alarm and said a silent goodbye to the loft and closed the door behind me.
