Anders woke in a soft warm bed in a room lit only with firelight. He heard voices and realised Fenris and Zevran were talking softly. He lay silently; listening until he drifted, their words becoming the tapestry of his dreams.
He was walking the corridors of Vigil's Keep searching for Aedan. He called out for his friend and Commander time and time again, but there was only silence to answer him. He made his way to the great hall, pausing in the doorway. Aedan was sitting on the chair at the far end of the room, Zevran to his right and Fenris to his left.
"He is weak." Zevran whispered in his soft purr.
Aedan sighed and nodded. "Come forward Anders."
Anders glanced around uneasily, slowly moving forward his eyes resting on Fenris. There was no warmth to his eyes; his frame was tense, his air hostile. "What's going on?" He whispered.
Aedan stood and closed the distance between them. He gently cupped Anders cheek pressing their foreheads together. "Why did you do it Anders? Why didn't you come to me? Why did you take that damn spirit into yourself?"
Anders lip trembled, aching as Aedan's hand slipped to his neck. "I wanted to help my friend. He would have died. Or at least I thought he would ...I ..."
"Anders you blew up a damn Chantry!"
Anders eyes widened and he raised his head sinking into honey eyes that held only pain and disappointment. "No! That … I didn't … I wouldn't …" His thoughts fell into chaos; Justice had proposed it but he had refused, he wouldn't kill to bring change, he was a healer, not a murderer. He knew he had been blacking out, had it happened then? Was Justice taking over him in those moments? He looked to Aedan in panic.
"But you did! I would never give you to the Templars brother I know what they put you through; but you have to pay for your crime, this is the only way. Forgive me Anders. "
Anders stared at him uncomprehending before the pain tore into his body as the blade sank into his flesh. He screamed, struggling as Zevran and Fenris held him down. They were urging him to be quiet and calm, but fire burned through his body. He smelt blood in the air, then a coldness clinging to him dragging him down. The room began to spin, suddenly the only thing he was aware of was Fenris gripping him tightly.
"Anders hold on. Damn it Zevran why is he bleeding so much?"
Zevran's voice floated to Anders sounding distant; a whisper only, tinged with a panic he did not associate with the assassin. He wanted to tell Fenris it was okay; that Justice was quiet here, that there was peace despite the pain, but his lips wouldn't move and as Fenris began to fade Anders wondered if the Maker would forgive him.
xXx
Fenris felt the panic race through his body as Zevran tended to the wound. Anders had been struggling in his sleep and some of the stitching had burst. Zevran worked quickly to close the wound; his usual air of calm confidence wavering at Anders almost grey complexion, at his struggles to breathe and the terror on Fenris's face. Anders was burning with fever, his struggling ceasing as his strength waned. They watched him through the night; administering healing potions, pressing tepid cloths to his fevered skin and coaxing drops of water passed his unresponsive lips.
Fenris paced, threatening death for the Knight Commander if Anders died.
Zevran did his best to soothe him; coaxing him to lie next to Anders as the mage began to shiver, moving to the fire adding another log to give Fenris some privacy
Fenris stretched out on the bed wrapping a blanket around them both gently stroking Anders hair refusing to give into the panic tearing into him, Anders needed him and he would not fail him. His words were spoken softly. "Anders you know it has never been easy for me to acknowledge my feelings, but I swear you will never again doubt how much you mean to me." He swallowed painfully as Anders gave a whimper of pain. "You think it is me watching over you; but you have saved me more times than I can count, from my anger, from my need for vengeance, from my pride. I would be lost without you Anders." He pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. "I love you." He whispered, entwining their fingers. "Forgive me for not having said it before."
Zevran was no stranger to loss; yet this was shockingly painful, his mind filled with regret that he had not moved swifter, that he had kept his distance from the mage. He did something he had not done in a long time, he silently prayed to the Maker that he would be given the opportunity to get to know Anders for himself. He was drawn from his thoughts by Fenris calling to him.
"He's freezing." Fenris muttered gently rubbing Anders arms trying to coax some warmth back into them. He glanced at Zevran startled as he stripped to his smalls and got into the other side of the bed. There was no flirtatious grin; no smirk or playful wink, only concern and determination. They nestled into Anders, Zevran careful to cause no further harm to the wound. Slowly warmth began to return to Anders trembling limbs. Fenris swallowed painfully. "Thank you Zevran, for helping him and for staying."
Zevran finally allowed a smile to drift over his lips. "How could I miss the opportunity of being in bed with two such handsome men?"
Fenris rolled his eyes but smiled. "How indeed." He glanced to Anders as he cried out to Aedan before falling silent. He turned back to Zevran. "Will you tell me of Aedan? Anders rarely mentions his time with the Wardens; it seems to hold deep pain for him."
Zevran allowed a wistful smile. "Ah; to tell of the Commander would likely take a lifetime. He is a man of great strength, courage and integrity. He would lay down his life to save a friend." He glanced to Anders sadness in his eyes. "Or risk everything to save a friendship. In that Aedan and Anders are very alike. I came to the Free Marches in my search for Anders four years ago, I return each year to ensure his health and safety. This time I was waylaid by Nuncio and his fools." He smiled at Fenris's alarmed look. "Anders is greatly missed my friend, not just by the Commander but by his fellow Wardens. They seek his safe return, but not by force. They respect his choice; but each year he appears to struggle more and so this time Aedan requested I stay if I could, to perhaps persuade him to come back."
Fenris shifted slightly. "While Justice is within him he will never be safe. Why have you not said anything before now? Why do this these past years for a man you do not know?"
Zevran smiled. "I do it for a friendship I would give my life for. As for why I said nothing Anders seemed to wish to keep distance between us. I thought it best to wait, give him a chance to come to know me in person. I knew Aedan spoke of me to Anders and we thought that in itself would make him wary of me, it seems we were in part correct. As for his situation … Aedan seeks a way to change it, to free Anders from this possession."
Fenris raised an eyebrow. "I thought only death could free a spirit from its host."
"Perhaps. Aedan knows a woman who might be able to help, a mage herself and a powerful one."
"She will help?"
Zevran gave a slight shrug. "One never knows with Morrigan, she is a fickle creature, as elusive as she is beautiful. He risks much pain in seeking her out. Their parting was … difficult."
"But he would do this for Anders?"
"He would. Anders is as much a brother to him as if they were flesh and blood. He was devastated when he left."
Fenris sighed and gazed at Anders. "He thinks himself alone, my poor foolish Anders."
Zevran smiled. "Then we shall have to change that my friend."
xXx
Anders recovery was slow, complicated by severe blood loss and the magebane that took some time to leave his system. He was initially embarrassed having to accept help with the smallest task of self-care; despite having been on the other side more times than he could count, but he hated feeling weak and helpless. He was startled by the kindness shown by Zevran and Fenris's unwavering patience. He had been stunned to wake that first morning to both elves practically naked and wrapped around him; almost chuckling at Fenris's embarrassed explanation, catching Zevran's teasing smirk and feeling overwhelmingly grateful to them both.
Neither Zevran nor Fenris spoke to Anders of Aedan's search to free him from Justice; not wanting to raise his hopes, or incite him to run, uncertain of how much hold Justice truly had over him.
Varric visited, so too did Isabela entertaining Anders with tales of her exploits with Zevran and her meeting with the Hero of Ferelden. Aveline also made an appearance to assure them the bodies of the Templars had been dealt with, but also to remind Anders he would need to be careful. Hawke visited bringing food; wine and a deck of cards, the four men playing Wicked Grace until Anders could stay awake no longer and retreated to bed encouraging the others to finish their game, mumbling sleepily that their voices helped him to sleep.
xXx
Fenris gently bathed the wound and changed the dressing before pressing a soft kiss to Anders throat, smiling at the happy purr rumbling in his throat. "It seems to finally be starting to heal, I had no idea mage bane could cause such problems."
Anders flushed slightly. "If you get hit with it enough it's like having an allergic reaction. In time it becomes a poison rather than simply a means of debilitation."
Fenris glanced at him uneasily; Anders rarely talked specifically of his own past with the Templars. "You have experienced it before?"
Anders looked away. "The Templars and I didn't see eye to eye."
"And they used this to debilitate you?"
Anders cleared his throat and rose from the chair clutching his side as he moved to the window. "Even when they didn't need to." He whispered.
Fenris clenched his fists; slowly releasing them before he moved to Anders, gently wrapping his arms around his waist. "Anders I …"
"It's okay Fenris, let's not talk about this I'm too tired to argue."
Frowning Fenris pressed his lips to his ear. "Why would we argue?"
Anders turned and gave him an incredulous look. "Because we always argue when conversations involve Templars."
Fenris sighed. "I suppose that is true." He pressed a soft kiss to Anders throat. "You feel cold."
Anders blinked sleepily; he was struggling to stay warm and he was exhausted, but he didn't want to worry Fenris more than he was. "Maybe I'll just snuggle under the blankets for a while." Anders was grateful when Fenris joined him in bed. Compared to himself, Fenris felt like a furnace and he craved the heat. They lay together in comfortable silence, Anders starting to doze when Fenris gave a deep sigh.
"I cannot stop thinking about what would have happened if Zevran had not been in Darktown." Fenris whispered, nuzzling into his neck.
Anders was deeply grateful to Zevran, but he still didn't quite believe there was nothing between him and Fenris. It pulled at him like his wound. The magebane had kept his magic at bay, but it had also kept Justice quiet. With its influence reduced Justice was reasserting himself and with it Anders insecurities and fears were increasing as Justice seeded doubts in his mind. He lay facing the wall; Fenris pressed against his back his hand resting on his leg to avoid the wound. "Fenris will you be honest with me about something?"
"Of course."
"You like Zevran don't you?"
"Of course I like him."
Anders felt the pain hit his heart and he closed his eyes, biting his lip. "He's a good man."
"Yes he is." Fenris felt his tension and groaned. "Anders I like him as a friend."
Anders turned over wincing in pain. "It's okay Fenris, please I just need you to be honest with me."
Fenris held onto his temper and gently cupped Anders cheek. "I like Zevran; I am comfortable with him and yes he is attractive, but I am with you! I love you."
Anders shook his head. "Fenris I've seen the way you look at each other. I understand, truly I do. I'm going to go back to the clinic I can't … it hurts too much to know I can't make you happy like he does. It was never going to last between us; it was a foolish wish, a dream." He pressed a soft kiss to Fenris's cheek, the ache of his heart increasing. "I'll heal, I'm not your responsibility."
Fenris stared at him startled. "Anders what in the Void?"
"Damn it Fenris I am trying to make this easy!" Anders eased out of the bed. "Just be with Zevran, he makes you happy. There's no complication of mages and spirits." He glanced to the warrior. "I want you to be happy Fenris, more than I want to be happy myself."
Fenris could contain his anger no longer. It was not that Anders was accusing him of being unfaithful; or that he was being so bloody self-sacrificing, the stinging point was he had been going to leave and that had been slowly destroying him.
Anders tensed as Fenris's lyrium brands flared and he was shoved back against the wall trying not to let Fenris see how much it hurt.
"You were just going to leave!" Fenris snarled. "No goodbye, no note! Do you have any idea what that would have done to me and don't you dare say I would have Zevran. Understand this once and for all, there is nothing going on with me and Zevran!"
Anders felt a rush of nausea remaining silent as he tried to control the urge to vomit.
"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised." Fenris continued to rant keeping Anders pinned to the wall. "You ran from the Circle. You ran from the Wardens. I suppose it was inevitable you would run from me! Zevran's just an excuse isn't he! Have you simply tired of me? Maybe it's time for you to be honest!"
Anders swallowed with difficulty, his body trembling. He couldn't speak, the pain taking his breath from him.
"Nothing!" Fenris snarled. "Damn you Anders you're not even denying it." Fenris pulled away. "Do as you please." He hissed. "Stay or go I'm done caring!"
Anders watched as he left the room, hearing the door close. He slumped against the wall before collapsing to his knees breathing hard. It had been a long time since Fenris had shown such anger at him, he had almost forgotten how terrifying he could be. He shrugged off the blanket wincing at the blood on his tunic. He forced himself back to his feet moving into the bathroom. He tried to manifest his magic; it was barely a trickle, but it was enough to stop the bleeding. Anders leant over the wash basin sighing in frustration he was ruining everything. He imagined a life without Fenris and felt the tears burn. He closed his eyes wondering if he could simply ignore the looks between them, be blind to the obvious affection. He gritted his teeth as Justice reminded him love was a waste of time and he had work to do. "Please be quiet." Anders whispered clutching his forehead. "Please just leave me alone Justice I can't … I can't take any more." His body shuddered as he fought against him. "Leave me alone!" He screamed as Justice's whispers continued. "Please." He gasped sinking to his knees. "Please leave me alone. Please. Please." His pleading falling to silence as he lost consciousness.
xXx
Anders woke shivering on the cold floor. Each movement as he forced himself to his knees bringing pain. He gave a snarl of frustration realising the wound had been bleeding again.
"Will you let me help?"
Anders turned startled to see Fenris in the doorway, regret and guilt in his eyes. He nodded not trusting himself to speak. He realised he was trembling as Fenris gently cleaned the wound once more and applied a new dressing.
Fenris gently turned Anders to face him pressing his forehead to his. "Forgive me please, I … I do care, more than you seem to realise." He pulled back. "May we speak; I swear I will keep my temper under control."
Anders nodded as he shivered, Fenris helping him to his feet. "Can we sit I feel shaky?"
They sat by the fire, Fenris rubbing his hands in agitation. "Anders I have little knowledge of my life before these brands, if I loved I do not remember it. I felt only hate and anger and pain and then Hawke asked me to watch over you knowing how much that damn spirit torments you. I hated you I made no secret of it; you are a mage everything I had come to hate, but little by little I saw the man you are until the fact you were a mage was only a small part of you." Fenris knelt beside him and took his hands alarmed by how cold he was. "Anders listen to me; I love you. I want to be with you, not out of guilt, or duty or obligation. My life would be empty without you. Please I will do whatever it takes to prove I love you and only you."
Anders sighed; even now he wasn't sure he could tell Fenris that he loved him too. He forced himself to look at Fenris, those beautiful green eyes gleaming with unshed tears. Anders gently cupped his cheek pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "When I heard Hawke ask you to watch over me I didn't mind, because it meant spending more time with you." Anders gave a soft laugh. "Maker even when I hated you I lo …" He looked away feeling the tears slip down his cheeks. "In the Circle you are taught not to love, to hide your feelings because it will only get you and the other person hurt. Then I met you and I wanted you to see beyond Justice, beyond me being a mage. I wanted your friendship, but you gave me so much more. I … I feel jealous only because I know in my heart Zevran would be better for you than me. " He glanced to Fenris startled to see tears slipping down his cheeks. He gently caught one with his thumb ignoring his own tears. "I will only hurt you." He whispered his heart breaking.
Fenris gripped his hands rising slightly so they were eye level. "Surely that is my risk to take."
Anders shook his head. "I couldn't bear it if I hurt you Fenris, I … I love you too much."
Fenris felt as though the smile on his face lit his whole body, to finally hear those words from Anders lips was all he wanted. "I choose us, I choose our love over any risk."
Anders sank into his embrace ignoring Justice's spiteful murmurings. "I'm so tired Fenris. Tired of fighting, tired of running. I just want peace."
Fenris held him close. "I will find a way to free you my love, I swear it."
