For a long moment Bella just stood there, staring at the closed door and trying to make sense of the crazy conversation she'd just had. She tried to rationalize what Billy had been saying. Could Jake have lied, told his father he was getting married because he wanted to leave? That seemed pretty out there. And what about school? What about the other wolves? Was he just going to leave them, after everything? What about the way he'd been acting toward her, the care he'd shown her, their near-kiss in the kitchen? Could she really believe he had been seeing some girl on the side all that time? No. It wasn't possible. It made no sense at all.
Bella took a deep breath. She couldn't let this go. She knew Billy would be waiting for her to leave, but she just had to understand what was happening. She stepped back from the door a little in case he was still right inside, and dialed Jacob's number, hoping that for once he might pick up, considering he probably knew she was standing in his driveway right now. Maybe he'd even heard the whole conversation.
But it rang and rang, and there was no answer. Bella hung up the phone and shoved it into her pocket angrily, looking back at the closed door. She had barged into this house once, shoving past Billy to find Jacob because she had had to know what was going on with him. Actually opening the door and going in was a bit more daunting to her, and she knew she would be doubly grounded after this- there was no way Billy wouldn't tell her father she'd been here, let alone that she'd broken into the house. But what if it was true? What if Jacob really was leaving La Push? For a marriage… or for something else? She couldn't let him go without talking to him. The idea of that physically hurt her.
She put her hand on the doorknob and took a deep breath, searching inside herself for the bravery this would take. But then she drew back; the house was small, and had an open floor plan- the kitchen flowed into the living room and Jacob's room opened off that; there was no way she could make it unless Billy had for some reason gone to his own bedroom, and she knew how unlikely that was. Instead she crept around the house, crouching low as she passed the kitchen window and then turning the corner to pass the living room window, knowing Jake's would be next. She glanced inside, but then froze.
Billy was in the living room, only he wasn't alone. There were two people seated on the small couch opposite him, and neither one was Jacob. One was a young man, perhaps in his mid-twenties, and whatever he and Billy were discussing he obviously took very seriously. Next to him was a young woman, closer to Bella's age than the man, but still at least three or four years older than Jacob. Was this who he was supposedly marrying? Bella had never seen her before. She didn't know every girl on the Rez by any stretch of the imagination, but something about this young woman said she was definitely not from here. Is this why Jake was leaving?
Her face was open and inviting, her hair hung in straight glossy waves of dark brown reaching nearly to her waist, and her lips were unusual in the way that her upper lip was fuller than her lower. Her eyes were warm chocolate, begging you to fall into them, and her skin was a deep russet brown, enhanced by the simple dress of forest green that she was wearing. Her face needed no makeup to underline her beauty, so she wore none; Bella stared at her for a long moment, wondering how Jake knew her, how long this had been going on, and why he'd never told her. She hesitated, unsure as to whether she really wanted those answers… what if Jacob was someone she'd never imagined? What if he and this girl had been romancing each other all year, and Bella was some side project? Not that she wanted Jacob like that; she had Edward. But still, the idea hurt her more deeply than she would have thought.
The two men were still engaged in conversation when the young woman inside the house lifted her chin as though she heard a noise, but Bella knew she had made no sound. Still, the girl swiveled her head just slightly, and suddenly their eyes met. The girl smiled, seeming almost amused that Bella was there outside the window, but Bella quickly ducked down lower, flattening herself against the wooden slats of the house, already trying to figure out a way out of this and back to her truck before the girl could tell Billy she was there.
But then she realized nothing had happened. Tentatively, she raised her head ever so slightly above the sill of the window. The girl was still staring at her, still smiling, as though she'd been waiting for her to do that, but she obviously hadn't alerted either of her companions to Bella's presence. Bella didn't wait around to find out why; as quietly as she could she crept the rest of the distance to Jacob's room and stood up outside his window.
For a moment she didn't even knock on the glass, she just watched him. It was true what Billy had said- he was packing. Only he wasn't just throwing some clothes and a toothbrush into a suitcase. Every belonging he had was being carefully placed into boxes, and the room was already half-bare. Bella's heart sank- it was true, then. He was leaving La Push, leaving her- maybe forever.
She couldn't stand this. She had to know. Raising her hand, not caring if Billy or the two strangers in the living room overheard her, she rapped the backs of her fingers three times on Jacob's window.
His head snapped up and he froze. The pain must have been evident on her face, because he swallowed, glancing away for her as though guilty. They stood there for a moment, just staring at each other, two panes of glass the only thing separating them. Finally he set down the box he was holding and turned away from her, going and unlocking the door that led off his room onto the house's small deck. She went around and met him there, expecting him to invite her in, but he stepped outside instead, shutting the door behind him.
"So what, I can't even come into your room now?" she asked, visibly stung by his actions.
He sighed. "My dad's with some people and the walls are thin. They could overhear us."
"Some people," she repeated, not really able to look at him, backing up against the post at the edge of the railing. "You mean your fiancée."
She looked up in time to see his lips curl in a tiny smile, and then his jaw tightened a little as it faded. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"No? Your dad said you're getting married. So who is she? Why didn't you tell me about her?" When he didn't answer she crossed her arms over her chest, hugging herself to combat more than just the chill. "She's pretty."
"Bella…" He looked pained. He looked like how he'd looked when he'd wanted so badly to explain the werewolf thing to her, but he couldn't. It gave her a little flutter of hope.
"Is this a wolf thing?" she asked. "Is Sam… forcing you marry her or something?"
He let out a breath of obvious frustration. "This isn't because of Sam," he answered. "He's as unhappy about this as anyone." He looked at her, searching her eyes for a long moment. "This is my decision."
"Your… wow. Okay." She tried to laugh it off, but it came out hollow. "So you've had some secret girlfriend all this time? Or did you just pick her out yesterday?"
"So it's okay for you to get married but not me is that it?" he snapped, losing patience with her.
She didn't say anything for a long moment. "I didn't- I'm sorry I left that on your voicemail. It wasn't fair. But this- Jake, this doesn't make any sense. Edward and I have been together for a while, and you- this girl… have you been with her all this time?"
Jacob let out a strangled laugh. "The time Edward was gone from Forks was longer than your entire relationship, Bella. You want to tell me how marrying him makes any more sense than this?"
Bella opened and closed her mouth a couple of times. "Edward and I… we…" She trailed off and shook her head; he was right, of course, she couldn't deny the math, but it didn't feel that way to her. Why didn't it?
"He has some power over you," Jacob said with obvious disgust. "I don't know what it is… I wish I did."
"So what, you're getting married because of me?" she asked softly, hardly able to look at him. But when she felt his eyes on her, she lifted her own to meet his. His eyes were always warm when they looked at her, even when he was angry, even if his body was profoundly different. Was she never going to see those eyes again?
"It's complicated," he answered vaguely.
"More complicated than being a werewolf?" she challenged.
He smiled a little. "Yes. In a way."
"Jake, enough with the cryptic. Just tell me. Please. You can't leave like this… I have to know what's going on."
"Come here," he said suddenly, and opened his arms to her. She stepped into his embrace, letting him wrap himself around her and hold her close. She felt the warmth of his skin, heard his strong heartbeat, felt the rise and fall of his chest. "This isn't because of you," he said softly into her hair. "This is something that came before you, and I might have agreed to it in part because I realized I can never have you, but you aren't the reason it's happening." He always told her the truth, even if it was hard for her to hear, even if it made her uncomfortable. Only for once his honesty about his feelings for her made her feel safe and cared about, rather than skittish and scared. But his answer was still pretty cryptic, and she was no less confused. She felt a hesitation in his body as though he wanted to say more, so she waited. Finally he said almost under his breath, "And the idea of you being one of them… and what I would have to do to you… I couldn't live with that. I can't."
Bella closed her eyes for a moment, shying away from his words. "So that's it?" she asked, laying her cheek against his chest. "You're just leaving La Push for some girl? Leaving school, and your dad, and the pack?" She could hardly believe it.
"It's complicated," he answered firmly.
"Try me," she said, trying to keep her voice light, but some of the urgency slipped through. "I'm not as delicate or as stupid as everyone thinks." She was getting tired of people always protecting her from truths she felt she had a right to know.
Jake pulled back from their embrace enough to look her in the eyes. "I don't think you're stupid," he said sincerely. "Or delicate. I just don't think you'd understand. You're…" he trailed off uncertainly.
It dawned on her what he was trying to say. "What, white?" she asked with a little laugh, but when he didn't even smile she knew she'd hit the nail on the head. "So this is some kind of native thing a paleface like me could never comprehend?" she said sadly.
"Comprehend maybe," he said in the gentlest tone he'd ever used with her. He smoothed the hair back from her face. "But accept… no. I don't think so."
She closed her eyes, tightening her grip on him as though she could hold him there forever and stop this from happening, even if she didn't understand exactly why she wanted to stop it. She just wanted to keep him with her. "When do you have to leave?"
"Tomorrow," he answered softly. "At dawn."
Bella inhaled sharply; that was so soon. "I thought you might come to my wedding…"
"You know I couldn't do that," he answered, tucking her head under his chin again. "Would you come to mine?"
She forced herself to tell him the truth, since he always did that for her. "Yes," she answered honestly. "It would be really hard for me. But I'd want to be there."
He smiled sadly at her, and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "I wish you could," he said, pulling back abruptly from their embrace. Her arms felt robbed. "You should go, Bella. I'm really glad you came here."
"Can you promise me something?" she asked, looking into his eyes, hoping he wouldn't see the desperation there, yet part of her hoping he would.
"What is it?"
"Can you… will you promise to call me? Tomorrow? Or if I call you, will you promise to pick up? I'll call early- before dawn. I just want to say goodbye… before…" She felt tears filling her eyes and she looked away from them, trying to blink them back, but a few squeezed out. Jacob reached out and took her hand, turning her around to face him. He cradled her face in both his hands, tipping it up so she would have to look at him, as he wiped her tears away with the pads of his thumbs. In his eyes she thought she saw a sadness that matched her own, but where hers were wet his were dry.
"I'll do you one better," he said softly. "Leave your window open. I'll come to you there before sunrise, and we'll have a proper goodbye."
She stared at him, wondering if she was reading too much into his words, because she felt like there was a double meaning there. But she just nodded wordlessly, and he dropped his hands from her face.
"Then I'll see you in the morning," she said softly, and took a step off the deck and into the yard. She turned back to him, hesitating for a moment. "Don't forget."
He grinned a little. "I won't."
Bella felt herself blushing, but she had to force herself to walk away from him, back around the front of the house, past the empty bedrooms belonging to Billy and his two daughters, who'd left the Rez soon after their mother's fatal car accident. She ducked to go under the front window of the living room, resisting her desire to take one last look at Jake's fiancée, if only from the back. Once she was sitting in the driver's seat of her truck again, she knew there would be no way she could start the engine and drive away without Billy noticing, but she figured he must have known she was talking to Jacob, and he couldn't do much to her now except call Charlie to ground her further. But she didn't care about that. Grounding meant she had to stay in her room, and that was exactly where she wanted to be tomorrow morning.
After she got back from Jacob's, the evening dragged on. She tried to distract herself with television, homework, dinner, and idle conversation with Charlie, but none of it worked. The minutes seemed to inch by, and when it was finally late enough for her to go to bed, she just lay there, tossing and turning, unable to relax. It was like Christmas Eve, the anticipation of the morning and wanting it to arrive quickly staving off the one thing that could make that happen- sleep. But there was a part of her that didn't want this morning to come, either, because she knew it meant saying goodbye to Jake, possibly forever, and she couldn't stand that thought.
There was a knock at her door around one in the morning. "Come in."
Charlie stood in the doorway, looking concerned. She had caused him so many sleepless nights these last few months, and she wished he hadn't had to worry so much. Now his forehead was creased with that worry again. "Nightmare?" he asked.
"No," she said quickly. "Just having trouble getting comfortable."
He looked relieved. "Okay," he said. "Well I'm right down the hall if you need anything."
"Right," she said with a small, embarrassed smile. "I'm eighteen, not eight, remember?"
"Yeah, but I'm still here for you," he answered. "Always will be." He tapped his hand on the door a couple of times and then closed it again. She inhaled deeply, letting her breath out slowly, trying to relax. She tried to resist the urge to keep glancing at the clock, but when three o'clock rolled around and she was still breathing deeply, trying to sleep, it was starting to seem pretty hopeless.
Suddenly, Edward was standing at the foot of her bed, and she jumped.
"Sorry," he said, coming to sit on the edge of her bed. "I thought you were sleeping."
"No," she answered, letting out a huff of frustration. "Just trying really hard."
"You don't have to be afraid anymore, Bella."
"I'm not," she said quickly. "Just… restless. Really." He looked like he didn't really believe her, and she frowned. She knew she'd been a pain this year but really, couldn't a girl have insomnia without everyone getting paranoid? Edward took her hand, holding it gently in his icy grip.
"You can sleep now," he said softly. "I'll stay. No more nightmares."
Bella shook her head. "No, I wasn't having a nightmare… I just can't sleep. You don't have to stay, it's fine." She had wished for months that he would appear at her bedside, and even after they'd come back from Italy and he'd promised not to leave again, she'd find herself waking up several times during the night to make sure he was still there on the nights he visited her. This was the first time she'd ever told him to go, but she didn't want him here when Jacob showed up. There was no way that could end well.
Edward looked confused by her words. "Bella, what's going on?"
"Nothing," she answered quickly. "It's nothing… just… Charlie, you know? Like you said, he's not going to forgive you easily. And if you really want me to think about marrying you, then I don't want the two of you fighting." She talked quickly, to cover up the real reason she didn't want him here, but she could tell he wasn't buying it.
"Charlie will never know I'm here," he reminded her with a wry smile, but she could see something else in his expression- confusion, suspicion. She felt bad for lying to him, but she knew if she told him about Jake then there was no way he was going anywhere, and that was not the kind of goodbye she wanted with her best friend.
"I know," she said firmly. "But I don't like sneaking around… I feel really bad about that. He really worries about me… you know? And I think if you were really going to be his son-in-law then you should respect his rules a bit more, you know?" Quickly she added, "We both should. Especially me."
"Okay, Bella," Edward answered, a little stiffly but still with that small smile he reserved just for her. "As you wish." She felt bad using this marriage thing against him when she still really didn't think it was for her, but she would never forgive herself if Jacob left angry and it was the last time she ever saw him. Edward stood, but he hesitated, as though trying to decide whether to tell her something.
"What is it?" she asked him, glancing at the clock- 3:30am; still time.
Again he hesitated, but he sat back down next to her again so she knew he was going to tell her whatever was on his mind. Still, he seemed to struggle with what exactly he wanted to say for a long moment before he finally spoke. "You never got to the end of your birthday party," he said, surprising her. "You never got all your presents."
"Oh. Yeah… no, that's okay, Edward, you didn't have to get me anything. Really."
"I didn't," he said with a small smile. "Remember? You told me not to. But I couldn't stop my family." She smiled, knowing that was true. "But you didn't get a chance to open the present from my parents." He pulled an envelope form the inside of his pocket and handed it to her. She saw her name on the front, written in a ladylike script that must have belonged to Esme.
"Thanks, Edward," she said with a smile, relieved that this was his only agenda. "But why don't I wait until the next time I'm at your place? My mom says half the fun in giving a gift is seeing the other person open it."
Edward smiled. "They already said it was okay for you to open it now," he promised. "Besides, I think your mom would approve of this particular gift."
Her brow wrinkled in confusion but she smiled a little, curious now. She tucked her finger into one side of the flap, ready to rip it open, then thought better of it, not wanting to risk another paper cut fiasco. Instead she held the envelope up to the light and shook it, letting its contents settle to one end as she ripped off the other. She pulled out the papers inside and realized she was holding two plane tickets. "Oh," she said with surprise.
"I know, it's a bit anticlimactic now that we've already been on a plane ride together this week," he said apologetically.
"Yeah, that really wasn't a trip where I exactly got to enjoy myself," she reminded him dryly. "But what…" She opened the tickets, examining the destination on them: Florida. She looked at Edward in surprise, and he took the tickets from her.
"I thought- and my parents thought- that it would be nice if the two of us could get away. Spend some time together… the last time I met your mother it wasn't under the best circumstances. I'd like to get to know her better."
Bella smiled, genuinely touched by the offer. "That's so nice, Edward. I'm sure she'd like that… I miss her. It's been so long since I've seen her. Maybe after graduation we could go."
"I was actually thinking maybe we could go a little sooner. The weather is supposed to be overcast this weekend… that's a rare thing in Florida, or so I'm told." He smiled, but Bella's face fell.
"This weekend?" she repeated. "Um… wow. That's pretty soon right? What's the rush?"
"Nothing at all," Edward answered, but a small muscle twitched in his face that made her suspect he was lying.
"Okay… I'll think about it."
"Say you'll go," he said, his gold eyes locking onto hers insistently. "Please." His urgency unnerved her, but then his tone lightened. "It'll be fun. I promise."
"I'll totally think about it," she promised, but he didn't seem satisfied with that answer, even though he dropped the subject.
He kissed her cheek gently. "Well… I guess I'll get going then. Goodnight, Bella."
"Goodnight, Edward," she answered, smiling at him. He went to the window, and glanced back at her.
"You left this open," he said with a frown. "I'll close it for you. You never know what kinds of things can get in." He stepped out of the window and closed it, and then he vanished. Bella looked down at the tickets in her hand. She tucked them safely into the drawer of her nightstand and lay back in bed, considering his offer. If Jacob was really going to be gone, a trip to see her mom might be just the kind of distraction she needed. But she knew Edward wasn't telling her everything. He was holding back, and that made her want to say no. If she took him to meet her mother, she wanted him to be going for that reason, not for some agenda he didn't think she was mature enough to handle.
Bella pushed off her blankets and went to the window, scanning her yard to make sure Edward wasn't hanging around to keep an eye on her. She didn't see him, so she took hold of the window frame and pulled it upward, leaving it ajar once more as Jacob had asked her to before climbing back under the blankets. She let out a long sigh, closing her eyes, trying to will her body and her mind to shut down long enough to get some semblance of rest.
She only realized that she'd fallen asleep when she woke up again, to the sound of a warm, familiar voice calling her name. "Bella… Bella…" She opened her eyes and saw Jacob standing at the foot of her bed. She looked at the clock: 4:48am. Sunrise was at least an hour away.
Pushing off the blankets, she shook her head, trying to rid herself of the groggy feeling of having not slept nearly long enough. Jacob smiled at her as she stood, self-consciously adjusting her pajamas, and went to him. "You came."
"I said I would," he answered.
She was suddenly overcome with the fear that she was really losing him, here and now, and there was nothing she could do. She reached out and laid her fingertips tentatively on his arm. "I wish I could… tie you up," she blurted, and then blushed. "That came out wrong…"
"I know what you meant," he answered, and he seemed to hesitate. "Bella… I want us to say goodbye and part ways as friends."
She nodded. "Yeah, absolutely, I want that too."
"But I have to say something," he said firmly. "It's about the Cullens."
"Jacob-"
"No, please. Let me. I need to say this because if I don't I'll regret it. And I don't want to have any more regrets about you." Her heart fluttered a little at that, but she made an internal vow that she would let him finish. He went on, "I feel like I'm leaving you to the mercy of the bloodsuckers. And I'm not just talking about the Cullens- I'm talking about that redheaded witch too… and about your decision to try and become one of them. I don't want you to get hurt. I know it's your choice, and I know I have no right to try and control you. But Bella… please… think about the choices you're making. You know once I'm gone there will be no one to protect you from the other wolves if you decide to do this." He looked at her, his expression a mixture of sadness but also resignation, as though he knew the words he spoke were futile, and he was just saying his lines. "Bella, I don't want you to die. The idea kills me. I know you think this is what you want, but what if you're wrong? I know you think he's the only person you could ever love, but Bella, even your life as it is now is long… people don't usually find their soulmates at seventeen. Even if they think they have. What if you're wrong and he leaves you? What if you're alone, dead, a vampire, with no one to love you or keep you safe?" The idea seemed to visibly hurt him, and he closed his eyes for a moment before continuing. "I'm not saying you should be with me," he said gently. "Even if that's what part of me thinks. But what I'm saying is that you're alive, Bella. You're alive and that's what you should be. I'm your friend. I care about you. But I couldn't watch you kill yourself. I won't."
"I understand," she answered softly. "I do. It's hard to explain. My feelings? They're real. I know they are."
He gazed at her sadly for a long moment. "I believe you think that," he said. "And part of me hopes you're right. I want you to be happy, Bella. Even if that means you aren't with me."
"And even if it means I'm a vampire?" she asked tentatively.
His jaw tightened, and he reached for her hand, pulling her close and pressing her palm over his heart. "How would you feel, if this stopped beating?" he asked softly. "Would that be something you'd want for me?"
"No," she answered quickly, listening to the strong, steady beats, feeling them ever so slightly with her fingertips, through the warmth of his skin. Edward had none of those qualities; she could see why Jacob couldn't understand why she wanted this. "But Jake, it's not their fault that they're dead."
"No," Jacob agreed. "But if you choose it, then Bella it would be your fault." She looked away, unable to argue. He touched her face, pulling it back around so she could look at him. There was no anger in his eyes, only a deep sorrow. "Do you remember that day you jumped into the sea, and I pulled you out?"
"Of course…"
"Remember the way your heart pounded against your chest, the fear that gripped you as the waves rolled in, the way you gasped for breath, the euphoria when you finally realized you'd be okay? That's life, Bella. I don't understand how you can want to give all that up. I'll never understand that."
"I…" She trailed off, thinking of all the feelings he'd described. "I don't, Jake. I don't want to give that up."
He looked genuinely surprised. "Then why?"
"It's not that I want to die. I don't. I want to live. But if I live, I can't be with Edward- not really. I would keep getting older, and he wouldn't. He'd just stay the same. The only way to stop that is if he changes me."
Jacob looked stricken by her words, and he pulled her quickly into his arms. "Bella," he whispered. "That's the way it's supposed to be. He's the one that's abnormal, not you. It might not be his fault but you're acting as though there's something wrong with you."
"Well… that's how it feels," she said stubbornly.
Jacob pulled back and threaded his fingers through her hair. "I'm really sorry he makes you feel that way," he said sincerely. "I wish he didn't."
She opened her mouth to protest, but she found she didn't have any words to do so.
"Okay, I've said what I needed to," Jacob said quietly after a long moment of silence, pulling her close again. "Now we don't have to talk about the Cullens anymore."
"Sure," she said with relief, but also with a bit of hesitation, what he'd said still unsettling her. "Thanks." She pulled back from him, keeping hold of his hand and pulling him around to her bed where they could both sit. Trying to push back the turmoil of thoughts and doubts and emotions she was feeling, she asked in a playful tone, "So how mad is Sam?"
"Mad," Jacob answered with a small smile. "But he gets it. He can't argue with destiny, I guess."
"So this is your destiny?" she asked flatly, realizing there was no way anything they talked about tonight would be easy.
"More like… it's her destiny. And I'm caught up in it."
"That girl with your father… what's her name?"
He smiled. "That's not the girl I'm talking about."
She looked at him with surprise. "It's not? Then who is she? And where's your fiancée?"
"It's-"
"Wait, don't tell me," she interrupted. "Complicated, right?"
He smiled sadly at her. "I could tell you everything, and you might even believe me, but it wouldn't change a thing."
She felt suddenly tired, and she leaned into him, letting him put his strong arms around her. It was amazing how soothing something as simple as a heartbeat could be. She hadn't realized that, since Edward was the only person she really ever got this close to, and he didn't have one.
"I came here early so we'd have time," Jacob said softly into her hair. "You look exhausted. I promise I'll wake you up and we'll still have time to say goodbye." She wanted to protest, but his embrace was so warm, his words so sincere, and she believed them instantly. She had no reason to think Jake would run off and leave her, and she was so tired… Bella felt her eyes flutter closed, and just before she drifted completely off to sleep she felt him reposition their bodies, leaning back against her headboard so he could sit a little more comfortably while she slept. She curled into him, resting her head on his chest, letting the steady beat of his heart lull her to sleep.
