Notes: Holy shit, you guys really like cats. Also: for those who don't have them, or those for whom my vocabulary is just retarded, 'murring' refers to that weird growl/purr cross cats will do right before you get a set of claws implanted in your face. I'm pretty sure it's a made-up word, but screw it.
Bones had to go.
It was quite logical. Jim was going to leave because Bones invited him to go somewhere else. If Bones went away, then Jim wouldn't be invited anymore and he would have to stay here, and Spock wouldn't be left behind.
So Bones had to go.
And so the campaign began.
Spock knew how much the little things could irritate humans, and he also was acquainted enough with Bones to know which little things would annoy him. So every time Bones came into the apartment, he would do his utmost to annoy him at the very least, and downright enrage him at the most.
Bones hated cat hair - so Spock took to, quite uncharacteristically, trying to leave as much of his fur as he could all over the man and his possessions. This was easy: rubbing around his ankles when he came into the apartment, walking over him on the couch to reach Jim's lap, or even curling up between the pair of them, and toying with his shoes in the hall.
The shoes were an excellent tool, as he discovered after experimentally shredding the shoelaces. That had enraged one of Jim's previous extras, and, sure enough, Bones went a very odd colour that Spock was sure wasn't healthy for humans. Cats didn't go purple, at any rate, so humans probably shouldn't either.
Socks were good too. Spock was genuinely tempted by socks - Jim walked around barefoot after having learned that one the hard way - but Bones left his socks on. They were just enticing: ill-fitting foot covers that were made of wonderfully shreddable material were just too difficult to ignore. And in Bones' case, Spock didn't even try to ignore them: he would quite contentedly hide under the sofa and catch them (and more often than not, completely destroy them) every time Bones walked past.
Claws had many, many uses.
Often he would catch Bones' foot in the process, and while this had been the primary reason for Spock trying not to attack Jim's socks, it only spurred him on when it came to Bones. (He was also sure the average male voice in humans did not usually hit such a high pitch, but after the first time he caught Bones' ankle with his claws, he decided that he must have been wrong.)
He didn't often actively scratch Bones - to do so upset Jim as well - but he reserved the right if Bones tried to physically remove him from the counters or the bed. Shooing him was one thing, but picking him up was out of order. Only Jim was permitted to pick him up, and any attempt made by Bones resulted in a set of claws (if not more than one set) being buried in his hands.
Bones very quickly stopped trying to handle him.
Then there was the stalking. Spock didn't like utilising the trick, but it was very effective: namely, follow the target everywhere and watch them. For some reason, most humans found this unnerving (with the exception of Jim, who left the bathroom door open when he used the human litter box, and had no such reservations about being stared at).
Bones was not an exception.
Spock discovered it by accident, when he padded into the living room one evening to find them playing some kind of wrestling game where the point seemed to be removing each other's clothing as fast as possible. He had seen the game before, and it was utterly boring, so he sat on the coffee table and groomed himself, content to wait until they had tired themselves out before making Jim aware of the lack of cat food in the kitchen.
Only the game had stopped, and Bones had said, "Jim."
"What?"
"The cat."
"What about him?"
"He's watching us."
"...So?"
"Jim, he's watching us!"
"Yeah, and? He's a cat, not my next door neighbour. What's the problem?"
"I'm not doing this with a cat watching me."
That had been the best thing Bones had ever said, in Spock's opinion. Because Jim liked those wrestling games (why, Spock had no clue) and usually got rid of humans that refused to play them. Some humans seemed to appear only for those wrestling games. And if Bones refused to play in Spock's presence...
He promptly started following Bones everywhere, and quickly learned that Bones liked doing very little with a cat watching him. Up to and including using the human litter box. At which point, he had thrown a shampoo bottle at Spock to get him to leave the bathroom, and Jim had shouted at him.
Unfortunately, that fight hadn't gone anywhere, but Spock was certain that he could provoke more - and did, over the course of the following two weeks.
Spock's favourite trick, however, was to walk between Bones' feet and attempt to trip him up. This trick was also multi-purpose: he used it to steer Jim towards the kitchen at feeding times, or to stop him leaving the apartment at weekends, and he had used it almost invariably on the disliked extra humans, trying to trip them up or even get them to kick him. Jim had always gotten rid of the humans that tried to kick him.
And on Bones, it worked.
Beautifully.
The first time he fell, it was onto the kitchen floor and he got very loud and irritable, and had to go home even though the plan had been for him to stay the night. Spock hoped he would stay away for good after that incident, but two days later, he was back - and glaring at Spock as though he'd figured out what the cat was up to.
Well, good for him.
The second time was ineffective, occuring in the hallway without incident. But the third resulted in a broken glass and a cut hand, which was somewhat satisfying - unfortunately, Jim ended up making a fuss over Bones instead of distancing himself.
"I swear your cat is out to get me," Bones muttered on that occasion, and Jim had chuckled.
"He's a cat. How in the hell is a cat on a hate campaign against you?"
"That one is."
"Of course he is," Jim said, in a way that even Spock recognised as sarcastic.
Spock was annoyed. Despite all his efforts, it wasn't working. He had provoked three arguments, but none of them had resulted in the extra human's disappearance. Even when Bones stood on his tail (which Spock had nothing to do with, because that would be downright masochistic) and Jim had shouted at him and made a fuss of Spock, they hadn't parted ways.
And if he couldn't get rid of Bones...then Bones was going to get rid of him.
