Not Everything on the Telly is Fake...

By Ellf


Chapter Two: Halloween Fic

Disclaimer: I own none of the series in this story

After I had introduced myself to Mr. Giles, he seemed a tad shell shocked. So I let him gather his thoughts while I gathered my own. Inside the library sat a number of ancient books. I could feel their age, along with several psionic auras linked to individual books, but those were nearly drowned out by the psionic aura that came from below here. One of great darkness. The air also tasted of rift energy, indicating that the aura came from a rift below the library. Wonderful. Unfortunately, that had nothing to do with the current situation other than setting. The current situation was this: somehow, Ace, Agent Troy Harding of UNIT, and I had come to occupy the bodies of the persons known as Willow, Xander and Buffy. This was likely linked to the same situation that caused the psionic based mutation of the children outside. Miss Cordelia had not been subject to the same psionic mutation, thus something was different about her. The date was also Halloween.

"So... you're the Doctor then." Mr. Giles spoke up. "Time Lord of Gallifrey, the man who flies around in a blue box known as the TARDIS?"

I nodded. "Quite. Though I am lacking a bit in the masculine persuasion at the moment."

"And she has become Doro-" Mr. Giles began.

"Oi! It's Ace, nothing more than that, Mr. Giles. I don't know how you know that name, but use Ace."

"Right. If I needed any more proof that you weren't Willow that would be it. And Alexander has become an agent of UNIT."

"Yes, sir. Agent Troy Harding, and I'm eager to figure out what's happening so I can return to my team." Agent Harding saluted, and Mr. Giles grimaced. If we were occupying bodies of people he was close to, then his discomfort would make sense.

"And Cordelia tells me that there are a number of little monsters running around outside. The children whom you were escorting appear to have become their costumes, as have you." I liked Mr. Giles. He was clever for a librarian, and there was something more about him. I almost felt like I recognized him. Perhaps that was influence from my host coming through.

"Yes, the children seemed to be infected by some sort of psionic based mutation which a similar energy surrounds myself and the two with me, yet this doesn't surprise you. Cordelia was eager to see you about the situation and she explained it to you in detail which implies that you usually deal with this sort of thing." I figured that I might as well get another piece of the puzzle if Mr. Giles was willing to give it to me. "You are far more than just a librarian."

"Ah, yes. I'm sorry, Doctor, despite the current situation, you look like Buffy. Yes, my name is Rupert Giles, and I am a Watcher. Buffy's Watcher, precisely. "

"And what exactly does a Watcher do? Watch?"

"We guide and train the Vampire Slayer, helping her with her duties to protect the world from the supernatural." Vampires. Rassilon, there were vampires here. It was unlikely that they were related to the Great Vampires, being that Time Lords and the related literature were fictional here, but if they were, something was wrong.

"And, this Buffy who I am supposed to be is the Vampire Slayer."

"Into every generation a slayer is born: one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their number. She is the Slayer." Rupert recited as if rote memory.

"I see." I resolved that if I managed to get access to my TARDIS before this was resolved, I would go and find out more about the Slayer. However, that was not relevant to the situation at hand. "We need to discover why the psionic energy affected the people it did. It didn't affect Cordelia here."

"Quite, I'll consult the books to see if I can find any spells that would cause a situation such as this." Spells. Perhaps this universe was more like the galaxy from where the Carrionites originated. Word based psionic manipulation would be similar to that and could be mistaken for spells by the uninformed. Of course, they could simply be the names used for the phrases used to manipulate the energies.

Ace spoke up then. "Cordelia said that she got her costume at Partytown. Maybe the difference between us and her is that the costumes that brought us here weren't purchased from that store."

"That would make sense, especially as the sonic is showing another source of psionic energy coming from elsewhere in the town, but it is lesser than the one below here." I commented. Ace was clever.

"Th-that would be your sonic screwdriver then?" Rupert seemed to be restraining himself from looking too interested as he stared at the sonic. Apparently he had some interest in it.

"Quite, now, let's operate on the assumption that we got the costumes elsewhere..." I trailed off and then looked at the computer in the room, gesturing at it. "May I?"

I didn't wait for a nod before logging myself on. The computer was from the mid-90s, so the connection wasn't as fast as I would have liked. So I activated setting 54T1 on the sonic and used it on the computer. Now it was just as fast as I wanted, and I was able to do a local search for costume shops. There was Partytown, which is where Cordelia picked up her costume, but there were three other costume shops. "Let's see here, the other possible shops are Halloweenarama, Costumes 4 Me and Ethan's. Oh wait, it appears that two of them were closed this week due to... their owners suffering a fatal case of exsanguination as a result of a barbecue fork accident... Vampires, I take it... leaving the only shop that was open this week to be Ethan's."

I turned toward Rupert to see his eyes narrow and a flash of both anger and recognition appeared in them. He knew something more. "Where is this place? Do you have an address?"

"Yes, not a problem." I wrote it down. "Let's go."

Mr. Giles stood up and grabbed his tweed coat, and I wrapped my scarf around myself as we headed out with the rest of our group. This felt strikingly familiar, and I suspected it was because of the body I occupied at the moment. This Vampire Slayer must have been someone who knew Rupert Giles well.

To occupy myself as we traveled, I first gave the address to Mr. Giles and then decided to speak. "So, obviously you're close to these children whose bodies we're occupying; you said you were this Buffy's watcher. Given the rift beneath the library, I assume that you and they watch over it quite like Torchwood watches over the Cardiff rift in my universe."

"I'm sorry, Torchwood?" Rupert Giles questioned.

"Britain's own alien hunting crew, quite like UNIT only not controlled by the United Nations. They're not exactly the most subtle of people, and I know they've been around for a while. I'm just not all too certain as to when they started up or what they're doing. They're almost like ghosts, but they're there. UNIT has had some issues with them showing up to alien scenes before they did. Given your knowledge of my background, it stands to reason that Torchwood hasn't been mentioned because I haven't had any real confrontations with them. I might in the future or I might not. Ace, have you heard of Torchwood?"

"Just rumors, Professor. Nothing really solid. I do know that they didn't show up to deal with the Daleks who were after the Hand of Omega. At least I think they didn't show up. It was us and a team of-" Ace started to get too detailed. If Daleks were after the Hand of Omega, I'd have to deal with that in due time, but obviously I did deal with it. I cut her off at that point.

"Not too many spoilers, Ace. I don't want to mess up your past which is my future. Anyway, Rupert, it is okay for me to call you Rupert, yes? Rupert, it seems to me like you could use some additional help. Yourself and a group of what, three and a half children? Does not make a fully effective Rift defense team. Especially since there are vampires. Vampires are a nasty sort, and the fact that nights like tonight don't seem like they're fully out of place here means there's something more to this than just the vampires. "

"Yes, well, there are demons who haunt the Hellmouth as well." Rupert started. Demons? Well, with a name like "Hellmouth" for the rift, it didn't seem too unlikely that creatures that at least resembled demons of myth might be around. Plus, there were the psychic mutations that were inflicted onto the children. Some of them did indeed resemble demons of myth.

"Quite. Now you seem to know more about this than you are letting on. When I mentioned the name of the costume shop, you tensed up, and your nostrils flared. You may not be directly involved with the psychic event, but you have a suspicion as to who might be and it angered you. Who might that be? I wonder."

Any further musing was cut off by an attempt to grab me by a lad dressed as a pirate. Normally I would have slipped out of his grasp with ease, but I was unused to the change in size between this and my normal body; it wasn't like a new regeneration where I managed to get most of the motor skills necessary to use it properly, so I just stood there as the foul-smelling ruffian grabbed me. He then went to scoop up Cordelia as well.

"Oh no you don't Larry, I'll..." She was grabbed quickly. "Let me go, Larry!"

"You heard the lady!" Agent Harding stepped up and slammed the butt of his rifle into the pirate's face, forcing him to drop the both of us and then he shot a few rounds off above him, scaring the man off. He offered a hand to Cordelia up. "Are you alright, miss?"

"Yeah..." Cordelia had a bit of a wistful sound to her voice and I helped myself to my feet.

"Well, well, what do we have here? Hello, cutie." A blond man dressed in a red shirt and leather coat stood behind a group of the psychic mutants with a smattering of people who were unaffected. I hesitate to actually use the term people, because it quickly became obvious from their faces that they certainly weren't living humans anymore. No, these were vampires, which implied that the blond leading them was also one. "Look at the group of the Slayer and her crew, all wrapped up nice for me. You shouldn't have."

"Rupert, take Cordelia and get to the costume shop. We'll deal with this group here." I ordered as Ace pulled out her bat and a few canisters that were marked "Nitro-9" of all things. Some sort of explosive if I could trust my nose.

"Are you sure?" Rupert seemed to want to stay.

"Go! You probably stand the best chance of ending this. I'll deal with these people." I gave my best reassuring grin.

"Oh listen to that, the Slayer's talking proper Queen's English. Tonight's just been one neat surprise after another." The blond grinned at me. His hair reminded me a tad of Billy Idol. "Sounds good on you, cutie, but don't think it will prevent me from draining you dry."

Rupert and Cordelia ran, and as the group started to go after them, Ace, Agent Harding and I interposed ourselves. "Agent Harding, while your bullets won't likely do much, feel free to shoot the tall ones with the deformed faces. They're vampires. You, I'll give you one chance to surrender and leave off for tonight. I warn you, I'm a master of Venusian Aikido." At least I was in my last regeneration. In this one, it was far easier just to get a weapon and use it... plus there was the issue of body mass differences which I hadn't accounted for yet.

"And who exactly are you supposed to be, chit? Venusian Aikido... you'd think you were Jon Pertwee or something."

"I am the Doctor." I simply answered as I pulled out the sonic. There was a setting there that should just deafen the vampires which had better hearing than humans, and even Time Lords... or at least I was counting on that.

"Oh, the Doctor! Well that changes everything. You look a bit like Tom Baker's Doctor, I suppose, with the scarf and the hat." His face morphed. "Always wondered what Time Lord blood would taste like. Name's Spike, by the way. Get them! But leave the Doctor for me!"

One of the vampires turned toward Spike with a questioning look on his face. "The Doctor?"

"The sodding Slayer is dressed as the Doctor! Do none of you watch good TV?" Spike shook his head. "Leave the chit for me, deal with her friends."

At that point the group advanced. I adjusted the settings on the Sonic as the group came close faster than I predicted. Luckily Ace was there with her bat. She struck one vampire across the neck and the technology in the bat flared, removing the head of the vampire from its body, which shortly crumbled to dust.

Agent Harding was not inactive either, he kneecapped several of the vampires with his rifle while avoiding hitting the mutated children. The noise from the gunfire seemed to scare them away as I managed to get one last adjustment on the sonic before smiling. I looked toward Spike. "Gotcha!"

I activated the sonic, causing it to let out a high-pitched tone which should have been well within the vampires' hearing range. Their eyes oddly glowed yellow as they held their ears and backed off. "Ace, give me one of those explosives you're carrying!"

The children had mostly been scared off at this point. The explosion should take care of the vampires fine. They weren't psychic mutations, and like their ancestors, they needed to be destroyed. Given time, I'm sure I could have devised a way to turn them all back into humans, but I didn't have that time. The psychic phenomena would be over soon; Giles would make sure of that. Ace ran over to me to give me the canister.

"This is my latest formulation of Nitro-9, Professor!" Ace explained. "You activate it here, and the fuse will give you a head start to get away."

"How long, Ace?" I asked.

"Ten seconds." She replied. Ten seconds was plenty of time for a Time Lord. I took the canister and kept the sonic going as I approached the now cowering group of vampires. I activated the explosive and began to count as I rolled it.

Ten seconds. The canister rolled into the center of the group. The blond vampire seemed to notice it right away.

Nine seconds. I began to move away, and several of the vampires did too, despite the sonic causing them pain.

Eight seconds. Ace and Agent Harding took cover. The children already were far enough away.

Seven seconds. I was twenty meters back at this point. The timer still ticked on.

Six seconds. The Nitro-9 exploded, the fire engulfing the vampires that were in the explosive's direct path. The concussion wave sent me flying to my back, dazing me for a bit.

Five seconds. I laid there dazed, my clothing barely protection against the blast.

Four seconds. I was picked up off the ground, and my neck was turned to the side.

Three seconds. Fangs pierced my neck, and I felt my blood leaving me as well as the intense pleasure and pain.

Two seconds. If this kept up, I might start to...

One second. My neck snapped... I blacked out.


It would be simple to end the story there, but death is hardly an ending for a Time Lord, and this particular Slayer whom he was possessing has a bit of a knack for cheating death. However, more must be shown before what happened to her is.

While the group of possessed Scoobies was fighting, Rupert Giles and Cordelia managed to make it inside Ethan's costume shop. Giles was on his guard as he didn't know what to expect. He suspected a number of things, but he had no proof as to them yet. Cordelia, of course, was mostly clueless as to what was happening.

"See, this is why I bought my costume at Partytown. The costumes in this shop are tacky, and the motif of that bust is far too Roman. It clashes with the rest of the shop."

Of course, Cordelia would recognize that the bust of Janus was Roman. She was the daughter of a prominent family. Giles looked to it and narrowed his eyes.

"It's a bust of Janus."

"Janice, shmanice... It's tacky. What does it mean?"

"Primarily the division of self. Male and female. Light and Dark." Giles noticed some movement in the corner of his eye and moved to interpose himself between Cordelia and it.

"Chunky and creamy. Oh, no. Sorry, that's peanut butter." Another British voice echoed out.

"Cordelia, get out of here, now." Giles ordered.

"Fine, fine, I can see you want your man to man time. You better not leave me alone... I'll be right outside." Cordelia glared at the both of them before leaving the shop.

Once Cordelia was gone, Giles turned to the man. "Hello, Ethan."

"Hello, Ripper." Ethan grinned. "What? No hug? Aren't you pleased to see your old mate, Rupert?"

"I'm just surprised I didn't guess it was you right away. This Halloween stunt stinks of Ethan Rayne." Giles nearly growled out.

"Yes, it does, doesn't it?" Ethan asked rhetorically. "Don't want to blow my own trumpet, but it's genius. The very embodiment of 'be careful what you wish for.'"

"It's sick and brutal and harms the innocent." Giles stepped toward the other man.

"And you're a champion of the innocent? You? Quite an act you're putting on, old man." Ethan taunted.

"It's no act. It's who I am." Giles took another step.

"Who you are? The Watcher, sniveling, tweed-clad guardian of the Slayer and her kin? I think not. I know who you are, Rupert, and I know what you're capable of." Ethan paused and looked at Giles, thoughtful. Giles was going to have to do something about that. "But they don't, do they? They have no idea where you came from."

"I'll give you this one chance, Ethan. Break the spell and leave town, never to come back." Giles was within reach now.

"Oh, but that wouldn't be any fun. What do I get out of it?"

"You get to live." Giles growled out.

"Oh, Ripper, you're starting to scare me." Ethan taunted and then Giles jabbed the man in the gut and followed with a cross to the jaw, sending his former friend sprawling.

"Tell me how to break the spell." Giles lifted Ethan up to punch him again and let him go back to the ground.

Ethan spat out some blood. "And you said the Ripper was gone. Tut tut... shouldn't lie to the master."

Giles glared. "Tell me how to stop the spell, Ethan."

"Say 'pretty please'." Ethan taunted once more and Giles kicked him twice.

"Now, tell me how to stop it, and I'll leave you alive."

"The bust... break the statue of Janus..."Leaving nothing to chance, Giles dashed to the statue and lifted it over his head. He threw it to the ground, shattering it.

Ultimately, it was too late though. The Doctor's neck had been broken, thus Buffy's broke as well. Back at the battleground, Xander and Willow shook themselves out of the spell, Xander shouldering his now toy rifle. Willow still brandished the bat at any vampire who dared to get close. Spike knew that whatever magic had happened, the spell was obviously broken now. He'd done it. He'd managed to kill Buffy the Vampire Slayer while she was possessed. Oddly, it felt disconcerting that the Slayer would be done in that way. It didn't feel sporting. Of course, being Evil he didn't really care as much about being a good sport, but he had set out to kill the Slayer, not the Doctor.

It was then that Spike looked down at the Slayer's body in his hands. Something tingled at his senses. Normally when someone had their neck broken, the heart would stop after a few minutes, and the blood would stop pumping. That wasn't happening here. The Slayer's heart was still beating. He listened closely.

"Bloody hell." Spike couldn't help but utter. The Slayer's hearts were still beating. She also had a strange orange glow starting to go through her skin. All Spike's instincts told him that he didn't want to be near that glow if anything happened, so he dropped the body and ran. If the Slayer somehow survived this, he'd kill her another day. He'd already lost about half of his minions too. "Retreat, you lot!"

"Why? They're back to normal and you killed the Slayer!" Dumbasses, the lot of them. He'd have to make some newer, smarter minions when he got back to Dru. Something wasn't right here, and he knew it as he passed into the alley leading toward his hideout. He didn't look back, but he didn't need to. He could hear whatever it was happen. It sounded like an explosion of some sort, but not like the Nitro-9 explosive which had taken out half of the minions. He didn't know what it was, but he was certain the Slayer was the source.

He'd feed with Dru later tonight or early tomorrow. He needed to regroup and think on things.


Buffy Summers found herself standing in the middle of an open desert. She wasn't certain where she was, but this definitely wasn't Sunnydale. She was fairly certain that she hadn't been anywhere like this before. Well, to be honest, there was Venus, and Skaro was a little like the desert when she'd been there, but... Okay. That wasn't right.

"It is] a bit like Skaro, isn't it?" A male voice said nearby. She turned and there he was, Tom Baker's Doctor. "Hello, Buffy. I'm sorry about the mess that we found ourselves in."

"Hello, Doctor." Buffy found her voice. "No, it's my fault for dressing up as you. I wouldn't have expected something all spell-y to happen, but it did. Maybe I should have, but Giles said Halloween was the one night everyone would get off."

"Yes. Obviously that didn't happen. I suppose turning into me was better than your original idea. Trust me, the women of that time period were mostly... useless. Ignorant. The men kept them that way, but that's humanity for you." The Doctor explained

"Right... so... didn't Spike kill you... me... whatever?" Buffy asked. "Why are we here instead of wherever the next bit is?"

"While technically he did kill us. Time Lords have a bit of a way to cheat death, which I guess I passed on to you." The Doctor smiled at Buffy. "Trust me, you'll be wonderful."

"Wait... so I'm... regenerating?" Buffy asked. "I don't want to change my face!"

"You may not have to. It may be that you regenerate from me into you... But you are definitely a Time Lady now, Buffy Summers."

"But... Doctor..." The Doctor began to fade away... into regeneration energy which poured into Buffy, drowning out everything she could see. The last thing she saw before everything faded to black was a primitive woman with tribal tattoos dashing at her.

When the light faded, Willow and Xander looked around the street. Several children were crying for their parents, and there weren't any vampires around. Buffy's body laid there at the center of the street, unconscious. Or dead, a traitorous part of Xander's mind said as he went up to her.

On closer examination, Buffy was breathing again, and her neck had fully healed. Her hair seemed a bit blonder, possibly with a hint of red at the roots along one line of it. "She's alive, Wills! She's still alive!"

Willow ran over. "No, I saw her neck get snapped by Spike. Do you mean she-?"

"Guess enough of the Doctor stuck for her to get healed. She's breathing, neck seems to be in working order too. Huh, even the scar from the Master's gone." Xander picked up Buffy. "I'm going to get her to Giles's place. Do you think you can get the kids home?"

Willow nodded. "I'll come by afterward. If the Pro- the Doctor healed her, then something went right about this crazy night... Oi! Come on you kids!"

Xander blinked. Maybe Willow was still a little bit influenced by the personality of her costume. Might make things interesting later when she got all mortified. Still, he needed to bring Buffy to Giles's place. He needed to know she was okay.

In a crypt in Sunnydale Grace Cemetery, Spike smashed a chair over a table. "Rrraah! The Slayer was supposed to be dead! She was supposed to be weak, but no, she became a bloody Time Lord for the night, and wiped out half of us! I'm going to kill that girl! I'm going to tear out her throat and use her entrails as party streamers. I'll host a big party where we dine on her blood and eat hot wings. Yeah... that would do it."

A dark-haired vampire in Victorian dress came out from another room in the crypt. "There, there, my Spike. The Oncoming Storm took the nasty Slayer out of the reach of the Stars, and you managed to face her and survive. But there's a change in the Stars tonight and the two-faced god's influence tips the scales..."

Spike turned toward the woman. "Drusilla... what do you see, my love?"

"The Stars are blinking on and off, singing to me... Run and catch, run and catch... the pepper pots rise and the lords of time fly... The servants cast off their shackles, and the boots of metal stomp. Our ancestors' ancient enemy returns and the silence will deafen us all. The most important question shall ring out across time and space and it will haunt us..." Drusilla danced around Spike.

"I'm almost afraid to ask, Dru... but what question?"

"The first question... the oldest question in the universe... hidden in plain sight..."

"Dru?"

"Doctor... Who?"


Author's Notes: And Halloween is over, but the story is just beginning. I'm going to have some real fun with the first real arc here. I hope you guys do too.