The Death of Spongebob: A Spongebob Murder Mystery
Chapter Two: Interview with Mr. Krabs
"Have a seat." Inspector Tailfin sat across from Mr. Krabs and looked him straight in the eye. "Mr. Krabs, I'd like for you to tell me everything you did earlier today."
"Am I getting paid?"
Inspector Tailfin sighed and scribbled something down on his notepad. "No, you are not getting paid."
Mr. Krabs stood. "Well, can I at least have my money out on my desk so that it can comfort me?"
"Whatever." He drummed his flipper on the table as Mr. Krabs unveiled an ungodly amount of gold. "Now, explain."
"Well, I woke up. I think that happened first."
"Mmm-hmm. And then?"
Mr. Krabs lifted a coin with an oversized claw and grinned at it, his throaty voice suddenly getting more cheerful. "I got some Snail-Po."
"Snail-Po? You have a snail?"
"No. I just wanted my breakfast."
Mr. Tailfin stared at him, mouth gaping open like a dark tunnel. "You eat Snail-Po for breakfast?"
"Well, it's cheaper than anything else. The taste is a little rough getting used to, but it's worth it. Anyway. Next. Then I took the Pill." Seeing Inspector Tailfin's confusion, he shrugged. "I'm old. Old people take medication."
"What kind of medication? Pain medication? Depression medication?" He paused before revealing the last kind he had in mind, "Random bouts of insanity that might lead you to kill people medication?"
"Naaah. I'm just old."
"Continue." From only this brief minute of conversation, Inspector Tailfin had written two whole pages of notes.
"Then I let out a really long burp-,"
"Let's just skip to the part where you get to the Krusty Krab."
Mr. Krabs set down the coin. "So I got to the Krusty Krab. And I said hello to Spongebob, then to get to work makin' them patties. And he did. So I went into my office."
"And did what?"
"Well, counted me money, of course! What else would I do?"
Inspector Tailfin rose an eyebrow. All managers did was count their money? Maybe he should have been a manager instead of a crummy investigator. Pay was bad, people leapt on you and tried to rip your gills out, there were never enough girls…
"Ahem. Don't you want to know how much money I have?"
Inspector Tailfin gulped. "No thanks. When did you see Spongebob?"
"Well, Squidward told me something was wrong. And we walked into the kitchen, then… Bam! Sad as a penny down the gutter. Me fry cook was dead! X'ed eyes and all."
"So you're telling me you view this as a bad thing?"
"A bad thing?" Mr. Krabs stood, his tone menacing. "A bad thing? It's a terrible thing! My business will spiral down, my money will fall out of me mattress like Snail-Po from a can: it all comes out at once, in one big glob. I won't 'ave another penny for the rest of me life until this murderer is arrested and I get meself a new sponge!"
"Fascinating." Inspector Tailfin scrawled down the quote on his clipboard, eyebrows as high as sea level. "Be a good crab and bring in Squidward, eh?"
Next Time on The Death of Spongebob
"Squidward Tentacles, what do you think of Spongebob?"
"I don't think of Spongebob. I've worked very hard to forget his existence completely." Squidward laughed at his own joke, and his big nose wiggled. "Don't think... forget his existence..." He chuckled again.
Inspector Tailfin made a clicking sound with his tongue and wrote down "Makes Lame Jokes" in big letters on his clipboard.
