Thanks to: high. on. life, purple13098, ariedling, mamoru-senpai, and alchemistofpeace.
"Helloooo-"
"Can we stop drawing out the vowels?" Kisuke calls, removing the bungee cord from around his body.
I slump dejectedly. "Fine," I say, voice bitter. "Hello, readers."
"Now, was that so bad?"
I grumble incoherently. "Thank you, everybody, for reviewing!"
high. on. life: "You are sick and insane. It's amusing. As for your request..." I look over to Urahara, who's eyes widen comically.
"No," he whispers.
I shrug my shoulders. "The readers ask...the readers shall receive." I then proceed to tackle Kisuke and seize power from him by drugging him up and throwing him in a pit with Chad and Uryu, who are almost mindless zombies under the control of a device inbedded in their cranium.
"Noooo!" Kisuke screams. "The horroooor!"
"Quit it. Don't draw out your vowels," I snap, and wander away from the pit to go sit back and have a cup of milk...before recalling that I'm lactose intolerent. I run. Extremely noisy, unnecessary flatulence is heard from the bathroom, followed by a prompt sequences of splashes.
I giggle, continuing to drop rocks into the toilet and step on the whoopie cushion I'd purchased.
"Oh no! The comode! Ah!" I jump back as unsanitary water flows onto the floor. I step out of my lavatory and close the door behind me just as Urahara limps into view, his stance all bow-legged. "Okay, Kisuke. Time for the next one," I tell him.
purple13098: "I double that 3way thing." :) "Thanks. Kisuke suffered a great deal for your enjoyment," I say brightly. "Anyway, my dare is for him to go shirtless."
"Okay." I turn to Kisuke, who is still under the influence of foreign narcotics. He complies rather perfunctorily, fingers fumbling with his clothing.
"C'mon, are you high?" I cry when a few minutes pass and all he can do is grope about at nothing. "Oh, wait, you are high." I walk over and take off his haori and everything else above the waist. "Ah! I'm blinded!" I fall back on my ass, entranced by the god-like abs of Kisuke.
"Now, we shall take note of the homosapians pectorals and deity-like bodice," I say, swatting Kisuke with a switch stick.
"Ow!" he cries, snapping out of his drug-induced stupor. "Um...why am I naked above the waist?"
"Because purple13098 requested it," I tell him, and begin waving my hands around his pronounced muscles. "See, purple130-oh, what the fuck is with all the numbers? From now on, I'm going to call you Purplenurple. How do them apples sound? Purplenurple, this is Kisuke Urahara in the flesh. Behold!" I poke him in his navel, and Kisuke leaps back. "Hey!" I begin polishing Kisuke's biceps and swivel to face the audience.
ariedling: "What is the history of Jinta and Ururu?"
"I gave birth to them," Kisuke said bluntly.
"WHAT?" I scream.
"No, really. Back when I was just a newbie to the Department of Research, I accidentaly inbibed a potion."
"How the hell do you accidentally inbibe something?" I question.
He ignored me. "Anyway, when I was exiled from Soul Society, I was already 4 weeks pregnant."
"How did you give birth?" I inquire.
"C-section."
"Liar."
"Yep."
"So you are lying? You fabricated the whole thing?" I press.
"Yes."
"You did lie," I confirm.
"No."
"WELL, WHICH ONE IS IT?" I howl.
"That's a secret," Kisuke says, grinning.
momoru-senpai: "Urahara, eat Inoue-san's food."
"Okay," he says simply, unawarest to the horror of Inoue's concoctions.
I hand him a plate of spaghetti, which looks ordinary enough to the naked eye.
Urahara takes up his chopsticks and shoves a whole mouthful into his piehole.
"Wow," I murmur. He freezes, body stiff. A second passes and Urahara's knees buckle and he collapses on the floor, seizures wracking his body. A whole lot of foam dribbles down his chin.
He continues to buck and flop around like a fish. I pick my nose, bored.
"Meh...you can stop pretending now," I say. He finally lies still, a pile of sick spattered on the floor next to him. "Okay...so you weren't faking it. Oh well." I call a medic and address the next opportunist.
Alchemistofpeace: "Ooh, this should be good!"
"Yeah, it's a real hoot," I say blandly. "Someone give me a dare!" I begin to cry melodramatically.
"May I hold Urahara-san's hat?" *holds out hands with puppy eyes on face*
"Well, how could Urahara or I resist such a cute face?" I walk over and snatch up Urahara's hat from his mop of blonde hair as he is being strapped down on a gurney by paramedics.
"NOOO!" he screams, abruptly coming to. "NOT THE HAT! THE HAT IS GOD, YOU FOOLS!"
Urahara bellows deliriously, thrashing about as the aides strap him down.
I toss the hat to Alchemistofpeace. "Enjoy! But make sure to bring it back soon, or Kisuke'll go insane and do something stupid which will miraculously cut this fic short."
Suddenly, Ichigo and Rukia walk onto the scene. Ichigo looks mildly disgusted by the sight of Kisuke. Rukia is too busy looking at me.
"Who are you?" she questions.
"Your master...for now," I say.
"No way," Ichigo snorts, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
"Yes, way," I tell him, reinforcing my words with a deadly glare.
loverofgin: "Okay, my question: Is this...going to be more show-based...like very true to the actual show, or more of your own invention? Random, I know."
"Not at all. As for your question, I guess it will be a little of both. With the way this thing is going, I can't imagine it being anything like the original show."
"And my request/dare: Could you please, please, please do a chapter in which Yoruichi is there with him, talking? I always think they are so cute and funny together!"
"Sure. I'll get to it whenever possible."
"Hey! ARE YOU IGNORING ME?" Ichigo cries.
"Yes," I tell him. "Well, until next time, readers! Ichigo and Rukia will be included in our activities, so if you have any dares or questions for them, just ask!"
"WHAT? NO WE WON'T!" they shout in unison.
"Yes, they will," I assure, and bring out my switch stick.
To be continued...
