John Hart, Not a Vampire
Chapter 2
John Hart had learned some odd things from the archives in the town library. For one, the town kept the city maps and blue prints in a locked room with some pretty sophisticated security and locks (for the 21st century.) To make things interesting, John had disabled the security system and picked the locks hopping on one foot while reciting the Karma Sutra. Once he got into the room, things were even more odd. The room had a guard on the inside. The guard was humanoid, to a degree. It stood on two legs and had two arms and a head, but that was about as far as the similarity with humans went. The thing had gray armor plating with spikes jutting off at random places. 8" tusks sprouted from its lower jaw. It had been caught by surprise at the door opening without the usual electronic buzz on his size which caused him to be a little slow on swinging his huge battle axe at John's head. "Shit!" John swore and rolled out of the way. He drew a gun and leveled it at the thing's chest.
"A gun? Come on, you know those never work on demons. You're embarrassing me," the guard said with barely a lisp.
"Wait…what? I never have a problem with these and how the hell are you able to talk around those things in your mouth?" John asked incredulously.
"I get that a lot. Speech therapy," the guard replied. He hefted his battle axe over his head ready to split the intruder in two. John pulled the trigger on his sonic blaster and a bowling ball size hole appeared in the guard's chest. The guard dropped the axe, looked down at his now incomplete torso and said, "Huh? I guess that one does work." He fell over quite dead. John stood up and stepped over the body. He went to the filing cabinets and began his research. After reading the town charter and looking over the initial founders, John pulled out a large map of the town and put it on the table. John was shocked to see that the town was a perfect circle. He understood things like that could only be done by design. Moving his finger along the map he figured out where the exact center of the circle was and therefore where the center of town was. He tapped his finger on the building displayed, Sunnydale High School.
Night had fallen while John had been researching. He had set his Vortex manipulator to directional finder mode and was making his way to the High School. His path took him through an alley way near the industrial district. Living for so long on the wrong side of the law had fine tuned his senses and he knew he was being followed. "All right, you can come out now," he yelled behind him, stopping in the middle of the alley. Two men in cheap suits walked out of the shadows flanking a "man" with the head of a shark.
"Spiiike, you still owe me some kittens," Mr. Teeth the loan shark said. "I told you we would have to handle things differently next time we met," he warned. "Boys, I want his fangs. They should be a nice down payment on what he owes me."
"It will be a pleasure, Mr. Teeth," the vampire on the left said, kissing ass.
"Hold on a minute," John said raising his hand. The two vampires stopped, waiting to hear what "Spike" had to say. "Kittens? I'm more of a poodle man myself," John informed them. He shot the shark-man a dirty look. "Blowfish with their cocaine and cars; and your kind with their mobster fantasies. What is it with your kind and the adrenaline rush?" John asked. The loan shark took an involuntary step backwards. John held up his wrist, displaying his Vortex manipulator. "I know exactly where and when you're from fishy, and I also know you're not allowed on this planet," John said coldly.
"Change in plans, boys. Kill him! I want that vampire dusted!" Mr. Teeth yelled in panic.
"Hey! I'm not that pale," John said, insulted. He casually drew out a gun for the second time that day. Sliding a finger along the frame, he changed the dispersal pattern of the sonic beam. John took aim at the shark head and blasted it into a gory mist. A headless body slumped to the ground. The vampires looked from the headless body to John and back to the body. "You have a choice. Stay loyal to the fish and end up like him, or consider yourself unemployed. If you go with the latter, I suggest you starting running," John said in a friendly voice. The vampires shared a quick look and ran as fast as they could out of the alley. "Now let's see if I can make it to that school without any more murder relapses on my part," John muttered.
Giles had spent a couple of hours in the basement of the Magic Shop trying to calm his nerves. He finally gathered his courage and returned to the main floor where he was greeted by Buffy saying, "You can come out now, he gone."
"Would you mind terribly rephrasing that?" Giles sighed. Dawn caught the double meaning of what Buffy had said and giggled.
"I didn't just say that, did I?" Buffy asked rhetorically. "You know what I mean, Giles. No one here doubts your sexuality," she assured him.
"I do. He's British," Anya told Buffy in a matter of fact tone.
Xander sighed deeply, "No dear, we've had this discussion before. That's the French you're thinking about."
"Oh…sorry, Giles. I believe you are a heterosexual," Anya amended.
"Thank you, Anya. You have no idea how much that means to me," Giles said sarcastically. The sarcasm went completely unnoticed by Anya. "Spike's behavior earlier was quite out of character. Not only to did he make sexual advances at me, he was in a library doing research," Giles expounded. "We need to catalog his other odd behaviors to figure out what is going on," he said. "Xander, tell us more about your encounter."
"Well let's see. I bumped into him. He punched me and he didn't feel any pain. I stood in the middle of the street and Spike joined me there without the ring of Amara or any smoke. He punched me again and left. THE END," Xander summarized.
"Wait a minute; Spike was standing in broad daylight?" Buffy asked. "He was smoking when he came into the store a couple of hours ago."
"That's right," Willow said, getting excited. She always got excited at the prospect of a possible research intensive mystery that didn't include death. "What other details do you guys remember about dealing with Spike? We need to see what was the same about the encounters," she said.
"Um, Spike was dressed funny," Xander tossed out. "He kind of looked like a drum major or something."
"It was an authentic officer's jacket from the Napoleonic wars," Giles corrected him. "I'm afraid I was so shocked I didn't notice what else he was wearing," he apologized.
"Anything else you guys can remember?" Willow asked.
Xander gave Giles an embarrassed look; one that Giles returned. "He smelled really good," Xander said.
"Huh?" Buffy questioned.
"Spike had an extremely pleasant odor," Giles tried to explain. "Whatever new cologne he's wearing I need to buy some for myself."
"You and me both, brother," Xander agreed.
"OK, so he smells pretty and he's into dressing up in old clothes now. How does this help us?" Buffy asked.
"No, I see where willow is going with this," Giles said. "When Spike was smoking and acting normal, well normal for him at least, he was dressed as he usually does," Giles pointed out.
Xander nodded his head in understanding, "And when he beat the crap out of me in daylight and then wanted to play hide the salami in Giles, he was dressed up like a drum major."
"Napoleonic officer," corrected Giles.
"Whatever. The suit changes him," Xander said. "I just don't understand why he beat me up instead of trying to get into my pants," Xander said, his ego as bruised as his jaw.
"I believe Spike has gone bent, not blind," Giles said softly.
"My grasp on British slang may be pretty slim, but I'm pretty sure I was just insulted there," Xander said.
Willow gave him a tight lipped smile and nodded her head. "You were," she agreed.
"Ok, I just wanted to make sure," Xander said.
"Willow, do you think the jacket is doing this?" Tara asked.
"Probably. It might be enchanted, it might be possessed, or it could just have a very strong residual energy patterns left over from a powerful magic user, causing past mental patterns to overwhelm the current wearer," Willow said shrugging her shoulders.
Dawn smiled at the image that brought. "You mean it might have been worn by an openly gay warlock who fought for Napoleon?" she asked.
"Actually that could explain several historical anecdotes the Watchers have of Napoleon. Especially the one involving the circus and the juggling bear," Giles muttered to himself. The others looked at him, speechless. "Moving on. We need to research the possibilities Willow has pointed out. Let's get to the books shall we?" he suggested. Giles saw Buffy edging towards the door. "And Buffy will go out and patrol as usual," he said, letting the Slayer off the hook.
"Be back in a while, guys," Buffy said cheerfully as the others reached for two or three large books each to go through.
Spike held his box of mewling currency under one arm as he knocked on the back door to the warehouse Mr. Teeth, the loan shark, used as a base of operations. He hated the fish breathed guy, but William the Bloody did not welch on a deal. The door was opened by one of the cheap suited henchman Mr. Teeth always had with him. "What do you want…Oh shit!" the henchman yelled as he backpedaled away from the door. "Spike, I was just cleaning out my desk. I swear," he said in terror.
Spike thrust the box into the other vampire's hand. "I want people to know that I always repay me debt," he said.
"You got it, Spike. I'll tell everyone I know that you're a vampire of his word," the henchman said. The vampire swallowed hard, looking for all available exits.
Spike rocked back on forth on his heels. "I guess that's it. See you around then," he said. The other vampire looked even more frightened. Spike turned around and walked away.
"No, you won't. I promise, Mr. Spike," the henchman yelled down the alley.
Buffy made a quick sweep through the cemeteries and then made her way to an apartment she had been keeping an eye on. With what was going on to her Spike, it was time to play this card. Buffy stopped by a store and bought a bunch of balloons that would hide her face when she went up to the door. She rang the doorbell and waited.
Ethan Rayne looked out of his peep hole to see a delivery girl with a bunch of balloons on his doorstep. He opened the door and the helium balloons floated into the sky. A fist slammed into his nose. "Hi, Ethan," Buffy said. Ethan tried to run but he was grabbed by the petite Slayer and thrown across his kitchen table. She tossed the table aside like it weighed next to nothing. "What can you tell me about Napoleonic officers' jackets?" she asked him.
"Uh…they're a bitch to clean?" Ethan tried, struggling to come up with a fact that would keep him from getting severely beaten. Buffy grabbed Ethan by the shirt and threw him into the wall, dislodging a large piece of plaster.
"I'll be more specific. What can you tell me about a Napoleonic officer's jacket that grants vampires the ability to go around in daylight and turns them into horndogs?" Buffy asked, redefining the question. She wasn't ready to tell him that Spike had suddenly developed a crush on Ethan's old nemesis, Giles.
Ethan cocked his head to the side and gave Buffy a very real and very confused look. "I've never heard of such an object," he said. "I've heard of the ring of Amara, but never a jacket and definitely not one that makes them overly sexual. I would love to get my hands on something like that. It would be worth a fortune," Ethan said with greed in his eyes. Buffy let him down. Ethan could fake most emotions, but he could never cover up real greed. She knew he was telling the truth about the jacket.
"For the sake of argument, let's pretend that such a jacket did exist and we wanted the vampire wearing it to go back to normal. What would we have to do?" Buffy asked him.
Ethan leered at Buffy. "You just need him to take it off, but it's probably not just the jacket. You'll need him to take off everything he's wearing to make sure. That should be something very easy for someone of your…talents," Ethan said smugly. Buffy glared at him and spun him around so he faced the wall. She grabbed the back of his underwear and pulled so hard that the band tore off. She handed Ethan the band without saying a word and let herself out.
John Hart had made it to the center of town and stood across the street from the burned out wreckage of the old High School. A sign proclaiming the building of a new school would start soon. "Now these are kids who know how to throw a party," John said appreciatively. John raised his wrist and a holographic display sprang to life in front of him. It gave multiple readings across different energy frequencies, many which wouldn't be discovered by humans for another 25 centuries. "By Davros' pimply ass, will you look at that?" John swore. He was staring at readings that indicated a stable inter-dimensional rift below the wrecked building. "Where's Jack when you need him?" he asked the cosmos. John sat still for a moment and when an answer wasn't forthcoming he made his way back to his hotel room to go over the readings he had gathered.
Buffy had formulated a plan on the way back to the Magic Shop. She was pretty sure it was a good plan, but it all hinged on Giles. She opened the door to the familiar ring of the bell and the others looked up.
"How was your patrol, Buffy?" Giles asked.
"Two fledglings and a purple squelching thingy near the bus stop," Buffy said. "I also got a lead on the Spike problem," she told them.
Xander shut his book in relief. "Good, because we have found both zip and nada," he said.
Buffy replayed her interview with Ethan Rayne. Her description of the super atomic wedgie earned her a "Good show," from Giles. When she was done, Buffy looked at her friends. "Now all we have to do is find a way to get Spike to take off all of his clothes," Buffy said.
Xander gave a wry laugh. "Gee, Buff, how are you going to do that?" he said in disgust.
"He's not interested in me, Xander," Buffy pointed out. She turned to look at Giles. The room became very still as one by one each Scooby turned to look at their mentor.
"Oh good lord, no! ABSOLUTELY not!" Giles fumed. "There has to be another way. We could tranquilize him, maybe hit him over the head repeatedly, or possibly make Xander presentable," he offered. Giles knew when he was defeated. He took out a spare pair of glasses and tried to clean the lenses. Pushing too hard again, he popped the glass out. "Bloody Hell!"
