After the storm
Day two- Behind the closed door
It is still dark when I bring out the old shovel from the storeroom. Last night was the most horrible night of my life because I had to spend all the time hiding beneath the bed, clasping my hands over my ears so that I didn't have to hear her wailings.
They still remind me of the nights when she used to hold onto me to get rid of her nightmares. That can be a nice memory; one can tend for the rest of his life. But to me that is another nightmare because it calls back the demons inside me who continue to provoke me to wrap my hands around her neck again. I look at the scraggy brushes in the wheelbarrow and sigh. They seem slightly lusterless, but still they are green, which means they are still alive. Yes, they are. They can't die on me like the little girl I couldn't save. Prim's death is still like an open wound inside me, which tends to bleed with the slightest touch. I can still remember her earnest face visiting me in the prison of the thirteen.
You love her, you must remember.
Yes, I must remember. My inner demons are still wailing as I try to shake away the cobwebs covering my hair. Gently I put the shovel in the wheelbarrow and begin wheeling.
It is the kneeing wail of the cat that draws me to her house. The front door is wide open and the shutters are closed. I know she is still in there because her hunting boots are waiting for their owner at the footsteps of the door. I carefully push them aside and march inside. It is a very wrong idea, very wrong. She may emerge from inside anytime now, and what if I can't control my demons right now. All the times I wanted to kill her before, there were many people to control me, but now here we are alone with no one to stop us. I know she has never blamed me for my killing rage, but what if I can't stop myself now? What if the flashbacks return? I stop and take a deep breath before entering through the open doors. If she likes to kill me this time, I'll let her enter the bullet into my brain, letting it end forever.
The cat wails again and I clumsily push the wheelbarrow inside. My eyes trains the surroundings- small bushes grow here and there, thick layers of dust covers the windows, it is hard to believe that someone actually live here. It looks more like a haunted house rather than the old victor's home. I carefully select the site where the roses can be planted. Not in the front so that it can pain her sight, and not too far away so that her vigilant soul can guard her always.
I take the shovel out of the wheelbarrow and begin digging. The ash covers the soil in thick layers so that the bones. I feel the tears flowing from my eyes as I continue digging but I don't want to wipe them away.
The pale light starts shading the darkness, I don't stop. Even I don't stop when I hear a pair of busy footsteps running straight toward me.
Then the footsteps stop right beside me. As the wind swirls around us, I feel her fragrance in the air. I breath in, it is so familiar.
"You are back." A very familiar voice speaks. That voice makes me to look up only to find the face I want to see. I gaze into her eyes and she does so, but there is a strange look in them that I can't fathom. Her cheeks are wet. Of course, she has been crying. Her eyes are red, but her face wears a strange look that she has when she is angry or anxious or perplexed. She looks like that she wants to scream at me.
Am I alright either?
The inner demons have begun muttering inside me from the moment I saw her. It is still provoking me to wrap my fingers around her delicate neck, take the revenge of the death of my family. I know it is will come. The clouds are covering my brain. My hand makes a tight fist around the handle of the shovel. I grit my teeth, trying hard to swallow the rising pain inside me. I want to run away; at least I think when the cloud continues growing thicker. But I don't. Even it surprises me when I become able to speak with her normally. "Dr. Aurelius wouldn't let me leave the Capitol until yesterday," I say. "By the way, he said to tell you he can't keep pretending he's treating you forever. You have to pick up the phone."
She huffs as if she is trying to swallow the scream that she has reserved for me. My inner instincts make me to frown at her next step. My whole body tenses because still I expect an angry scream from her. But no, she pushes her hair back out of her eyes although they are matted with sweat and tries to smile. The morning sun has shaded side of her face, creating a strange pattern over there. All on a sudden I realize that she is gorgeous, really gorgeous- like a memory that is still hazy in my mind.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
For a moment I can't speak. What I must say? I look at the bushes in the wheelbarrow and suddenly I realize she is asking about them. Fear clouds my heart. What I must say?
"I went to the woods this morning and dug these up. For her," I reply, not daring to utter the name of the plants. "I thought we could plant them along the side of the house."
Her eyes move to the bushes, from the leaves to the roots, to the mud still clinging to their roots. Her mouth opens a little as if she is gasping for air, her eyes widen when she registers the name of the plants- the evening Primrose.
"Why did you bring them here?" she says, pulling the words, letter by letter. She looks tired.
"I just thought…." I try to reply, not daring to meet her eyes.
"Don't try to defend yourself, Peeta." She gives me a nod of assent as she reaches for the door. I throw away the shovel and try to reach for her, but I hesitate. My inner demons are not gone yet. My brains are becoming clouded again and I feel my hands twitching once more. They are coming. Every yelling, every bad memory brings them back. What if I can't keep myself in control when I touch her? What if ? What if? Those hesitations keep my feet rooted to the ground.
"Go away, Peeta. Go." She keeps yelling vicious things at me as she locks the door behind her.
I stand there, alone with the scraggly bushes and half dug holes. The sky is covered with grey cloud. The warmth of the sun is overtaken by the cold stormy wind. Like my mind which is hijacked by Capitol. Even after the long treatment they don't leave me completely.
Pain overtakes my whole beings and I can't stand them anymore. I want to kill something, break something right now. The inner demons are not gone yet. I can hear her screams coming from inside, which set my flashbacks on motion. She is crying, and I am trembling here with the fear and anxiety. At last the demons win. I collapse to the ground. I grab at the primrose brushes, crushing them until they are torn into many tiny pieces.
It is the coldness of the rain which brings me back to the reality. I open my eyes long enough to take the surroundings. The rain water has created a small pool around me, leaving me dipping wet. I look at the ruins I've created myself. The holes are unplanted and the primroses lies beside them battered, dead.
I look up at the windows of her room where she still lives. I catch a glimpse of her though the window, watching the rain. She is still crying. Right then her eyes catches me.
"Peeta." She calls from the window "You are so wet. Come inside."
There is no trace of anger in her voice now; instead there is a strange sympathy in her tone. I've heard this tone in her voice, in some lost times, I can't remember.
Still I know she wants to save me like I want to save her.
But how? Both of us are so broken, how can we save each other?
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