Merde! I needed a cigarette. I put everything back where I found it, or at least, I think I did. I thought I heard Cosima's footsteps on the stairs so I ran away from her desk. I ran into the bedroom and laid on the bed, just where she had left me.
But then, no one came. It must have been the neighbor.
Merde!
I was too anxious to just lay on the bed and wait for her. I needed a cigarette.
I carried my purse to the window. I opened the window and leaned out. Luckily, it wasn't very cold. Still, I pulled Cosima's robe around myself. I thought for a moment that it smelled like her. I lifted my shoulder to my nose. Yes, it definitely smelled like her. I rubbed the red silky fabric between my fingers. It felt like her, too. I sighed.
What am I going to do? I thought as I lit the cigarette.
What have I done? That was my second thought.
My third thought was, How long until she finds out? She's definitely going to find out.
And what about this girl, Kira?
Just then a breeze came in and gave me a chill. Or was it the thought of my own betrayal?
I have not betrayed anyone. He said she was in danger.
"She's in danger," I said to myself. But when I looked up she was standing at her desk, staring at me.
"Oh! Cosima!" I said. Had she heard me talking to myself like a - what's the word? Like a looney?
"Sorry," she said. "I thought you heard me come in."
She was smiling her flirty smile, so I guessed that for the moment she didn't suspect anything.
"I hope you don't mind," I said, holding up my cigarette.
She said she didn't mind and then she offered me a joint. I didn't really know if it was a good idea, but how could I say no to her? She looked so happy when she talked about pot. Before I knew it, she was standing next to me in that red coat, rolling a joint on the dresser.
Maybe I should go? I thought. I'll just tell her I'm tired.
"Are you okay?" she asked me suddenly. I guess she made a joke, and I didn't laugh.
What am I going to do? If I go, will it be suspicious? Or worse, rude?
"Yeah," I said. "I'm fine. I've just never..."
"Oh," she said. "We don't have to smoke this. It's just, like, what I do. But that doesn't mean we have to do it right now."
"Non," I said. I reached for her arm. "It's fine."
When I touched her sleeve, I remembered that she wasn't wearing anything under that coat. I was aroused.
I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I couldn't believe my desire. Damn Leekie! How did I ever let him manipulate me like this? How did I end up in that room, with this woman - a woman I was supposed to be spying on - smoking pot in the middle of the night? How did I get there and why couldn't I leave?
"Are you sure?" she said with a smile.
"Yes, definitely," I said.
Putain, Leekie!
"I mean, I want to," I said.
"Well, I'm gonna light it, and I'm gonna smoke a little bit, and you can choose to smoke or not," she said. "No pressure, though."
"Right," I said. "No pressure."
No pressure. No pressure? Nothing about this situation was no pressure, but I smiled and watched her smoke. She looked me in the eyes as she exhaled. She was flirting with me, and I liked it too much. She was giving me all the green lights and I was taking advantage of each one. I was a liar and a spy, and this isn't wasn't what I signed up for when they told me I would be a monitor. No one said anything about...sex? Love?
Oh god, am I in love? Already? That easily?
"But," she said as she exhaled a second time. "You did make a promise..."
"I did, didn't I?" I said.
But I had made too many promises, and now I didn't know which one to keep. Did I have to choose? Between Leekie and Cosima? Is that what I had to do? I had already betrayed Cosima once, and I was quickly realizing that I couldn't bear the feeling. The thought of betraying Leekie was frightening, but not unbearable.
So that's it then? I thought. I've already chosen sides.
I looked Cosima in the eye. I was on her side. Even then, I already knew it. But when she found out about my betrayal, what would I do?
"What the hell?" I said.
"YOLO," she said. She tried to explain the word, but the explanation was even more confusing.
"You only live once, hmm?" I said. It seemed like a strangely appropriate motto.
She will find out, I thought as I took a long drag of her joint. And when she does, will she remember this night? Will she remember that kiss? Will she remember all the other things that came after? Will she believe any of it was real?
"I'm impressed," she said. She took a step closer to me.
"Don't be," I said. I'm a liar!
"I've been smoking cigarettes since I was a kid."
Then she started rambling, and when she starts rambling, I can't control myself. I wanted her so bad. I wanted to take back the last hour of my life. I wanted to take back my phone call to Leekie. I wanted to get back in that bed and wait for her to return with those...what are they called? Eskimos?
But it was too late. What's done is done. The best I could do was show her how much I cared for her, so when she looked back, she would have to remember. I had to make her feel it!
I kissed her as deeply as I could. I think I shocked her, but maybe that was the point. I thought I was trying to prove something, but as I tore at the buttons of her coat, I realized I didn't have to try at all. It was so easy to want her. I opened her coat and slipped my hands around her warm waist. It was so easy.
"Come, Cosima," I said as I pulled her to the bed. "Come."
I had to make her feel it! I just had to.
