~ "Suddenly I see", KT Tunstall ~

Butters

I am not a fag.

I don't care what he thinks. I'm not.

Well, okay, sometimes I like to make myself look pretty but, who doesn't like that?

And maybe sometimes I like to slip into a dress.

And maybe pretend I'm not...

Aw, who am I kidding? I'm just a fag, aren't I? Eric was right. All those times he laughed and pointed and called me names he was just the only one who realised what I am.

Oh hamburgers.

And now Kenny knows! Kenny! Not sweet Kyle, who'd be polite and keep quiet. Or even Stan who might get freaked out and avoid me forever but wouldn't tell. No. It had to be Kenny, the one kid who finds everything deviant hilarious, the one kid I'd have given anything not to know who I really am.

It's not like I don't like Kenny. I do. I really do. He's so cool and edgy and sexy and... how could anyone not like him? It's just... how could he possibly understand this? He's more used to doing skirts, not wearing them. And what if he tells my dad? Oh Jesus! I'll be grounded for eternity, if I'm lucky.

It's only when I get home I realise I'm still in my...other clothes. But I don't panic. I always keep a spare set of clothes in the shed, just in case. I just pray my dad doesn't notice the makeup. Spotting my parents in the front room, I slip in the backdoor. Victory! I creep through the kitchen, feeling confident, then...

"Butters! You get in here at once young man."

Hamburgers!

I hang my head as I walk uncertainly into the living room.

"Stand up straight."

"Y-yes sir." Trembling slightly I look him in the eye. He doesn't look any more angry than usual. Maybe he hasn't noticed...

"You're back early. What's the hurry, son?" His words should be kind but his voice is harsh, accusatory. "Don't you have that homework club this evening?"

Crap! Dancing! I've been covering my tracks so well – now he'll know something's up. "Uh... it was cancelled, sir. Teacher g-gave us a day off to study for finals."

I bite my lip on the inside, praying he'll buy it. Suddenly he looks back down to his paper, uninterested. "Well go off and study then, 'stead of skulking around in the kitchen."

Relief washing over me, I turn to go.

"Butters, dear."

Wincing, I turn back. "Yes, ma'am?"

"Would you like me to make you some tea, hun, or will you be studying all night?"

"Oh I-I'm fine thanks ma. I'll jus' go on up to my room. No need to cook or nothing."

She smiles absently and returns to her sowing. "Well alright dear. Have fun."

Jeez, ma, who has fun doing homework? As I stomp up the stairs I wonder if she's ever paid attention to anything in her life enough to realise what the world's like. I can just imagine her floating through high school, oblivious to the pain around her, just waiting for my dad to scoop her up into a passive marriage.

Ugh.

Some days I hate my parents.

In my room, I hurriedly text an excuse to Bebe: "cnt make it 2nite, gotta study, see you nxt week xx". Thank God that girl's not too bright or else she'd realise her dancing friend is also the kid she scoffs at in school every day. But it's ok. She's way too popular to do anything but disdainfully ignore me at school.

But now...

What if Kenny tells her? They're pretty close, maybe he'll... He might be telling her right now!

Oh Jesus. I'd skip school tomorrow, but the terror of what my dad would do to me if he realised I was fakin' outweighs the bullying I'll face in the classroom. After all, I've been through worse at school. Probably.

Sighing, I try to perk myself up. But my books and essays squirm before my eyes, so eventually I just take my sleeping tablets and go to bed. At least sleeping's something I'm good at.

Morning comes all too soon. I get ready in a daze, carefully moisturising and cleansing away any trace of makeup. My normal clothes feel like a prison now. I slouch to school as slowly as possible, and brace myself as I walk in, waiting for the jeers, the humiliation.

Nothing.

Wincing, I look around, expecting leering faces but... everyone's normal. Just chatting and milling about like it's any other day.

Testing, I fearfully walk up to Eric. "W-well hey Eric, how's it goin'?"

He glares at me. "Get away from me, fag! Don't want your fag-germs all over me." Giving me a shove he walks away. I've tensed for a bigger assault, but this is just how he greats me every day. Huh. Wandering over to my locker I wave to Stan, who smiles absently back before he carries on chatting to Wendy. I'm stunned. Everything's normal. No-one has a clue.

Relief gives me a spring in my step and the first few classes are a breeze. I even start singing to myself as I visit my locker before lunch. Everything's comin' up Butters!

"Hey there, sweet thing."

Hamburgers!

The husky voice comes from my side this time, but he's just as close as before. Oh God, I can feel the warmth of his body he's that close. The smell of him, the sensation of being near him... It's messing with my mind. Terror and need are washing through me. Goddamit, why does he have this effect on me!

"Back off," I hiss to him, using my locker door as a shield against curious eyes. "I-I told you to stay away from me."

Kenny sighs, grinning, his breath tickling my ear. I hope he doesn't notice the goosebumps rise on my neck.

"Chill, freak show. Just thought you'd want these back." He dangles my clothes in front of me with amused eyes. Desperately controlling my trembling, I try to snatch them from him but he jerks them away. "Oh no. Don't think you're getting off that easy."

My eyes widen in fear. "Whu-what are you gonna do to me?"

Kenny grins, obviously revelling in the power he holds over me. "All in good time, princess. Meet me out back in 5 minutes. They won't miss you at lunch."

"But..."

But, winking, Kenny dashes off before I have time to protest.

Oh Jesus. Just when I thought everything was gonna be ok.