Chapter 2: The Philedelphia

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Tails rings call bell, but gets no answer. He rings twice to finally get service from Rouge, the waitress, who enters with a mug in one had and a coffee pot in the other.

Rouge: Can I help me?
Tails: Do you know that you would look fantastic on a wide screen?
Rouge: Uh-huh.
Tails: Seventy millimeters.
Rouge: Look. Do you want to see a menu, or what?
Tails: Let's negotiate, here. What's the soup du jour today?
Rouge: Soup of the day, you got your choice of Polish duck blood or cream of kidney.
Tails: Beautiful. Beautiful! Kick me in a kidney.
Rouge: You got it.
Tails: Any oyster crackers on that seabed?
Rouge: Nope. All out.
Tails: Hope the specials today? Spread out your options.
Rouge: You got your deep-fried gizzards.
Tails: Fabulous.
Rouge: Calves' brains with okra.
Tails: You are a temptress.
Rouge: And pickled pigs' feet.
Tails: Pigs' feet. I love it. Put me down for a quadruped.
Rouge: If you say so.
Tails: Any sprouts to go on those feet?
Rouge: Iceberg.
Tails: So be it.
(Exit Rouge through kitchen. Enter Shadow, looking shaken and bedraggled.)
Shadow: Tails!
Tails: Hey there, Shadow. What's up?
Shadow: Jesus!
Tails: What's going on, buddy?
Shadow: Oh, man…!
Tails: What's the matter? Sit down.
Shadow: I don't get it, Tails. I don't understand it.
Tails: You want something? You want a drink? I'll call the waiter-
Shadow: No! No! Don't even try. I don't know what's going on today, Tails. It's really weird.
Tails: What, like…?
Shadow: Right from the time I got up.
Tails: What is it? What's the story?
Shadow: Well-just for example. This morning I stopped off at a drugstore to buy some aspirin. This is a big drugstore, right?
Tails: Yeah…
Shadow: I go up to the counter, the guy says what can I do for you, I say, Give me a bottle of aspirin. The guy gives me this funny look and he says, "Oh we don't have that, sir." I said to him, "You're a drugstore and you don't have any aspirin?"
Tails: Did they have any Bufferin?
Shadow: Yeah!
Tails: Advil?
Shadow: Yeah!
Tails: Extra-strength Tylenol?
Shadow: Yeah!
Tails: But no aspirin.
Shadow: No!
Tails: Wow…
Shadow: And that's the kind of weird thing that's been happening all day. It's like, I go to a newsstand to buy the News, the guy never even heard of it.
Tails: Could've been a misunderstanding.
Shadow: I asked everyplace-nobody had the News! I had to read the Toronto Hairdresser. Or this, I go into a deli at lunchtime to buy a sandwich, the guy tells me they don't have any pastrami. How can they be a deli if they don't have any pastrami?
Tails: Was this a Korean deli?
Shadow: This was a kosher-from-Jerusalem deli. "Oh, we don't carry that, sir," he says to me. "Have some tongue."
Tails: Mmm.
Shadow: I just into a cab, the guy tells me he doesn't go to Sixteenth Street. He offers to take me to Frisco instead!
Tails: Mm-hm.
Shadow: Looking at me like I'm an alien or something!
Tails: Shadow. Settle down.
Shadow: "Oh, I don't go there, sir."
Tails: Settle down. Take a breath.
Shadow: Do you know what this is?
Tails: Sure.
Shadow: What is it? What's happening to me?
Tails: Don't panic. You're in a Philadelphia.
Shadow: I'm in a what?
Tails: You're in a Philadelphia. That's all.
Shadow: But I'm in-
Tails: Yes, physically you're in Station Square. But metaphysically you're in a Philadelphia.
Shadow: I've never heard of this!
Tails: You see, inside of what we know as reality there are these pockets, these black holes called Philadelphias. If you fall into one, you run up against exactly the kinda crap that's been happening to you all day.
Shadow: Why?
Tails: Because in a Philadelphia, no matter what you ask for, you can't get it. You ask for something, they're not gonna have it. You want to do something, it aint gonna get done. You want to go somewhere, you can't get there from here.
Shadow: Good god. So this is very serious.
Tails: Just remember, Shadow. This is a condition named for the town that invented the cheese steak. Something that nobody in their right mind would willingly ask for.
Shadow: And I thought I was just having a very bad day…
Tails: Sure. Millions of people have spent entire lifetimes inside a Philadelphia and never even knew it. Look at the city of Philadelphia itself. Hopelessly trapped forever inside a Philadelphia. And do they know it?
Shadow: Well what can I do? Should I just kill myself now and get it over with?
Tails: You try to kill yourself in a Philadelphia, you're only gonna get hurt.
Shadow: What do I do?
Tails: Best thing to do is wait it out. Someday the great cosmic train will whisk you out of the city of Brotherly Love and off the someplace happier.
Shadow: You're pretty goddamned mellow today.
Tails: Yeah well. Everybody has to be someplace.
(Rouge enters)
Rouge: Is your name Miles Prower?
Tails: It is indeed.
Rouge: There was a phone call for you. Your boss?
Tails: Okay.
Rouge: He says you're fired.
Tails: Cool! Thanks. (Rouge exits) So anyway, you have this problem…
Shadow: Did she just say that you got fired?
Tails: Yeah. I wonder what happened to my pigs' feet…
Shadow: Tails!? You loved your job!
Tails: Hey. No sweat!
Shadow: How can you be so calm?
Tails: Easy. You're in a Philadelphia? I woke up in a Los Angeles. And life is beautiful! You know Cosmo packed up and left me this morning.
Shadow: Cosmo left you?
Tails: And frankly Shadow, I don't give a shit. I say, go and God bless and may your dating pool be Olympic-sized.
Shadow: But your job? The mechanical industry was your life!
Tails: So I'll turn it into a movie script and sell it to Sega. Toss in a little adventure, add a little emotional blah-blah-blah, pitch it to Jack and Dusty, you got a video game with a mechanical background. Not relevant enough? We'll throw in the hole in the ozone, make it E.C.
Shadow: EC?
Tails: Environmentally correct. Have you about this hole in the ozone?
Shadow: Sure.
Tails: Shadow, I love this concept. I embrace this ozone. Sure, some people are gonna get hurt in the process. Meantime, everybody else'll tan a little faster.
Shadow: So this is a Los Angeles…
Tails: Well. Everybody has to be someplace.
Shadow: Wow.
Tails: You want my advice? Enjoy your Philadelphia. Sit back and order yourself a beer and a burger and chill out for a while.
Shadow: But I can't order anything. Life is great for you out there on the cosmic beach. Whatever I ask for, I'll get a cheese steak or something.
Tails: No. There's a very simple rule of thumb in a Philadelphia. Ask for the opposite.
Shadow: What?
Tails: If you can't get what you ask for, ask for the opposite and you'll get what you want. You want the News, ask for the Times. You want pastrami, ask for tongue.
Shadow: Oh.
Tails: Works great with women. What is more opposite than the opposite sex?
Shadow: Uh-huh .
Tails: So. Would you like a Bud?
Shadow: I sure could use a-
Tails: No. Stop. Do you want…a Bud?
Shadow: No. I don't want a Bud.
(Enter Rouge from kitchen to clean neighboring tables.)
Tails: Good. Now there's the waitress. Order yourself a Bud and a burger. But don't ask for a Bud and a burger.
Shadow: Waitress!
Tails: Don't call her. She won't come.
Shadow: Oh.
Tails: You're in a Philadelphia, so just figure, screw her.
Shadow: Screw her.
Tails: You don't need that waitress.
Shadow: Screw that waitress.
Tails: And everything to do with her.
Shadow: Hey, waitress! SCREW YOU!
(Rouge turns to him)
Rouge: Can I help you?
Tails: That's how you get service in a Philadelphia.
Rouge: Can I help you?
Shadow: Uh-no thanks.
Rouge: Okay, what'll you have?
Tails: Excellent.
Shadow: Well-how about some O.J.?
Rouge: Sorry. Squeezer's broken
Shadow: A glass of milk?
Rouge: Cow's dry.
Shadow: Egg nog?
Rouge: Just ran out.
Shadow: Cuppa coffee?
Rouge: Oh we don't have that, sir.
Shadow: Got any ale?
Rouge: Nope.
Shadow: Porter?
Rouge: Just beer.
Shadow: That's too bad. How about a Heineken?
Rouge: Heineken? Try again.
Shadow: Rolling Rock?
Rouge: Outta stock.
Shadow: Schlitz?
Rouge: Nix.
Shadow: Beck's?
Rouge: Next.
Shadow: Sapporo?
Rouge: Tomorrow.
Shadow: Lone Star?
Rouge: Hardy-har.
Shadow: Bud Lite?
Rouge: Just plain Bud is all we got.
Shadow: No thanks.
Rouge: (calls) Gimmie a Bud! (To MARCY) Anything to eat?
Shadow: Nope.
Rouge: Name it.
Shadow: Pork chops.
Rouge: Hamburger…
Shadow: Medium.
Rouge: Well done…
Shadow: Baked potato.
Rouge: Fries…
Shadow: And some zucchini.
Rouge: Slice of raw. (Exits, calling) Burn one!
Tails: Shadow, that was excellent.
Shadow: Thank you.
Tails: Excellent. You sure you've never done this before?
Shadow: I've spent so much of my life asking for the wrong thing without knowing it, doing it on purpose comes easy.
Tails: I hear you.
Shadow: I could've saved myself a lot of trouble if I'd screwed up on purpose all those years. Maybe I was in a Philadelphia all along and never knew it!
Tails: You might have been in a Baltimore. They're practically the same.
(Rouge enters with a bottle of beer and a plate)
Rouge: Okay. Here's your Bud. And one cheese steak. (Starts to leave)
Tails: Excuse me. Hey. Wait a minute. What is that?
Rouge: It's a cheese steak.
Tails: No. I ordered cream of kidney and two pairs of feet.
Rouge: Oh we don't have that, sir.
Tails: I beg your pardon?
Rouge: We don't have that, sir.
Tails: You son of a bitch! I'm in your Philadelphia!
Shadow: I'm sorry, Tails.
Tails: You brought me into your Philadelphia!
Shadow: I didn't know it was contagious.
Tails: Oh God, please don't let me be in a Philadelphia! Don't let me be in a-
Shadow: Shouldn't you ask for the opposite? I mean, since you're in a Phila-
Tails: Don't tell me about life in a Philadelphia!
Shadow: Maybe you're not really-
Tails: I taught you everything you know about Philly, asshole! Don't tell me how to act in a Philadelphia.
Shadow: But maybe you're not really in a Philadelphia!
Tails: Do you see the cheese on that steak? What do I need for proof? The friggin' Liberty Bell? Waitress, bring me a glass of water.
Rouge: Water? Don't have that, sir.
Tails: "We don't have water"-? What, do you think we're in a sudden drought or something? (Suddenly realizes) Holy shit, I just lost my job…! Steve left me! I gotta make some phone calls! (To Rouge) 'Scuse me, where's the payphone?
Rouge: Sorry, we don't have a payph-
Tails: Of course you don't have a payphone, of course you don't! Oh shit, let me outta here! (Exit Tails)
Shadow: I don't know. It's not that bad in a Philadelphia.
Rouge: Could be worse. I've been in a Cleveland all week.
Shadow: A Cleveland? What's that like?
Rouge: It's like death, without the advantages.
Shadow: Really. Care to stand?
Rouge: Don't mind if I do. (She sits)
Shadow: I hope you won't reveal your name.
Rouge: Rouge.
Shadow: Good-bye.
Rouge: Hello. (They shake)
Shadow: (Indicating cheese steak) Want to starve?
Rouge: Thanks. (Picks up sandwich and starts to eat)
Shadow: Yeah, everybody has to be someplace…So.

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Well, there you have it. I could've used Knuckles, but I already put Shadow in. Maybe you can imagine Knuckles being Shadow next time you read this chapter. Okay guys, you're gonna be dissapointed when I say this, but I decided not to audition for American Idol this year. I'm just not experienced enough, but I will keep practicing. I added a new poll in case you're interested, and I updated my profile, check it out. Thank you for reading, and please review.