"Hikaru…" Kaoru begins, cautiously. His brow furrows and he says no more. After a few seconds of silence, I prompt, "Yes?" He looks uncomfortable. My hopes begin to deflate.
"I… I need time. To think. This is… all so new. I'm not sure if we should be doing this."
"Why not?" I ask.
"Well… we could practice this sort of thing with practically any girl we wanted. We don't have to try it out together, the way we try everything else together. This might be the one thing we should learn to do separately."
"Kaoru, is that what that was to you? Practice?"
His eyes shoot open in surprise.
"Of course. I mean… what else? It's not as if we… well, you know."
"No, I don't know," I growl. "It's not as if we what?"
"Have feelings for each other," finishes Kaoru. "We're just twin brothers. It would be wrong."
"Why?"
Perhaps he can hear the strain in my voice, because Kaoru looks very confused now.
"It just would be! Brothers aren't supposed to do things like that."
"What, care for each other?"
"No, love each other. In that way. And kiss, and…" He reddens. "And whatever else."
We remain silent. I can tell that he is trying to read me, glean my thoughts from my expression, but I force my face to stay blank while I sort through all my new thoughts and emotions.
"Hikaru-"
But I can't take any more of it. I hurriedly push aside the covers and jump out of bed. I race to the door.
"Hikaru!" my brother cries out in shock. I ignore him and leave the room, making my way back down the corridor to my own room. I go inside and lay down on my bed. Alone.
I never thought that I would have these sorts of feelings for Kaoru. I also never thought anyone would reject me. And I certainly never thought that rejection would hurt this much.
Is Kaoru right? I wonder sadly. Are my feelings wrong?
I scoff at myself. Don't be stupid, Hikaru. Get over the hurt. I will not entertain the notion that there is anything wrong with loving Kaoru. Nothing could be more right. Anyone who can't see that is simply narrow-minded.
My sadness is gone, replaced by bitterness.
Kaoru isn't a narrow-minded person… is he? No! He's not! But then… That must mean that something is wrong with me. Why did he immediately reject the mere thought of loving me? Is it so crazy? I thought we were as close as humanly possible. What more could he want? Maybe I'm too immature for him. Maybe I'm too selfish. But still… I thought he loved me just as much as I love him, and if that were true, then I know he could come to love me as more than a brother and best friend.
But it doesn't seem like that will happen, so I guess it was all a lie, I conclude angrily. Kaoru must never have loved me like I loved him. I was just deluding myself.
Suddenly I feel the bed shift under me. Shocked, I turn my head to see Kaoru climbing under the covers with me. He must have entered without my noticing.
"Hikaru… I'm sorry," he says, gazing intensely at me. I remain coldly silent, but it's true, I can see the remorse in the depths of his amber eyes. "I didn't realize. I… didn't know."
"Figured it out then, did you?" I ask bitterly. I move to turn away, but Kaoru grabs my hand. His touch sends a spark up through my hand, into every part of my body.
"I'm scared, Hikaru," he confesses, "The truth is, I… I like you." Moonlight is streaming through the windows, shining on Kaoru's blushing face. "I mean… you know what I mean. I always have. And I allowed myself to play along at the Host Club because I knew that's all it was, playing. It was fun. But all the time I've been fighting these feelings because I thought they were wrong, and I was sure you didn't share them. That's why I… said we shouldn't do those things together. I thought you just wanted to practice and I knew… I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep fighting anymore if we did more of that. But then, when you ran out, I finally understood."
I am stunned. I can think of nothing to say. I simply stare at my twin, eyes wide and body still. He smiles softly, the smallest hint of tears in his eyes.
"I love you, Hikaru."
As if to prove this, Kaoru quickly leans forward and kisses me. The kiss is timid, but as soon as his lips are on mine, my body breaks free of its immobility. I deepen the kiss, and my hand flies up to his hair. I run my fingers through his silky orange locks and grab the back of his head, pulling him closer against me. Kaoru responds by kissing back just as passionately, and running his hands down my bare chest. His hands are so soft and tender, and my skin tingles where he has touched it.
Breathless, I break the kiss, pulling back only far enough that I can look straight into Kaoru's eyes. We are both panting a bit.
"I love you, Kaoru."
We share wide smiles; relieved, I think, at what has finally come to pass. It feels so right.
"What should we do now?" he asks. I ponder this.
"We should keep just the same as always. We don't need to tell anyone. It's our business, and ours alone. Let's just keep everyone at school guessing like they always do," is my answer. I wink mischievously.
"Guessing, yes, and fantasizing," adds Kaoru. We burst out laughing together.
"Precisely, my dear," I reply, grinning brightly. "Precisely."
"So we stay the same at school, and then at home… we can be this," Kaoru says.
"We'll be this all the time, from now until forever, Kaoru. We can just keep certain things, like the kissing, for home."
"Alright."
I gaze at Kaoru. The shine of the moonlight reflecting off his pale skin. The twinkle in his bright eyes. The allure of his plump, pink lips. How is it possible that it took me so long to see what I had right beside me all this time? It's all so clear now. It's hard to imagine ever having not been madly in love with Kaoru, but just 24 hours ago, that's just what I was. Strange.
"One more kiss goodnight?" I tease.
Kaoru smirks and obliges.
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