Everything Wrong With Music
Music is stupid.
Yes, that's on how I'm going to start these.
Basically music these days is auto tune, electronics, and horrible, nonsensical lyrics. Let's look at some of them shall we?
Lady Gaga's Applause:
Lyrics:
I've overheard your theory "nostalgia's for geeks"
I guess sir, if you say so, some of us just like to read
What?
"Some of us just like to read"
That's what she says there.
"Some of us just like to read"
No shit Sherlock.
This:
(A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E) Make it real loud
and this:
A-R-T-P-O-P
She must think we're stupid. Congratulations! You know how to spell two words, and one of them you made up! Yay! (Golf claps) I'm soo happy for you.
If you have to SPELL OUT WORDS then you must think we're dumb.
Coldplay, Paradise:
There's nothing wrong lyrically with this song except for one thing:
She dreamed of para-para-paradise.
In my head:
She dreamed of pair of pair of, pair of dice.
Pair of dice. A simple slur matter but nothing more. Stay out casinos kid, gambling is no bueno at your age. No alcohol either, if I hear that you've been drinking, I'm not going to be a happy Sriracha bottle (oh the visual pun).
Capital Cities, Safe and Sound:
I love this song but it sounds like they're in a warzone.
Lyrics:
I could fill your cup
You know my river won't evaporate
This world we still appreciate
You could be my luck
Even in a hurricane of frowns
I know that we'll be safe and sound
Safe and sound
We're safe and sound
Safe and sound
We're safe and sound
Hold your ground
We're safe and sound
Safe and sound
I could show you love
In a tidal wave of mystery
You'll still be standing next to me
You could be my luck
Even if we're six feet underground
I know that we'll be safe and sound.
Let's overanalyze this for a moment (hint, hint).
You know my river won't evaporate
This world we still appreciate
Um...that's a big reference to pollution.
You could be my luck
Even in a hurricane of frowns
I know that we'll be safe and sound
That's every natural disaster ever.
We're safe and sound
Hold your ground
We're safe and sound
Safe and sound
No you're not! The zombies are coming! The zombies are coming! Screw Paul Revere get the fuck out!
(Paul Revere didn't say "The British are coming!" because why would he? British were everywhere during his ride. Oh the public school system, how you incorrectly say things)
David Guetta and Usher, Without You:
Lyrics:
I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game without you, without you.
Solitaire, the only game you really can play by yourself.
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you
One, get a compass, two, you're not a werewolf, you're going to end up looking like the same, sad, lonely man with nothing to do.
I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you.
If you can't run then you need to lose weight because anyone can run if they really wanted to (like trying to chase your girlfriend's car as she is driving away from you, you creepy stalker). I take offense to the second remark sir. You'll be able to make it without flying, I had to for several years. You're still a sad and lonely man with nothing to do. Okay, got it.
I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I,
Without you, without you.
Sleep insomnia?
Scream this over and over (with cotton in your mouth and fist in the air): Adrian!
You also need to breathe, eat, bathe, you can't copy off the Beatles with everything.
You're still lonely? Lo siento, I'd imagine after a minute and half of this you'd realize "Hey, this chick really doesn't want to be with me." But no, you're still running after the car, but wait, you can't run, and don't call on me to fly you there because I won't, so you're screwed dude.
(Skipping the repeating words here)
Can't erase, so I'll take blame
But I can't accept that we're estranged
Without you, without you
Are you writing this song with a pen? Switch to a pencil, you SHOULD take the blame because this song is ridiculous.
She probably has a restraining order on you so you're just wasting your time.
(Sighs) Ugh, do I really have to say it? Okay fine! You're a sad, lonely man with nothing to do who can't run, can't fly, can't really do anything because you're too busy complaining about how YOU MESSED UP. Get a life hombre. Seriously.
I won't soar, I won't climb
If you're not here, I'm paralyzed
Without you, without you
Again with the flying thing, dude, you just can't do it. You can't physically fly. Sure, airplanes but that doesn't really count. Don't call me, because I'll just drop your sorry ass into the Pacific. Climbing is overrated (especially when you can fly but since you can't do that...) No comment on the last part (offensive) and you are still lonely. Are you fucking kidding me! You're STILL alone? Just...just...I'm done here. Moving on.
Maroon 5, Payphone:
I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Okay so apparently somewhere on the West Coast of the United States is the last payphone in the world. Watch closely as Adam Lavine tries to put a quarter in it. (It doesn't work)
Where have the times gone? Baby, it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?
You missed your dinner reservations because you were too busy visiting the Telecommunications Museum that nobody goes to (because it doesn't exist).
Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember
The people we used to be.
It's even harder to picture,
That you're not here next to me.
Are you high? LSD? Marijuana? Do you live in the state of Washington? No? Then you have memory loss.
You say it's too late to make it,
But is it too late to try?
And in our time that you wasted
All of our bridges burned down
In the words of OneRepublic: "I want you to burn my bridges down, I want you to burn my bridges down, set me on fire!"
I've wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed.
Still stuck in that time
When we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise.
So, you got high, she punched you in the face, you can't move and you're in a Back to the Future movie playing dice with Chris Martin.
(Skipping chorus)
If "Happy Ever After" did exist,
I would still be holding you like this.
Wow, you're a buzzkill to my company. Thanks Adam. You're a real pal. Holding you like what? In a weird creepy way that causes you to cry.
(Skipping a few verses)
Yeah, yeah, now baby don't hang up,
So I can tell you what you need to know,
Baby I'm begging you just please don't go,
So I can tell you what you need to know
Too late, she's gone dude, while you were saying don't hang up, that's what she did. You just got disowned, dumped, bamboozled, in other words, you're a sad lonely man with nothing to do. Just like David Guetta and Usher. Go hang out with them.
That's all I got for today.
Remember, if you're alone because your girlfriend/boyfriend dumped you yesterday or because you're coming to terms with the fact that you're engaged (congratulations for those of you were are) then don't listen to music. Watch a movie instead. Or do anything except for
(Dodger comes in)
Dodger: Hey Panch, whatcha doing?
Finishing a blog post
Dodger: Oh, hey internet how's it hangin'?
Great, now say hello and then goodbye
(Dodger, being a dog, licks computer screen)
Gross
Dodger: Hey I'm a dog, what did you expect me to do?
(Sighs as if annoyed) Adios amigos.
-Panchito
P.S. I take suggestions for topics. My next topic will be books. (Paperback, Hardback, E-Books, Classic Books, Children's Books, YA, and of course, Fanfiction-about me)
See you then
:)
Yes, I will behave as if Panchito were a real person, even though I am fully aware that he is a cartoon character, I am behaving as if he exists. Putting acting skills in literary format. Thank you Stanislavsky! (The person who defined 'method acting' and is taught in every single acting class in the world). I am taking an acting class right now.
