Secret Heart, what are you made of?
What are you so afraid of?
Could it be three simple words,
Or the fear of being overheard?
What's wrong?
It'd be really awesome to say that I'm not nervous right now. It'd be even more awesome if I wasn't completely drained because of the excessive hair styling of Marco Del Rossi. It'd be even MORE awesome to say that I like boys. Gosh, WHY do I always have to say stuff like that in my head?...Why do I always have inner dialogue in my head?...Wait a second, is this normal? Should I get checked out?
"Hey Paige, ready for that interview I presume?" Speaking of checking out.
"Hey Alex. Yeah Hun, so ready." I said with a smile as she led me to that oh so infamous room from yesterday. It was nothing special, but it was more than I expected. The walls were painted that butter popcorn yellow and they went so far as to have a white picnic table set with an oddly misshapen couch thrown to the side of the far left wall. Alex seemed to be going back and forth in her mind about where we should sit when I decided to make up her mind for her. I was in no hurry to sit on a couch with her. Are you kidding? I'm having enough trouble as it is keeping my eyes locked with hers for longer than five seconds. She should really zip that ugly uniform up higher.
She took a moment to read over the 110 finished application I had handed her. She chuckled lightly as she skimmed over it and it made me wonder what was so funny. I decided it was best to ignore it, though. I took that moment to really look anywhere but at her, so I fumbled with my phone at my side checking for the umpteenth time that it was on silent. "1 new message" showed up and I pressed the center button reading "Wipe the drool off your chin!" Ah, Marco. I kept the eye roll to myself when another new message popped up. I opened it and smiled at the additional sentence. "PS: Hazel thinks you're sexy, but only when you have goldfish and coke to give her. She wrote the ending". My friends are so dumb. I snapped my phone shut as quietly as possible and looked up to see Alex smirking at me.
"Oh, sorry! Hi." I said nervously in response to her stare. She laughed lightly and held up the application next to her face for me to see with an amused smile.
"Pink writing?" What? What's wrong with that?
"Yeah…?" She nodded while slowly scooting back her seat causing it to grotesquely squeak in response. I scrunched up my face in disapproval of the sound and noticed Alex eyeing me as she slowly moved around me while practically undressing me with her eyes.
"Umm, is this standard procedure or something?" I asked thoroughly confused. This is so not even hot, this is just weird. She's not even looking like she's turned on, that's why. It's as if she's more like analyzing then removing clothes with her aleX-Ray vision. She laughed and leaned against the table slightly only about a foot away from my right side.
"Pink writing, pink necklace, pink jacket, pink shoes, and pink bag. What are you, obsessed with the colour?" Well isn't she rude!
"Was that rotation thing really necessary? Are you some type of human form of a vulture? 'Cause I'm alive and kicking, I'll have you know…in PINK pumps." I finished the end with a slight amount of arrogance. It just so happens pink is the official Paige colour. She keeps saying she knows me but honestly, who DOESN'T know this bit of information?
"So," she says breaking the not so tense silence as she leaned forward while flipping back and forth through my application, "you've had a job similar to this before?" I've noticed she always has to be fidgeting or doing something. She's pacing the room slowly in a business-like way and I automatically feel more relaxed. She's not a piece of attractive meat, she's an interviewer for a job I want. Plain and simple. Now, dazzle her with that dashing smile you stow away for people that need impressing and annoyingly flirtatious jocks.
"Right. I worked for my Mom a bit over the summer last year. She has this huge company, right? So she was all like, 'Paige. Work. Concession. Minimum wage.' And I was like, 'Sure Mom, I'd love to spend my summer vacation serving your uptight business partners lattes and skittles.'" …Wow. Did I really just say that? She looked at me with a side smile realizing that I was uncomfortable with my response.
"I mean, yes, I've worked a concession before." Big smile. She's looking at me confused and shakes her head at me. Can she see through me? Can she really tell that the smile she just witnessed was totally and completely fake? It always feels the same. Heavy on my cheeks and like my teeth are made of shiny plastic. People ALWAYS fall for it. Why was she reacting so strangely to it?
"Hmm, your hours seem to be typical of a high school student's. You and I have more or less the same ones, so if you start you'll mostly be working with either me or Amy." I prayed for the first of the two as I nodded with a small polite smile stuck on my face awaiting her approval. She kept flipping and flipping making an apparent show of studying my writing. After a few more minutes of standard procedure questions she finally set down the stack of papers with a flourish and smiled at me.
"Congratulations, Paige. You're hired!" I squealed and clapped like I always do whenever I'm childishly excited about getting my way and held out my hand to shake again.
"Thank you so much, Alex! I'm so in need of a job." She laughed at my display and slid her hand into my own. That same tingly warm sensation spread through me as I became only mildly aware of her mouth moving.
"No problem, Paige. Come over here, we'll sort out a work schedule." Oh, had she released my hand? How much time has passed? This is so embarrassing, I can hardly remember a thing of what just happened in God knows how much time.
"Do you do that often?"
"Huh?" I turn on her realizing she's at the couch looking expectantly at me.
"Get glossy eyes and goosebumps whenever you shake someone's hand?" And cue the fuchsia cheeks. This girl is not going to be easy on me, is she? I'm getting more confident around her and shrug slightly, trying my best to look as if I didn't know what she was talking about.
"No, Hun, I've just been in a bit of a funk these past couple of days. No biggie." She laughed slightly in disbelief.
"So it causes you to have a fever then too, huh? Because from where I'm standing every time I point something out to you your body likes to respond in the blushing variety. Or maybe you're just flushed?" Tease. Whatever, I roll my eyes unwilling to play her little game. I made a pact with myself long ago to never give in to pretty eyes and playful tones. It only causes trouble.
"Ok you got me, a slight virus might be in order. But I'll be able bodied and ready to work on," I peered over slightly to see the schedule she'd been writing up for me, "Monday at 6." Easy as pie. Why do I always get whatever I want?
"You might have to work with Amy that day…"
Except for having to destroy my brain cells with that waste of paint.
"…because my boyfriend is having some type of special race…"
And my current totally-not-a-crush's relationship status.
"…do you have one?"
And the unfortunate news of my hideous sexuality. Innocence, Paige. Innocence and charm.
"A race? Umm, no, can't say I'm into all of that near death experience in an over priced engine…" She laughed a little at that realizing my avoidance of the topic.
"No, silly, I meant a boyfriend. Do you have one?" Remember, Paige. On this question you don't make eye contact, you're cheeky, and your smile is very, very promising.
"Well no, too many things to do to have time to worry about a boy." Good. You're in a job atmosphere, she should appreciate the mature 'too busy for love' line. But one look at her tells me she doesn't buy it and has something else up her sleeve.
"Oh, so then, no girlfriend either?" AGH! Did she just say what I think she just said?! NO ONE has EVER asked me that before! She's on to me. Shit! I try my hardest not to register the shock on my face and laugh nervously trying to conceal my panic in a more snobbish way.
"What?! No, Hun, that's so not my thing. Girls are for friends, not for lovers." Hmm, that came out more convincing then I thought it would. She still doesn't look like she completely believes me, but she nods stiffly and hands me the times sheet. When I meet her eyes with my own I'm surprised to see, no, more like feel the wall she's put up now.
"Yeah, so, Amy tomorrow, me the rest of the week. I know you two don't get along so I tried to make it the most comfortable for you both." Still staring slightly dumbstruck with my mouth slightly ajar I regained my composure and nodded like an idiot.
"Right, right. And thank you for that." Again with her stiff nods and feet shuffling.
"Right…so…I have to get back to work…" Oh, right! She needs me to leave. I immediately get the hint as I move to gather my stuff.
"Ok! Thank you so much again, Alex. I can't tell you how much this means to me." When I turned back around though, she had left without my even hearing her. Odd. Although a part of me ((the part I tried to shut up on a constant basis)) wanted to go find her and tell her I was interested in girls and thank her for noticing, the more, or maybe less, logistical side of me told me to just move on. Pretty and sweet as she was, Alex was now officially my co-worker which meant strictly business from now on. As I flipped my phone open I began laughing at the insane amount of profane and vulgar text messages I had received from my bests during the interview. Pressing down on my speed dial number 4, I waited patiently for that familiar friendly Italian voice to answer on the other line.
"Hey Marco! What? Hazel? WHAT?! No I didn't…I did not!...Ok yeah Hazel making out with a girl from our school sounds totally in character for me. Look…would you just shut up! You! Marco! Coming over! NOW!" With that I hung up with an eye roll as my ears still rung from Hazel and Marco's loud accusations.
"Ok, let me get this straight. Oh, I mean, gay! Haha! Get it? Let me get this gay? Because you're not straight?" Marco and I shot an unimpressed look at Hazel as she self-consciously laughed at her own lame attempt at a joke. She shook us off and continued her pacing in front of the television. It's true, my hands were itching to get back into the intense battle of Mario Kart Marco and I were having, but Hazel insisted on getting us to pause for a quick summary of the story. Apparently I was too distracted and she couldn't focus with all of the out cries of victory or loss.
"Anyways, so she was coming on to you-"
"I could have been imagini-"
"SO SHE WAS COMING ON TO YOU," Hazel re-interrupted, "and you totally, completely, 100 shot her down? EVEN after she asked if you had a GIRLfriend?!" Hmm, it did kind of sound stupid when she put it like that. Then again, she just doesn't understand. I hadn't gotten to the most important part yet.
"Hazel…"
"No! No 'Hazel'! As the token straight girl in this little tripod I have to ask, what the hell is wrong with you, Paige?! I'm strictly dick and even I think she's hott!" A type of jealous anger at Hazel thinking Alex was attractive flashed in my gut momentarily before I caught myself.
"Haze. She has a boyfriend." Both Marco and Hazel were now looking at me with…what, remorse? It was sympathy, really. But I didn't want it. I suddenly became infuriated at the entire situation.
"No, you guys, seriously! Do NOT give me that look! This whole thing was pointless. Your little plan of getting me to open up about my…my sexuality or whatever? It's not EVER going to happen! After…After…" My voice wavered a bit from all of the honesty built up in my mouth, confused of where it was and why it was suddenly leaving it's beaten corner in the back of my head.
"After that one incident, I made a promise to myself and both of you were there. I will never, ever be in any type of romantic relationship with another girl ever again."
"But Paige…"
"No, Marco. It's over. Alex…Alex is just a girl I hardly know. Just a coworker. She's not and will not be anything more in my life, ok?" Both of my friends looked into their laps hopelessly. Whenever I got this way they knew there was no changing my mind. It was then I realized I had tired tears running cautiously down my cheeks. I wiped them away quietly and gave one loud sniff as I readjusted my position on the floor.
"Now Hazel, would you please be so kind as to move? It's time for Peach to kick Luigi's ass." I pretended not to notice Hazel and Marco's exchange of worried glances. She moved and we began to continue our game.
I felt it then, while I was speaking. I felt that wave of sorrow I tried so hard to block out. To most the fleeting relationship, if you can even call it that, wouldn't leave a scar. But it did for me. Every time her name was mentioned, every time anyone said anything involving her and her ex boyfriends, it killed me.
"What we're doing Paige, it's…it's disgusting! It's not even REAL! When are you going to see we were just an experimental fling?"
She was right. It does feel disgusting, but only when those vicious words are stuck to my subconscious. And we were nothing. She got over me so quickly, running into his arms immediately after. It should have been a lot of things it wasn't, and my romantic side wishes it could have been a lot of things it would've never been. My first love was more like my first loss. That empty feeling only grew hungrier and angrier as the months, and eventually years, passed by. I refused time and time again to indulge myself in a much needed flirt. Even fantasies were a dirty no-go in my mind. And even still, with all of this hidden pain and turmoil, I managed to pull through with a smile.
And Alex. Did she see? I presented that same smile for her. The one that says "Look at me, I'm the tip of the iceberg! But aren't I pretty? No need to go any deeper!" It was almost as though she saw that it was an act. An excruciating, weary act at that. Although every shield I had created was shaking in hostility at my next few thoughts, my heart finally got the best of me. It whispered, "Hey Paige, isn't she pretty? I think she likes you, I think you like her, and I'd love it if you'd get to know her better."
Authors Note: I'd like to announce that my little sister just performed a skit involving the two of our cats riding a rollercoaster thereby distracting me from updating this sooner. So in case you're upset with the time of the new chapter, it's all her fault (:
OH! And thanks for the reviews :D
