Koenma's Closet

A YYH crack-fic series by Yours Truly
Chapter 2: Hiei

There really wasn't anything stupider in Human World than the holidays, in Hiei's opinion. The crap weather that everybody ignored; the baseless, shit-eating euphoria of his friends; Kurama's moodiness? Ugh, shoot him now. These were especially annoying circumstances once he'd been roped into attending Genkai's Christmas party.

Yukina had apparently asked if he was going, and she seemed to be insisting to anyone who'd listen that they convince him to, if he wasn't already. This was an incredulous rumor that initially didn't sway him, but then she asked him directly and a "yes" just sort of fell out of his mouth.

"Well, then, you're going to do Secret Santa," Kurama told him. Before he could even say he didn't know what that was, a scrap of paper with Yukina's name was balanced delicately in the center of his chapped little hand. "Well great. Now, I not only must go, but I must make her happy with material items?!"

He was desperate enough to eavesdrop. I mean, moreso than usual, and on people that would otherwise make him want to hack off his own ears. "I don't know, some stone or jewel or something," his gravelly voice buzzed through the glass. "It can heal anything, even gets rid of period cramps. She was telling my sis about it and she said she seemed like super into it." Up until then, he had felt so undignified hanging around outside Kuwabara's bedroom window, but this was the tip he needed. "Ugh, but it's legendary. Lost. Somewhere in Makai. Ugh, I guess I could just get her some nice soap."

"Yes, that's right. You get her soap," he hissed. "Thinks he's gonna out-Santa me? Pah!"


He would find this jewel. And at the party, Yukina would open her gift from him and turn to jelly in front of everyone, and he would cackle, because usually he was clueless about how to please her, but this time he had done something right!

"Hiei, I don't think that's going to happen," Kurama told him, just before he dragged his tongue along the rim of his ice cream cone. He was dragging his spirits, too.

"Why the hell not?!" They were sitting on a bench at a park where Hiei had temporarily taken up residence, but he clearly didn't care at all who was listening. Kurama glanced around before he answered closer to his ear.

"I know the jewel she was talking about. It was seized by authorities in the Spirit World a long time ago and has a comparatively darker history than she's made out, or perhaps is even aware."

"Fine by me. Where can I steal it from?"

"In all likelihood, Koenma."

"Great. I've always wanted to steal from him again." Kurama shot him a side-long glance before licking tentatively. "Are you ever going to finish that?" He would have tried snatching up Kurama's ice cream by now but it was raspberry swirl. Fuck that shit.

"You're not stealing from Koenma." Hiei squished up his lips.

"You were all about it last time!"

"Last time I thought I'd be dead before I ever had to face the repercussions," Kurama admitted dryly. To his chagrin, another argument looked to be caught on Hiei's tongue. "If you even attempt to break into one of his vaults, I will personally come after you, and not to give you a measly parole sentence." Hiei's shoulders slumped. What a killjoy.


Only a night later, he was kicking back on a tree branch, brooding and all that, when Koenma's figure appeared floating in front of him. As he announced himself, Hiei almost fell out of the tree.

"A little birdie told me you're looking for something I'm certain is in my possession." A little birdie?! Oh right, it was the season of gossip too.

"And you came to boast about it," Hiei concluded.

"I came to say I'm not attached to the thing, and maybe, just maybe, I'd be willing to negotiate if you come by during my usual hours~~~!" A tense silence followed. This news should have pleased him, he was aware, but the way Koenma was chirping just didn't ring true.

"Why do you seem so excited about it?"

"I'm not excited. What makes you think I'm excited about anything? Perhaps I'm just swayed by the holiday spirit, hm? Should I expect you or not?"

He grumbled a yes, then promptly went to harass Kurama for interfering.


Try as he may to forget that he hated this place, he was reminded at every turn. It was nothing but a bustle of bureaucratic circle-jerking atop a cloud in the middle of nowhere. With a baby in charge. It always smelled like powder and sweat, and it was bright enough to induce migraines. That balloon-hatted twerp was obviously used to this as he welcomed him.

"Ahhh, Hiei, you've come at the perfect time. I'm about to take my lunch hour." He hopped out of his chair and was almost all the way out of the room before he realized his surly visitor was still hovering near his desk. "I don't have the thing up here, silly. Walk with me, talk with me," he told him, swishing his hand and carrying on, nose high. Hiei flashed his eyes practically to the top of his head before he followed.

There was plenty of walking, but talking? Hmmmph. Hiei would rather complain in his thoughts that it took so many stairs, elevators, and halls to reach Koenma's lunch spot. "Now, Hiei, I'm going to show you a very special place that few have ever seen. Considering your criminal status, I almost had the nerve to ask that you close your eyes before we enter, but... you'd probably just spy with your Jagan anyway. So I'm trusting you, you hear?!"

He did not know what to make of it. So he just didn't answer.

"Hmph, and anyway, I haven't had visitors in a while..." Koenma trailed. "Beggers can't be choosers."

"I could say the same!" He thought, with his brow beginning to bundle. By now, the true expanse of this cotton candy palace was grinding on his nerves more than it was impressing him. With exasperation, he searched for some indication of the floor they were on. "Ugh. Where are you taking me?" He finally grated.

"Relax. It's just around the corner."

Luckily, Koenma wasn't lying, but it seemed like he was at first sight. Hiei was nonplussed to find that they turned the corner of a long hall and came face to face with a snack machine beside a potted plant. The glare he was fixing on the back of his head didn't stop Koenma from approaching the machine with confidence and regality, as if there was nothing funny about it. "Don't tell me it's in there!" Hiei snarled.

Koenma dug through his pocket. Once he'd shot a smug smile over his shoulder, he poked a key into a tiny, camouflaged keyhole, waited for a "click", and guided the whole front of the machine aside like an old, clunky door. Even from the hall, Hiei could smell burning wax and something unbearably sweet inside, but he just crossed his arms and looked away. When Koenma cleared his throat to no effect, he puffed up and shouted: "I'M INVITING YOU INSIDE!"

"No, thank you. Go and get what I came for and stop wasting my time."

Koenma tilted his chin down to his chest and frowned so deeply he resembled a frog having truly murderous thoughts. The following came rumbling from the folds in his chin: "May I remind you that you came here to negotiate. And, so far, you are not doing it very well..."

Hiei seemed unswayed from his petulance, but as the tense seconds dragged on, he found he'd rather force himself to enter this bizarre chamber than prolong a stalemate. "There better be food in there," he thought.

He supposed if one were some vapid aristocrat that what was inside would be appealing. There was tacky-as-shit damask wallpaper and candelabras galore. The room housed Koenma's clothes, rack by rack by rack, almost like a shrine to them. They were even on display with back-lights. Some were fitted onto glass mannequins conspicuously shaped and gesturing like him.

Hiei caught his tired, sleep-deprived visage in the mirror ceiling and frowned at himself. He couldn't believe he was here. When he first heard about the jewel, he fantasized about adventure. He was ready to fight for it, deserve it. Drag his ass across the barren wastelands of Makai. Play hopscotch through cobwebs and booby traps. And hell, maybe cut off his own arm again. Cutting off Koenma's briefly brought a smile to his face.

"Please. Have some," he heard. He went back to frowning when he saw that Koenma had scaled a low-lying rack with a table on top decorated with candies. "Salted caramel? Chocolate-cherry truffel?" Koenma knelt doggy-style and leaned toward Hiei with the shiny wrapped sweets in his hands. Just to be a shit, Hiei swiped for something else without looking and shoved it in his mouth. In short time, his tastebuds were having an orgasm, and the signs of it that poked through his stubborn veneer were all too clear to his host. "You can have as much as you like. I'm never in short supply." Swift as a praying mantis, Hiei struck his hand for another, then another. "Such fast hands, my friend."

"We'r-not-frens," Hiei answered, muffled by a mouth full of truffel mush.

A condescending "tsk" passed Koenma's lips. "Hmph, well. That's the beauty of a deal. We don't have to be."

He smiled with his eyes half closed, then glided down the side of the rack like it was a fireman's pole. Hiei's lack of enthusiasm was not going to keep him from approaching the drawer where the jewel was stashed and wafting his hand in suspense over the delicate silver latch.

Inside was nothing of particular charm. It was kind of gross looking, actually, like it had absorbed all of the ailments it had ever treated and was now fogged with auras of despair. It was like if opal got flushed down the toilet, maybe. Koenma's eyebrow kept twitching provocatively while a wave of raw confusion washed over Hiei, about why Yukina would ever want this. She was a fine healer. She wouldn't wear it, would she? He popped another caramel in his mouth before he took out a sticky from his cloak with Kurama's bank account number on it. "How much do you want?"

"A very generous payment, you can imagine."

"No skin off my nose," he thought, scribbling all the preliminary details onto a check.

"An item this precious... I'd say twenty spankings will do it."

Hiei looked up. "What?!"

"Twenty spankings?"

"What the fuck kind of currency is that?"

"The only currency that makes a difference, here. Should I find you a chair?"

"Are you out of your mind? I'm not going to spank you." For a moment, Koenma pursed his lips in frustration, but he knew he had all the ammo to make this happen.

"Don't look so surprised, Hiei. You think I don't know... your... full...history?" Every word was followed by a jiggle of his eyebrows.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, I think you do."

"No. I really don't."

"Hmph. I thought a demon like you would want to flaunt it around if you were a spankmaster."

"What did you call me?"

"A spankmaster," he repeated, matter-of-factly. Hiei's eye began to twitch. "Sheesh, everyone thinks they have to be so prudish around me." With something resembling zeal, Koenma went skittering to find a stool tucked away in an alcove full of hats. It was evidently a heavy stool, as he heaved the weight of his body against it, only to have it screech across the wood floor several feet at a time.

"I've – ugh! – been around the block, Hiei. Enough blocks to know – ugghh! – there's a fair amount of trades in the underworld, some only a few per millenium have the discipline to learn. I also know about a rumored dimension where spanking is all there is, where there is nothing but hands spanking each other. As their language of love, their language of war!" Koenma rose both his hands above his head. "And everything in between." He clapped them together and laced his fingers. "Any master had to have been there to truly be fluent." By now, all of Hiei's candy wrappers had crumpled into balls inside his fists. Because Koenma enjoyed the torture of making him rigid, Hiei began to drag his feet forward, entranced by his desire to strangle him. Koenma wasn't afraid. He climbed up the stool and stood on his tie-toes.

"I'd read things about you when you first stole from that vault and caused me all that trouble... Things that didn't add up. I remember you clutching your arm during my sentencing." He pointed to the one that wasn't bandaged. "Yes, that one. The one hiding in plain sight, its ordeals forever understated. But when you mastered the dragon, I knew you were reaching into other dimensions. Summoning dragons with one hand... fluent in a sensual-uh, tongue-uh lost to the ages with the other..."

They were almost bumping noses when Hiei erupted. "ALRIGHT, so it's true! But I'm not spanking you!"

"Then you won't get the jewel."

"Oh, come on!"

"You come on! I've been waiting centuries for a spankmaster!"

"Wait a few more. I'm not doing it." The outrage of having not gotten his way flushed a deep hue of pink in and out of Koenma's cheeks before he grew smug again. He even climbed off the stool and went to powder his nose at the nearest vanity.

"Oh, I see. You've lost your touch," he concluded. Hiei crossed his arms and didn't bother to look at him.

"I'll let you think that."

"No one to practice on, huh?"

"That is none of your business."

"What a shame. So young and already past your prime."

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP ALREADY?!" It was hard to admit this to someone who was now combing their delicate head of hair with a fine-toothed baby comb, but Hiei was left with no choice. He looked away dramatically. "I made a promise to someone... that I'd never spank anyone but them." All in a second, Koenma whipped around with his hands on his hips.

"Oh, pfffff! You mean to tell me that, right now, the only thing between your hand and my ass is a promise? What are promises in here, anyway?! You need the jewel for someone special, and besides: why would I admit to anyone I brought an ashy-cheeked urchin in here to man-handle me?" It was true: Koenma would never stand by his shit, and this was shit so lowly even Hiei wasn't expecting it. Calling him an urchin had sort of hurt his feelings, though.

Koenma was not in the mood to let him pout over what a shameful dilemma he was in for long. He took out his pocket watch and tapped the glass with a grumble: "my lunch hour is just about up and you've wasted almost all of it. I'm surprised at you, Hiei. Everyone who's ever had the honor of being in this room, and offered the indulgences they'd long been seeking, has paid in spankings... no question! But if you're too much of a pussy to follow suit-"

"What?! Never! BEND OVER."

The moment he dropped his drawers, he was whipped onto Hiei's knee and swallowed by his heart's desire. The pounding of his palms against his rump was unimaginably rhythmic and poetic. Koenma felt like an instrument of flesh that Hiei played vigorously. If it had been caught in slow motion, surely his cheeks must have been morphing shapes like molton wax in a lava lamp.

Before long, Hiei's hand was glowing from impact! He had easily passed twenty slaps but fell into such a frenzy he never stopped. Just as the dragon claimed him, so too did the Spirit of Spanking bare this unknown concierto from his soul.

Koenma could only gasp in sentence fragments that he wanted the butt-plug stowed away in a nearby drawer. When Hiei got the jist of it, he threw the tot to the floor and yanked off his belt in one swift motion. All in an instant, his trousers hit his ankles and Koenma was kneeling in his shadow. Choking on his breath, Koenma turned to gaze into his glowing, red eyes, knowing very well he was at his mercy. Then he beheld his cock. It was hanging like a rifle pouch halfway down his knees.

"HOLY SHIT," he screamed.

"Yeah. That's what they all say," Hiei growled back, before he repeatedly cock-slapped him to his heart's content. Only when Koenma was begging for it did he plunge it deep into his ass.

As fate would have it, "I Wanna Know What Love Is" blasted from the intercom. Koenma was making sounds he'd never heard from himself before, speaking strange words of lust, making marriage proposals – even with half his face smooshed into the rug. He let his lover turn him over and over like a well-done pancake on a hot stove, until the burning surge of his love-syrup ignited his prostate and set it off like a firework.

Meanwhile, all Hiei could think was that he was glad he'd finally conquered this brat, more or less.

Not ten seconds after he climaxed, Hiei stood up to dress. He scooped up the jewel. Then he threw a short glance at Koenma, who'd pulled part of the rug over himself like a blanket and was taking imaginary puffs at a candy cigarette. He was closing his eyes in afterglow, so he didn't much notice Hiei had swiped up the box beside him and left.

Outside of the closet, Botan was ramming the snack machine, trying to get her Corn Nuts unstuck from the guard. Just as she really threw her weight into it, the machine swung open and smacked her in the face. Dumbstruck, she held her nose and watched Hiei hop gracefully to the ground. He nibbled his own cigarette and passed her like nothing abnormal had happened before finding his way out.