Chapter 2
As it happened, the rest of the day passed by without incident. There were the usual mutterings from colleagues about the shocking lack of preparation this year's batch of students seemed to be showing towards their exams, and there were the usual cliques of sixthformers who huddled around corners of the campus and common room either frantically cramming, or nervously chattering, or for those who had finished, just idly lazing around watching the world go by. But there'd been no further sightings of Tilly – a fact which made Jen feel both relieved and disappointed, and which meant that, as Jen stayed back at the end of the day to catch up on marking, yet again, Tilly was the only subject that seemed to occupy her thoughts. Jen wondered how she'd done in her exams – she knew it was the day of her final exam. She supposed Tilly would be going out partying with everyone later – that's what Sinead had been planning on doing when she'd been negotiating with Diane how late she was allowed to stay out until. Jen sighed. It wasn't that long ago that she'd been doing the same thing. She could remember that carefree feeling of weightlessness when the world was exciting and full of opportunity and everyone collectively felt their life stretching forward in warm, sunlit days, for eternity. They'd all felt so free, so invincible. She missed that feeling.
Actually, when she thought about it, Tilly was almost seventeen – there was only around five years between them. In any other circumstance, even in just a couple of years' time, no one would be the slightest bit bothered about their union – apart from the usual raised eyebrow or bigotry about them being two women. Anyway, age wasn't something that had ever really mattered to Jen. No, the problem was the student – teacher dynamic. She was very aware of her role and its responsibility and hated the thought that she might be perceived as abusing a position of power and trust... But even that seemed ridiculous, come to think of it. Tilly was a true independent thinker; strong, hard-working and intelligent, who knew her own mind and wasn't scared about showing it – which was more than Jen could say about friends her own age, and her ex. The only 'abuse' Tilly could possibly level at Jen was her abuse of Tilly's trust – but her trust that Jen would stay true to her feelings for her and bravely stand against convention in order to be honest about it. Jen winced when she thought of all the times she'd led her on in the belief that she would stay true to their relationship and keep it safe, when in fact, at the slightest difficulty, she'd ditched it and bailed out. She was such a coward, she knew. Tilly was, ironically, the mature one of the two of them.
Jen sighed again and flexed her fingers, a stray wisp of dark-brown hair falling across the side of her face, as she marked the last piece of coursework from the pile. Absent-mindedly, she pushed her hair back behind an ear before rising from the wooden chair, and started to clear everything away.
It was late again when she locked up and made her way back to Diane's flat from college. She was trying to save on petrol money which was why she was walking everywhere, and the campus was well-lit and open and felt perfectly safe, so she wasn't worried any more than instinct told her to be, and she had her spray in her bag and phone to hand anyway, just in case. She was thinking over the quality of the coursework she'd received and marked, marvelling at Bart's portfolio while she was walking, so she didn't see the figure at first, and when she did realise, it was too late to make a quick escape or divert her route home.
Tilly was sitting on the low wall to the side of the path leading into the village centre – the path Jen was walking down – and she now had no option but to continue past her in order to get to Diane's. To stop and turn back would be too obvious now, like making a major statement of insult, and in any case it would add, probably, an extra half an hour onto her journey time. No, there was nothing for it but to bite the bullet and continue. Act normal, Jen told herself, her heart in her mouth, fighting to burst out. Calm down...
Fighting the conflicting emotions within her, at every step forward she made, Jen marched onwards, outwardly appearing determined, controlled: steadfast. Yet every step she took towards Tilly felt more shaky than the last. As she neared her she deliberated whether to speed up or slow down. She expected Tilly to look up; to perhaps have already seen her; know she was there. But Tilly was so deeply in thought, staring at the ground between her feet, that a train could have steamed by and she'd have been none the wiser. Reluctantly, Jen realised, any first contact was going to have to come from her.
She neared. Still Tilly didn't look up at her. She stopped just in front of her. Still Tilly didn't look, didn't even seem aware of anyone nearby; she seemed so lost, so far away. Jen fought the urge to scoop her up in her arms and tell her she was loved and always would be. Instead, nervously, tentatively, Jen cleared her throat and spoke. "Hi Tilly." Still there was no response. "Tilly? Tilly, are you ok?" Jen moved in closer as she said the words and bent down towards her. "Tilly, it's me. It's J – "
"I know" the younger woman interrupted her quietly, simply. She looked up then, and Jen could see that she'd been crying. "I know, Jen. I'm fine. Thanks anyway." Then she looked away, her rosebud mouth fixed in place, her eyes hard.
Tilly's controlled, distant response threw Jen momentarily and she stood there doubtful of what to do next. So she sat down on the wall beside her, cautiously turning to look at her delicate profile. Keep it light. She told herself, and began again: "Well today's been another busy day, hasn't it? I bet you've had enough of all that studying, hey?" Tilly didn't respond; didn't even shrug. Jen tried again. "Bart's portfolio is amazing... I marked it today. He's looking at top marks, but it's no surprise really; he's really talented."
Looking down at the floor again, Tilly muttered a polite "Wow that's good for him" but didn't offer anything more.
"So how did your exams go? It was your last one today wasn't it? Are you going out celebrating?" Jen asked, smiling, her eyes searching Tilly's face for any kind of expression. It was as if she had just given up: Jen had never seen her like this before. She was starting to feel really worried about her. "Tilly – " she started, then stopped. There was just too much to say, and she was scared of saying the wrong thing. "Tilly, I – " she began again, hesitating.
"What do you want Jen?" Tilly looked up again; looked directly into her eyes; her tone business-like, almost cutting.
Once again her directness unbalanced Jen, who stumbled the beginning of a reply, her heart thudding from the clear tension between them, made worse because they were sitting there so near to each other. "I'm... I just... Oh Tilly!" she gave up.
"Well then, I guess I'd better get going" came Tilly's reply and with that, she stood up and turned to walk away.
"Tilly – " Jen spoke quietly. Tilly stopped, waiting, her back still towards Jen. Then she began to walk away. "Tilly, please!.." Jen called out. It was the urgency in her voice that made Tilly stop again and this time turn round to face her.
Tilly didn't recognise her own voice replying: it was so cold. "What's the point Jen? Really? It's always going to be the same old story. Every time it gets difficult, or something gets in the way, like your big glittering career, you're always going to bail out. And leave me on my own to pick up the pieces, all over again. So really, what's the point? Don't you think I've had enough of that?"
Jen's deep hazel eyes had darkened to near-black under the street lighting that had come on as the sun set lower and lower in the pink and orange sky. Now, in response to Tilly's words, they seemed to shine a fiery glint – of desperation perhaps? Or hurt? Tilly couldn't tell which. But whatever emotion they were betraying, they had an immediate effect on her. She saw how they searched her face, her own emerald eyes, and she saw how much longing there was deep within them, like bottomless, soulful pools she could so easily drown in... She felt dazed, wounded; ashamed of being so cold when Jen had only been friendly.
"I'm so sorry Tilly" Jen was saying; her words were barely audible, they were so quiet. Her voice cracked and she didn't even attempt to wipe away a tear when it fell onto her cheek. "I never wanted to hurt you, you mean too much to me... But I don't blame you for hating me." With that, she looked away, as if disgusted with herself, down at her hands which were restlessly picking at the hem of her top that lay across her lap.
Tilly felt herself melt a little. For a minute nothing was said, although a world of unspoken words seemed to hang heavily in the air between them. Then Tilly looked down too, mirroring Jen, who looked utterly miserable. The younger woman nudged a small stone away with her foot and then shot a glance across at the older brunette who was still staring sadly at her hands. Yes, Tilly could see that Jen was suffering too, and her heart reached out to her: she didn't want that. It wasn't Jen's fault that she was her tutor; Jen didn't want any of this, just as much as she herself didn't. She cleared her throat. "I don't hate you" she replied quietly. Then she made a decision. She took a deep breath. There was something she needed Jen to know. "I miss you" she stated simply, decisively. "I really, really miss you." She paused briefly, before earnestly continuing. "...This is killing me Jen. Every time I think I'm dealing with it okay and I've got used to it, I see you and I just want you all over again..."
Jen looked at her then. Her eyes, still soulful, still longing, seemed more at peace somehow. She gave Tilly a faint smile. "What are we like eh? My dad would say we need our heads knocking together." Tilly smiled. Jen sighed. "I can't do this anymore Tilly, I've got no fight left." She shrugged. She was looking directly at the younger woman now, her upturned face catching the light from the street lamp; her hazel eyes reflecting what was left of the sunset.
For a moment they just looked at each other. Then Tilly moved in closer, so that she was almost standing over Jen, who didn't make any attempt to move away or stand up; so that she was looking down at the brunette's upturned face and hazel eyes as Jen continued, not wanting to hold back anymore. "The truth is, its been the same for me... When I saw you this morning it brought it all back to me, yet again... Just how much you mean to me... How much I always want to touch you. Every time I see you it hurts... in here..." Jen pressed her hand against her heart. "...and then I can't think of anything else for the rest of the day, or night..." she trailed off, her voice starting to crack again.
And then it happened.
It was so simple that it made everything, their separation over the past weeks; their heartache, seem so clumsy, so complicated – unnecessarily so. It was simple, and pure, and it felt so powerful, so tender, and so right.
Tilly simply bent down and kissed her.
There was no resistance: Jen wanted it, needed it, just as much as Tilly did. The first contact felt electrifying to both of them; their lips were two sets of matching silk, both adoringly soft, sweet, but both surprisingly firm and determined, as the physical hunger both women felt for each other gave both of them an instinctive urgency, almost desperate in its need to touch, to taste... That first kiss, soulful, searching, led to many more, all of them equally earnest and searching; powerful and impatient but tender too. Both women instinctively reached for each other, holding each other's head so, so gently in their hands as if it was a treasure worth more than all the world; fingers and thumbs gently tracing rhythmical patterns, wave-like, across jaw lines and cheek bones, without breaking the connection of lips at all. After the first kiss they parted their lips to taste each other, for the first time giving in to the passion of the moment to explore the other's sweetness, which only made them hunger for more. It truly felt to them as if time had stopped still, like someone pressing pause on the world surrounding them, when the only thing they were remotely aware of was each other and the riot of emotions and sensations they were sharing together. All the hurt of separation, all the doubts of their situation, simply melted away and they felt, together, as though they moved as one person, one entity, one soul...
It was many minutes until they paused to catch their breath, by which time Jen had pulled Tilly towards her, into her, and onto her knee, her fingers tracing gentle dance patterns through the younger woman's hair, a look of fascinated wonder on her face as she watched the way the auburn thickness fell around her fingertips in its own seductive dance. As their lips pulled apart, both women smiled and relaxed into each other, all the tension of the past weeks, months, slipping away; the previous etched lines across Jen's eyes and mouth already smoothing out... Tilly carefully traced her fingers along Jen's slightly parted lips, as if drawing them, echoing Jen's sketch of Tilly's mouth that day at the hospital, which seemed so very long ago, and Jen shuddered slightly, almost imperceptibly, in response. Her breath was heavy and thick as she began to kiss Tilly's fingers while they brushed across her mouth and Tilly smiled and looked at Jen, searching out her eyes again. "So, Miss Gilmore, how would you grade that, hmm? Any better than the woeful six out of ten you graded our kiss on the beach, eh?"
Jen's smile widened. She loved it when Tilly teased her, full of confidence and energy and life. It made her want to throw her arms around her and squeeze her until she begged for release. She pretended to give the question some profound thought, resting her chin on the top of her closed fist like Rodin's statue of The Thinker she liked so much, and Tilly waited, smiling, with a look of mock haughtiness on her face, unable momentarily to tear her eyes away from Jen's smiling mouth, which she honestly believed she could kiss for eternity.
"Hmm..." Jen teased. "Let me think..." She winked at Tilly, who promptly slapped her arm lightly, in protest for the teasing. "Ah yes... I would grade that at... a... twenty out of ten? Perhaps more?" She smiled again and pulled her into her, suddenly needing to taste her again. But Tilly resisted, pushing her away, teasing, laughing.
"Oh very generous marking Miss Gilmore. I seem to have made certain... improvements then?" Jen grinned and pulled her in towards herself again. Laughing, Tilly added: "So... what targets would you give me, to achieve my full potential?"
Impatient and hungry for her now, Jen murmured in response: "To keep practising your technique... perhaps now!" and Tilly had absolutely no problem with that.
