Awesome!(My exact words after checking my stats. Heh) One of my biggest fears about posting my story was that no one would find it funny, but you guys liked it. You really liked it! I want to thank and address every one of my reviewers personally(and since there's so few of them I can do that, but not here. I always hated having to scroll past that so check the bottom of the fic).
Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto I'd devote an entire volume to SasuSaku love(and sex for us older fans), but damn it all! I don't!
Kakashi folded back the corner of his page and closed his book. "How long have they been waiting?" Pushing back his sleeve to glance at his wrist watch he discovered that so far Team 7 had not moved from the bridge in and were waiting for him for approximately one hour, twenty-two minutes, and seventeen seconds. "I still have a good hour and a half to kill." And if he got to a particularly interesting chapter he'd add another hour to that. With that decided he opened his book and continued reading when Jiraiya appeared with a loud poof and a ton of smoke.
"Kakashi how long has your team been down there?" Jiraiya asked, hooking a thumb in the bridge's direction where Team 7 could be faintly seen.
"I have at least two hours." He replied never glancing away from his book. "What do you want?" Jiraiya grinned broadly before proudly displaying a still vacuum sealed DVD. It was the next installment of the Icha Icha Paradise series with thirty minutes of deleted scenes not seen in the movies. Kakashi's book and jaw dropped. "That-"
"Isn't set to premiere in theatres for another two months, I know. Only three copies of this movie were made in advance on DVD and I own two. I might be willing to part with this one if you'll-"
"Anything."
"Just what I wanted to hear. Bring Naruto and Sasuke here after training and I'll explain the details." Jiraiya left with another loud poof.
"Kakashi-sensei, what does that ero-sannin want with us?" Kakashi mentally groaned. This was the tenth time that Naruto had asked that.
Outwardly he calmly said, "As I have said for the past thirty minutes, I don't know." As an afterthought he added a little more to keep the chunnin from asking again. "Maybe he wants you two to model the next cover in order to attract more female readers."
Naruto cackled loudly and prodded his teammate's head with his elbow several times. "Ne, ne the only reader's you'll attract are homosexuals. Sasuke-teme's too pretty to be a guy."
"Why are you laughing you giggling idiot!" Before Sasuke could deliver a blow of his own Naruto pitched over with a knot forming on the back of his head. "You're both disgraces to men!" Snickering, Kakashi pocketed his book in order to give the verbal abuse Jiraiya was dealing the two chunnins his full attention. "Sorry excuses for testosterone driven teenagers! Kakashi and I are ashamed to call you two our students!"
Actually Kakashi wasn't even sure if Sasuke was still listening. The boy's face was as expressionless as a marble slab. Naruto, on the other hand, looked ready to explode with an insulting 'Ero-sannin!'
"Virgins!" Jiraiya spat the word out. "The both of you!" Naruto's explosion could no longer be contained.
"Ero-sannin-ack!" He ducked and Sasuke caught it millimeters from his face, but they were both left looking confused at the small object Jiraiya had thrown at them. "What is this?" If Naruto didn't know any better he would had sworn that it was-
"It's a condom, dobe."
"So who gets who?" Kakashi asked watching his students walk away. Sasuke walked with a slow and calm gait, his hands stuffed in his pockets, and his face as stony as ever. Kakashi suspected that he was boiling with rage and embarrassment on the inside. Naruto stomped every step while screaming all the oaths he knew, along with a few made up on the spot, at the top of his lungs.
"Hhmm." Jiraiya cradled his jaw in his hand and scratched his chin. "To be fair since they were initially your students you should get first pick." A wicked grin crossed his face. "But I'm not fair. I claim Naruto!" A loud poof and more smoke and he was gone before Kakashi could protest.
"That means that I get Sasuke." His Icha Icha Paradise movie was riding on a human ice cube with a nonexistent libido. Did that boy even have hormones? Was he attracted to girls? "Damn."
"I can't believe ero-sannin! Or Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto paused to consider his words. "No, wait. Yes I can believe them. I can do it very easily, but…." He wrapped his fingers around the cloth of Sasuke's shirt and proceeded to shake the Uchiha prodigy. "What do we do, Sasuke-teme!" Their conditions had been to find a girl willing to sleep with them and to not bother coming back for training until they had. "We can't just walk up to a girl and say 'Let's have sex so my sensei will train m-" Sasuke clamped a hand over Naruto's mouth.
"I don't know, dobe." The constant chattering and shaking had plucked Sasuke's last nerve "And there is no we. We've been given the same 'mission', but we are not doing it together." Sasuke released his teammate, spun on his heel, and walked away.
"Ne, Sasuke-teme, two heads are better-"
Sasuke stopped in his tracks and looked back wondering why Naruto had abruptly stopped talking. "Naruto?" The blond ninja was gone. Odd. Why would he teleport in the middle of a sentence? "Not my problem."
After resigning himself to the fact that in order to win Sasuke had to get some, Kakashi decided to make the best of this. It was scientifically impossible for Sasuke to not have hormones. The problem was that his needed a little jump start and Kakashi was going to give him one even if had to kidnap Sasuke, duck tape him to a chair, and force feed him the previous Icha Icha Paradise movies. All he had to do now was find the self claimed avenger.
"No! You can't make me!" Kakashi blinked once. Twice. "I won't do it!" Naruto screamed, digging his heels into the ground. Jiraiya's deathlock on his arms didn't loosen and he continued to pull his student despite the slight resistance.
"Huh." Apparently he wasn't the only one planning to kick hormones into action, but poor Naruto. Jiraiya was playing hard ball.
"It's for your own good, boy." Jiraiya gritted his teeth and gave an extra hard tug completely dragging Naruto into Konoha's best, and possibly only, brothel. "You'll thank me for this one day."
"No. I won't betray my Hinata-chan!" Naruto twisted his arms free and bolted for the door just to crash into it as it opened. "You're in on this too!" He pointed an accusing finger at Kakashi, who had only wandered in because watching Jiraiya try to force the virginity out of Naruto was just something he didn't want to miss. "Well it won't work! You can't make me betray her either." Kakashi stepped away from the opened door to give Naruto a path to bolt a second time. Jiraiya tackled him before he reached the door frame. "No! Hinata-chan help!" Kakashi watched as Jiraiya turned to the stunned workers and assured them that as a first timer, Naruto was just nervous. Unfortunately, with his attention elsewhere he didn't hear his flailing pupil, wrapped tightly in his arms, call out his infamous jutsu. "Sexy no Jutsu!"
"She seems fine to me." An attendant commented.
"She?" Jiraiya turned back to Naruto to find him replaced with a very blond, very beautiful, and very naked young girl. "Gah!" Kakashi knew Naruko when he saw her and he was also very much aware that she was actually Naruto using a jutsu. Jiraiya had known Naruto for years, had even had the jutsu applied to him on several occasions, so it was impossible for him to not be familiar with the fox boy's gender bendering skill. He still, none the less, fell victim to it. In the 1.2 seconds his grip had loosened in surprise Naruko wriggled free and ran for the safety of the confines of the brothel. Kakashi congratulated her on using her brains for once. Jiraiya was the Hokage of perverts and for anyone who knew that outsmarting him wasn't terribly hard. As long as Naruko remained hidden among the prostitutes Jiraiya wouldn't find her and she could escape the brothel with her virginity intact.
"You do know that the only person he'd willingly sleep with right now is Hyuuga Hinata, right?" Not one to admit defeat Jiraiya announced his new plan.
"Then I'll just get Hina-" He trailed off at the shaking of Kakashi's head. "I won't?" The silver haired jounin raised his index finger.
"One: As you have just seen, Naruto has morals. He would never sleep with Hinata because we're withholding training until he does get laid." He raised his next finger to join the first. "Two: Even if Naruto were to sleep with her under his own violation he wouldn't live long enough to repeat the act. Were he to deflower Hinata outside of marriage the Hyuugas would kill him." He raised a third and final finger. "Three: Hyuuga Neji has the mother of all sister complexes. He'll murder Naruto and you or at least try to pretty damn hard."
Jiraiya summed up his luck in one word, "Shit."
"Freedom!" Naruko yelled, busting out the back doors of the brothel before proceeding to practically skip joyously down the street and far away from the living nightmare. So happy was she that she totally forgot to release the jutsu. "I'm still a virgin!"
A passerby took one look at Naruko's naked form and thought, "Yeah right!"
"Hhmm, I could use some ramen right now." Actually her philosophy was anytime was good for ramen, but right now was an especially good time. She had, after all, just escaped death or something quite like it. She did really need her comfort food. "Ramen and Hinata-chan. Nothing better than those two in the world." And who should come across her path to Ichiraku but Hinata herself? "Hinata-chan!" Face visibly brightening, Naruko ran the timid girl down and crushed her to a plush chest in a tight hug. "Oh Hinata-chan, you don't know how happy I am to see you." Naruko gushed swinging the poor heiress to and fro in the bear hug. "You wouldn't believe what ero-sannin tried to do… Well maybe you would-" Hinata hadn't heard a word. All her world consisted of were the soft bare breast her face was nestled on. In other words she had been scared witless. "-but I wouldn't do it because I love my Hinata-chan!" Naruko finished with a content sigh. She then leaned down to place a kiss on her girlfriend's lips. Hinata snapped out of her stupor before contact was made and screamed bloody murder. "Eh?" Naruko recoiled in shock. "What's wrong?" At that moment the poor girl blacked out. "Ah! Hinata-chan, wake-" Naruko's words caught in her throat as she stared at the hands holding the Hyuuga heiress. They were small, smooth, and soft. Just like a woman's hands. "I'm so stupid." He quickly dispelled his jutsu and gently shook Hinata.
"Naruto." Said boy nearly dropped the girl in his arms from the sheer amount of bloodlust he could feel radiating from behind him. "You have five seconds to remove your hands before I snap them off at the elbow." Dread mounting the blond ninja turned his head.
"Ne-Neji." The Hyuuga prodigy had a glare fierce enough to drop birds out of the sky and his veins stood out against the sides of his head. "It isn't what it looks like." Naruto said desperately.
Neji's Byakukan gaze hardened. "It looks like you're taking advantage of her in her sleep. Tell me Naruto, if you're not groping Hinata-sama's breasts what are you doing?"
"Huh?" Naruto looked down genuinely surprised to see one of his hands planted firmly on Hinata's chest. "I-I wasn't… I didn't mean…" Racking his brain Naruto found the cause to his deadly outcome. Just moments ago he'd almost dropped his girlfriend and in his scramble to catch her certain appendages touched and remained on places he was never meant to feel. At least not yet. "There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. See I was naked-Ack!" Naruto slapped a hand over his mouth realizing that that was the worst possible thing he could say. "No! I mean-" Too late. The damage had been done. Neji was livid. "Neji, listen! Jiraiya gave me a condom and-"
"You are within my field of divination." He said preparing to use the 64 hands of Hakke. Naruto started shaking.
Kakashi whirled around facing the direction of Ichiraku wondering if he had heard right. The most agonized scream had come from that vicinity if his ears weren't failing him. "They must have run out of ramen." The scream did sound an awfully lot like Naruto so it was a reasonable explanation. "That boy needs to find another favorite food." Kakashi muttered, continuing his trek. Mentally preparing himself for the fight he may have on his hands he stopped at his destination and knocked on Sasuke's apartment door. "Yo. Sasuke." He only had to knock twice before the door swung open.
"I've been expecting you." Kakashi's visible brow rose in question. "Here." Sasuke stuck his fist out the doorway and uncurled his fingers. Sitting innocently in the palm of his hand was an unopened condom. "Sakura didn't want to use it." He said as his teacher, shocked out of his mind, plucked the condom from his hand. "She thinks since I haven't worn one before in the past three months there's no point to having protected sex now." He smirked. "I do have a clan to restore." He then closed the door leaving the jounin to stare at the wood.
"Did he buy it?" Sakura asked once Sasuke rejoined her on the couch.
"Hn." He grunted, lying down to rest his head on her lap.
"I can't believe those perverts." She hissed, running her fingers through his raven hair.
"Yes you can." Sasuke mumbled letting her ministrations lull him to sleep. Neither he nor Sakura had actually had sex. They had only started dating three months ago, but it was a nice ruse to get Kakashi to leave him alone. Besides, they weren't ready to go that for or have kids. Which was just as well because Sasuke had no desire to share his Sakura with any little bogger eater's right now. The clan could wait.
"Liars." Kakashi scoffed, pulling his ear away from the door's surface. "But if Sasuke wants to go with that story it's fine by me." He stowed the condom away in his pocket, pulled out his copy of Icha Icha Paradise, strolled off to find one frog hermit. What Jiraiya didn't know got Kakashi the next Icha Icha Paradise movie two months in advance with deleted scenes on DVD.
fin
Wheee! I finished! I don't know why this took me so long to transfer from paper to computer. I'm not really a slow typer…It must be my short attention span or maybe it could be the Eldest! Some may disagree but I think it and it's predecessor Eragon easily thump Harry Potter(especially after the Half Blood Prince, but I think I'm just biased because my ship was cruelly and coldheartedly sunk). When I got to those last few chapters and found out about Eragon and Murtagh's relationship it was just.. Wow! Slight Spoiler Warning(for those who like this series) Totally blew me away, what a plot twist that was, never saw it coming although I never for a second believed that the Urgals killed Murtagh and the Twins in the first chapter.
Preview
: Uchiha Sasuke soon discovers that when his two year old son wants his attention not even preparation for an A-ranked ANBU mission will stop him from getting it. WARNING: I think this came out more fluff than funny.Preview
: When it is discovered that the Uchihas lied about their so-called mission seven month pregnant Uzumaki-Hyuuga Hinata is left wondering why she and her husband are babysitting their four year old godson. When the youngest Uchiha supplies the answer they learn that kids really do say the darnest things. WARNING: This whole fic revolves around telling a perverted joke. I'll try my hardest to make sure it's funny.Expect one, if not both, of these fics to be out during this three day weekend.
To: MissxRae. I'm glad that I could provide you with so much humor. I hope you find this chapter just as funny.
IQSymphic
. You are very much welcomed and sorry about being in such a bad place for reading something funny. I know the feeling. This one had a giggle fit during a test that decided whether or not I passed the class.Gwynu
. I'm more afraid for Sakura. Imagine living knowing that your pervert of a teacher is stalking you at some point of the day just waiting to take pictures of you in your most embarrassing and private moments. Hey idea! Thanks for giving it to me.Mako Red Eyes
. Thank you. I try and for being the totally amazing sensei he is Kakashi deserves tons of hugs!XyoushaX
. Aa, it was so perverted because I am in fact a big pervert, but I'm the closet kind so… Shhh! No one who actually knows me is aware of this. It's my own dirty little secret.Pei-chan
. I must say that as my very first reviewer you brought the most joy(but I love you all equally). I thank you for LYFAO at my fic.Please enjoy this next installment everyone and review if you want. I get so pumped whenever I read one. Makes me wanna glue my butt to a chair and type away.
