Waiting for Change
Part 2
Disclaimer – I own nothing, I make nothing. I write for fun and unfortunately not profit. All recognizable characters belong to JE and not me. I think I would do more with Ranger and Tank if they did.
Am I too young for a midlife crisis? All during the meeting today all I could think of what songs I want to practice or learn. I tried not to appear distracted and I fooled everyone but Tank, I know he is thinking that something is going on with me. But he is too afraid to ask. When did I become the type of person whose friends are afraid to ask them questions? I thought that is what friends meant, someone to call them on their shit. No one does that for me, the rumors of me sending people to third world countries have gotten out of hand. I know I had to establish a reputation in this business to keep the gangs and lowlifes from bothering us. Some of the things, okay a lot of the rumors are true, but they were meant to keep people in line and gain respect. It wasn't supposed to make my friends and employees keep their distance.
People I have known my whole life don't invite me to drinks after work, no one just drops by my apartment to say "hi". I have to take ownership of all of that, but it has gotten out of control. I don't know where to begin to fix it. There has to be a balance between badass and still being considered a person. I should have known that as soon as the girls at the bonds office started referring to me as Batman. At first I liked it, it did make me feel larger than life, but I am just a man.
I have done so much damage to my relationship with Stephanie, no wonder she is with Morelli. She didn't fight to be with me, but did I give her anything to fight for. I don't know why I have such trouble talking to her. I am far from a monk; I have dated more than my fair share of women. I don't want to give the wrong impression, as much as I love Stephanie, I am not sitting around pining for her. I date and I see people, just not in Trenton.
There is something about her that makes me want to hold her close and push her away at the same time. I can't think about it, I can't figure it out. I just don't know. There are days that I think that I am supposed to spend my life with her and I should pursue her, tell her my feelings. Then the other days, I think she needs to be with Morelli and live the life everyone expects of her. A life with me, no matter how I chose to live it, will not be the same as living in the Burg. No matter how dissatisfied I am with the way I am living my life now, I will never be the 2.5 kids, picket fence, home by 5 guy.
Should I try to find out if that is what she even wants? How do I approach her with that? I have told her so many times that my life doesn't lend itself to relationships. Even if I can get her to take me seriously on the relationship department, I told her she was my entertainment. See I fuck it up at every turn. I don't know if I can fix it. I don't know if I should.
I am not used to be so unsure of myself and what to do. I am a man of action not of contemplation.
I can finally quit for the day, the stack of paperwork on my desk looks the same as when I walked into the office. My mind hasn't been on the task at hand. I take some paperwork upstairs. Maybe I can concentrate better up here.
Thankful that I soundproofed my office when I moved in, I get out the electric to practice some songs I haven't played in years. I don't plan what I am going to sing in advance, because I have so many songs memorized. I have been playing a lot of alternative rock on open mic night. I am hoping that one day I will feel like playing some old school rock.
I start playing old school Metallica "Fade to Black", I remember how proud I was when I learned the intro. Memories of late night band practices, cigarettes, too much alcohol and underage drinking and the memories make me smile.
How come those memories can make me smile, but not much in my life now makes me smile? What did I have then that I am lacking now? I feel like the answer is right in front of me and I can't grasp it.
My cell rings, I don't have time to worry about it now, business is calling. This is why I am trying to figure if I need to go away for awhile. It seems that every time I get close to finding my answer, some emergency distracts me.
Tank is on the phone, "High bond skip and he needs to be picked up tonight. We are the only ones free, can you be ready in 5?"
I sigh, I never sigh.
"Yes, I will be down in 5."
I hang up and put my shirt and weapons back on. It is back to Batman.
A/N: I hope this chapter is good also. I still don't really have a direction. But I do love it when a story writes it's self. Any suggestions, reviews or comments are always welcome. Thanks for reading!
