You reached out your hand

And said I understand

So why not come down


In an attempt to please Nathan, Rachel had stopped cutting after that night. Instead when she made her trips to the drug store she picked up bottles of ipecac. After she discovered that she didn't have a gag reflex, she researched to find another way to make herself sick. Since then she had used the ipecac a few times previously, but it didn't give her the same release that the cutting did, but now that she no longer had that she fell back onto this kind of bulimia. Every morning and evening she would take ipecac after she ate. She was able to skip eating at lunch by going into the library and studying until the period was over-which was two-fold: she got her homework done early and she skipped a meal.

Now that she didn't have Glee practice after school, she picked up extra dance classes at the studio to improve her technique and burn a few extra calories. She was starting to notice that she had to be a little more careful when it came to taking the decongestants, if she took to many she was overcome with dizziness and think she felt heart palpitations. Although if she were honest, she would admit that she was getting what could only be described as a high by hiding her new little tick (that was what she liked to call it-it wasn't a disorder or a problem or anything negative, just a little tick). The fact that she had the ability to hide that she was either skipping meals and or just throwing them up-it made her feel superior. Although she couldn't think about it too much because a pesky little thought would worm it's way up-where they not noticing because she really was that good at hiding it, or was it because no one cared enough to look closely enough? In her gut she had a sinking suspicion that it was the latter one, and that just made her want to cut until the pain ebbed away. But seeing as that was never going to happen, she turned to running to let of some steam. Since her fathers where gone for about twenty days out of every month and she had developed some sort of case of insomnia she began running in the middle of the nights.

There was something about the pitch black darkness and the fact that she never saw anyone else out that was just like a balm for her soul. She used to hate the feeling of loneliness, but in the past few weeks she's craved it. When there is no one else around there is no one to hurt her or make her feel inferior.


Nathan was leaving for Nationals in one week, so someone from Carmel was throwing him and the rest of Vocal Adrenaline a Good Luck/Going Away party Friday night. Nathan asked Rachel to go with him, which was why she spent the afternoon walking through the mall trying to find the perfect dress and something new from Victoria's Secret since Nathan had also invited her back to his house. As she stepped from her car and walked up the driveway to Nathan's house she smoothed down the red dress she had gotten that she knew would blow his mind tonight. When he opened the door the appreciation was apparent in his eyes, but it was the little growl that she heard when she walked past him into the house that she was waiting for. The front of the dress was hot. But the back, or what there was of the back, was killer.

She had actually had fun at the two previous parties she had been to at Nathan's house, but tonight she wanted to be anywhere but at a party. She kept thinking about how high most alcohol is in calories and how she would rather be running back in Lima. When she walked into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water she ran into Lori, a student from Carmel who was not only a member of Vocal Adrenaline, but was also in one of her dance classes. They talked for a minute before Rachel walked back to Nathan.

As they laid in his bed hours later she rested her head against his chest while he dragged his hand up and down her spine.

"I haven't had much of a chance to talk to you this week. How have you been?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just rub it in how you still have show choir. I've been good though. Started some new dance classes. Better watch out next year because we are going to cream you and it will be me going to Nationals." Nathan didn't say anything and Rachel basked in what she thought was a little victory for a full ten seconds before he burst it.

"Rachel, I'm not going to be there next year. I graduate in a few months and am going to NYU."

"Oh." Rachel couldn't hide the disappointment that she felt. Lately it seemed like Nathan was the only thing that kept her going, and the thought of him leaving scared the crap out of her.

"It's not like I'm leaving tomorrow, we still have almost six months until I leave."

"What happens then? Are we done?"

"I don't know. I'm not going to lie to you, I've tried to do the whole long distance thing before and it is so much harder than you could imagine."

"So then, that's it. We're done in six months when you leave?"

"I don't know. I'm just saying that it is a possibility that we won't be able to keep this relationship going then, but I will always be there for you Rachel." Rachel felt the familiar tension creep into her chest and her fingers itched for a blade to ease it. But she held onto the fact that he said that it was just a possibility, which meant that it was also a possibility that they would stay together, right? But how much could she bank on the latter. With the luck she's been having lately it's more likely that he'll move away to bigger and better and forget about her. What would she do then? She couldn't contemplate it any longer, not if she didn't have a blade to help her think things through, so she turned her head into his chest and relished the feeling as his arm wrapped around her just a little tighter.


Well except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars well I'm fine
Except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars well I'm fine


Vocal Adrenaline had taken third at Nationals, and of course, there was yet another party for them. Rachel had debated on whether she would go or not. A part of her felt like she needed to wring out every possible moment that she could spend with him before he left, but the other part of her felt like they should just end it now-what was the point of drawing it out any longer when it was just going to end soon anyways. In the end it was the text that she received from Lori that made up her mind-they were starting to become good friends, hell, she actually treated her like she was human, something her teammates could hardly handle. Rachel didn't feel like dressing up for it though, so she just stuck to her favorite pair of jeans, a hot pick polo and her Pumas, but she at least found the energy to do her hair and make-up. She was meeting Nathan at the party since she wouldn't be able to stay the night at his house since her fathers would be coming back to town tomorrow. She was slightly nervous about going in to a party alone where she didn't know the person throwing it, but she didn't need to be. By now the Carmel people knew who she was, after all there was no way that a girl could be seeing the lead of Vocal Adrenaline without all of Carmel knowing it. Unlike McKinley she wasn't greeted with eggs or slushies, but actually with "Hey Rachel"'s (it shocked the hell out of her that they knew her name!) and the occasional head nod. By the time she made her way over to where Nathan was she was glad that she came, it wasn't that often that she felt welcomed at a social event. It was something that she could get used to.


Thanks for reading, as always I would LOVE to know what you thought. And for those of you who read my Near to You or Wild Horses, I have the next chapters part way done and they should be up this weekend.