disclaimer: FANfiction. think about it. all i own is the plot. i would never have had the genius for all that is kingdom hearts-like putting disney and ff characters in there. Don't sue
…...
Step One: Her Feelings
I watched, my throat dry, as Roxas approached. I desperately needed to tell him, "Rox-"
"—Nami I need to tell you something," he cut me off. "I-It's not working out with us. I'm breaking up with you."
"W-what? Why?" I asked confused and hurt, I knew I had no right to be but... that's how I felt. Roxas just had always been there... ever since he'd gotten back at least...
"I-I like someone else now."
"Who?" I questioned, intrigued and a tad angered at this. This... isn't how I'd thought things would go... Maybe I should be glad but I just can't be... I ought to tell him anyway... "Wait. Um, actually, Ro-"
"-Olette," he cut me off and I just stared at him blankly for a moment.
What? Oh the conversation... wait a minute... "...Olette! You're serious?" I was stuck somewhere between skepticism and outright shock, I'd known that she liked him for a long, longggg time, (and didn't care for me much) but still...
Not even looking me in the eye, he did a sort of half shrug as if this was no big deal, "Yeah, I'm serious." And that said he walked away. I couldn't even tell him to stop, to wait, to explain, or anything it was all just too sudden, so unexpected, and backwards. I'd planned on breaking up with him. I liked someone else, but it still hurt and I wasn't sure why exactly… I'd wanted him to break up with me. But this didn't go like any of the scripts I'd thought up, any of the things I had planned to say, and I couldn't think; this was all too radically different. So unexpected. So… he and Olette were going out now? I mean I'd never thought he'd actually see that or, uh, reciprocate the feelings. He was my friend and I loved him... just not like in love... but he had been blind for so long to her feelings that I'd thought it would take a revelation from God himself to enlighten the guy... before we'd starting dating I'd considered flat out telling him but... I hated the idea of losing my friend again if they ever actually started dating. Turns out karma's a bitch afterall... I'm gonna lose him anyway... Wait... had he asked her yet? I knew he wouldn't ask her and she definitely would never agree if she thought he still had a girlfriend so that would mean... he still had to ask her. Had he realized her feelings? Whatever the case I'm sure she'll be ecstatic... I mused gloomily. Why was it things never worked out right for me?
I decided to talk to the one I really liked, because, truthfully, I'd only started dating Roxas to help me get over my feelings for someone else. For his best friend. But I think secretly… I'd hoped it would make him finally notice me, see me as something besides the tagalong friend. And it hadn't. And my feelings hadn't changed- if anything they were stronger, how does that even work? It's counter intuitive. And so finally I'd decided to 'drop' Roxas, (knowing Olette would be there for him so I wouldn't have to feel that guilty, right?) because it wasn't fair to string him along like that; he was a good guy but... I couldn't see him as anything other than a friend.
So I approached Axel again, hoping this wouldn't be a repeat performance of the other day, "Axel, can I talk to you?"
He glared at me with contempt, disgust, and anger and I shrank back, nearly cringed. Then he spoke, "Why should I talk to the sl- girl who tried to cheat on my best friend? Sorry; I don't want anything to do with you."
I cringed at every single thing he said. It was like knives to my heart. And worst of all he was (mostly) right to think so... even if he was wrong about the whole thing... I'd only wanted to see what was up with him. Why he avoided me all the sudden. And he'd misinterpreted it, running away and causing me to make a scene... a thing I regretted. It hadn't solved anything. And it would hurt Roxas so much if he ever found out… I wanted to cry at how wrong this was all turning out- I hadn't wanted to use Roxas, I hadn't wanted to hurt anyone, I just hoped that I'd be able to get rid of my dumb crush… or something. But everyone would think differently. All I'd wanted was closure of some, of any, sort and I figured if I got to know both guys more I'd get over Axel. The three of us had been close friends in the past and I'd liked Roxas then- surely I could go back to that, those old strong ties had to count for something even now, right? Hopefully… But there was another thought there too, that I hadn't wanted to think about… I began to explain, "…I thought I liked him… or at least that I could like him in time. I really did. He was a friend of mine, we weren't very close again yet, but I knew he was a great guy. I thought maybe he could help me get over someone else… you." I looked him straight in the eye and he didn't look as shocked as I'd half expected, he didn't look much of, well, anything.
I looked down at the floor as I continued, unable to meet his scrutinizing judging gaze, "But I liked you and… even though I didn't admit it I think sometimes that maybe in part I started going out with him to make you… jealous." I winced, Great going Nami now his opinion of you's really gonna take a nosedive! "It wasn't a conscious thing!" I pleaded and continued more softly, "I just... I don't even know…" my voice trailed off again as I paused.
I glanced back up at him and saw his jaw had tightened with barely suppressed anger… this was just… great.
I tried explaining everything once more, hoping he would at least hear me out, he'd always done that much at least, "I wasn't even aware of why I was doing it until now really, when it sorta backfired. I guess you were trying to let us have more time as a couple...You started paying even less attention to me; I'd never thought that was even possible but you managed." I tried for a slight grin here to lighten the mood but it just died; I could feel his eyes burning into me and just wanted to shrivel up and go hide somewhere.
But I squared my shoulders and continued on because I could do this. I could make him see I had changed from who I was before, I had gotten stronger even if just a little. And if he was going to judge me anyway, then dammit I wanted him to know everything and maybe eventually he could come to forgive me. I wasn't fooling anyone with that idea especially not me- I knew how long he could hold grudges- but I could always hope… "Anyway… I wanted to talk to you. To say that I liked you, that I was sorry. That I'm just so… confused. But you wouldn't even listen. Wouldn't even give me the time of day to just hear me out. I didn't want to cheat on him. I didn't cheat on him. I still don't and wouldn't. And incidentally I couldn't even if I did want to," I nearly hissed at him, angry now, yes angry, I liked him, true, but that did not give him the excuse to treat me like the scum of the earth. I made a bad choice I knew it, but he hadn't helped things either, only made things worse by all his stupid, infantile assumptions. He had no damn right! "I just wanted to know why I matter so little to you. Why you ignore me and treat me like dirt. I wasn't even planning on telling you I liked you ever," I announced flatly. "I swear it. I was going to take the knowledge to the grave with me if I could help it. I might not be in love with Roxas but I do love him even if just as a friend, even if it's not what he wants, I've been trying to be what he wants even if I can't, ok!" I wanted to throw my hands up but as it was I held them stiffly against my side, my fists clenched, and my head slightly bowed in submission because I was wrong and I could admit that... But he was wrong too! And I needed him to see that. "So stop judging me like this!" I wanted to stamp my foot like a girl having a temper tantrum, but I had better self control after that- after everything I'd been through because my two best friends had left and now returned so casually it seemed like nothing had changed for them but everything had for me and it hurt, it still hurt- and so I settled for a direct glare. He still had no idea the things I'd faced while he was gone, the things I still faced and what I had become. And all without him. He'd never even asked or cared what had happened while he was gone! Neither of them had. So I took some joy and pride in the visible shock in his eyes; he had been surprised this wasn't like the shy, timid Namine he'd known and remembered and I would hold my head up. I took a few deep, calming breaths and continued, trying to keep my voice level, "I know I messed up, I know I hurt you and him, I betrayed his trust, I never should have agreed to go out with him in the first place, I know! But I was alone and hurting and he'd always, always been there since you guys came back! It felt just like the old days. I thought I could lean on him like always and it would go away! I was wrong, alright! But I missed the old days! The three of us were friends when we were kids so what happened? What changed?"
"Well, apparently, you did," he sneered. "I never thought you'd do something so low. Now get away! I don't want to even look at you."
Absolutely crushed once more I left. Life never goes quite like you plan it but for things to go so differently, I just wanted to cry but I couldn't even do that not in front of him at least it would only make him despise me more. I bit my lip hard as I ran away, I had nothing now Axel and Roxas would both be gone and I wouldn't be surprised to find my reputation trashed by next week. Oh God maybe I could transfer or something… The tears I had tried so hard to hold back began and the sob I tried so hard to hide ripped from my throat but it was still a half strangled thing. I was finding it hard to breathe. I ran out the school doors, across the street, and threw myself into the grass, not having even considered how lucky I was not to have been hit by a car. And then I just sobbed, wishing for something to hold onto, to cling to.
...
A/N:
r&r.
and please vote in my poll. (i like to change them so check every once in a while, 'k?)
you can see this as slightly ooc i'll admit. oh well. I'm trying. And I think some of this is how the characters would react given certain things in their pasts. And I'm still trying to get a feel for the characters and their personalities it's hard! It's not my best work by far but i wanted to put something up... Right now i'm juggling around like 20 new story ideas... it makes it so hard when i keep getting new inspiration and have to keep working on older ones. good thing i like what i do.
oh and people this is important. I like to make my stories like real life in some ways. Some of the things will reflect that. And this story will have het and homosexual pairings (aka lesbian/yuri, gay/yaoi, and straight pairings). it may be onesided/hints or relationships by side characters. but it will be there. consider yourselves warned. I can easily see some of the characters as bi personally. and this may affect my story. besides i find this to be more interesting. You probably won't see any of those developments for a few chapters though. so consider this your heads up. Don't expect anything graphic because you're not likely to see that from me and certainly not on this account. just so we're all clear. and the ending (which i still haven't planned out yet will surely manage to piss some people off and please others it's inevitable because i will have love triangles and heartbreak and this may not have a cut and dry clear ending (so you may be able to imagine to some extent how it works out if you're not pleased with a pairing i use) i will try to keep it good though.
predictions are fine but i won't tell you if you're right or wrong because honestly i'm not entirely sure which pairings i will end up going with though i do have some ideas. :) i do love to hear from readers and what they may like to see. you can flame and tell me you're disgusted with the idea of yaoi or yuri whatever. check out my other stuff then, that's het. but please do try to be mature about this. it's appreciated. and if you flame... you might not like what i have to say back, ok? :)
pss: also my main character listings will reflect the major characters in a given chapter usually, not necessarily the pairings, 'k?
