Unexpected gift part 2
Her hand was cold in his own, and over his soft chantment he heard her give a small sigh, her face shadowed. She had done this many times over the weeks they had stayed in Antaris, and he knew she was thinking of Mica.
He grieved, too, though not in the same way that Calwyn and Tonno did, and certainly not like Trout. Mica had been a light spirit that had brightened the places they had traveled – from the cabins of Fledgewing to the dark desert of Merithuros. But he had not allowed himself to get close to her.
Indeed, he frowned, as his boots parted the fresh grass, he had not allowed himself to get close to anyone. Not even Samis. Oh, they had been companions, had shared many adventures and learned many things together. But Darrow had lived in fear of Samis, despite their companionship. Because of Samis the other sorcerers in the Black Palace had never dared to speak to him, and after he left Samis on the bridge he had lived in fear of each new face, not knowing if what he saw was the truth or a deadly chantment bent on claiming his life.
In the months following that day on the bridge he had stopped only briefly in towns to replenish supplies. For an ironcrafter it was no hard thing to make coins appear from the rocks, and so he could easily and discreetly buy what he needed and continue his flight. He had eaten while running, hiding in ditches and caves while he fled the man who sought to destroy him, not daring to look behind, barely sleeping…
Was it any wonder he had become what he was?
From the day small Mouse had been snatched from the Gold Arrow, he had never allowed himself to make what others knew of as "friends." It was too dangerous. The Black Palace was far from what one might call a home, and yet it had been all he had known for so many years. In that place the word "friend" did not exist. He did not remember his name; he could barely remember his parents. Their life aboard a ship was hard in its own right, though he remembered their love.
Tonno and Xanni had almost breached his defenses – he trusted them, he depended on them. He had told them more than anyone else, and yet other than one night when they had all gotten drunk and shared stories together in a small tavern near Keld, he had held himself apart from them. Sometimes he had secretly watched their camaraderie as brothers – laughing and joking, sharing stories and thoughts - and had bitterly wished for a true companionship of his own.
Now, walking hand in hand with Calwyn, his heart caught in his throat.
There was so much he wanted to say.
Shivering, he thought of how close he had come to dying, the icy numbness that had seeped into his fingers and toes, then his throat as he fought to keep it at bay…
How close he had come to leaving her alone.
True, she had miraculously found her brother, Halasaa – another pang of envy stabbed his heart – but Darrow wanted… wanted to be…
What? What did he want?
He squeezed her hand, as if to reassure himself that she was indeed walking beside him. They had come so close to losing each other more than once. More than twice. In fact, it was a miracle that they had survived as many perils as they had.
But more miraculous was the fact that she was still at his side. He knew he was a hard man to be around. Harsh words had flown at her more often than kind, and he had cursed himself every time he saw the hurt in her dark eyes, hurt that he had caused.
He had tried to warn her, the first time they left Antaris together…
"I've not had much to do with women." He was walking ahead of her, and she couldn't see his face. "Before I came to Antaris, I don't know that I'd ever spoken more than ten words to a woman. I have always thought them strange creatures."
"And now?" she had asked, softly, and he imagined he heard a tinge of hope.
And now… what did he think of this girl who followed him? Who had risked her life to save his - not once but three times - who was willing to bear the harsh mountains at his side, who had a strong yet gentle way about her that somehow calmed his fears and stirred feelings within that he did not understand? She asked him questions, hungry for knowledge the way he hungered for companionship. He knew she was searching to prove herself, to find her place in the world…
Perhaps they were not so dissimilar.
And so he had replied, "Now, I think them much the same as men."
He had not turned to glance at her face, but the air had shimmered with a silence that told him…
…it was not what he should have said.
His eyes hardened, cursing himself yet again. He did not know when he had come to love her. Perhaps it was when she had daringly frozen the mouth of the youth in Kalysons. His heart had blenched with fear for her – she did not understand how dangerous it was to use chantment outside Antaris. He could have lost her that night and, as usual, his concern had come out as anger.
He furrowed his brows, thinking. No, it must have been before that. Perhaps walking the mountains together, as she showed him tubers and berries that were safe to eat, and as he explained to her names of the patterns in the stars. Or even before that, day after day sitting among the hives, as she smiled at him in the shadow of the leaves… He sighed. Questions swarmed through his mind like angry bees, questions she had asked him about himself, about his past, questions he had refused to answer. Now that Samis was defeated, he knew they would have to be answered.
They had made a promise to each other.
"There are things you and I must say to each other, Calwyn…"
After the healing dances they had barely had a moment alone together, no time to speak the words that must be said.
Now, that time had come, but he didn't know what to say, how to share himself with her. Not in the way she deserved.
And so they walked in silence.
After a time, Halasaa stopped, raising his hand. Here.
Wordlessly, they all gathered on the silver sled, and effortlessly Calwyn lifted it, and sent them winging home.
He felt power surging through her as she sang, stronger than he had ever felt in anyone. Once, he had felt envy at Samis' power, and fear. But with Calwyn, he felt only a surge of pride and love. That such a one as she had chosen him… had stepped into a war that had not been hers to fight, and had been the one person he had come to trust above all others… had come to love…
He took a deep breath, his exhalation lost in the wind-whipped air, and vowed to find the courage to speak the words, to become worthy - for once in his life - of this unexpected gift.
