Freddie concocted a plan. Simpler is better when dealing with multimedia equipment, fractions, and evil schemes, so he went right for Sam's weakest spot: snacks.

On Monday night, he asked his mom for lunch money for the next day, walked over to Carly's, and made himself a bag lunch anyway. When Carly asked what he was up to, he lied and explained that his Mom was pushing leftover fishloaf sandwiches on him. After working on some homework together, Freddie could feel the lie burning in the back of his throat, and had to get out of the loft before he blurted his plan to Carly. She wouldn't understand.

Tuesday morning, Freddie woke up extra-early, biked down the road to the convenience store, and bought a twelve-pack of Fatcakes with his six bucks of extra lunch money. When he got back to his apartment to hide his ill-gotten snackfood, Carly and Spencer were just leaving theirs for school.

"Want a ride, Freddie?" Spencer jingled his keys at him. Freddie quickly hid the Fatcakes in his backpack and accepted.

The ride to school was uncomfortably quiet. Carly sighed and came up with something to break the silence. "So, any ideas for more iCarly extras?"

"Oh! Actually, yes." Freddie scratched his nose and looked at Carly through her reflection in the side view mirror. "More iCrushIt. We never did crush a sandwich like we'd planned. And you still have all that pimento cheese to use up."

"Pimentos, in cheese! Who even thinks this stuff up?" Carly's face crinkled with brief disgust.

Freddie shrugged, and addressed her brother. "Think you're up for more crushing today, Spencer?"

"Am I ever not up for crushing? Though, you have to make sure I don't crush something I'm not supposed to. I still feel so bad about your phone." Spencer turned into the school park & ride, and cast a mournful look over his shoulder at Freddie.

"Don't worry, just go on my signal, and my signal only." Freddie swallowed, hard.

That had worked out conveniently, Freddie thought. He pushed his way past the two idiot wrestlers that flanked his locker, trying to get the Fatcakes safely tucked away before they smashed him into the wall and crushed the cakes flat. One of them, the curly-haired one, shoved Freddie up against the lockers when he stood back up, explaining something about a "monkey-hold." Freddie let the sharp edges of the locker grills push into his ribs and completely ignored the idea that he might be using Spencer against his wishes.

Now, to see if Sam brought her lunchbox today. He was in luck. Across the hall he could see the glint of its blue plastic as Sam dug into it and withdrew a chunk of beef jerky. Freddie crossed the hall after weighing down his backpack with books for first period and nodded hello to her. "Let's do another iCrushIt today, okay?"

Sam's eyes looked up at him as she gnawed on her jerky. Distracted by the saltiness, she mumbled something that sounded affirmative, and then noticed Gibby walking up to his locker nearby. "Just a minute, gotta go pants the nub." In a second she was three lockers away and Gibby's pants were around his ankles. He'd learned to start wearing classy boxers (today's were blue paisley) but he had yet to get his head around wearing belts.

"Um, see you at Carly's later!" Freddie called to Sam, and she gave him a thumbs up as she sprinted down the hallway in the opposite direction. Why did Sam so thoughtlessly torment kids like that? She obviously deserved getting taken down a peg or two.

Throughout the day, Freddie's resolve was strengthened. In biology, Sam let the class snake out, making their normally timid teacher freak out and cancel the rest of class, so Slithers wouldn't get trampled before he was found. During lunch, Sam traded her ham sandwich for Freddie's peanut butter and jelly, and then promptly traded that with Jeremy for his cheese and tomato sandwich.

Freddie watched with horror as Jeremy bit into it and started to swell up within seconds. "You said this was almond butter!" Jeremy's face became rounder with every word, and then he was up, running to the nurse's office, while Sam doubled over with mirth.

"Sam, you know Jeremy has a peanut problem." Carly chastised her, and then shook her head with disapproval as Sam took back the pb&j to eat for herself.

Freddie glared at Drake Parker's eternally smiling face, and thought to himself that if Drake had Sam as a friend, he wouldn't be so happy all the time. Drake and his guitar shifted out of view as Sam packed up and the lunch bell rang.


After school everything was going according to plan. Freddie set up Camera B and the crushing table while Sam and Carly were in Carly's room, talking about hair or something. Freddie didn't really know, and he didn't really care. All he cared about was that the Fatcakes and Sam's beloved Drake lunchbox were sitting carefully in the corner of the iCarly studio. He'd pilfered it from her backpack while she was in the bathroom earlier.

Freddie took the elevator down to the kitchen, and proceeded to make a disgusting sandwich. He pulled out a near-rotting orange and a little carton of chocolate milk. While he was putting away the pimento cheese, Spencer came out of his room to say hello. "How am I gonna crush all of that at once?" he asked, rubbing his hair dry with a towel.

"Oh, I needed to talk to you about that. We're going to put it into a lunchbox. I figure it's a way to ramp it up from just a sandwich. I hope it'll pop like a grape in the slo-mo!"

"Very cool idea, little dude." Spencer smiled, and went to grab his visor and sledgehammer. "I'm prepared to crush!"

The two of them dragged Sam away from Carly, who had Sam's hair up in about seven different ponytails. "There's crushing to be done, Carls." Sam had happily gotten away, and they clambered up to the iCarly studio. Spencer stood at the ready to the side. Sam arranged the gross lunch things on the crushing table. Freddie turned on Camera B.

"Why, hello , didn't see you there!" Freddie hammed it up for the camera terribly, he knew, but he just wasn't used to being on the recording side of the lens.

"On today's episode of iCrushIt, we're going to totally smash the juices out of these here lunch objects!" Sam gestured to the table like she was on The Price is Right.

"Oh, look, Sam, here's a Fatcake!" Freddie's pulse quickened. He tossed an opened Fatcake into Sam's hands and dumped the remaining eleven around her feet. Then, in a dash, he filled Sam's lunchbox with the sandwich, milk and orange, shut it, stuck it back on the table, and screamed "CRUSH IT, SPENCE!"

Sam, distracted from the surprise Fatcake, and not aware that her lunchbox was in danger, heard Spencer's wild scream, and booked it for the shelter of the little half-wall. Freddie ran along with her, his head whipping back to see the plan going smooth as butter.

There was a huge, heavy cracking sound and an unappetizing squelch as the lunchbox broke into pieces, and the insides were smooshed flat. Spencer's shirt got sprayed with orange pips and milk, the floor had a splatter of pimento cheese, and all down the legs of the table were dripping, questionable fluids.

Spencer was breathing heavily. "I'm gonna need another shower."

Sam swallowed the last bite of the Fatcake that was in her hands. Freddie looked at her and saw her eyes open wide with shock. She was turning an unappealing shade of red.

He scrambled up and in front of Camera B. "Woah, awesome job, Spencer! Thanks for watching iCrush-aaugh!" Sam had launched herself at Freddie, landing him straight on top of a couple of crinkling, unopened Fatcakes, pushing his face into a puddle of milk. Sam had him pinned down, straddling his body, and her face was inches away from his.

"You crushed DRAKE!" Little bits of cake flew into Freddie's face. "Mom got him for me! He's limited edition!"

"You deserved it!"

"I'll never get another one! You don't understand! Mom got him for me!" Sam didn't punch Freddie, or really hurt him. She just had him pushed hard into the ground, and kept pushing, with all her weight. She screamed about Freddie crushing Drake until she ran out of words, and then she just screamed noises at him, until she ran out of breath.

Spencer broke it up. He picked Sam up off of Freddie like she was a kitten, pulling on the back of her shirt, and helped Freddie up. His face was drawn. "You should go, Freddie."

Freddie dashed over to his laptop and unplugged it, making sure the video was archived, and ran home.

A/N This chapter was insanely hard to write. I really wrote myself into a corner in the first part. But I slogged through, and here we go! It's a lot less funny than I wanted it to be, and a bit out of character, and argh. I can think no more about it! Moving on, Crush will be one more chapter, hopefully a better one, and then it's on to other ideas. I'm thinking it's time for my Sokka/Toph phase. Same pairing, different show, amirite?? Thanks for your continuing reviews and visits, I appreciate them more than you know.