A/N: This chapter clears a lot of things up and answers a lot of questions. It's a slow and steady build to answering every question you guys are asking, but give it time. This story is dark enough as it is. ;) And as always: REVIEW! I'm out on a ledge, writing this story, and knowing what you think and that you like it, helps!

Chapter 2

Don't You Ever Wonder How We Survive?

Ezra held his arm near his chest as he flipped through the teachers manual on his desk. Even though he had taken the day off and given his students a free day, he still didn't want to be at home. Ever since the night before, his memories had been running rampant on him, and the last thing he wanted to do was have time to be left alone with his thoughts.

A knock at his door brought his focus upwards. It was Jackie.

"What do you want?" His tone was emotionless. He was still incredibly pissed at her for the stunt she'd pulled with Aria a few months earlier, but he really didn't want to argue with her about it.

"I came to ask if I could borrow your book on the Spanish Inquisition," she said softly from the doorway. She only took a few steps into the room when she spotted the cast on his arm. "What happened to your wrist?"

Ezra turned to the bookshelf behind him and began searching through the books, running his left index finger along the spines of the books to find the one she was asking for.

"You didn't try and talk Professor Montgomery again, did you?"

Ezra sighed, continuing to look through the books. "No. My fist had a long talk with a wall last night."

His fingers twitched, giving off the threat that if the discussion went any further, he was going to start shaking again, from the damn memories.

"Damn, Z…" Ezra pulled a book out of the bookshelf and settled it on the desk. He looked over his shoulder at her as he did so. "You're not allowed to call me that anymore. We're not friends."

He turned back to the bookshelf. He knew he had a better book with more information, if only he could find it…

"So what are we then," she asked curiously. "You lend books to people who aren't your friends?" Ezra pulled the book out of the shelf and settled it on top of the other book as he turned around. He pushed the books towards her. "We're colleagues. Just like me and Mr. Montgomery."

"Really? Even though you're sleeping with his daughter," she said in a snarky manner.

"Aria and I aren't sleeping together," Ezra growled at her. It was like dominoes falling, remembering what she had looked like the night before when she walked into the Montgomery home. Being at the hospital with her. Remembering. "Damn it, Jackie."

She had picked up the books, but placed them back down on the desk, reaching a hand out to touch his left hand, whish he'd pounded onto the desk.

"Ezra…What happened?" He looked up at her after a moment. "None of your damn business."

She tipped her head at him. "Ezra, I know you better than most people."

He looked up at her to say something, and then looked past her. Hardy was standing in the doorway.

"I was gonna ask if you wanted to grab lunch." Hardy said. "What's Psycho Wannabe Vanessa Hudgens doing here?"

Jackie rolled her eyes, turning around. "Really, Hardy? Ezra's-" "Dealing with a lot of crap today? I knew that last night. See, some people are more privileged to his life than you are."

Ezra huffed and rolled his eyes at them. "Really, you two? Arguing over something this stupid." He looked over at Hardy. "I'm not hungry. Thanks, though."

Hardy crossed his arms. "Have you eaten anything today? I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to pop Vicodin on an empty stomach."

Ezra shook his head, becoming more annoyed with each passing second. "Would you let it go?"

"Let go of the fact that the most serious thing that's happened to you since your parents split up is affecting you right now? No. I'm not above calling your mother, either."

Jackie looked back at Hardy. "He told her?"

"No," Ezra said sternly, looking at Jackie. He looked back at Hardy again. "Call my mother, and I'll tell your girlfriend you hooked up with three different girls the first month you were together." Hardy rolled his eyes. "You really think that is going to stop me?" "I am not inept to breaking my other hand," Ezra growled. "Let. It. Go."

"What is wrongwith you?" Jackie asked. "I've never seen you talk to him like that."

He was laying in his bed, legs curled up to his chest with the blanket pulled tightly over him. At least from the top bunk, he could see if anyone was breaking in before they actually got in the room.

He felt sick with himself. He hadn't moved since stripping the bottom bunk the day before, and cleaning up the room. He couldn't stand the idea of having to look at those sheets and blankets, knowing what had happened with them. He couldn't stand the idea of eating something; putting it in his mouth and swallowing it.

The dorm room door opened. He clenched his eyes shut and covered his arm over his eyes, feigning sleep. That plan quickly faltered when flashes of the night before ran through his mind, and he threw his arm down, resigning to staring at the wall again. Hardy moved about the room, unzipping his bag and tossing things onto the floor.

"Where's all of my clothes?" Hardy said aloud. "Those blue jeans had that girl Maria's number."

He turned around and looked up at the top bunk. "Z, man. Did you do laundry?"

Ezra looked down at Hardy. He nodded silently.

"Did you clean out the pockets first?" Ezra knew he had, but he had no idea what he'd done with the notes and other miscellaneous things that he'd found. He slowly moved his blankets off of him and moved down off the top bunk, never once turning his attention away from Hardy. He dug through the things he had put on Hardy's desk and then turned to him when he had found the napkin. He handed it over.

Hardy looked over at him and took the napkin. "What's got you so quiet? You break something?"

Ezra turned around and walked back to his desk. If he wasn't focusing on Hardy, then he didn't have to answer him.

He started shifting things around on his desk, moving and restacking things just to look like he was actually doing something.

"I see you stripped my bed," Hardy exclaimed. "Are you sick or something?"

Still, Ezra kept his back turned, rearranging his textbooks in order of the days he had classes. He nearly jumped when Hardy yelled a moment later.

"What the fuck is this? Seriously, you'd have sex with some girl in my bed and not even dispose of the condom?" He was scowling at Ezra.

Ezra looked at the used condom. He had no idea at what point it had been used the night before, but it wasn't as if he could see much to be sure anyway. He looked at Hardy and then back at the condom and shook his head. He opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn't figure out a way to lie that didn't not make him feel more sick than he already did.

"This is sick, Z. And really low coming from you," Hardy said.

Ezra just stared at him for a moment and then turned and walked into the bathroom. He shut the door behind him and then stepped over to the toilet and squatted down in front of it and threw up.

"Ezra!"

He looked up at Jackie and Hardy, who were both now standing directly in front of the desk. "Sorry." Hardy shook his head. "You need to talk to someone. You haven't been like this since-" "I told you to let it go," Ezra countered.

"God damn it, Ezra. No! I'm- hell, we're worried about you."

"Its not-" His words trailed off as he looked up to see Byron standing the doorway. "What's up?"

"Are you joining us for dinner? Ella said Aria's been asking to see you since she woke up this morning." Byron said.

Ezra nodded, picking up his up of coffee off the desk. He took a drink from it. "I'll be there."

Byron nodded and walked out of the room.

"Ezra, you're on a dangerous road to self destruction," Hardy warned.

Ezra looked back him with an expression of complete contempt. "Yeah, and you haven't got a damn clue what you're talking about."

"Right, because someone else was living with you in that dorm for two months! Someone else told your mother to make sure you didn't try to hurt yourself. How damn long do I have to watch your back and worry whether or not you pick up another blade to try and do yourself in again?"

Ezra shook his head and clenched his fists. "Get the hell out of my office, and don't come looking to talk to me again."

He and Hardy stared each other down, until finally Hardy turned to Jackie.

"It'd be in your best interest to avoid this disaster before it blows up in your face." He walked out of the room, and a moment later, Jackie walked out behind him with the books Ezra had borrowed her.

Ezra picked up the copy of Sense and Sensibility he had sitting on his desk and threw it across the room with every amount of force he could muster.

-
Days too dark and nights are pain
-

Ezra pushed the lasagna on his plate around with his for. He'd taken all of two bites out of it so far.

He looked over at Aria. She hadn't said much since he'd shown up, and she hadn't eaten much either.

"Are you two alright?" Byron asked as he finished off what was on his own plate.

Aria shrugged, looking over at Ezra. "Just not hungry," she said quietly. She dropped her fork on her plate and wrapped her arms around her legs, which she had pulled up to her chest.

Byron and Ella both looked to Ezra.

"Big lunch," he lied. "Sorry. It tastes good, though."

Ella and Byron began clearing away the table and suggested Aria and Ezra talk as they did so. Neither of them seemed to have any objection to it. Anything was better than sitting in front of a plate full of food that wasn't going to get eaten.

Ezra followed Aria into her room, and sat down in the brown leather chair next to her bed while she wrapped herself up inside her blankets. She curled up at the end of the bed, looking over at him.

"How was your day?"

Ezra shrugged. He had his legs pulled up behind him in the chair. "Work. How was yours?" He tried to feel interested, but he was torn between being locked up in his own thoughts, and physically hurting because of how easily he could see that she was. He hated seeing her so torn down and vulnerable.

"Nothing special," she replied softly. "My mom went and got some of my homework so I could focus on something." Ezra nodded. Silence quickly filled the spaces around them again. He didn't want to open his mouth to say another word. He feared that the next thing he said would be something about the secret he was trying too hard to keep hidden and buried. He loved and adored Aria, but he couldn't actually imagine having her know those things.

"Is there anything I can do?" He asked after a while. He looked over at Aria.

She had been crying quietly. He was surprised. He hadn't even heard her sniffle. "Come sit up here with me?" Ezra nodded slowly. He pushed up out of his chair and walked over to the bed and laid down on the side nearest to the wall. He extended his arm to wrap around her once she had shifted so that she was lying next to him.

Aria nuzzled her chin against his chest as Ezra ran his fingers up and down the side of her upper arm. They continued to let the silence linger, both too afraid to say something. Ezra wondered if Aria knew. Aria wondered if he thought she was damaged now.

"I love you," he whispered after a while. The room was mostly dark, except for the touch lamp Aria had next to her bed, which was on its lowest setting.

"I love you too," she whispered back.

Ezra slipped his arm under hers and let her interlace their fingers. Silence was rampant once again as they laid there.

After a while, he jumped when a loud noise filled his eardrums. It phased him that he had fallen asleep. Aria was still curled up against him, and the table lamp was off.

He popped his head up above hers, feeling the stiffness in his bones. The clock said it was 1 AM.

Ezra looked down at Aria. She was sleeping soundly, not appearing to be in any type of distress. It surprised him slightly. His clothes were half-stuck to his body and he was covered head to toe in sweat.

He couldn't remember much of his dream, beyond being back in his dorm room during senior year. He'd woken up as his attacker was pulling off his mask, leaving him once again in the dark.

Ezra gently slipped his arm out from under Aria and moved off the bed as quietly as possible. Aria turned over as he got off the bed and curled up next to the pillow he'd been sleeping on. Ezra leaned over and kissed her cheek and then turned and walked out of the room.

He walked down the hall, stopping when he reached the bathroom. He flipped on the light as he stepped inside. He looked up at himself briefly in the mirror and then just as quickly turned away. Too easily, he could see all the emotions behind his eyes that were conflicting him. He could see things too easily that he didn't want other people to know.

He turned on the tap and removed his watch from his left wrist. He settled it on the side of the vanity and placed his hands under the tap. As he waited for the water to turn room temperature, he stared at the scar on his wrist. It had only been a year, but it was still there to remind him of all the things that had happened.

He was perched in the corner of the bathroom farthest away from the toilet. It wasn't a big room to begin with, but it was as far away from the dorm room and everything else that he could get without actually getting up and leaving. His head was resting between his knees, his hands dug into his hair.

The logic that this was his life just didn't seem to fit right. Just six months ago, things had been so different. He had been engaged to be married. He had been starting the tedious job of picking out china patterns for a post-graduation wedding. Hell, he'd been on good terms with Jackie. Now he couldn't stand to look at her.

He pulled his hands out of his hair and crossed them over his knees, still keeping his head down. He was ninety-nine percent sure that Hardy thought he was off his rocker. And why wouldn't he? It wasn't like Ezra ever talked to anyone anymore.

He slowly lifted his head up and rested it on his chin. From where he sat, the ceiling and the top of the wall reflected off the mirror. Great. At least he didn't have to see how horrid he looked. No one was ever going to see him as worthy again. All of this had done the opposite, and made him worthless. Worthless and damaged beyond repair.

All for a fucking byline.

Byron stood just outside the bathroom for a moment, watching as Ezra gripped the edges of the toilet bowl, retching. After a few seconds, it phased him that the younger man was choking, trying to breathe while his body worked against him. He walked into the bathroom and squatted down near Ezra.

With a few generous slaps to the back, stomach acid and bile finally ran up Ezra's throat and into the toilet. He retched again, heaving more stomach acid into the porcelain bowl.

A few moments after he was able to take a breath, he slowly lowered back and sat down on the floor, resting his arms across his knees. He pushed his hair back, sweat from struggling to get sick making it slick.

Byron stood and grabbed a paper cup from next to the sink. He filled it with cool water and then handed it to Ezra.

Ezra looked up at him briefly as he took the cup. "Thanks," he said breathily.

Byron nodded. He leaned back against the sink. "You sick?"

Ezra shook his head before he even had a chance to think about a logical excuse that didn't give away the deepest secret he'd ever kept. "Probably should've eaten more today," he said after a minute.

Byron's brow furrowed in confusion. "I thought you had a big lunch?"

"I lied." Ezra resigned.

Byron placed his hands on the edge of the sink on either side of him and curled his fingers around the underside of it. "Did you and Aria talk?"

Ezra tossed the now empty paper cup into the trash next to the toilet and crossed both his arms over his legs. "About what?"

Byron just looked down at the floor. That definitely wasn't the way to start this conversation.

"I know we've come to some form of an agreement, letting you and Aria have an open relationship. I never imagined that there could be so much understanding between you two, though."

Ezra looked at him suspiciously. "What are you getting at, Mr. Montgomery?"

Byron opened his mouth to reply, and then second-guessed himself. Was this really the right situation to talk about things that happened to Ezra? Wouldn't it be better for Aria to come to them when the time was right and have her tell them what Ezra had told her? Did he even really know anything? Or was he just guessing things? Maybe it really was just Ezra being affected by what Aria had been through.

"Byron?"

Both Ezra and Byron looked up as Ella stepped into the doorway. She looked as if she'd just woken up.

"Ezra's still here?" "Aria and I fell asleep earlier," Ezra said quickly. He pushed up from the floor and brushed his hands down his pants. "I should go."

He walked out of the room and down the stairs, leaving them standing there together. Ella turned and watched his shadow retreat down the staircase.

"I'm worried about them." She said.

Byron looked towards the staircase. After a few moments, the front door opened quietly, and then closed. "Maybe I jumped to conclusions. Maybe-"Ella shook her head at him, narrowing her eyes. "No. Aria ate more of her food than he did. Something is wrong with him." "Is it really our place to question, though?" Byron asked. "Ezra's life is his own."

"Really?" Ella asked. She crossed her arms. "You do realize what your daughter has just been put through, don't you? Ezra is either going to be the first person she pushes away, or the first person she lets in. And if Ezra-… if he's been… through what you say he's been through-" "I didn't say anything," Byron commented. "I guessed, from what I'd read."

"The both of them could be hurt very bad, very fast," Ella finished.

-
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the world I'm coming home
-

Aria ran her fingers through her hair as she settled her coat over the side of Ezra's couch. He was standing in the kitchen, half awake, trying to put together. It was almost noon, but she could tell that he hadn't slept well.

"Do you need any help in there?" She chuckled softly as he walked into the counter. He scowled and placed the coffee pot onto the heating pad before flipping the switch for the coffee to start brewing.

"S'fine," he said as he walked back across the room. He grabbed a t-shirt off his bed and then circled around the couch, sitting in the spot on the other side of the couch from her. He pulled the shirt on.

Aria scooted a few inches over and grabbed his broken hand. She brushed her fingers over his injured knuckles.

"You did this the other night?"

Ezra nodded. "Mmm."

Aria looked up at him, lacing her fingers gently between his own, being wary of his broken knuckles. "Are you okay, Ezra?"

"Why do you keep asking me that?" He questioned. "I'm not the one who's been hurt."

Aria shrugged. "I honestly don't know. But something about you seems…That's just it. I don't know."

"Aren't you supposed to be hurting?" He asked her. The lack of pain he'd seen her exude made him feel so inadequate. Was he really that damaged?

She bit her tongue for a moment and shrugged. Her eyes became glassy. "I am. I just… I don't know. It doesn't feel like it's okay to be hurt." Ezra's head dropped forward an inch. "Doesn't feel okay? Aria, someone…" It almost hurt him too much to say the words. To lift that thin veil so high that it was almost obvious he understood her. "Someone took something from you, that they didn't have any right to. Stripped you of every possible defense just to have control and cause you suffering. How is it not okay to feel that?"

"I don't know," she murmured with a wavering voice.

Ezra extended his arms towards her. She moved across the couch and turned around so that she was resting against him. He wrapped his arm gently under hers. Aria held his broken hand under her chin. Ezra rested his cheek against her hair.

For a while, they sat there in silence. Long after the coffee percolator stopped processing the water, they still sat there in the same position. Ezra wavered back and forth on a tough decision. He wanted so badly to make Aria see how easily he could understand what she was feeling and what she was afraid of. In the same difference, he didn't know how he could honestly tell her the truth, and not feel like he was being selfish.

But was it okay to be selfish?

He opened his mouth, searching for the right words to start.

"How can someone do something so sick and selfish, and be okay with themselves?"Aria's voice was soft, but he could tell that she'd been crying quietly.

He closed his mouth. "I don't know, baby."

Aria pushed herself up and turned to face him, though she still held his hand against her body. "I mean, I know women do it too, but why do men think that they can do things like this? And why do I have to be the one that suffers? Why do I have to be the one that's made worthless? Screwed up? Damaged?"

Ezra opened his mouth again, and closed it. Again. No, it wasn't fair.

He lifted his left hand to her cheek and leaned forward. "You're not worthless, screwed up, or damaged. You are Aria Montgomery, and you're beautiful, and oh, so loved." He pressed his lips to her forehead.

Aria closed her eyes, bringing her other hand up to his left wrist, wrapping it there as his lips were on her forehead. Tears fell down her face as she blinked.

Ezra rested his forehead against hers.

"I just don't understand what I did to deserve this," she whimpered, shaking her head.

Ezra felt like someone had kicked him in the chest. Hard. How many times had he asked himself the same question? And if it wasn't something he had done wrong in the past, what future wrong could he possibly do?

What he did know, though, was that even if he was wrong for letting this relationship, Aria wasn't. She was the life story of innocence and beauty. There wasn't anything that she had done to deserve this. Even if it made it all his fault.

"It's not your fault," he said firmly. It's mine.

-
I drew my line across the sand
And set my flag in no-man's land
-

Ezra pushed up from his bed, groaning softly as he leaned on his right elbow. His left hand brushed over his eyes, wiping away the gunk that had gathered in the corners of his eyes.

Aria looked down at him. She had her laptop open on her lap.

"I fell asleep?" He asked.

She nodded, setting the machine down at the end of the bed. "I never knew Vicodin made you so loopy."

Ezra shrugged, pushing himself up into a seated position. He leaned back against the wall behind him. "I've only taken it on a handful of occasions." Aria chuckled. "Handful."

Ezra rolled his eyes, though he smirked at her twist on his comment. After lying on the couch for a while, the pain from his wrist had eventually escalated enough to a point where he needed to take something. The last thing he remembered before waking up was lying down in his bed next to Aria.

"Did you sleep?" He asked.

"A little," Aria replied. She pulled her laptop back into her lap. "After a while, I just got up and started hanging out on google."

"And what did the lofty search engine turn up?"

Aria shrugged. "Not much. A few victims support websites." "Oh, yeah? I-" He wasn't sure what scared him more. The words that had almost come out of his mouth, the look on Aria's face, or the fact that he didn't know how he was going to cover this lie. Ever since Aria had found out about Jackie working at Hollis, he had avoided anything that meant lying to her. He knew how much lying affected her relationships, because of the lie her father had asked her to tell with his affair with his own student.

"I've heard of those." He said after a moment. He hoped she hadn't caught onto him.

Aria shrugged, leaning back against the bookcase behind his bed. "Some of them are dead. Others aren't posted on very often. I found one though, that seems to be alive. It's a broad spectrum forum."

Ezra nodded, peering over her shoulder. "Posting already?" Aria shook her head. "Just snooping."

Ezra laid back down on his bed, happy to let her peruse the internet if she was content to do so, and closed his eyes. He didn't sleep, but he rested. The night before hadn't been fair to him in the way of sleep. It had brought plenty of nightmares and more than enough restlessness.

After a while, Aria closed her computer and put it down on the floor. She laid down next to Ezra and looked over at him.

"Can I ask you something?" He opened his eyes and looked down at his cast. Down the inside of his forearm, she had scrawled something.

He's the air knocked out of my lungs -
He's the reason I can't breathe
He's the push that makes me hit the ground -
He's the reason I can't stand on my own

He's the sun, he's the light
He's my dream every night
He's the air, he's the fire
He is my every desire.
-Love, Pookiebear

He looked up at her. "You wrote this?"

She shrugged. "It's been blank. I thought it needed some love."

Ezra smiled at her. "It's beautiful. Thank you." Aria nodded. "So, my question?"

Ezra nodded as well. "Anything."

"Are you friends with Jackie again?" Ezra furrowed his brow, almost in a grimace. "Not at all. What would give you that idea?"

"My dad said she was in your office yesterday with Hardy," Aria replied. Her voice was innocent, non-judging.

"She stopped by and asked if she could borrow a book. I don't have any wish to be friends with her, but if it makes her students smarter, then who am I to stop her from learning more so they can?"

Aria nodded. "So that was all?"

"Yes," he drawled out. "Why?"

"I don't know." Aria shook her head. "It's nothing," she said after a moment. You seem different. I just can't put my finger on it. Or maybe its me, she thought to herself. Maybe I'm too fucked up now, and you're just too nice to admit it.

Ezra started to open his mouth. Maybe he really should tell her. Was she suspecting?

What the hell is it that you keep stopping yourself from saying? Why can't you just open your damn mouth and say we can't be together anymore? How long is this going to drag out?

"I don't want to be with Jackie," he said finally. "Besides, she left with Hardy," he lied. Well she kind-of did…

He'd just told her not two hours earlier that she wasn't screwed up or damaged, and yet Aria wondered if that's exactly what he thought she was, as he continued to dance around her with almost-perfect answers, instead of just the truth. Maybe that's exactly what he thought of her, if he couldn't just tell her what was on his mind.

But for Ezra, it was anything but that simple. It was too easy to dance around the truth, to push it aside like food on a plate. It was never convenient for him to face his life in this context. There was always something better, something more important. And Aria had always given him a perfect excuse to push it to the back of his mind.

And there was that feeling again. The one that said what happened to her was his fault, because he couldn't deal with his own life. That someone was slapping him in the face with reality because he needed to finally open up to what had become of his life.

Even as she slipped her fingers into his palm and wrapped her fingers around the plaster cast, it was like someone was tearing a lightening bolt down between them. Just shy of the perfect answer wasn't what she was looking for, and the truth wasn't something he was willing to give. They were starting to slowly pull apart at the seams.

Because she was damaged, she thought.

Because she deserved better than someone who was too screwed up to face the reality his life had become, he believed. She deserved to have someone who could really help her through this, instead of someone who continued to run from it all. She was better than him.

"I love you, Aria." But you won't love me when you know just how fucked up I am.

The not-damaged parts of me, right? She thought. "I love you too."