Hey everyone, enjoy part two, I'd appreciate some comment if anyone is actually reading. Thanks!
Slight tw for unconsciously picking skin, could be counted as self-harm so just fyi.
Once Maria had gotten clearance to take the restraints off Natasha, they first headed down to the computer room.
Natasha wanted to see what she'd done before she could even think about facing Clint.
Maria cleared the room of personnel and loaded up the footage from earlier.
She stayed behind Natasha, non-threatening and almost comforting as the redhead watched the screen play.
She stayed quiet, teeth gritted and her hand covering her mouth as she watched the woman, no, she watched herself, stalk across the room.
She had tossed her friends around without a second thought, and as Clint crumpled under the baton in her hand, she wished she could look away.
She owed it to her friends to see it through though.
She watched as the man struggled under her thighs, her lips pulled back in an animalistic grin.
"Fucking hell." Natasha hissed, shaking her head and rubbing at the beginnings of a killer migraine in her forehead.
"You're wrong, Maria, there was no me left in there. Look at them, they didn't stand a chance." She ground out.
Hill frowned and tapped the space bar to pause the recording.
"I don't believe that." She began quietly. "You snap necks like it's your job, and technically it kinda is. This was...incapacitating them. This wasn't killing."
Natasha just shook her head, rolling her shoulders. "It's hard to recognise that as me. I haven't...been that way in a very long time. Even when I'm on mission, I'm never...what's the word? Brutal? Animal?" She sighed.
"I'm always deadly, yes, but this was...it was something else. There's something in my head and, Maria, there is something very wrong with me." She breathed.
Hill frowned and sat down on the desk, facing her. "Natasha, what they did to you...That's not who you are. That's what they made you but you're right, you are different now. You're struggling with the conditioning, I understand that, but I promised you earlier that we would get that shit out of your head. If I have anything to do with it, that will never happen again." She said firmly.
Natasha blinked in shock, taking a deep breath. It wasn't that they weren't friends, they definitely were, it was that when they hung out, they rarely ever got into the deep stuff.
One night, they'd both been drunk as fuck after a rare night out. Natasha had divulged a little then. How some days she felt closer to Natalia Romanova than Natasha, how some nights she wouldn't be able to stop thinking about the things she had done back then, the pain she had caused and the death she had wrought.
Hill, drunk and drowsy, hadn't realised the gravity of what she was saying and had changed the subject. Now, she wished she hadn't been quite as drunk and had spoken to her more.
"I can't thank you enough for taking me down in there." Natasha said quietly, slowly lifting her head.
"I have no idea what would have happened, or if I would've ended up deeper in it and killed you all." She murmured, her face pale as she pressed the play button and watched the rest of the footage.
"God, you even pulled my name out." Natasha murmured, brow raising.
"Yeah, sorry about that. I was trying to disorientate you." Maria sighed.
"No, don't apologise, please." She murmured. "It worked. I'm gonna have to tell Clint that. Though, he would hate having to pretend to be one of them."
Maria shrugged. "It wasn't pleasant but yeah, it worked."
Natasha nodded, tiredly realising she really did need to go see Clint.
"Thanks, Maria." She said softly, honestly.
"Of course." She smiled, reaching forward and squeezing her shoulder. "I'm going to be running point on everything until Coulson gets back from Bahrain with May. I'll be meeting you before and after therapy, and if needed will be your escort to de-sensitization."
"I appreciate that." Natasha nodded her head. "I'll see you tomorrow then, Maria."
With that, the redhead left the room and headed down to the med centre.
She stopped on the way at the canteen, trying to ignore all the eyes on her as she grabbed some jello and pudding for Clint. As she paid, someone tapped her on the shoulder and she recoiled, swinging around to glare at them.
"I heard you nearly killed your partner," The man said, and Natasha realised she really didn't recognise him. He had to have been new, and the agents sat behind him had grins on their faces. Obviously showing off for them, the agent jabbed a finger at her chest.
"You really think Shield are gonna let a loose cannon like you leave now? You're a danger to everyone, Black Widow, you're gonna be screaming down in psych soon and you're never gonna leave." He spat, grinning.
Natasha swallowed and desperately tried to push down her anger. She could tell he was spoiling for a fight, he wanted to prove himself by taking down the infamous Black Widow.
Natasha did something she rarely ever did; she walked away.
She had just enough presence of mind to grab the two cups before fleeing the canteen.
She felt the annoying, embarrassing tell-tale tickling of tears behind her eyelids and she calmly brushed her cheeks off and pushed it down as she stalked through the doors.
They admin staff had obviously been told to expect her, bless Hill, and they let her through without fuss.
She walked into his room, swallowing hard.
Clint had dark bruises covering his throat and she looked down at her hands, all evidence of her squeezing the life out of him gone from her fingers.
He seemed comfortable enough, though she could see stitches working their way through his hair.
She slowly walked towards him, afraid to reach out and touch him.
She placed the cups on the cabinet and tried to decide if she should just leave when suddenly he was grabbing her wrist gently.
"Hey, Tash." He said softly, an easy smile on his face.
Suddenly furious at his tone, she ripped her hand away.
"How?" She demanded, shaking her head. "How can you sit there and grin at me after what I did to you?!"
Clint sat up, his smile dropping as his fingers nervously darted across the blanket.
"'Cause it wasn't you." He shrugged. "You wouldn't hurt me, Tash, it wasn't you." He bit his lip as he tried to catch her gaze.
"I nearly killed you, how is that not hurting you?" She asked, incredulous.
"You weren't in control, Natasha." He frowned, trying again to reach for her hand. "I know that, I know you."
"Clearly not well enough, because you're in here, in medical because I choked you and knocked you unconscious." She growled, her heartbeat pounding in her ears.
"I'm alright, Tasha. It's nothing I haven't had before, I've had worse sparring with others."
"Bullshit." She growled. "They don't lose control enough to hurt you like this."
"Natasha, look, I ain't gonna bullshit you. You hurt me, yeah, but you didn't kill me and you weren't you." He reiterated, finally catching her fingers from where they were absently picking at a scab on her arm.
"I saw your eyes, how you spoke. You were…her, you were Natalia, not Natasha. Don't confuse them. I know it's sometimes hard to distinguish but…but basically, you weren't you." Sometimes he wasn't the best with words and he often stuck to one train of thought.
Natasha's legs were shaking and she sank down into the seat as her eyelids burned and her throat ached as she pushed back tears yet again.
"She nearly killed you." She whispered.
Clint's face softened. "She did. You did not. I can promise you, Natasha, I trust you to never hurt me."
Natasha gave a soft sniffle. "How?"
His lips quirked back into a little smile. "Because you're my best friend, my partner and you've never hurt me before. Even when I came to kill you."
"Didn't hurt you? I broke your nose?" her face screwed up a little.
"Well, yeah, but it barely hurt. And back then, you were still…Natalia more often. But when I came for you, and you dropped to your knees and refused to hurt me, that was you."
"How can you even look at me?" She whispered, hate for herself clawing at her insides.
"Because you're beautiful." Clint teased, touching her jaw. "And I love you." He shrugged. "It's really that simple."
"I watched the footage-"
"Nat, why? Don't do that to yourself. Remember after Loki, you caught me watching the tapes of what I'd done over and over. It only made me feel worse and you literally burned all the hard copies of the tapes for me. It doesn't help, Natasha, re-watching what they did." He whispered.
"I'm sorry." Natasha sighed softly. "Sometimes it's hard to remember that you've been there before and you understand."
"You know that I do." He echoed her words from the hellicarrier after he'd woken from her 'mental recalibration'.
Natasha sniffled again, alerting Clint to the fact that she probably hadn't let herself cry yet.
"C'm'ere, Tash." He murmured, pulling back the blanket and waiting for her to climb in.
She did so, a long sigh escaping her lips as she sank into the bed. Every inch of her hurt.
She closed her eyes and felt Clint slid his hand down her back, rubbing up and down. She hummed softly. "That's good." She hummed and Clint grinned at her.
"I know, who's the kitten now huh?"
Natasha silently scratched under his jaw, watching his head tip back and a shaky exhale leave his lips.
"Still you, Barton, always you"
