Conrad Verner, Poetry slam!
Ah, it was good to be saving the galaxy again!
Or rather...it was good to be taking the first baby steps to saving the galaxy again! Turns out saving the galaxy was expensive. People expected people to pay for medical care! And transportation! Which meant they needed…
"YOU'RE BROKE!?"
...that.
Conrad lifted his hands defensively. "I like to think of it as 'a fresh playthrough'."
"We're going to starve you bumbling bafoon!" The Quarian screamed.
"That's not true! We have a lovely assortment of dumpsters to dive-"
"That's disgusting! I couldn't even eat it!"
"Well now you're just being picky."
"I. Am. A. Quarian!"
"Wheeeeeeee!" Niftu soared between them. "Guys! Guys! I see...colors!"
Conrad patted his shoulder, "Good job keeping the watch, buddy."
The Quarian helmet-palmed, "Great. He's gone from high and mighty to just high."
Conrad pumped his fist, "Don't worry, team. We may be down, but there's nowhere to go but up!"
"Up? But what about..." Niftu looked at his hand and wonder, "What happened to down? Is it on vacation?"
The Quarian looked at Niftu, "Oh, there's going to be a lot of coming down for you."
"Let's look around. There's gotta be someone around here in need of heroism. I bet they'll even give us a reward!"
The Quarian tilted her head, "You mean someone off the streets. That doesn't actually happen in real life, engine-fodde-"
"There!" Conrad pointed to an Asari pinching the bridge of here nose. A krogan was making grand gestures at her a short distance away. To this average person, this was a sign to be left alone.
To Conrad, this screamed 'Hello brave hero! Come save now please I have reward!'
"Hello there, citizen! Are you in need of heroism?"
Niftu bumbled along, humming tunelessly. The Quarian sighed, "No. No, there's no way this actually works. Maybe I should just go, he probably won't noti-" the asari slavebroker poked out from behind a corner and pointed menacingly at her contract with a promising glare, before disappearing.
"...did that just happen?"
The asari turned to Conrad, "Uh, who are you?"
Conrad puffed out his chest, "The name's Conrad Verner, hero of the galaxy (pending), protégé and bestest buddy of Commander Shepard. These are my counterparts, Niftu Cal the Biotic God, and the Quarian."
The Quarian froze. "You don't know my name, do you?"
She stared warily at him, "Um, hi. Look, is there something I can do for you?"
Conrad grinned, "It's' not what you can do for I, but what I can do for you."
"Uh...huh."
"Seriously, how do you not know my name?"
He pointed to The Krogan, "Is this citizen bothering you, other citizen?"
She looked at The Krogan, who was still spouting awful poetry as if he hadn't noticed she was occupied, "Oh Blue Rose of Illium, let your roots dig deep into the hot soil of Tuchanka!"
"Oh, him." She sighed, "Look, that's just my boyfriend. We're taking a break, and he's trying to show me how 'sensitive' he is."
"You're just going to keep ignoring me, aren't you." The Quarian said.
"And is he disturbing you?" Conrad asked.
"Thought so." The Quarian sighed.
"I mean I think he's scaring away some of my customers, but why should I care? I'm just a clerk. And the owner can go fu-"
"Fear not, citizen!" Conrad announced dramatically, "I shall deal with this menace on your behalf!"
She blinked, "'Kay..."
Conrad strolled up to The Krogan with undeserved confidence. His two companions followed, slumped over for very different reasons.
He ignore them. "Let our scorching sun and sheeting rain turn your supple beauty into strength!"
"You there! Cease your harassment of the innocent this instant!"
The Krogan finally paused, "Oh, are you here to make fun of me too? Well go ahead! So what if I once pointed a rifle the wrong way! So what if I'm scared of spiders! I may be krogan, but I have a beautiful soul, and I will show it to my beloved!"
Conrad nodded 'sagely'. "I see. Then there is only one way to stop you...by beating you at your own game!"
He pointed dramatically, "Krogan! For all your crimes and pesti...pesticides?"
"Pestilences." The Quarian sighed.
"-pestilences, I challenge you...to a poetry slam!"
"Dun dun duuuuuuun!" Niftu groaned, before giggling like a schoolgirl.
The Krogan lit up, "Ah, a chance to show my strength to my beloved! I accept!"
The Quarian stared in disbelief, "Hooooooow?"
Conrad and The Krogan circled each other with predatory gaze. "Begin, human."
"Gladly." Conrad smirked and assumed his 'poetry stance'.
"Yo! The name's Conrad Verner
And I'm here to say,
I'm here to save the galaxy
so get outta my way!
My loyal crew at my back-"
"Lies"
"-you just ain't fit.
So get outta my sight, 'cuz I've...
...got some asses to kick!"
The krogan nodded approvingly, "Impressive Verner. But your blunt force poetry is no match for my grand flowing prose!"
The krogan placed a hand over his heart and began,
"The great sun Tuchanka shines brightly this day.
The day that I blast you, until nothing remains!
The burden of my people, though great it can be,
It has given me strength, enough to crush you beneath me!
"No!" Conrad shouted, wounded.
"I trained with the masters, come from disasters,
My heart is a blaster, my lips are the caster!
Now go ahead, I won't blame you to run,
Because I've already won this, at the end of round one!"
"Ah!" Conrad cried, "He's strong! Biotic god, take over!" He tagged him in and pulled the bumbling druggie to the forefront.
The stumbled, rolling forward like a bowling ball before his round form carried him back to his feet right in front of The Krogan. He looked up at the giant and chuckled.
"Your eyes are like...pudding cups.
So soft and delectable.
Could...could I please try some?
I promise I'll give them back after one bite."
"Good work, Biotic God! Lure him in!" Conrad shouted encouragingly.
"He's not even making sense!" The Quarian cried.
The Krogan scoffed, and readied his razor reply.
"My eyes belong only to my one true love,
The Blue Rose of Illium, not some rolly-polly thug!
My words are from the heart, not my ravenous gut.
Now shut your lips, all that emerges is smut."
The Biotic God shifted drunkenly on his feet, giggling, then falling on his back.
"Biotic God! Noooooo!" Conrad cried for his fallen friend.
The Krogan grinned haughtily, "Is that all you got?"
"Quarian! Take over!" Conrad cried as he ran to help his friend. He rolled him away from the battlefield like a beach ball.
She stared at Conrad, then at The Krogan, who shot her a reassuring smile. "Go on," he said.
"What?"
"It's your turn," he said politely.
"My...turn?"
"Oh yes. Please, take your time." He said like a true gentleman.
She stared at him, sighing and sloughing over.
"Keelah, I hate this.
Why am I stuck with this fool?
I want to go home."
The Krogan gasped, "Oh no...a haiku master!"
The Quarian looked at him shiftily,
"What, haiku master?
What are you talking about?
I'm just speaking here."
"Gah! There it is again!"
"Good job, Quarian! Keep going!" Conrad shouted encouragingly from the sidelines.
But the Krogan was would not be defeated so easily!
"I see you are skilled.
But I am no push-over!
I will play your game!"
Conrad Verner squealed from the sidelines. The haiku battle had begun!
She tilted her heard,
"But what's a haiku?
Can you at least explain it?
How am I winning?"
"But you will not win!"
I shall win this for my love.
Defeat is calling!"
She turned to Conrad,
"Conrad, really now?"
Am I going crazy too?
I blame you for this!"
"Eyes front, quarian!
That man is not your opponent!
Only I can...can..." He froze and went pale. "Oh no..."
"Aha! Too many syllables!" Conrad cried.
The Krogan recoiled with fear, "No...no, give me another chance!"
Conrad jumped into the center dramatically, "Excellent work, Quarian! I'll take it from here!"
The Quarian just stared before walking away, "Screw it. I don't even care anymore."
Conrad eyes the Krogan triumphantly as it took a step back, but today belonged to Team Verner!
"So now you see the strength of my team!
Together we're united, the thing of a dream!"
The Krogan recoiled as if punched.
"So go on and fall, we have nothing left to discuss.
Because no one will ever!"
Punched!
"Ever!"
Punched!
"be too much for us!"
"NOOOOOOOO!" The Krogan flew back and crashed on the ground, defeated. The few passer-bys who stopped to see what the commotion was tossed a few credits at their feet and went on their way.
The Biotic God stumbled up beside the Quarian, "That was...equilistrius!" it sounded like a word in his head.
"The battle of the Blockheads." The Quarian christened it.
Conrad walked up to the fallen Krogan, who held up his hand in a call for mercy, "I concede. Your team truly is...too strong for me."
"You were a worthy opponent." Conrad said.
The Krogan got up and walked over to his love in disgrace. "My Rose...no, my Rose no more...I have been shamed. I am sorry."
She sighed and pinched her nose, "Charr, you should have just talked with me in the first place!"
"I did not know if I was worthy...now it is clear I am not." He looked up at her finally, determined, "But I swear to you my love, I will become so!"
He turned to Conrad, "Human, your team is strong. Please, let me journey with you! I must grow under the suns of other worlds before I may blossom beside my love!"
Conrad grinned, "Welcome aboard, Charr!"
The Quarian slouched in defeat, "Great, another moron."
The Biotic God giggled menacingly, "Yes, keep him close...I will have those pudding cups yet!"
Charr turned to his very embarrassed love, who was motioning for him to hurry up, "Wait for my return, I will find my worth and come back to bloom with you."
"Yeah, sure. Just...go, please. I really need time to think about...everything,"
"I will, my Blue Rose!" he called, before running to the team. "Well team, what's our mission? Saving a star cluster? Defeating some ancient enemy from dark space?"
"Shuttle money." The Quarian groaned.
Charr lit up. "I'm a technician at the docks! I can get us a shuttle!"
"Really? Where can we go?"
"Anywhere you like!"
Conrad nodded, looking up at the heavens. At last, they would be open to him again! Hold on, galaxy...your savior is coming!
"To the Citadel, then. Our journey takes us to the heart of civilization!
The Quarian trailed after her far more enthusiastic teammates. "The Citadel...there must be someone sane there. Right?"
Right?
And so our 'heroes' continue to grow as another joins their merry band! What perils await them at the Citadel? Will they even arrive with what little sanity they possess remaining intact?
Find out next time in:
Conrad Verner: Stowaway Extraordinaire!
