Chapter Two
...
"Do you, Kisame Hoshigaki, take this bitch to be your lawful wedded wife?" asked Hidan.
"I do"
"Do you, Mei Terumi, take this shark to be your lawful wedded husband?"
Mei looked up at Kisame, with tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, I can't…"
"Shut up, bitch!" Hidan interrupted, "You can't back out now. I had to sacrifice 100 of your villagers to get Jashin-sama's blessing for this wedding."
"You did WHAT?" screeched Mei.
"I now pronounce you man and wife. Shark-face, kiss the fucking bride!"
"Gladly."
"No, wait! I didn't agree to… mffph."
Kisame stopped her protests with a kiss and after a moment's hesitation she returned it passionately. It seems even the commitment phobic Mizukage couldn't resist his manly charms.
…
"Kisame-san, wake up."
He opened his eyes to see a familiar orange-masked man leaning over him.
"Damn Tobi-chan, I was having an amazing dream. What are you doing here?"
"Tobi is dying!" he said dramatically.
"What? What's wrong?"
"Tobi's head feels like it's going to explode."
Kisame sighed. "It's just a hangover. It's because you drank too much sake last night. You'll get better soon."
Later the three remaining Akatsuki members met in the kitchen. Zetsu and Tobi were being unusually quiet. Kisame smirked and considered mentioning that he doesn't get hangovers, but decided not to rub it in. He started to fry some bacon in the dented frying pan from yesterday.
"Do you guys want some?" he asked.
"Yes please."
"Need… bacon…"
Kisame added the entire pack of bacon to the pan.
"So will you guys be up for round 2 of the leadership battle later?" he asked cheerfully.
Zetsu groaned. "I don't feel like moving… at all."
"Tobi doesn't want to be eaten again."
"Well that's fine. I've actually had an idea… Why don't we go to Amegakure and ask Konan-san to become our leader?"
"Ok, Tobi thinks Konan-chan is nice."
"Whatever." "But I'm not going anywhere today. Just give me some food then leave me alone."
The next morning they all left the hideout and set off to the Village Hidden by Rain. Tobi still wore his Akatsuki cloak although it had several rips from when he got bitten.
"Zetsu-san, do you think Konan-chan will be happy to see us?" he asked.
"No. I doubt she'll want to come back to the Akatsuki. Why would she when she has her own hidden village?"
"I don't see why she couldn't be in charge of both. Pain-sama was." pointed out Kisame. "Besides she could probably use a couple of S-rank ninja. I don't think she'll turn us away."
"Are we nearly there yet?" asked Tobi.
"No. We only left ten minutes ago." Zetsu told him. "It'll take us a few days to get there."
"Ok. Tobi hasn't been to the Rain Village before. Is there lots of candy shops?"
"You're not allowed to eat sugary stuff, it makes you too hyper."
The childlike man turned his attention to his other friend. "Kiiiiiisameee-saaaan." he sang.
"Alright, if you be good I'll buy you a lollipop."
"Tobi is always good."
They didn't encounter much trouble on their way to Amegakure. Just a few bounty hunters, some Mist ANBU and Team Hebi. Nothing they couldn't handle easily. Zetsu ate his fill of corpses and Kisame had a fun swordfight with Suigetsu and a nice little chat with Sasuke about his older brother.
"It's a shame they didn't want to join us." said Kisame after Team Hebi had left. "That Suigetsu-kun is a cute kid. There's no way he's getting his hands on my Samehada though."
"Karin-san was scary." Tobi whimpered.
Soon enough they arrived in Amegakure.
"Wow. Those buildings are so tall." said Tobi, gawking at all the skyscrapers.
"We should head towards the tallest one." said Zetsu. "That's where Konan is likely to be."
"You could fit a lot of candy in one of these buildings." Tobi observed.
Zetsu sighed. "I'm sure you could, but let's pay a visit to Konan first."
"Maybe we should buy some chocolate for her?"
"No, let's go."
Arriving at the Hidden Rain HQ they went in to speak with the receptionist.
"We're looking for Konan. Is she here?" questioned Zetsu.
"Do you have an appointment?" the bored-looking ninja behind the desk asked.
"No but Konan-chan is our friend. She'll want to see us." Tobi told her.
The woman sighed. "I don't think so. Please leave."
Then she suddenly jumped backwards as Samehada came crashing down onto her desk, smashing it into two halves and sending chunks of wood flying everywhere.
"SECURITY!" she yelled and the three partners in crime found themselves surrounded.
"Now this is a nice welcoming party." said Kisame with a sharp-toothed smile.
"What are you doing?" hissed Zetsu.
"I reckon if we make enough noise then Konan-san will come to see what's going on." the swordsman told him. "Although we probably shouldn't kill anyone, we don't want to piss her off too much."
The Rain ninja attacked.
The Monster of the Hidden Mist used water techniques to knock most of the down, drenching the area in the process. Then he swung his giant sword around (albeit more lightly than usual) and fought them head-on, giggling maniacally.
Finding himself surrounded, Zetsu quickly sunk into the floor and popped up elsewhere in the room. However more and more ninja were joining the battle and Zetsu was attacked relentlessly. He made several clones for distraction and they all kept disappearing into the ground and emerging in different places while his enemies played a game of whack-a-Zetsu.
Tobi was rushed by the Rain ninja but all their attacks just phased through him while the masked man taunted them.
Eventually a swirl of paper entered the room and Konan formed in front of them with paper wings keeping her aloft.
"What is the meaning of this?" she asked.
"Konan-chan!" Tobi exclaimed happily.
"We just wanted to speak with you but your receptionist wouldn't let us see you." Kisame told her.
She glanced towards her underlings, many of who were looking rather beat up.
"Leave us." she commanded and all the Rain ninja quickly left.
"We need you." Kisame told her. "You're the Akatsuki leader now, right?"
She remained silent, her face showing no emotion.
"Please." he pleaded.
"I am no longer a part of the Akatsuki." She began to scatter into sheets of paper.
"Wait!"
"I'm sorry but the five Kages have threatened action against this village if I don't stay away from the Akatsuki and the remaining jinchuuriki. I expect you to be gone from this place by tomorrow." Her entire body now transformed into paper, which all folded into little aeroplanes and flew away.
"Don't leave us Konan-chan!" Tobi wailed and chased after the paper aeroplanes.
"Maybe if he acts cute and begs her to be our leader then she'll agree. She always was quite fond of him." Kisame said, hopefully.
"Give it up. She doesn't want anything to do with us." "I told you so." said Zetsu smugly.
Kisame sighed. "Fine. Let's go outside, Tobi-chan will be able to find us later."
"Of course he will, I can never get rid of the annoying brat."
The odd-looking pair exited the building. It had begun to rain heavily.
"This is nice." the shark-nin said as the rain poured over his blue skin and into his gills.
Zetsu grew his venus fly-trap. "Yeah I needed a good watering."
They stood out amongst the Hidden Rain populace, one half-naked shark-man and one fully naked plant-man. Most of the passers-by gave them a wide berth but one ninja walked right by them while giving them a glance filled with curiosity.
"Sand nin." said Zetsu, seeing the hourglass symbol on his forehead protector. "What are you doing in Amegakure?"
"Nothing to do with you." Kankuro replied without stopping.
The Akatsuki spy quickly caught up to the Sand ninja who had purple face paint and a black hood. He looked familiar, and then Zetsu remembered him from a spying mission in Sunagakure. He was the Kazekage's brother. Zetsu was even more intrigued as to what he was doing here.
"Why are you going to the HQ? What is your business there?" he pressed.
"Leave me alone." Kankuro told him but a black arm reached out to grab hold of him.
Breaking free of Zetsu's grip, Kankuro leapt away and summoned a puppet from a scroll.
Kisame grinned at hearing the eerie rattling noise the big puppet made. "This brings back memories." he said. "Although I doubt you'll put up as good a fight as Sasori-san."
Kankuro stiffened. "What do you know of Sasori of the Red Sands?"
"Hey now!" said Zetsu. "I didn't want to start a fight; I just wanted to ask a few questions."
Kankuro glanced towards him, looking a bit puzzled by his drastic change in voice.
"Who are you?" the puppeteer asked.
"I'd rather not say."
"Then don't expect me to answer your questions."
"Fair enough." Zetsu conceded.
Kankuro walked to the Rain HQ with his battle puppet guarding his back. The criminal duo let him go although Kisame looked disappointed at letting a fight pass him by. Then Tobi came running out of the HQ and slammed into Kankuro.
"Tobi is sorry!" he apologised.
"Akatsuki!" Kankuro snarled, noticing the black cloak with red clouds on it.
"Yes." said Tobi proudly. "They let in only the strongest ninja you know."
Kankuro looked back at the two ninja he'd just passed. He now recognised the tall blue man as Kisame Hoshigaki although the other one remained a mystery.
Zetsu and Kisame watched the Sand shinobi enter Konan's workplace, he looked furious.
"Konan isn't supposed to associate with us anymore." said Zetsu.
"She'll be fine." Kisame told him. "We left a big enough mess in the reception for her to tell him that we're not on good terms anymore. And if he doesn't believe that then she could always murder him before he sends any reports back to the Kazekage."
Tobi then caught up to them.
"Did you speak with Konan-san?" asked Kisame.
"No, I couldn't catch up to her." said Tobi sadly. "Who was that man with the funny face paint?"
"Just some puppet user from Suna."
Tobi played with the ring on his thumb. "Like Deidara-sempai's old partner?"
"Yeah, did you know him?"
"Not very well, he didn't like Tobi."
"I remember him always complaining to me about you trying to sneak into the basement."
"Oh, I finally got to see what was down there after he got killed by his grandma. It was full of all his big wooden toys! They looked a bit scary though so I painted happy faces on them all, but Deidara-sempai said my art was rubbish and blew them to bits."
Walking in the pouring rain, they soon passed by a restaurant. They entered and sat down at a table by the window.
"Can I take your orders?" a nervous waitress asked the dangerous looking customers.
"Tuna."
"Dangos."
"I've brought my own food." Zetsu begin to gnaw on a human arm. "But I would like some dips."
"Gi Gi Gi."
"No Samehada, you can't have any sake."
"So we've got to leave by tomorrow." said Zetsu around a mouthful of human flesh.
"Do we have time to go to the candy shops?" asked Tobi hopefully.
"Yes." Kisame told him. "But I need to go clothes shopping first since I've stopped wearing that stupid cloak."
"It's not stupid."
"If you say so... I really need to buy some new shirts; all my old ones are too tight now that I've been working out a lot."
Zetsu eyed the shirtless blue man. He had bulked up quite a bit recently. He stared at his muscular chest for a while and then his eyes lowered towards Kisame's navy blue trousers that were sopping wet from the rainwater and…
"WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO IMAGINE KISAME WITHOUT ANY PANTS!" black Zetsu shouted at his white side.
The entire restaurant fell silent. It was awkward.
Their food took a while to arrive but it was delicious and they were given extra-large servings in the hope that they wouldn't slaughter the entire restaurant staff and eat their corpses.
"Tobi can't eat another dango."
"I guess you've got no room for candy then."
"There is always room for candy."
Just as they were about to leave an origami piece in the shape of a bird tapped its beak against the window.
Tobi rushed to open the door and the purple paper bird flew past him and landed in Kisame's hands; its colour matched his nail polish.
The origami bird unfolded itself revealing its message:
Dear Kisame-san,
I apologise for turning you away earlier. I've realised now that I can't abandon my old comrades but you must understand that I can't be seen associating with you, for the good of my village. I have a mission available that I think you will enjoy. Meet me in one hour on the roof of the Angel Hotel and I will brief you about it. Come alone and make sure that nobody knows about this besides Tobi and Zetsu. Tell them that I will be in touch as soon as I find them suitable missions.
Kind regards,
Konan.
Kisame smiled happily. "We need to leave now." he said, knowing he couldn't discuss Konan's message in a busy restaurant.
"What did it say?" demanded Tobi.
Zetsu had already read the letter over Kisame's broad shoulder.
"Top secret." he murmured into Tobi's ear. "We'll tell you when we get somewhere private."
They left the restaurant forgetting to pay for their food, although the frightened waitress was happy enough just to remain uneaten.
A second paper bird flew towards them. This one was pink and landed in Zetsu's hands. It unfolded itself to reveal a map leading to the Angel Hotel. It was a long walk, when they finally got there another origami bird flew through the entrance with them. Tobi tried to catch it but it evaded his grasp and made its way to the front desk. They followed after it and once the receptionist read its message he gave them each a key and told them to stay as long as they needed for free.
They ran up the stairs all the way to the top of the 20 story building (Kisame didn't trust elevators) and entered their room. It was large with four single beds and an en-suite bathroom and a kitchen area. Tobi bounced onto one of the beds, he was brimming with curiosity.
"Konan-chan gave you a letter. What did it say?"
"She wants me to meet her on the rooftop soon. It looks like she's agreed to become our leader." Kisame said happily.
"Listen Tobi. We're working for Konan secretly. You can't let anyone know about this." Zetsu stressed.
Tobi nodded.
"It's very important. Konan will be in big trouble if the five Kages find out that she's still with the Akatsuki.
"Tobi understands. You can trust me, I'm a good boy."
"I guess I'll leave in ten minutes, I want to get there early to make sure Konan-sama doesn't have to wait for me." Kisame said.
"Tobi is happy to be seeing Konan-chan again!"
"I was told to go alone. You'll stay with Zetsu-san, right?" Kisame asked, sitting down next to his friend and draping an arm across his shoulder.
"Alright." said Tobi. "So why does Konan-chan want to be alone with you? Are you going on a date?"
"What? No." Kisame blushed, his cheeks turning purple.
Tobi giggled. "You should give her some flowers. Pretty girls like flowers; I used to give some to Deidara-sempai all the time."
Kisame laughed but stopped when he heard a small sigh from Tobi.
"You miss him, right?"
"Yeah."
Kisame, not knowing what to say to console his friend, just pulled him into a tight hug.
White Zetsu was jealous seeing Kisame wrap his arms around another man, even though he knew it was a purely platonic hug.
"I think you should leave right now. You don't know how long it took that bird to find you. An hour could have passed already."
"You're right, I'll go now." Kisame stood up. "Why don't you take Tobi-chan to a candy store while I'm gone?"
The black and white man scowled while Tobi cheered.
