Chapter Two : We Love You, Strategically Placed Plot-central Rainbow Castle

As if that shitstorm wasn't enough, the two love-ravens had a lot on their hands, especially the nondescript white liquid and the blood, and even now they could not be sure if it was the blood of the hog from the barbecue or the blood of the untimely deceased Mr. and Mrs. Emohive. The terror they were to encounter was by no means over, and what they would see next would both haunt and mildly arouse them for decades to come. But before that, they had the somewhat pressing problem of the shit troll yet to overcome. It had grown both in size and in the reeking odour it left behind, and it had taken to de-foresting the surrounding woods in an attempt to find some form of fibre so it could shrink back to its original, but still quite large and smelly, figure.

Peeping through the tiny but sufficient peephole of the mauled and badly burned portaloo, Will could not tell which would be worse; this fat fuck or the constipated grandma, though he was sure that either would be pretty darn bad, and after all this neither of them had managed to retrieve their pants back. But Will, ever the modern gentleman, had managed to throw together a rapidly deteriorating loincloth fashioned from the remaining few metres of bogroll that the shit troll hadn't deteriorated with its intense smell. And Sebastian, ever the guy that couldn't give less of a fuck in a dark forest full of human charcoal and shit troll, decided to go bottomless for lack of a better solution. Fair enough.

They sort of just sat there for a bit, not really knowing what to do, and really not particularly bothered at the time, until the reek got to them, and of course it had drug-like qualities, so even fine men of their caliber were reduced to panicked crackheads with the mental age of three year old psychopaths.

And what do drugged three year old psychopaths do?

Well there wasn't much left to kill, their unintoxicated selves had made sure of that, and the shit troll was already out of sight looking for more people to engulf to make up for all that cake trapped in its digestive system, so really all they could do was run about until they whacked their heads on the closest thing and passed out.

Typically, this just happened to be a fucking huge castle, and oddly, it was painted in swirling rainbow colours like a medieval gay bar (which was pretty much what it was, to be honest), and draped lovingly from turret to door in tastefully decorated buntings of what appeared to be giant red g-strings.

But those two didn't notice at all, and they were already spinning about in circles screaming "YAY COLOURS!" over and over in falsetto and gradually crashing onto the floor, puffed out and equally fucked up.

But then, just when you expected the chapter to end, the giant dick-shaped door opened, and a man, no, woman, no, man, no, woman, well let's just call it it, "it" stepped out and laughed a shrill little sex laugh, bending down to stroke Sebastian's now artistically tousled hair and pressing a red stiletto to his crotch in an attempt to wake him. But Sebastian had balls of steel, so that didn't work out half as well as he had expected.