Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass. (If I did, this wouldn't be FAN fiction, now would it?)
Chapter 2: Allies of Justice
And so that's what we did. Corrupt government officials, terrorists or just dishonest businessmen cheating the weak. We passed judgment on them all. It was exhilarating, but very tiring. I started sleeping though classes all the time. Lelouch did too, of course, but that hadn't been considered that unusual before he became Zero, so it didn't really attract much notice. Still, when I once confronted him about it, he simply said that, due to her tragic past, Nunnally suffered from nightmares, so he was frequently awakened in the night. I have no idea to this day if that particular story was actually true or just a cover, but I quickly dropped the subject. Still, I grew to care about these spoiled Britannians more than I thought possible. I even didn't particularly mind all the bizarre events that Milly was always coming up with. (Okay, I hated that day we went to Clovis Land, but that's understandable, right?) Still the gender-bending festival was kind of fun.
The best part of all was the Lelouch looked ridiculous, but at the same time disturbingly beautiful in that fancy dress. Too bad my comment on his popularity spiked another debate into my relationship with him. Since I was absent from school at the same time, I didn't realize that my absences from class coincided perfectly with Lelouch's, which definitely did NOT go unnoticed and must have looked suspicious. Grr, Lelouch, if your so freaking smart, why didn't you anticipate this?
I tried to deflect the accusations by calling Lelouch a hideous girl, but Suzaku nearly made me lose it with his girly cry of "How could you call a girl hideous!?" At any rate, at least for once I got to make you squirm, Lelouch, instead of the other way around.
I loved those times. When I thought Lelouch was just Lelouch and Suzaku was just Suzaku. When I could just be Kallen Stadtfeld the schoolgirl and not Kozuki Kallen the Black Knight. Not that I didn't believe that what I was doing was the right thing to do. It's just until I had these friends, I never had moments that reminded me just what I was fighting for. So that all people in Japan could have moments with their friends, and just be…silly.
Unfortunately, there was no denying it, most people in Japan, while willing to ignore the Black Knights' activity and not report us to the authorities, were still not ready to really fight back. Most still had no fight, no pride left in them. And my constant reminder of that was the one that met me with a weak smile everyday. I just wanted for her to go away. My mother. Why she never just told me she was staying there in order to be with me, I still don't know. Back before the Black Rebellion, she still hadn't recovered enough to speak much, and I haven't seen her since then……I'm not even sure where she is…maybe I'll ask Nunnally.
Nunnally. I didn't realize then what Lelouch was talking about that day, but I think it was about him and Nunnally. He stopped me from getting into a fight with a bunch of thugs beating on an 'Eleven' that day. I could've taken them; there were only five. But it would have destroyed the image I so desperately needed to maintain. Lelouch, even when he wasn't Zero, he was always keeping an eye on me, making sure I didn't make rash moves. Still, at the time, I was pissed at him. Not that that was unusual, but this day especially.
He understood so well how the world worked. In many ways, Japan was more stable as a satellite of the Empire. My people could even get a better life if they would put aside their pride. After all, you can't live on pride. You can't feed your family or give them a home with pride. But all I heard that day was a lazy boy who would rather flow along with the status quo rather than fight the current. He said it's easier to live by bowing to the Britannians. I thought of my mother and saw red. And I slapped him…hard.
But Lelouch, it was really you that you were talking about wasn't it. For so many years, you put aside your pride, putting up with a world you hated, all for the sake of taking care of your sister. You…love our land, our Japan, don't you? The land that took in your sister when your own people called her weak. The land where you met your first real friend, Suzaku. Seeing Japan like this, it hurts you…almost like Japan is your own land.
We're not so different, you and I. Both legally Britannians who both hate Britannia. Who feel more akin to Japan than the Motherland. We both lived in happy families consisting of a mother, a brother and a sister. You fight for your murdered mother and to help your invalid sister. I fight for my dead brother and to help my sick mother. We both abandoned our father's name for our mother's: vi Britannia for Lamperouge, Stadtfeld for Kozuki. Hell, we both even went to the extreme measure of living double lives. What a pair we make………Wait a minute, did I just call Lelouch and I a pair?...Um, anyway…
Refrain. It was a drug targeted at the Japanese. It made you relive the best days of your life. Just now, when Suzaku was here, I don't know why he thought Refrain would have made me give away Lelouch; the best days of my life were when we were all together at Ashford, before I even knew Lelouch and Zero were one and the same,…and when I was a child with my brother and my mother.
When we broke into that warehouse to bring down the Refrain drug ring, I didn't know what to expect, but to see my mother there was almost more than I could bear. I hated that the Japanese people had become weak; I hated her for constantly reminding me of it, yet when the time came, I couldn't let her go…
Someone once told me that there comes a time in each of our lives when we must chose what to let go of and what to hold on to. I never thought what I couldn't let go of was my mother. Yes, I loved her once, when Japan was strong. But then the mother I loved was crushed along with Japan. She was weak…or so I thought. Yet she had the strength to endure so much, just to stay by my side. And she did it while smiling the whole time. C.C. once told me that false smiles harm oneself. Maybe it's because she's much older than she looks, but C.C. really knows her stuff……sometimes.
So my mother wasn't weak. Japan wasn't weak. If anything, I was weak for not being able to bear the weight that so many of my people suffered every day. Even when she heard her prison sentence, the first words she choked out were words of encouragement for me. "Don't give up." I don't intend to.
I had come a long way, at least in my mind. I didn't hate all Britannians. I didn't hate my own people for losing their pride. I felt like I had finally found a reason to fight beyond just revenge for my brother. I would fight for a new world where we could all live equally, a world for my mother and me. That's why when Zero gave me control of the Guren, stating that I was the one with reason to fight, I almost found it unnerving. Even though he was there when I reconciled with mother, how could he know so much about me? It was almost like he knew me in another life, which, technically, he did, I guess.
Almost immediately after that we got news that Cornelia was going to attack the JLF at Narita. The source, a Britannian named Diethard Reid. I've come to really hate that man, but his information has always been spot on, I have to give him that much. So we got all the Black Knights together to go 'hiking.' I realized that this was to be a 'trial by fire' for us, one we couldn't afford to lose. A make or break point. But Zero told Ohgi and I to tell nothing of this to the others. It made me feel guilty, but because Zero put his trust (and the Guren) in my hands, I felt obligated, almost compelled to obey.
Compelled to obey. Even without your Geass, Lelouch, you have that type of hold on me. All because Zero showed a level of trust in me that most would only reserve for their closest friends and confidants. Ohgi seemed reluctant to not tell the others, but I convinced him that Zero knew what was best. That if we told them, they would run, and we would never know what we were really capable of. Lelouch, did you know I would do that? That I already had that much faith in Zero?...I may not have told anyone that you're Zero, Lelouch, but I really wish you were with me now to answer some of these questions…or maybe I just wish you were with me…Of course, then you would be captured to…That's just stupid Kallen!!
When the battle started, I honestly had no idea what Zero expected to happen when I was to use Guren's Radiation Wave on 'piercing electric-thingy number 3' or whatever it was. But then the landslide that happened, it was incredible. It wiped out the majority of the enemy forces with one blow, just like that. I had done that! With Zero's guidance, I had done that. But there was no time to rest. We had an objective: to capture Governor Cornelia, and her forces were already redeploying to counter our advance. But with the Guren, we finally had the ability to fight back on equal terms with Britannia. Even without long-range weapons, the Guren's speed and Radiation Wave let me cut through Sutherlands without a problem. As a result, with Zero's planning, and the fortunate timely arrival of Tohdoh and the Heavenly Swords, we quickly had the Governor trapped……until that White Armor showed up.
Suzaku. Lancelot. I spent so much time trying to destroy the White Armor without even knowing it was one of my best friends inside. Not that it would have made a difference. I even once told Suzaku after I found out that he was the pilot that I would destroy the Lancelot. It's never been personal, we just happen to have conflicting ideals that have landed us on opposite sides in a war. I guess that's really what makes war so tragic, that while nations rage, it's the good people playing soldiers that die, on both sides.
Secretly, I always hoped that Suzaku's talk of changing the system from the inside was, at least, plausible. He could work from the inside, I would work from the outside, and we could have met in the middle. After all, he was with Research and Development. He shouldn't have even been on the front lines. But it wasn't to be, I guess.
Wow, this stuff is pretty deep. "Too deep for you," C.C. would probably say. Lelouch, too. Then I'd slap him.
The Lancelot and the Guren. It was the first of many encounters. We were able to match blow-for-blow, with neither ever getting a true advantage over the other. It's like the machines were specifically designed to fight each other with no final victory. Not surprising really. I understand Rakshata and the designer of the Lancelot, an Earl Lloyd Asplund, are old research partners. (I guess that means that this Lloyd is probably the one gutting my Guren as I sit in this little cell. That thought just burns me up. He sure as hell better be kind to her.)
But I messed up. I stepped too close to the cliff. My Guren stood up to the Lancelot's assault, but the cliff did not. My Guren's right arm was damaged and we had to pull out without achieving our objective. I couldn't help but feel that it was my fault. But I was nearly in a panic when I realized that Zero wasn't at the rendezvous point. We hadn't won, but we had held our own against the Britannian military, all because of Zero. If we lost him, then what did any of it matter. We had a single victory, but lost the very means to achieve any others. It was with great relief when I received a call from him. I rushed to his location as quickly as I could, but when I got there, it was my first time with…her.
C.C. I guess technically it wasn't my first time with her. After all, I was in a runaway truck hauling her ass in a gas capsule that day in Shinjuku. And there's that aforementioned time when Lelouch grabbed me by the face because C.C. was strolling around campus like it was the most natural thing in the world for a wanted scientific research specimen to do. But this was our first meeting face-to-face. Zero told her, "I don't know why snow is white, but I think white snow is pretty. I don't hate it." I didn't like that. It sounded too much like poetry……but then I thought why should I care if Zero spouts poetry to this girl. That's when I realized…I was…no, not in love with Zero, but something like it. Smitten? I hated that word. It sounded so much like a schoolgirl crush sort of thing, but then, technically, I was a schoolgirl.
C.C. She picked up on it right away, and never let me forget it. There was that one time when Tamaki and I went on a supply run, and C.C. was already in the car. She wanted to go on a pizza run (I swear, the rebellion could probably afford a couple extra Burai with the money that girl spends on pizza. At least it's Lelouch's money.). After Tamaki "excused himself," I had my first girl talk with C.C. ever, one where she seemed to know everything about me and I knew nothing of her. Although, she did confess to me that she was lonely in a round about sort of way. To the best of my knowledge, I'm the only one other than Lelouch that she's ever confided anything to. And I know she's old—she told me that once, too—so I guess that's says something about our relationship. I just wish both of them, Lelouch and C.C., would trust me more. Although maybe it's for the best considering my current situation; the less I know the better.
Zero asked me not to say anything about C.C. when we got back to base. When I asked why, he said that Tamaki wouldn't like the thought of their leader using their resources for some woman. It was an obvious dodge, but I couldn't help but smile at the irony considering that Tamaki was, well…it's best not to dwell on things like that. Despite everything, Tamaki was one of my brother's best friends, so I'll always put up with him. Although I did feel he crossed the line when he demanded to see Zero's face. We all wanted to know, even me—especially me—but, if we forced him and he left, where would that leave us. So I was floored when Zero offered to show his face to me, and me alone.
Why did you do that Lelouch? Did you think since we were friends (albeit adversarial ones) that it would make me more loyal to you? What if it had been the opposite, that I felt betrayed that you hadn't told me earlier? Or did you feel you owed me after I saw you with C.C.? Was it a test? Would I have failed if I said yes? Or did you just trust me…both as my friend Lelouch and as my commander Zero? I just don't know.
For that matter, why did I refuse? Did I think it would still push you away, even if it was only I that knew? Was I afraid it was a test? Did I think it would be inappropriate? Or was I…smitten, and afraid the face under the mask could never compete with some sort of girly fantasy of love? Lord, I hope it wasn't the last one.
With my heart in utter confusion, I had almost forgot that we had been invited to Kyoto. The ones that gave us the Guren. The number one source of funding for those that would set Japan free. Zero, at first, didn't seem impressed, but after reviewing Tamaki's handling of our finances (and promptly turning them over to Ohgi), he decided to go meet them.
It was nearly a disaster. They demanded Ohgi remove Zero's mask, which he did, only it wasn't Zero, it was C.C. She identified the messenger from Kyoto as Taizo Kirihara. All hell nearly broke loose at that point; they were going to kill us. Then one of the Kyoto Knightmares disarmed the others and stormed the stage where the Kirihara was seated. And when the hatch opened, there was Zero. (When I get out of here, first thing I'm going to do is ask how the hell Lelouch and C.C. are always able to switch like that.) That's when Zero admitted he wasn't Japanese.
I was surprised, but not as much as I thought I would be. Zero had always spoken with a slight accent that made me wonder where, exactly, he was from, although I still had always assumed he was from our Japan. Looking back, I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. Lelouch has lived here for nine years now, since he was a young boy. It's not surprising that he picked up the language, even the accent, so flawlessly, especially considering his intelligence. Hell, knowing him, he probably learned Japanese during the plane ride over from the Motherland with enough time left over for a quick nap.
Still, how lucky was it that Kirihara was an old acquaintance of Lelouch. I mean seriously, Lelouch was friends with Suzaku, son of the previous prime minister, who was well acquainted with Kirihara?! What are the odds? Kirihara would have been one of the few people in all of Japan that would have understood right away why Lelouch would have to hide his face. If it was known that a prince of Britannia was leading a Japanese rebellion, everyone would have thought it was all just a giant farce. Almost everyone at any rate, I would have just seen Lelouch Lamperouge. And at that point…I honestly don't know what I would have thought.
You know, it just occurred to me. If the Lelouch and Suzaku were so crazy close as kids, he must have met Princess Kaguya, too, right? She is Suzaku's cousin. If Zero ever does remove his mask in front of her, will she be happy or sad with her 'husband.' Maybe she'll be pissed? Now, I really need to get out of here, if only to see that. Although, truthfully, I somehow cannot picture Kaguya as anything except impossibly…bubbly. I know that she was only around 13 or 14, when she was already one of the leaders of the largest underground financial empire in Japan, AND she has even more political savvy than Zero. I mean, she must be an absolute genius, and yet she still comes off as a smitten fangirl. (Even so, it's impossible to hate that unbridled optimism.) Lelouch, Kaguya. I guess it's true that there's a fine line between genius and insanity.
I actually learned later that Princess Kaguya was heartbroken that she hadn't met Zero during our little trip to Kyoto, but other than that, the meeting was more successful than I could have hoped. We were fully funded, volunteers were pouring in after our victory in Narita. I remembered the first time Zero had mentioned that one word: Win. It was happening. It was really, truly happening. Nothing could bring me down.
Then I found out that Shirley's father had been killed……in a landslide……at Narita……the one I started in the Guren. I had killed Shirley's father.
Please, PLEASE let Shirley be alright. Let it all just be a big lie. Her father's funeral was bad enough. I mean, if it's true, her mother is all alone now. Her mother wailed all through her father's funeral; if she's lost her daughter, too…It's just too much. I remember Suzaku's damning words at that funeral. I know he was angry, but still they weren't entirely untrue. What was worse was that I had been the one who did it, yet I couldn't even confess to Shirley what I had done. So I left Lelouch to comfort her instead.
Lelouch. Even though I started the landslide, he was the one who ordered it. I don't know how he got through that conversation without confessing everything; I wouldn't have been that strong, but he did it.
Of course the Black Knights didn't get any orders from Zero for a couple of days, which suited me just fine. I just sat in my room and stared at old pictures of my family, wondering why I had to have friends on both sides of this stupid war. It was easy to hurt the enemy when it was faceless. It got alot harder once I was able to see Britannians as people, too. But it was at this moment that I realized, the hardest enemy to fight is the one that in cutting it, you cut yourself at the same time. That's what this felt like. I had hurt my dear friend, and it tore through me like a knife. It hurt almost as badly as when my brother died.
Lelouch must have been feeling the same. I wish I had known then, because I really could have used someone that understood…that could have held me. If I had known then Lelouch, would you have held me? Would you have let me hold you? Would,…would you hold me now?...
Wait. Deep Breath. I promised I wouldn't panic about Shirley until I learned the absolute truth. I'm a POW. I need to keep a clear head for when an escape opportunity presents itself. Now's not the time to get depressed…and certainly not the time to get all…touchy, feely.
It wasn't the time then either. Soon enough, we got another call from Kyoto asking us to assist the JLF escape from Cornelia's forces. The plan was to cover them as they escaped with a massive supply of SakuraDite. We arrived, and Zero gave us our orders, but for the first time since that day we rescued Suzaku, I had serious doubts. Doubts that we were doing the right thing. Doubts that, looking back, weren't unfounded. The JLF 'apparently' committed suicide rather than be captured, taking their supply of SakuraDite with them. I was so enchanted by Zero back then that I didn't see, but I know Lelouch well enough now. He sacrificed them to open a path to Cornelia…
That was low Lelouch. Even if the JLF was a fossil organization surviving mostly on its reputation, they didn't deserve to be used like that. When you told me that sacrifices would have to be made, that we would have to do things that could be deplorable, I didn't think you meant right then. I came to you before that battle for comfort, and what you basically told me was your battle plan to murder soldiers fighting for Japan…
And yet, you did comfort me as well. And, at least you didn't target innocent civilians like the Britannians often did…like I used to. Once again, I was amazed at how Zero saw right through my pain, how he wasn't just a charismatic military leader, but also a caring man, like my close friend, who knew more about me than I knew about myself.
Did you know that sometimes I wished I could just go and be a normal student at Ashford with all of you on the Student Council, Lelouch? Did you know that I thought that if I had only done that, Shirley's father would still be alive? Is that why you gave me the option to leave? Because it was an option you yourself may have wanted, but no longer had the luxury to choose? You shared the same blame, the same burden, the same blood on your hands as I, Lelouch. So you gave me the option to go where you could not. All I knew then though, was that my leader understood my pain. There was no denying it then, I was in love with Zero. I couldn't leave, even with the pain of knowing I killed Shirley's father…
Shirley………No, you told yourself you wouldn't breakdown until you were sure!! Still, if Suzaku was telling the truth…And there's no reason he wouldn't be. Is there? Even with all that hatred towards Lelouch, he wouldn't stoop that low just to trick me? Would he…maybe? No, he wouldn't. As much as I hate to admit it, he wouldn't. But if that's true then…Shirley really is dead. She REALLY is dead…………SHE'S GONE!! I'M NEVER GOING TO SEE SHIRLEY AGAIN, AND I NEVER APOLOGIZED FOR KILLING HER FATHER!!
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How long has it been since I've thought of anything but Shirley? Minutes? Hours? Not days surely. Nunnally wouldn't allow them to lock me up for days at a time without food or water. I'll have to talk to her about the lack of a clock in here though, not even a window.
I feel……numb. Why am I not still in pain? When my brother died, it was like a knife in my heart for days, weeks. Is this a defense mechanism? Does my body know that I simply can't afford to be like this right now? I hope so, otherwise it means I can't muster up any more pain for my best friend……I know I'm an awful person…at least, I've done awful things, but if I were that horrible, then maybe Suzaku's been right about me all along.
And Lelouch. How are you holding up? You, who are so calculating when you're Zero, who plan everything out to the finest detail. But as Lelouch, your friends mean everything to you. When they're in danger, you become rash and hotheaded. If one of us really…died, how would you take it. You already left your entire army to rescue your sister; I don't blame you for that, not anymore at least, but if Shirley really died because she got too close to what you were doing, what are you doing now. Even C.C. and I together have trouble acting as a brake for you when you start to get irrational. If C.C. is all alone, can she stop you?
It was like right after that battle where Lelouch sacrificed the JLF to get to Cornelia. As usual, the plan would have worked if not for the timely intervention of the Lancelot. I still feel I could have won that day if we hadn't been told to back out…by C.C., because Lelouch was too out of it to answer. I don't know much of what happened over the next few days. It's one of the things that Lelouch absolutely refuses to talk about, even to me. C.C. knows about it; they seem to have gotten really close during that time…or closer at any rate. (Damn, that's annoying.)
All I know for sure is Shirley followed us to the battle and saw Lelouch. And C.C. has mentioned that another one of the people that she had made a contract with was involved. (I can't even measure how unsettling the thought is that there are more people out there with those crazy eyes than just Lelouch and the Emperor.) Apparently, this one could read minds.
That's just creepy. And apparently, he was walking around campus as well, listening to all our thoughts. Did he hear my thoughts, too? Was he surprised by them, or did he even care? He was obviously focused on Lelouch and C.C. From what C.C. has told me, he could tease apart your thoughts to their very core. As scary as that is, I almost wish someone like that was here to help me out now.
Anyway, because of what was happening with Lelouch and C.C., the activity for the Black Knights dropped considerably. I didn't mind since it gave me a chance for a repose with those Britannians that I had come to hold so dear. The main problem was that Lelouch, the one that constantly infuriated me, but the one I could be the most open with, was, obviously, not around. The rumors were quickly all over campus that he and Shirley were pretending not to know each other; more likely Shirley was Geassed. Lelouch doesn't talk about it, but in hindsight it makes sense.
It's too bad. Back when I thought Lelouch was just Lelouch, I was always rooting for Shirley (despite continued rumors that Lelouch and I were dating). I swear, both then and now, Lelouch may be a genius, but there are some things he just does NOT get. But then, even if I don't know the details, I can guess that this particular situation was far from normal. At the time though, I just explained away Lelouch's sudden disappearance on his incurable gambling habit.
Suzaku saw through it. Because Suzaku was good friend, the best friend anyone could ever have. Something must have happened between him and that mind reader though since Lelouch seemed to have new insight into his self-destructive behavior after that. Did he learn about Suzaku and his father? Who would have ever guessed that the Suzaku we all knew, the one who was so kind was also racked with so much pain? That's why our next operation was the worst for me since Narita.
