Glad this is getting so much love already! I will try to keep up the quality now that we're shifting into first person. Let's see how Cartman schemes to get revenge!
Chapter 2 – Kenny's Full Proof Method to Getting Girls (Sort Of)
I'll admit: I was one of the people in the bleachers laughing my ass off at Cartman. I didn't know goths could be so sassy! But Eric definitely deserved it. He's always demonizing Jews and trying to provoke Kyle. So when we met up after school and he stormed up to us saying he got detention as well I really wasn't surprised.
"That fucking bitch goth!" Cartman complained as the four of us walked home, "This is totally unfair! All I was trying to do was inform the masses of a serious threat and fucking PC Principal takes her side!"
"What? She didn't get detention?" I asked.
"No, she did," he growled, "But I did too, even though I did nothing wrong!"
"I think it's pretty fair," Kyle pointed out reasonably, "Henrietta gets detention for interrupting and you get detention for being an asshole."
Over the years Kyle has calmed down a lot. He realized that arguing with Cartman all the time didn't help anything; in fact it usually just provoked him. So he learned to tune him out for the most part when he started making his hate speeches about Jews or gingers. It's caused Kyle to come out on top way more often now that Cartman is solely seeking a reaction from him and getting none.
"Yeah, Cartman I really don't know why you thought you were going to get away with making your entire speech about why Jews are evil," Stan added.
Eric scoffed. "Well if that whore had let me finish everyone would have seen the evils of the Jews and they wouldn't have cared anymore," he insisted.
"Whatever you say," Kyle sighed.
Eventually we got to Stan and Kyle's houses and we bid them good-bye. I was about to carry on my way to my own shit-hole of a house, but Cartman ran after me and put an arm around me.
"Kenny! My main man!" he exclaimed, "How would you like to make some extra money?" He patted me on the shoulder and I rolled my eyes.
"I'm not stealing from my parents' stash again for you," I told him seriously, "I'm still recovering from last time."
"No, I'm not talking about buying drugs," Cartman said, "I'm talking about revenge."
This got my attention and I gave him a curious look. "Revenge?" I repeated.
"I can't let that goth bitch get away with humiliating me like that in front of everyone," Cartman explained, "So, I've formulated a plan to get back at her, but I'm going to need your help. I promise to make it worth your while."
"Why me?" I wondered.
"Because you're the most charismatic guy I know!" he said, "Besides me! Look, let me explain the plan to you. I want you to get her to go out with you, all right?"
"Wait a minute," I interrupted, stopping, and holding up my hand, "You want me, the womanizer, the guy every girl in school is killing to go out with, to ask out one of the least popular girls in school?"
"Yes! Will you pay attention?" Cartman scolded, "I want you to go out with her! Become a couple! Like a legit couple, going out on dates, holding hands, kissing, all that nasty stuff! I want you to make her fall in love with you. Head over heels in love. And then, when the time is right, you will break up with her in front of the whole school, humiliate her like she humiliated me, and then I will have the perfect revenge!"
I didn't answer at first. This seemed extremely cruel, even for Cartman. Sure, Henrietta and the other goths could be pessimistic, cynical, and yes, a little narcissistic themselves, but did she really deserve this sort of treatment? Besides, it was funny!
"I don't know, Cartman, why can't you do it?" I asked, "Or get someone else like Butters to do it?"
"Because she'll know I'm up to something if I do it and you're the only one I trust enough," Cartman explained, "Butters would just fuck everything up. Besides, he's too cutesy for her. Come on, Kenny."
I sighed. "I don't know…" I repeated.
"Fine, I see you need more incentive," Eric said, "I'll pay you one hundred dollars for every part of my plan you complete. I'll give you a goal. You complete it. I give you a hundred dollars."
Almost instantly I felt my heart race. Was he being serious? A hundred dollars? That money could do so much good for my family!
"Y-You're not fooling me right now," I warned him, "You'd really give me a hundred dollars just like that? Where did you even get that kind of money?"
Cartman shrugged. "It pays to have a big extended family," he replied casually, "So are you in or out?"
Without another moment's hesitation I exclaimed, "I'm in!"
A giant grin plastered itself on Cartman's face. "Great!" he exclaimed, "So, tomorrow at school get her to go out with you and I'll pay you a hundred dollars. Heck, I'll even throw in fifty extra bucks so you can take her somewhere fancy." He paused for a moment. "After we get out of detention," he grumbled.
After Cartman and I worked out a few of the details, I finally headed home. Ah, home. The shit hole of a shack that I was forced to take shelter in. Nothing had changed over the years, in fact if anything they've only gotten worse. When I turned sixteen I got a job at the local thrift store to try to earn a little bit of money to help my family, but it really didn't do much. I had to hide whatever I earned from my parents because they would steal it to buy booze and crack. Whatever I had I used to buy food for Karen, Kevin, and myself.
Oh yes, Kevin. He didn't graduate high school, instead choosing to drop out midway through and become a meth head. A lot of good that did him. But I still cared about my brother, so I still provided for him whenever I could.
Too bad I couldn't afford to buy us new clothes or blankets or anything else. Most of my clothes were clothes that Kyle and Stan graciously let me have. And the parka I was wearing was a larger version of the one I wore when I was a child. Except it was old and starting to fall apart. Honestly, if weren't for my charming personality and the fact that I was pretty amazing in bed (their words, not mine) even I wouldn't know what the ladies see in me.
When I got home I could hear my parents in the back room arguing about something. Because that's all they did these days. Argue and fuck. I sighed and tossed my backpack down by the door and headed to the kitchen to start on dinner.
Karen insisted we say grace every day before we ate and I indulged her, despite the fact that I stopped believing in God a long time ago. My family may be a bunch of shit heads, but Karen and I had tried to be good Christians, but that hadn't gotten us anywhere so I renounced my faith when I was twelve. And yes, all the crazy shit that happened in my childhood would prove otherwise that there was a God, but what did I care if he wasn't going to help me anyway?
Wow, that got unnecessarily dark for a moment. Sorry about that. I didn't mean to step on anyone's toes if anyone is a Christian. You do you.
After dinner I always read Karen a bed time story to help her fall asleep. Even though she was eleven by this point, it helped her fall asleep. She had graduated to young adult novels, though. She wasn't that naive. She especially liked this series about a magical land called Faire that was narrated by a talking horse who went on adventures with the prince of the land. And there was a two headed dragon in it.
"Hey Kenny," Karen said after I had finished reading her the next chapter, "What was everyone talking about on social media today about Cartman getting what he deserved?"
I forgot that Karen still went to the lower school while my friends and I went to high school, so she didn't really get to know what happened.
"Oh that," I chuckled, "We all did our big reports for History today in the gymnasium, and Cartman was making a hate speech about Jews."
"So, nothing new," Karen joked with a giggle.
"Heh, yeah," I agreed, "Anyway during his speech, Henrietta kept taunting him and chastising him, causing him to blow his lid and they both got in trouble for it. It was really funny. Too bad you couldn't have been there."
Karen giggled as I tucked her into bed and kissed her forehead. Then I went to my own room where I stayed up reading Playboy before I fell asleep.
…
During class the next day Cartman would not stop giving me these annoying looks. We had already agreed that we weren't going to tell Stan and Kyle about any of this. They would probably try to talk us out of our plan or at the very least guilt trip me. And I did not need that on my conscious. But Cartman was making it way too obvious that he was up to something with all the stupid looks he kept throwing me. I had already told him I would ask her out at lunch so was the waving eyebrows really necessary? It made it look like he was hitting on me!
I was so glad when lunch finally rolled around. Then Cartman could stop flirting with me. I started heading towards the cafeteria when the fatass himself suddenly came up behind me and put an arm around my shoulders.
"Hey, buddy!" he exclaimed, "You remember the plan, right?" I sighed and rolled my eyes.
"Yes, now go away before I get caught hanging out with you," I told him. And it wasn't just because of the plan. He gave me a hearty pat on the back.
"Go get 'em, tiger!" he shouted before waddling away.
If I remembered right, the Goths hung around the darkest corner of the cafeteria. Unlike the elementary school, the high school locked all the doors during the day, so the Goths couldn't get outside to smoke like they use to. I also felt a little bad for them because their youngest member was left behind in the elementary school. The goths hadn't changed much from elementary school. The only one who had changed physically was Henrietta as she had gotten a lot thinner.
Anyway, there was a corner of the cafeteria were like three or four light bulbs had burned out and the school refused to replace them for whatever reason. That's where the goth kids had claimed their territory. I tried not to feel too intimidated as I approached their table. It really didn't help that once they realized I was coming towards them they stared at me the whole time.
"Hey guys," I greeted, trying not to sound scared, "Can I sit down?"
"No," Pete hissed at me, "What do you want?"
Rude, I thought. I cleared my throat. "Um, I was actually here for Henrietta," I told them. The girl in question looked at me from the corner of her eye. "I thought that maybe you might like to go out with me sometime."
Henrietta looked at me more directly and eyed me up and down. "No," she said simply before turning back to her friends.
I blinked in surprise at her. I hadn't really considered the possibility that she'd say no. I guess I just assumed that every girl in school had a secret desire to go out with me and that she was no different. Well fuck, what was I supposed to do now?
"Um, are you sure?" I asked, "You don't want to think about it at all?"
"No," she repeated in a slightly more irritated voice, "Now get lost before I shiv you."
Defeated, I retreated from the table. I walked over to where Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and their girlfriends, Wendy and Rebecca were sitting. Yeah, Kyle got a girlfriend. He finally got the nerve to ask out Rebecca after she and her brother Mark started permanently coming to school. I tried not to be jealous of my two friends, but it was hard not to be when they had such loyal and loving girlfriends. That's probably why I hooked up with so many girls all the time. To ease some of the loneliness.
"So, was I seeing that right?" Wendy asked as I sat down, "Were you trying to ask out Henrietta?" I opened my small bag lunch and refused to look at her.
"Maybe," I muttered.
"Yeah? And how'd that go?" Stan wondered.
"She, uh, she said no," I replied in an awkward, embarrassed voice. It was the first time a girl had ever turned me down.
The strangest thing suddenly happened to Cartman. He burst into laughter, but at the same time he looked really irritated. Like he wanted to be mad, but he also found my rejection to be rather hilarious. The rest of us stared at him with blank looks, trying to figure out what was wrong with him
"I don't get it," Kyle said, turning to me, "Why would you ask out a goth anyway? I mean, I know her putting Cartman in his place yesterday makes her a bit more attractive, but you never seemed interested in her before."
"I have my reasons," I replied, digging into my bag.
She better not think this is over. I wasn't going to let Henrietta go that easily. I had dealt with stubborn girls before. And I had ways of breaking her. By the end of the day she would agree to go out with me.
…
So, by the end of the day she still hadn't agreed to go out with me. Something Cartman was all too aware of when he caught up with me before he had to go to detention.
"Kenny!" he hissed, "What are you doing? You still haven't gotten the bitch to even agree to a date with you or anything!"
"I'm working on it!" I snapped at him, "She's being really stubborn! And I've tried all of my best moves on her and everything!"
"Well, keep trying!" Cartman growled, "I can't exact my ultimate revenge you're not dating her! And if you're not dating her, you don't get a hundred bucks!"
"I know! I know!" I sighed, "Just go do your detention! I'll think of something!"
I had to work that day after school so I immediately headed to the thrift store. My hours were kind of irregular, as the manager scheduled me to come in "whenever." Again, I didn't make a ton of money, but it was the only place that was willing to hire me and the work wasn't too hard, so I stuck with it. I was hoping to pick up more hours in the summer and maybe get a better job after I graduated.
I was busy sorting clothes when I heard the little bell over the door ring. I turned to greet the customer and was quite surprised to see Henrietta's friends, including little goth (I think his name was Firkle?) standing in the entrance. They did not look like they were here to shop.
Dusting my hands off and standing up, I cautiously approached them. "Can I help you?" I asked them.
"Why did you ask out Henrietta?" Michael wondered, folding his arms.
I did not like his tone of voice. "Because I wanted to," I replied confidently. Now that I was on my own turf, I was bit more confident and smug than I was before. I wasn't going to let these guys intimidate me.
"What for? Some sort of joke?" Firkle accused.
"No, because I wanted to go on a date with her," I responded. I had to admit, the little guy unnerved me the most. I had some repressed memories of him wanting to stab me.
"Funny how she humiliates your friend and then the day after you suddenly want to date her," Pete pointed out in one of those annoying voices like he's got it all figured out. I always hated that tone of voice.
I glared at them. "Cartman is barely my friend," I countered, "I was laughing just as hard as anyone else. That has nothing to do with this." I was lying through my teeth on that last part, but they didn't need to know that. "Look, if you're done with your little interrogation, unlike you I actually have work to do and I would like to get back to it."
"Fine," Michael spat, "But just know that we're onto you. And if you do anything to hurt our friend we'll make sure you're never heard from again."
Then one by one they left. Jeez, I knew the goths were protective of each other, but I hadn't even done anything yet! At least wait until after we're dating to threaten me!
…
The next day I waited outside the school for detention to get out so I could try once again to seduce Henrietta. The girl really was stubborn and wasn't falling for any of my charms. None of my usual moves, or pick-up lines, or anything were working. Did she want me to beg? Because that was the one thing I was above doing.
I was leaning against the building when I heard the doors open. I turned and watched the students from detention pour out and start racing to their cars. The last one out was Henrietta, and as soon as she spotted me she groaned and rolled her eyes. She actually turned to go back inside, I think she was going to hide from me until I went away, but the doors had already locked behind her. She turned back around and started walking towards home and I quickly raced after her, matching my stride with hers.
"So, what? Now you're stalking me?" she growled at me.
"I just want to know why you won't go out with me!" I told her, "You're literally the only girl who's ever rejected me!"
"Well there's a first time for everything, sweet heart," she replied. I continued walking beside her as she took out a cigarette from her small black hand bag and lit it, exhaling a breath of smoke.
"Just tell me why you won't go out with me," I tried again. She still hadn't given me a reason.
"Uh, because I don't want to?" she answered in a snarky voice, "I'm not some conformist whore who's so desperate for a man I'll throw myself at the first guy who asks me out. I'm perfectly happy being single."
Any other time I would applaud her independence. I don't think women always need guys to be happy. And if this were any other time I would respect her wishes and stop bothering her. But unfortunately there was a hundred dollars riding on this and my family could really use the money.
"Look, just give me a chance, all right?" I begged, "Just go on one date with me, how's that? Then you can decide whether or not you want to go out with me?"
Henrietta suddenly stopped in her tracks and gave me a hard look. "Why do you even want to date me?" she asked.
Whatever I had been expecting her to ask, it wasn't that. I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
"Because I really like you!" I exclaimed.
I expected her to finally come around and agree, but instead she just clicked her tongue in disbelief, turned on her heels, and started walking up the path to her house. No, I was getting close. I could feel it. I couldn't let her get away, so I continued after her.
"I'm being serious!" I told her, "I really do like you! You're not like other girls! You always say what's on your mind, you're never afraid to speak the truth. The other day during the presentations I bet everyone was prepared to sit there bored out of their minds during Cartman's speech, but you weren't afraid speak out!"
"Am I supposed to be flattered by all of this?" Henrietta wondered as she opened the front door and let us in. I guess she had resigned herself to the fact that I was just going to follow her anyway, because she didn't even try to shut the door on me.
There were no lights on in her house. I guess her parents were still at work or whatever. I had only been inside her house like, one other time when I was young, but it pretty much still looked the same. I bet Henrietta hated it.
I followed her to the kitchen where she pulled a sticky note off the fridge. She barely glanced at it before crumbling it up and tossing it on the counter. I desperately wanted to know what the note said, but considering I was on thin ice already I wasn't going to ask. Without doing anything else, she left the kitchen and started upstairs to her room. I was only a few steps behind.
"Will you stop following me?" she growled.
Not until I get you to go out with me, I thought.
"What about when we were kids?" I said, remembering the time when my friends and I all dressed up as superheroes, "And you helped me rescue my sister from those loser vamp kids? We made such a great team! You can't say there wasn't any connection between us!"
"I can and there wasn't," she remarked, opening the door to her room. Which was also pretty much exactly the same as when I last saw it.
Now I know she was lying. She was just trying to get rid of me. When I was Mysterion, his darkness connected me to her. I was starting to grow frustrated.
"Come on!" I hissed, "Isn't there anything I can do to get you to say yes?"
"Get out of my room," she stated.
I finally lost it. I had completely run out ideas. In one last desperate attempt, I walked over to her, cupped her face in my hands, leaned in, and kissed her deeply. I heard her breath catch in her throat as I closed my eyes, massaging my lips against her surprisingly soft ones. I was about to pull away and see how she reacted when the most miraculous thing happened.
Henrietta slowly raised her arms and wrapped them around my neck, deepening the kiss. A soft breath escaped past my lips, and I tilted my head slightly to get a better angle so I could kiss her even deeper. No tongue was involved, but the passion displayed from both of us sent a tremble through my spine.
We stood there kissing for a good thirty seconds before we slowly parted. She stared at me with shocked eyes and parted lips. But then her face relaxed and she went back to looking like she didn't give a fuck.
"All right, fine," she said at last, "I will go out with you."
I blinked in surprise at her. "R-Really?" I asked, stunned.
"You will pick me up at seven," she ordered in a strict tone, "Try not to be late." She looked me up and down. "And try to wear something at least somewhat decent. I have to be seen in public with you."
My heart was racing in my chest. I couldn't help myself and leaned in, giving her a happy kiss on the cheek. She backed away slightly, but I was too overjoyed to care.
"Woohoo!" I exclaimed, "All right! I'll pick you up at seven, babe!"
"Don't call me babe," she growled as I danced out of her room.
I couldn't believe kissing her was what finally did the trick! Now I just had to go to Cartman's house and get ready for my date with Henrietta!
The moral of the story is stalking always gets the girl in the end!
NOTE: The author is being sarcastic on this. Please do not stalk people. It is creepy and illegal and people will not like you. Kenny only did it for story purposes and because I made him do it.
Anyway, that was one really long chapter. Don't expect them all to be this long in the future. I just didn't want to keep you in suspense about whether Henrietta would agree to go out with Kenny or not, since you all know she would eventually. Plus I wanted to get some details on Kenny's life out. Next chapter will be their first date and I hope you're as excited about it as I am. Please leave a comment until then.
