AN: Hope you guys like it, I know I had fun. Well... a little social commentary here too. Sorry, Hannah Montana lovers.

DC: Okay, this one, I can understand why some people miiiiiiiiiiiight get a little law-suity. So I'm saying this now: I do not own Wicked or Rent catchphrases.

Enjoy!

- Popular – One Short Day – No Good Dead – Defying Gravity – Thank Goodness -

"Alright people, let's get moving!" Voldemort called from his classic directors chair. He had intended to complete the 'look' by growing a little moustache and goatee, but sadly he had no hair follicles. So he settled for the beret and all black clothes.

Next to him, Snape returned with a variety of pastries. "You requested some doughnuts, but they had so many…"

The Dark Lord glanced down at the tray. "Hmm… you know, the sprinkles are always good, but then again, I like the frosted as well…" he tapped his chin. "What the hell, I'll take them all!"

He snatched up the plate and sat, munching.

Up on stage, a number of famous actors stood to audition.

"Excellent…" Voldemort said evilly, noting which ones had responded to the casting call. "Minion, who's all here?"

"Um…" Snape pulled out a list. "We have Johnny Depp… Orlando Bloom… Kira Knightly…"

"What, the cast of Pirates? I want theatre." Voldemort snapped.

"Oh…" Quickly, and without drawing the Dark Lord's attention, Snape scratched off Geoffrey Rush.

"Well… Idina Menzel… she's really good. Lots of people say she can even defy gravity."

"But no one mourns the wicked, Minion."

"Hey!" Idina yelled from the stage. "Take me, baby, or leave me!"

"Ooh, feisty." Voldemort commented. "But Bohemia is dead. She's off the cast."

Idina scowled. "Well if you care to find me, just look to the western sky." She spat, and turned on her heel, stalking off.

The rest of the room exchanged glances.

"Oooh – kay…" Snape shook himself and resumed reading the list. "We have Miley Cyrus."

"No way," Voldemort said, "I don't want people thinking that my show hires bra-flashers."

Snape stared at Voldemort, mildly taken-aback. "Why sir," he said with surprise, "I didn't' think you knew the word bra."

There was an awkward silence. Completed with the Awkward Turtle.

"Moving on…" Snape coughed. "Brad Pitt, George Clooney, David Hyde Pierce…"

"No," The Dark Lord said, flicking a crumb of doughnut off the arm of his chair.

"Harrison Ford?"

Voldemort started. "Whoa!" he exclaimed, eyes wide with pure shock. "That guy is still alive?"

"… Yes…"

"Wow… Carbon sure preserves people, doesn't it?"

"Um… whatever you say, sir."

"Exactly. Next?"

Snape frowned at the list. "Just a bunch of low class people" he sighed.

"Names?"

"Daniel Radcliff… Maggie Smith… Ralph Fienne…"

"Their names are funny. Kick 'em out."

"Oh wait, sir. There's one more…"

"Yes?"

"Alan Rickman, sir."

Voldemort paused. That was an interesting name, to be sure, and also familiar. Hadn't Alan Rickman played something important recently?

"Eh… Let him go. I get the feeling I won't like him."

Sadly, Snape crossed off the name.

"So… who's left?"

"Er… the cast of Pirates, sir."

"What?" Voldemort snatched the list and scanned it.

"Damn." He said, returning the rumpled piece of paper.

"Shall I keep them, sir?"

"Hmm…" Voldemort debated. "Keep Depp, but let the others off."

"Consider it done. And would you like more doughnuts?"

- Popular – One Short Day – No Good Dead – Defying Gravity – Thank Goodness -

Voldemort surveyed Depp with interest. This man could do quite a lot. But the Dark Lord needed something fresh, something new, something exciting.

"I've got it!" he declared, flourishing a hand in triumph. "The musical that will make us all rich beyond our wildest dreams!"

Everyone in the theatre leaned in a little closer.

"It's been a while since any new rendition of this has been released, and I'm happy to say it will being something different and interesting for all of us!"

Interested and excited murmurs ran across the stage.

"Do you want to know what it is?"

"Tell us!" The crowd chorused, preparing themselves for the show of a lifetime.

"Sweeny Todd!" Voldemort declared enthusiastically, flinging both arms into the air.

There was a scathing pause.

"Not again!" Depp screamed, tearing out some of his hair. "Never again am I working with ketchup as blood! Never!"

And he stormed out.

"Well damn." Voldemort said. "There goes that plan. Minion, bring the list of musicals over here."

Snape appeared at the Dark Lord's side, holding an extensive list that trailed to the ground.

"Cross off 'Wicked', 'Rent', and 'Sweeny Todd'." Voldemort commanded. "Now read the rest of the list."

"But sir…" Snape said, "it's so long, and I'm sure the readers wouldn't like just sitting and reading every single musical on Broadway."

"Well then, what would they like?"

"I don't know, why don't you ask them?"

"Alright then…" Voldemort turned towards the fanfiction readers and said loudly and clearly. "You heard, so out with it. I need suggestions on what musicals to do, seeing as there's about five billion on Broadway, and most of them haven't even been heard of. Please no overly T rated plays (Spring Awakening and Avenue Q, I'm looking at you,) but I'm open to the more known productions!"

"Well…sir…" Snape began tentatively, "Actually, I have a little something I'd written out, in case you wanted to-"

"Not now, Minion," the Dark Lord said grandly, "I'm breaking the fourth wall here. Why don't you just go have a cup of tea?"

Snape pouted. "They don't have tea here," he moaned. "All they have is this awful black stuff, and StarBucks doesn't even offer Rooibos!"

"Well, go run along and learn about a new culture." Voldemort said absentmindedly. "I'm waiting for the readers to tell me which musicals I should do."

Sadly, Snape dragged his feet out the door and was inadvertently mugged in a dark alley because he responded to the rusty call of "Hey, you!" from the shadows.

- Popular – One Short Day – No Good Dead – Defying Gravity – Thank Goodness -

AN: Well, you heard the Dark Lord, tell me your favorite musicals in reviews. Chop chop here!