Lights

Now that the tree was finally up, Sam grabbed the broom and swept up the stray pine needles that had fallen as they'd brought it in and gotten it into the stand.

Jack brought in a box marked lights and started checking the precisely would strands for any outages or shorts in the bulbs or the cords.

"White or Colors?" he asked looking at her with a strange expectation lurking in his eyes.

"Do you have a preference?" she countered back.

"I asked you first."

"Jack," she said his name with just a hint of exasperation in her voice.

"Sam."

"Jack."

"Look as much fun as it is to keep saying your name over and over and as much as I love to hear you say mine, we're not getting anywhere with this conversation. Lights, Sam, which do you prefer?"

He was completely unprepared for what happened next.

She looked at him blankly for several seconds and then suddenly she burst into tears.

He was up off the floor and at her side immediately. "Sam, Honey, what's wrong?" His voice was soft and full of concern as he pulled her close.

When her sobs finally subsided and she stood quietly resting her head on his chest, he gently asked again, "Sam? Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry," she replied, her voice rough. "This is the first time in years that I've felt like even celebrating Christmas. My mom used to make it such a big deal and my dad became such a big kid that it was hard to tell sometimes who enjoyed the holiday more, us or him." The ghost of a smile played across her lips as she thought about that last Christmas together. Her dad had even dressed up like Santa in one last attempt to keep young Sam's belief alive. "I...it's just that, God Jack, I miss them so much."

He reached down and gently wiped the fresh tears away with his thumbs. "It's okay to miss them, Sam. It's especially okay to miss them at Christmas."

Looking up at him she saw a wistfulness in his features that she'd never seen before and saw his own eyes start to mist.

"You understand."

It was a statement of fact. She knew in that moment without a doubt that he not only knew what she was feeling but he could actually feel her pain. Though he'd rarely spoken of his son in the almost decade they'd known each other, the times he had, she had seen the devastation and longing in his eyes. Those raw emotions had rarely been allowed to the surface in the past, but now his heart was open to her, all of his heart.

They had sworn when they started this relationship that they both would be open and honest about their feelings and about their pasts. His son was a subject they had addressed early on because she couldn't afford to not have him give up that buried and heavily guarded piece of himself. She knew what it was like to live with someone with half a life in the shadows. She wouldn't do that to herself again. She couldn't.

So, in return, not wanting any more confusion about her past to cloud his perception of her true feelings for him, Sam had lain everything about her family and her ex-fiances on the table. She knew Jack had been very insecure in the beginning of their relationship and uncertain of her true intentions. She blamed herself for that. So from her issues with her father, to the the abuse she'd suffered with Jonas, to her reasons for trying to create a life with Pete, she'd answered all of his questions.

She never should have doubted the depth of Jack's feelings nor should she have doubted that they could find a way to be together. Now, as they stood there getting ready to decorate their first Christmas tree, she felt her heart swell in her chest.

"I understand," he repeated as he pushed an errant strand of hair back behind her ear.

She cleared her throat of the lingering tears. "White." She answered the question that had started their lament with but a whisper.

"May I ask why?" He tilted her chin upwards to keep her from retreating again.

"I spent a lot of Christmases in places that were never cold enough for snow. My mom decided that we would put white lights on the tree as a sort of substitute. Then every year after we had it decorated, she'd lay with me under the tree and say, "See, Sam, who needs snow when we've got the stars." Her voice broke as she smiled through her tears and she leaned into him again.

He kissed the top of her head and they were once again quiet for a few moments.

"I love you, ya know?"

She gazed up at him and their eyes locked. It still amazed her they way they could get lost each other's eyes.

"If there were only one thing I could claim to know in all of the universe, Jack, it would be that you love me."