At the previous chapter, we've already seen the mysterious disappearances of the Wei pretty boys and girls, leaving only the old guys and a token girl Cai Wenji within the Wei kingdom. But what about Shu?


Chapter 2: Beginning of a Disaster – Shu side


And now, we shall move on to the green-colored complex known as the kingdom of Shu. At every morning, the loyal kingdom chancellor Zhuge Liang and his wife Yueying both wake up early in order to rouse the other Shu members.


In front of Liu Bei and Liu Shan's bedroom

Zhuge Liang: My lord, the sun has already risen. Please wake up.

Yueying: Yeah. You too, Liu Shan!

Zhuge Liang: My lord? My lord! Hm, weird, he usually instantly wakes up the moment I call his name.

Yueying: Maybe he was just having way too much work yesterday. He's the Emperor, you know.

Zhuge Liang: Yes, I know. As well as taking care of Liu Shan…well, let's just leave him to rest.


In front of the Guan children's room

Yueying: Hello! It's a new day! Wake up, everyone! You won't live up to the legacy of your father if you're lazy! Rise and shine! ...huh, looks like they overslept as well.

Zhuge Liang: They're just children. It's alright, we'll just move on to the more mature ones instead.


In front of the Zhang siblings' room

Yueying: Hello! Rise and shine, you two! Come on now, you sure don't want your father to see you like this, eh? Hello? …well, damn! What were these kids doing last night, anyway?

Zhuge Liang: Well…let's just not hope it's the same kind we used to do at the frat party, but it's alright. They're just kids.


So Zhuge Liang and Yueying went to prepare breakfast.

Yueying: WAKE UP, KIDS! BREAKFAST IS READY! HELLO! HEY, WAKE UP! …seriously! Did they have a hangover, or what?

Zhuge Liang: drinks tea Meh, it's alright. They're all way too hyperactive. They'll wake up soon, I'm sure.

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei: run toward Zhuge Liang MASTER ZHUGE LIANG!

Zhuge Liang: spits tea PPFFFFTTTT! GAH! You two got tea all over my clothes!

Guan Yu: We're terribly sorry, Master, but we have terrible news!

Zhang Fei: nods

Zhuge Liang: Tch, what terrible news, anyway? I suppose it's just Zhao Yun accidentally destroying one of the palace pillars again…resumes drinking tea

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei: No! This is worse than that! Our children are gone!

Zhuge Liang: spits tea towards Yueying's face PPPFFFTTTTT!

Yueying: HEY!

Zhuge Liang: Ah! I…I'm sorry! Argh, ehem, what did you two say?!

Guan Yu: We said, our children are gone!

Zhang Fei: Yes, yes!

Zhuge Liang: What the…how can this happen?!

Guan Yu: We do not know!

Zhang Fei: Yeah! They just disappeared without any trace whatsoever!

Zhuge Liang: What the?! Tch, let me see!


Inside the Guan children's room

Yueying: Huff, this is very strange!

Zhuge Liang: I know. The bedroom is messy, which means that they definitely WERE here last night, but are suddenly missing today?!

Guan Yu: I know! Even my daughter-in-law too…

Zhuge Liang: Wait, she sleeps here?

Guan Yu: Yes, why?

Zhuge Liang: Oh, it's alright. I was just thinking if there could be some…unfortunate implications, but alright.

Yueying: Hmm…did they escape, or?

Zhuge Liang: No, no, there's no way they would escape from the palace.

Yueying: Well, maybe they could use Guan Xing to help them fly out the window or something…

Zhuge Liang: No, no, NO. That's impossible.


Inside the Zhang siblings' room.

Zhang Fei: I mean, look at this! How can my two beloved children disappear like that?! Waaaahhh!

Zhuge Liang: Hmmm…okay, this room is certainly a LOT more organized, so maybe we can assume that they weren't already here since yesterday?

Zhang Fei: No! They were DEFINITELY here yesterday! Besides, my girl Xingcai is a very diligent woman, she always cleans the mess in the room after Bao's hyperactive shenanigans.

Yueying: That explains it.

Zhuge Liang: Huff…okay, okay, we definitely need to calm down if we face these kinds of problem, and think of the solution. First of all, let's report this to Lord Liu Bei-

Guan Yu: MASTER ZHUGE LIANG! MASTER ZHUGE LIANG!

Zhuge Liang: Huh? Guan Yu? What is it? Your face is even redder than before.

Guan Yu: Huff, huff…I have EVEN WORSE news!

Yueying: What?

Guan Yu: Brother, brother….BROTHER IS MISSING!

Zhuge Liang, Yueying, and Zhang Fei: WHAT?!


The four immediately dashed towards Liu Bei and Liu Shan's room.

Zhuge Liang: No….no! NO! NOOOOO WAAAAYYYYYYYYY!

Yueying: My lord, calm down!

Zhuge Liang: GARGH! But, seriously! How can this kingdom live without Lord Liu Bei?!

Guan Yu: Um, how about-

Zhuge Liang: NO! Liu Shan isn't even a goddamn option! But he's gone too! ARGH! Who…who could've done this?!

Zhang Fei: Hey, maybe it's-

Zhuge Liang: No, NO! It's too early to jump into conclusions. But anyway, we will have to prioritize finding Lord Liu Bei at all cost! Guan Yu! Zhang Fei!

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei: Huh?

Zhuge Liang: Assemble the rest of the Five Tiger Generals! We will commence an expedition to search Lord Liu Bei!

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei: Understood!


20 minutes later

Guan Yu: Master Zhuge Liang!

Zhuge Liang: Oh, you're back! So?

Zhang Fei: We…we're terribly sorry for saying this, but…

Guan Yu: Zhao Yun and Ma Chao are missing too!

Zhuge Liang: WHAT?!

Huang Zhong: Oy! So there you are! You said something about our lord being missing?

Zhuge Liang: No….even Zhao Yun?! Tch, this is a disaster, indeed! He's the poster boy! Without him, the entire world is doomed!

Huang Zhong: Eh, it's alright! I could always fill the spot when needed!

Everyone else: sweatdrop

Zhuge Liang: Okay, let's ignore that cranky old man for a second. Huff…okay, that makes it for, what, no less than ELEVEN people who suddenly disappeared today?!

Yueying: Maybe we can ask Ma Dai. He's literally with Ma Chao all the time. Maybe he knows where his cousin's gone to.

Zhuge Liang: Ah, yes, good point. Call Ma Dai at once!

Guan Yu: Uh, regarding that, sir…

Zhuge Liang: What?! You mean he disappeared too?!

Guan Yu: ….yes.

Zhuge Liang: …OH. MY. GOD! slaps forehead WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE I CAN RELY ON?!

Yueying: Hey, you still got me!

Zhuge Liang: I know! But, huff…oh, wait! That's right! I could ask Pang Tong, Xu Shu, and Fa Zheng for this!

Pang Tong: You callin for me?

Zhuge Liang: WHOA! Hey, the hell you suddenly came here without any rhyme or reason?!

Pang Tong: Well, I heard a lot of screaming and raging in the morning, so I suppose I came here to check what the fuck is going on. Hearing you calling for me, I just came here.

Zhuge Liang: Uhh…okay. Pang Tong, we're facing a great problem here-

Pang Tong: Yeah, I know. It's about the missing pretty boys and girls, right?

Zhuge Liang: Eh? How do you know?

Pang Tong: Well, first, because I'm Pang Tong. And second, well, it's because of those missing rooms. I checked whose rooms they are, and connected the dots.

Zhuge Liang: Oh, right. Hmm…that's correct! Pretty boys and pretty girls! How come I never thought of that? And...wait a minute! This means that Xu Shu and Fa Zheng are missing too!

Pang Tong: Exactly.

Zhuge Liang: Shit! And now…oh no. runs towards the rooms


Inside Jiang Wei's room

Zhuge Liang: JIANG WEI! opens door …no. NO! Jiang Wei too! Argh, how come all of this happened so suddenly?! There're bunch of scrolls here, let's see…tch, some calculus shit again?

Yueying: My lord…

Zhuge Liang: Seriously! This way we practically lost almost our entire kingdom! This is bad. REALLY bad. Alright, hold a conference for the remaining Shu members! We need to discuss this or there'll be a disaster.

Yueying: Um, don't you think that this IS already a disaster?

Zhuge Liang: …a WORSE disaster.

Yueying: Okay, okay!


At the conference hall

Zhuge Liang: Okay, first of all, let's see who are present here. Hmm…me, Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, that old man nobody cares about, Pang Tong, urgh…Wei Yan, my wife, and…well fuck, that's practically it! There are only SEVEN of us! Seriously! smashes his fist against the desk

Yueying: Ah! My lord, be careful or you'll break the desk!

Zhuge Liang: But this situation has gotten REALLY dire! Argh! covers his face Huff…if we don't do something, then the kingdom of Shu will die! We won't be able to spread BENEVOLENCE to the world anymore!

Yueying: My lord, calm down. You're the mighty strategist of Shu. You can help us.

Zhuge Liang: Huff…you're right, you're right. Okay, first of all, I need to declare something.

Everyone else: Hm?

Zhuge Liang: I'm sure all of you already know what's going on here. Suddenly our stash of pretty boys and girls are gone without any trace! Even Lord Liu Bei! So…in order to keep this kingdom alive, I will temporarily take control here!

Zhang Fei: What the?! Hey, that's illegal!

Guan Yu: Yeah! You just can't take the throne yourself! You're not even related to our brother!

Zhuge Liang: Hey, I'm not taking the throne! I'm just-

Wei Yan: You…rebel…must…die!

Zhuge Liang: Shut the hell up Wei Yan! You hypocrite! Huff…okay, okay! First of all, I'm NOT taking the throne! I'm simply taking temporary control here as the leader of Shu, but not it's Emperor, okay! And second, even Lord Liu Bei himself told me to just take control myself if his son Liu Shan turned out to be a complete fuckball!

Pang Tong: And turns out, he did. So why didn't you obey Lord Liu Bei's command?

Zhuge Liang: Well, that's because- Argh! You know what, forget it! The one thing we need to focus on here is to think of what might've possibly caused all of this! Any ideas?

Huang Zhong: raises hand Ooh! I know! I know!

Zhuge Liang: Oh my god, it's him…okay, what do you say?

Huang Zhong: Well, maybe they are just out doing some kind of a frat party! Yeah, I mean come on, they're just youths! Haha! Aahhh, I surely do remember my last frat party, it was a load of fun! It happened way before this bullshit about the falling Han dynasty happened!

Zhuge Liang: Oh god…facepalm When he starts to recall the old days, NOTHING can ever stop him.

Yueying: Let's just leave him be, then.

Zhuge Liang: Yes, yes. Okay, any others?

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei: Ooh! OOH! WE KNOW!

Zhuge Liang: Yes, what is it?

Guan Yu: Maybe those youngsters kidnapped our brother and his son to start a rebellion!

Zhang Fei: Yeah! After all, they've been a majority in our kingdom even though they were once a minority!

Guan Yu: You know that's not a good sign. They will depose our brother and start their own 'rad youngster'-filled kingdom!

Zhang Fei: But we KNOW that we, the veterans, certainly won't lose to them that easily!

Zhuge Liang: You know, this theory you two proposed is somehow even more absurd than Huang Zhong's. SOMEHOW. Next!

Pang Tong: ….

Zhuge Liang: Hey! HEY! smashes his fist against the table

Pang Tong: WHOAAA! falls off chair OUCH! That hurts!

Zhuge Liang: Why in the hell you're SLEEPING during this?! This is a very serious matter!

Pang Tong: Gah…so…rry…but anyway, I suppose I know the reason.

Zhuge Liang: What?

Pang Tong: They were kidnapped by those crazy-ass fangirls and fanboys! It's the most logical explanation, after all!

Zhuge Liang: What?! Argh, Pang Tong! It's too early to break the fourth wall! Nope! Next!

Wei Yan: I….know…

Zhuge Liang: Oh my god, it's him….sigh, fine. He's our last guy here anyway. What?

Wei Yan: Wei…kidnapped…them. Our….pretty boys….pretty girls….many….they….few….

Zhuge Liang: Wei? Wait a minute…we have lots of pretty boys and pretty girls, and they only have few…okay, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Wei Yan's right!

Everyone else: Huh? How?

Zhuge Liang: It's all clear now! Now, we know that Wei is the kingdom with the least amount of pretty boys-

Yueying: Uhh…how about Other?

Zhuge Liang: They're not even a kingdom! Okay, and since we have a LOT of them, Wei has kidnapped our stock of pretty boys in order to, um, 'refresh the scenery'! And about those pretty girls, well, Cao Cao. You can pretty much expect it from him.

Guan Yu: So, does this mean that?

Zhuge Liang: Yes! Okay, everyone, we will march onto Wei in order to reclaim our pretty boys and pretty girls back! They won't get away with this bullshit!

Zhang Fei: Oh my, this is great!

Zhuge Liang: Of course! And, I guess this is also the time I got to use this almighty tank you built, Yueying.

Yueying: Hell yes!

Zhuge Liang: Alright! Everyone, move onto the basement!

Everyone else: YOOSH!


Inside the Shu palace basement

Guan Yu: Whoooaaa! Well, damn! I never knew we got THIS level of advanced weaponry!

Zhuge Liang: Ahahahaha! I know right! You can thank for all that to my dear wife, Yueying.

Zhang Fei: But still, I don't understand. If that's so then why didn't we use it in our battles?

Guan Yu: Yeah! I mean, look at all this hot shit! We could've conquered the entire China in less than a second using these!

Zhuge Liang: Pssshh! Remember, we will ONLY use this if it's ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL. They're VERY dangerous!

Zhang Fei: But those battles were crucial too!

Zhuge Liang: Well, THIS is MORE crucial! Argh, forget it.

Huang Zhong: Hmph! Stupid youngsters and their stupid fancy gadgets! When I was your age, I…continues blabbing about the past

Zhuge Liang: Oh my god, he's at it again! Argh!

Pang Tong: Well, he's irrelevant anyway, so let's just ignore him.

Zhuge Liang: You're right. Okay, here we are!

Pang Tong: WHOA! Holy hot DAMN, SIR! That's one huge-ass tank!

Yueying: Hahaha! Of course! It took me TEN years to build this baby!

Zhuge Liang: Yeah! Alright! Everyone, jump in! jumps into cockpit

Yueying: Ha! jumps into cockpit

Guan Yu: Hm! jumps into cockpit

Zhang Fei: Hyah! jumps into cockpit

Pang Tong: Hoop! jumps into cockpit

Wei Yan: Wait…for…me! jumps into cockpit

Huang Zhong: …and let me tell you, we didn't have all this fancy Musous! We used ONLY our fists, and- Hey! Everyone's in already?! Come on, wait! jumps into cockpit Oof! My body…

Zhuge Liang: Okay! Now that everybody's in, let's go!

And so the giant Shu tank busted through the palace, scaring off many civilians.

Zhuge Liang: Hahaha! This is fun! Okay, Wei, you will NOT escape this time!


Fast forward to the front of the Wei palace, at evening…

Zhuge Liang: Okay! CANNON FIRE!

BOOOOMMMM!

Zhuge Liang: Ha! I finally got you, Cao Cao! Your greed ends here! Now, return our pretty boys and girls or I will blast your palace!

Cao Cao: What?! WHAT THE HELL?!

Zhuge Liang: Hah! Don't play dumb with me! I'll blast your fucking face! points cannon to Cao Cao's face

Cao Cao: AAAHHH! I…I don't know what are you talking about!

Xiahou Dun: Hey! Stay away from my lord! grabs weapon

Zhuge Liang: Take this! fires cannon

Xiahou Dun: What?! Tch! HYAH! slices cannonball in half Hah! Nice try, motherfuckers!

Zhuge Liang: Ooohhh….shiiiittttt.

Xiahou Dun: HYAAAHHHHH! unleashes Musou, which slices the tank in many pieces, causing it to crumble down and revealing the Shu members inside the cockpit

Zhuge Liang: widens eyes …..shit.

Pang Tong: So much for the 'almighty tank', eh.

Zhuge Liang: Shut the fuck up.

Xiahou Dun: TAKE THIS!

Zhuge Liang: AAAHHHHH!

Jia Xu: Hold your weapons!

Xiahou Dun: Jia Xu? Why? These Shu twats are trying to destroy this palace!

Jia Xu: Now, now, this is not the time to recklessly fight each other. Perhaps we should try asking them nicely why would they attack this place?

Cao Cao: Jia Xu? Well, we're eternal enemies! It's only natural that they would attack us!

Jia Xu: Ahaha! No, no, that is not what I mean. Here, I heard that he was saying something about pretty boys and pretty girls, ain't he?

Xiahou Dun: Yes?

Jia Xu: Then, it's clear! Perhaps they're also having the same problem we're currently having right now. Maybe we can ask them for some clues!

Cao Cao: Hmm…good point! Now, Zhuge Liang, may I ask the reason why you suddenly attacked us?

Zhuge Liang: This morning, suddenly all of our stash of pretty boy and pretty girls disappeared! And we concluded that it was you who kidnapped them due to your scarcity of pretty boys! Also, you, Cao Cao, must've also kidnapped the pretty girls to keep them as your bitches, as well! It's obvious!

Cao Cao: Holy crap, so we're suffering the same problem, indeed!

Zhuge Liang: What? You're also having this, too?

Cao Cao: Yes! My son Cao Pi, his wife Zhenji, my two advisors Guo Jia and Xun Yu, Wang Yi, as well as three of my best generals Zhang He, Yue Jin, and Li Dian have all disappeared, as well!

Zhuge Liang: All of those you've mentioned are pretty boys and pretty girls…I see! So we have the same problem! Only because your faction are mostly composed of old guys anyway their disappearance don't matter much, I guess.

Cao Cao: Sigh…yes, I know.

Zhuge Liang: Yeah, but look at us! Ever since our pretty boy and pretty girls disappeared, there're essentially only SEVEN of us!

Xiahou Dun: BWAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAA! Man, poor you.

Cao Cao: Do you have some clues as to where they've gone to?

Zhuge Liang: That's precisely the reason why I even attacked you at the first place! I thought you kidnapped them! Huff…well, there are other theories, but they're so fucking nonsensical it's not even worth it.

Cao Cao: Hmm…really strange indeed!

However, just at that moment, Deng Ai, Zhuge Dan, and Guo Huai suddenly emerged from the palace floor.

Deng Ai: Huff…

Zhuge Dan: WHOOO! MAN! That was quite a trip!

Guo Huai: Cough! Cough! Argh…I think…I think I'm gonna die…

Cao Cao: AAAAHHHH! WHO, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! WHY DID YOU SUDDENLY POP OUT OF THE FLOOR?!

Deng Ai: Eh? Oh, we're sorry, Lord Cao Cao!

Zhuge Dan: Yeah…we were taking an underground trip, hehe…

Guo Huai: Being pinched between these two guys REALLY made my condition worse…

Zhuge Liang: Wait a minute…you three are from Jin, right?

Zhuge Dan: Oh, hi there cousin! As a matter of fact, yes.

Zhuge Liang: Hmm…why there are only three of you? …oh, wait! Don't tell me that you?!

Deng Ai: Yeah, well, we came here to Wei because suddenly almost the entire Jin kingdom disappeared! Only three of us remained!

Guo Huai: At last…to be able to come back to the Wei I used to know…now I can die in peace…

Zhuge Liang: Hey, hey! Don't die just yet!

Cao Cao: I see…so it seems that all of the factions have this very same problem! I wonder about Wu and Other…

Suddenly, another chunk of the Wei palace walls were destroyed. Once the dust was cleared, it reveals Sun Jian, Lu Bu, and whole other guys at the Wu kingdom.

Sun Jian: Alright! Cao Cao! I know what you intend! Return our boys and girls or I'll fry your ass alive!

Lu Bu: GRAAAAAARRGHHH! GIMME BACK MY GIRLS!

Cao Cao: jawdrop

Zhuge Liang: Seems like we have a bit of company here…

To Be Continued….


So, how the three other factions fared? To find out, please keep on reading and leave a review! Good day!