Duo's jaw dropped and his eyes grew as wide as saucers. It was akin to experiencing his greatest desire and most horrible nightmare meshed together in one moment of undefinable agony and bliss. The thoughts in his mind spun wildly as they struggled to create words or even cohesive thoughts at seeing the man standing before him. The only definitive thought in his mind was a name he only uttered while in solitude when the ghosts of the past rose to haunt him.
Heero.
The hands still wrapped around the wheels of his chair tightened with enough force that the joints in his knuckles bleached white. His brain vaguely alerted him to the pain in his hands, which he ignored as he had always done with that sensation. Pain was never something he had all that much trouble ignoring—he was used to it, after all. Hunger pains as a child on the streets. Bleeding wounds from the war. Hell, he'd even had a raging case of blue balls once and that was a physical pain no man could ever forget.
He swallowed around the thickness in his throat and took in his uninvited guest. It was Heero, there was no denying his identity. Even after ten years, he still seemed unable to tame that wild mop of hair. Those startling exotically shaped blue eyes reminded him of past longings and he shifted his gaze away to examine the rest of him in an effort to distract himself from those futile thoughts.
Heero's shoulders had broadened out and he had grown about a foot since he'd last seen him. He was still a bit on the short side, but quite within the normal range for his genetic coding. His height was a definite representation of his Asian descent, after all. But even being shorter than the Caucasian norm, Heero's presence made his physical stature a nonissue. Even acting like a damn computer program, he had garnered the respect and attention of most people he met. He possessed an innate charisma that drew others in.
Staring at him, Duo didn't know what to say. His mouth was dry and his stomach clenched. Even his heart began to pound a loud staccato against his chest wall. He waited for Heero to say something else, but even he seemed at a loss for words, not that he was surprised in the least. It didn't take a genius to know how he looked sitting in a wheelchair.
The silence killed him, and he was the first to break it. "What are you doing here, Heero?"
"Hilde called me."
"Of course she did." He closed his eyes and lifted a hand to rub the bridge of his nose. He should have known his little make-out session with the gun hadn't completely escaped her eyes. Why couldn't she have just left well enough alone? He hadn't tried to kill himself since, despite the wistful longing for oblivion. At least she hadn't been foolish enough to try and take the gun from him. In the state he'd been in on that day, he would have likely shot her.
"She's worried about you."
"Let me guess, she told you I was suicidal. Did she happen to mention with good fucking reason?" Duo pointed to the chair he sat in eighteen hours out of the day. "I think I have a pretty damn good reason for not wanting to live."
"Not being able to use your legs is not a good reason to end your life," stated Heero plainly. He might not be the semi-robot of the past, but that slightly nasally way he spoke was grating on his nerves all the same. It brought up memories, ones he did not want to recall.
"How about we trade places? Then you can tell me how easy it is," he snarled.
"Do you think I wouldn't?"
"Talk's easy when you don't have to follow through with it." Duo glared at him and gave a hard shove on the wheels of his chair, not bothering to avoid Heero. "Living isn't always the better option, and you fucking know it."
It gave him a small amount of pleasure to see the man sidestep out of his way. Heero Yuy had never stepped aside for anyone, at least not him. As he rolled down the hallway, he could hear the muted sound of Heero's feet as he followed him and chose to ignore him.
He was so damn pissed at Hilde that if she was standing in his house, he could very well have taken a gun to her. It wasn't like he hadn't done that before. Hell, he'd shot Heero twice upon first meeting him.
He'd suspected that she'd seen the gun. Hell, even with his back to her, she had to have known. He should have known she wouldn't leave well enough alone. What he had not expected was for her to call up Heero-fucking-Yuy.
Where the hell had she dug him up? How had she dug him up? It wasn't like any of them couldn't disappear without a trace—electronically speaking, and he hadn't seen Heero's name or face represented in any of the articles or photographs containing Relena Peacecraft. He had pretty much dropped completely out of the public eye...pretty much like himself, if he wanted to be honest.
Opening the door to his study/workroom, he wheeled inside and up to the remains of his laptop the previous day. He'd really done a number on the machine. He was going to have to rebuild the thing from the ground up. It would probably be cheaper to simply buy a new one and upgrade it, but considering this would be his only source of entertainment, he chose the annoyance of rebuilding the machine.
He felt more than saw Heero move up beside him. He remained just out of arm's length and silent, watching him with those damn eyes. It made his chest hurt and breathed life into the emotions he had shoved into the back of his mind. It was just his luck that Heero would show his face to him again when he was like this, a broken man with no hope of any sort of life.
While staring at the broken computer, he marveled at just how like him the machine was. It was nearly worthless, the parts being more valuable than the whole. But unlike him, it could be repaired. There were boxes of spare computer parts behind him and every conceivable tool to use. The computer could be saved.
An exhaled breath escaped his chest and he finally turned to see Heero. His face was blank, but that was nothing new. It had been his goal in the past to attempt to crack that mask...and had done so. Not as often as he would have liked, but more than any of the others. The only person to annoy Heero more than him was Relena. She'd been a nice enough girl, but damn if she wasn't annoyingly good at following Heero around.
He almost laughed at a few memories that surfaced. It was almost like Relena Peacecraft had a Heero radar inserted in her brain. Annoying as she could be, she had a good heart and really fought for Earth and the colonies. He had really expected Heero to stay by her side and be the silent guardian he seemed destined to be, maybe even marry her and have a requisite two children and a dog. He refused to be relieved that such had not happened.
"Duo..."
"Why'd you come, Heero? And don't feed me some bullshit about Hilde being worried. You don't give two shits about her or what worries her."
"That's not true," answered Heero calmly.
"I told you not to bullshit me," snapped Duo.
Heero sighed and shook his head, causing the dark bangs to obscure his eyes. "You didn't let me finish. I said it's not true when what worries her involves you."
"And what's so damn special about me? You seemed to pretty easily forget I even existed for ten years."
A flash of something darkened Heero's eyes before it disappeared under a mask of calm. "I wasn't the only one who forgot. When was the last time you spoke to any of us? To Quatre?"
The ice in his chest cracked and the anger in him flared when the jab hit a little too close to home. "Don't bring the others into this. They aren't here."
"I'm sure if they knew what had happened to you, they would be in a heartbeat. Quatre would worry."
Duo snorted. "He worries about everyone."
Heero's eyes sharpened. "Quatre only worries about those he cares about. You mean a lot to him, to all of us. No one else could understand what we experienced. The wars and our lives after them changed us. I changed. I'm not the same person you knew."
"That goes double for me. I'm about half the person I was."
He saw Heero's features harden and was rather surprised. That asshole actually looked angry. He'd seen him angry before, but not like that, so suddenly. It was almost frightening to see. He looked ready to kill, but unlike the times in the past when he had taken lives, he'd never really shown any emotion at doing so. There had never been any anger associated with his actions during the wars, only cold calculation. When Heero had fired on the enemy, he had not batted a lash at the deaths resulting from his attacks.
"I don't find that humorous, Duo."
"You wouldn't. You never could laugh at a joke," he groused and added a glare just for the hell of it. "You still have that damn stick up your ass...maybe not as bad as Wufei's stick, but bad enough."
Heero's frown didn't fade in the slightest. "You're deflecting."
Duo sighed and through up his hands in defeat. "What do you want from me, Heero? Do you want me to be the same guy who bounced around with a smile on his face? Well, I hate to disappoint you, but I can't. Hell, I'm so fucked up that I can't even smile a fake smile any more. I'm not that kid anymore. I'm a shadow of that person. Maybe I'm already dead and my damn body hasn't caught up to that knowledge because I sure as hell can't feel a damn thing anymore...inside or out."
Heero frowned and looked as if he would take a step forward before settling once more into a strained sense of calm. There was a coiled tension barely visible in Heero's eyes. It was curious because during the war, the only expressions that were visible were the extremes brought on by his determination to come out the victor in his endeavor.
Now, there was that unnamable darkness in his eyes. His curiosity was piqued, even if only slightly.
"I don't want anything from you. I want to help you."
"Well, unless you're a neurosurgeon who invented a way to reconnect my spine, there isn't anything you can do to help me. According to all the other doctors, I'm pretty much fucked."
"Stop evading. You're hiding."
"It's what I'm good at, after all."
Heero's gaze softened. "Let me help you, Duo."
Duo stared at him with an incredulous expression. What the fuck had happened to Heero? True, Heero could be termed as the helping sort in a warped way. He had risked his life to help the colonists. What came off as odd was Heero wanting to help him. In the big picture he was no one and Heero had never really shown any strong attachment to him, not like what he had developed for the other. And that pissed him off all the more. Now, when he was as he was, Heero suddenly developed a need to come to him.
"Fuck you, Heero Yuy." Duo twisted his wheelchair so that he completely faced him. Even staring up at him, he didn't allow that asshole to see anything, but defiance. "I don't want or need help."
"Hilde didn't seem to think so."
"Fuck Hilde. She doesn't know what it's like, and neither do you. You say you'd change places with me, but do you really know what that means? You probably think it would be easy to adjust after a while, right? Just build up the strength in your arms and go on about your life, but you don't know shit. Do you know how long it takes to get dressed in the morning? It takes a good ten minutes just to pull on some damn pants, and that's after I take a dump in the toilet on a set schedule that I've trained my body to do. After my timed shit, I put on a diaper...like a fucking baby in case I accidentally mess myself, not that I would know if I did since I can't feel a damn thing."
He took a few breaths that did nothing to calm his anger and frustrations. No one understood what it was like to be so damn helpless over everything. No one really realized how hard it was when you couldn't stand or walk or even have full control over your bodily functions. Saying and truly understanding were two very different things.
"I can't even have an orgasm anymore. If I rub myself hard enough, sometimes my body will let me get a partial erection and maybe even a little cum will spill out, but I can't feel a damn thing. It's like rubbing someone else's body. I won't ever have sex again, but do you want to know what the worst part is? I don't think I even care, because in all honesty, who would want to have sex with a paralyzed man? It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does." Duo took another breath and closed his eyes. "So, you should just call up Hilde, tell her I'm fine...that I'm alive, and just leave. I don't know why you even bothered coming. It's not like you were ever the sort to care."
"I'm not leaving."
He glared and grabbed a screwdriver from a box and waved the tool at him. "Yes, you fucking are. I'm fine. I don't need you or anyone else. You've done your duty and come to see me in all my splendor. Now, I need you to leave."
"I'm not leaving," Heero repeated.
Duo turned his back on him, not able to bear looking at him any longer. "Please, Heero. I need to be alone. It hurts to damn much with you here. Please..."
He cursed himself at how weak he sounded. The old Duo Maxwell would never have sounded that weak. He would have cursed and spat and fought. Regaining the control he had allowed to slip took a long and brutal moment along with several deeply fortifying breaths.
He grabbed his tools and began to tinker with the computer. Even with the majority of his attention focused on the hardware before him, a small part of his brain was hyperaware of Heero's steady gaze on him. He fought back a shiver and only finally breathed a sigh of relief when the door to his study closed with an audible snap. He reached over to a radio and turned up the music as loud as he could to drown out the sound of Heero leaving. And a lone tear streaked down his face. Why couldn't that ass have stayed away? Why did he have to come and bring with him the memories better left buried in the past? Why had he come now?
oOo
Heero's chest contracted as he closed the door to Duo's workroom. His hands dug into a pocket for the prescription bottle hidden there. He debated for several long breaths about taking a pill. His anxiety was the highest it had been since before he had gone into treatment. Worry and dread filled him at seeing Duo. He wasn't bothered by the chair. It was a nonissue for him.
It was the dead look in Duo's eyes that had been like an arrow to his chest and created the progressive growth in his anxiety. It was obvious that Duo wasn't even bothering to take care of himself. The hair that he had been obsessive about during the wars was in need of a wash judging by its greasy shine and his body could stand another twenty pounds of weight. In both mind and body, he looked as if he had given up and was waiting to die.
The more he thought about the Duo Maxwell he had seen only moments ago, the more depressed he became. His muscles were spasming and he could feel the far too familiar urge to revert back into the emotionless state that had cocooned him during the wars.
That thought, and the reminder of what the Zero program had made him into had him breaking down and popping a single pill into his mouth. He didn't even bother with water as he swallowed the bitter medicine and took another deep breath. Inside the workroom, he could hear Duo's music blaring. Duo had only played music like that when he sought to hide from the world.
Sitting on the edge of the sofa, he cradled his head in his hands until he felt the pill begin to take effect. The minutes seemed to tick by far too slowly until he was finally able to gain control over himself. He still felt on edge, far too much to be completely comfortable, but within what he would term acceptable. His hand did not even shake as he pulled his phone from his pocket and scrolled down to find a newly inserted number.
The line was picked up after only two rings. "Heero? Are you there? How is he?"
Heero barely had a moment to think as Hilde fired questions at him. "I'm here. He's...on the edge."
"What's that mean?"
He thought for a moment before answering. "It means that you almost waited too long to call me. He's standing on the edge of a building looking down at the pavement and preparing to jump."
He heard her breath catch through the connection. "You have to help him, Heero. He'll listen to you. Please, Heero, help him. He's my best friend."
It wasn't like he even considered denying the request. Already his mind had shifted ever so slightly back into old habits he had thought long dismissed. Or perhaps, they were just waiting for a challenge to bring them into light. Already his mind was creating scenarios and working through probabilities as if it was a computer. It wasn't remnants of the Zero system, not completely. It was simply the way he had been wired since childhood. Even the antipsychotic meds he was forced to take daily could not halt the lifetime of training he had received. He knew without any doubt that even if he had been lying on the ground bleeding, if he had heard of Duo needing help, he would have found the strength to reach Duo's side even if the act killed him.
"Heero?"
He took a breath and exhaled slowly before answering. "Mission Accepted."
Not waiting for her to respond, he ended the call and replaced the phone in his pocket. Glancing around the house, he took in the layers of dust and grime. Disorganization filled the space and finally his obsessiveness began to get the better of him. With Duo currently locked away from him in the figurative sense, he needed to do something to occupy his mind while he considered how to approach all future interactions with his mission subject.
Barely used cleaning supplies were quickly found hidden away in a closet in the laundry room. He took the bucket, cheap cleaning product that smelled a bit too strongly of pine, and mop in hand. Before long, the kitchen was coated in the scent of pine cleaner and looked considerably better.
The rhythmic movements of the mop in hand allowed his mind to wander. He thought back to his memories of Duo and compared him to the bitter and angry man he had met earlier. It was a crime to see such a brilliant soul brought to such a state. In a lot of ways, Duo had kept him and the others going when things were at their darkest. He always carried a smile, even if it was a mask put on to hide his thoughts. If Quatre had been the heart of their small group, Duo had been the soul.
Thinking of the chair, the anger he had not allowed himself to dwell on resurfaced. Up until now, his thoughts had been only on Duo, with only a passing thought to the man who had put him in that position. Now that his mind had free rein, it flowed over ways he could destroy the man. For someone of his talents, he could ruin the man and leave not a single shred of evidence leading back to him. That man would eventually pay for what he had done...though he would need to think on what he would do to him.
He poured out the dirty water into the sink and grabbed a cleaning cloth and furniture polish. The music in the workroom still blared and he fought the urge to poke his head in and check on Duo. The fear he had felt upon hearing of Duo's suicidal inclinations still ate away at him. The pill he had taken earlier numbed him enough that he was able to fight the urges rising. He would respect Duo's need for privacy for now.
He was wiping the last bit of dust from an unused mantle over a fireplace when his stomach grumbled loudly. A quick glance at his watch had his eyes widening. He had spent almost three hours cleaning. The kitchen and den were in considerably better shape than when he had arrived, but the house would still need a lot of work to appear livable.
As he strolled into the kitchen, he made a mental list of what would need to be done in the house. For now, he would focus on the more public areas and leave Duo's room for last. Maybe by that time, he would have drawn Duo from some of his depression.
Opening the refrigerator, he arched a brow at the empty space. There were a few bottles of condiments and a bottle of flat cola inside. The cabinets showed the same state of emptiness.
"What has he been eating?" he growled to himself.
He had noticed that Duo looked thin, far too thin if he wanted to be honest with himself. Hilde hadn't mentioned that he wasn't eating and he frowned to himself. He didn't want to leave the house, but considering the state of provisions, he would need to make a run to a local grocer for at least enough for dinner and breakfast.
He jerked out his phone and pulled up a map with local businesses marked. It was almost a mile to the nearest grocer. His mind was already calculating the time it would take to reach the business, purchase food, and then return with the bags. He would be gone for a while and that knowledge set off an annoyed tic beneath his eye.
Checking his pants for his wallet, he blew out a small puff of air before glancing at the door from which heavy rock blared with eardrum bursting sound. Leaving was necessary—an unavoidable requirement for his overall mission. If he walked at a brisk pace, he could make it to the store in ten minutes. Providing he was not required to spend an inconvenient amount of time searching for what he needed, he could be back to the house in less than forty-five minutes. It was an acceptable absence time.
Decision made, he strode determinedly from the house and down the block. He made it to the store in eight minutes—a smallish mom and pop sort of place with a single register and surprisingly fresh looking produce and meats. He was pleased with the selection offered despite the size of the establishment and quickly went about choosing from various meats, breads, and vegetables. He grabbed a package of bagels and some cream cheese for breakfast. Tomorrow, he would need to arrange for transportation to make a more satisfactory provision run or possibly call Hilde and have her bring food so he would not need to leave Duo alone.
The elderly woman at the register smiled sweetly at him and began to tally his purchases. He fought the urge to snap at her to hurry when the machine refused to scan one of the items he had chosen. He had fallen four minutes behind his allotted schedule and his obsessive quirks were beginning to affect him. His eyes darted around the shop and he found himself unable to stop his fingers from twitching against his leg as she finally gave him his total and he handed over a card.
With two heavy bags in hand, he practically ran down the sidewalk in an effort to recover the lost minutes. His face remained in a serious line and he cursed himself for giving into the obsessions he had once thought under control. It was of little use to tell himself that this grocery run was not a mission and that lives did not depend on him keeping exactly to the timetable he had initially created. He knew he would need another pill tonight or he would work his fingers to the bone because of the failure of doing so. And to think he had thought himself finally free of those damned anxiety pills. It was bad enough with being forced to take the routine antipsychotics. Adding in the anxiety medication only frustrated him all the more.
His hands shook as he practically threw the grocery bags onto the counter beside the stove and his mind quickly provided another mission for him to undertake. Dinner preparation. At least he was pretty damn sure this one would be completed successfully and within his personally allotted timeframe.
oOo
Duo tossed aside a soldering tool and leaned back in his chair with a groan. He didn't have to glance at his watch to know it was time to urinate, if it could even be called that when he had to shove a tube up the end of his dick and into his bladder just to relieve the build-up of piss.
He glared at his watch. The device was probably about to go off any second and with a sigh, he killed the music and stretched his arms over his head, hearing the bones in his spine crack and stretch. His neck had a slight kink in it and there was a stiffness that came from remaining hunched over for several hours.
A grunt escaped him as he used his arms to shift his body in the chair. If he wasn't careful, he would end up with decubitus ulcers on his ass, not that he would feel it, but the thought of open sores bothered him enough to be mindful shifting his body from time to time.
As he shifted about, he thought about Heero. He glanced toward the closed door with a frown. It was highly unlikely that the other had left for good, even after having been thrown out of the room. If he had left, it would only be to regroup and return later. The man's life was one giant mission and failure wasn't an option. But, Duo had no intention of letting Heero dictate the way he would live.
Rolling his chair toward the exit, he opened the door and was slammed with the delicious smell of cooking meat and vegetables. His stomach actually rumbled at the spicy scent wafting through the air. He could not recall the last time he had even wanted to eat, let alone smelled something that good.
"Damn it, Heero," he growled to himself and shoved himself down the hall toward his room.
The bathroom was quite large, with a low sink. He probably wouldn't have bothered washing his hands, but he'd had a urinary tract infection several months back and it was more trouble than it was worth. The doctor had said if he didn't take care to protect himself, they would insert a permanent catheter. Duo had told him they would do it over his dead body. He had fought tooth and nail to keep from having a colostomy bag inserted; he sure as hell did not want a urinary one.
After washing his hands, he pulled a sterile pouch from beneath the sink and opened it before pulling sterile gloves on his hands. Taking his limp dick in one hand, he inserted the lubricated end of the catheter up his dick with a visible wince. He didn't feel it, but damn if it didn't creep the hell out of him.
He sighed when the yellow urine began working its way down the tube and into the bag. What he wouldn't give to just be able to pee without having to shove something up his dick, even if he had to do it sitting down.
He removed the bag and poured the contents in the toilet before flushing and washing his hands. He wouldn't have to bother with trying to shit for a couple of hours. He ran a finger into the cottony material of the adult diaper to check for moisture before adjusting it and the lounge pants he wore and rolling in the direction of food.
Seeing Heero in front of the stove seemed ridiculously out of place. During the war, Trowa and Quatre had done most of the cooking. He wasn't sure he had ever seen Heero cook during those days.
"And here I thought you lived off protein rations and water." He almost slapped himself at the comment that had escaped unbidden from his lips.
Heero turned and arched a brow. "There was no need after the war was over."
"You're a fucking creature of habit. The war being over wouldn't have mattered."
A low rumbling laugh escaped Heero as he moved to place a steaming boil of stir fry on the table. Duo looked over the meal dumbly, taking in the steamed rice, beef stir fry, and chopped fruit. "I'm pretty damn sure I didn't have all that stuff."
"You didn't have much of anything," growled Heero. "You're not taking care of yourself."
"And what's it to you?" retorted Duo.
Heero's glare faded from his face, but his lips remained a thin line. It was obvious he was not going to answer the question. Not that Duo wanted him to. He was too afraid to hear the answer.
Heero took a few plates from the cabinet and sat them on the table beside some flatware. "Eat."
"God, when did you start channeling Quatre?" he grumbled.
"Just be glad I didn't call him."
Duo paled at the thought. Quatre was probably pissed enough at him for avoiding contact for so long, if he found out about the accident, he did not even want to think about the ass-kicking he would receive from his old friend. It shamed him to think that he had pushed away the only people who could really understand how his mind worked, but when he had left them at the end of the last war, he had severed all ties for the sake of his own sanity.
"Do you talk with the others often?" he winced at the sound of his voice, unable to deny the hunger he felt for news of them. The most he knew was that Quatre was still king of the world with his company. It was hard to even walk down the street without seeing something related to WEI.
"Some. Quatre is getting married in the fall."
Duo snorted. "To Trowa?"
Heero blinked gave a small chuckle. "Quatre and Trowa aren't like that."
"Could have fooled me," he grumbled as he took a bite of the food and blinked in surprise at the burst of flavors across his tongue. He actually had to fight against the urge to shove as much food as he could into his mouth, likely making himself sick in the process.
Heero smirked and shrugged. "They are just friends."
"Right," he drawled. "What about the others?"
"Trowa is working as an engineer for Quatre, but I don't know specifics."
That actually surprised Duo. "Come again? What happened to the circus bit?"
"That was never a long term option for him."
"I just never pictured him as that sort. I always figured if he ever retired from circus life that he would find a farm and raise goats or something."
Heero choked on the water he was drinking. "Goats?"
"What? You have a problem with goats?"
Heero shook his head and Duo gave a small snicker. It felt nice to talk like this. For a brief moment, he forgot about his injury or about the frustrations created simply by living. The years faded away and he was simply having dinner with a friend.
"I assume Wufei is still with the Preventers."
"Of course."
"Figures. Does he still carry around the sword?"
Heero shook his head. "It's against regulations to carry unsanctioned weapons."
That actually earned a laugh. "I bet he just loves that."
Duo fiddled with his fork, pushing around the food on his plate before speaking again when silence stretched between them. "They don't know, do they? About me, I mean."
"They don't."
"Good. Don't tell them. I'd rather them not see me like this."
Heero frowned and leaned forward. "Duo..."
"Don't say it. Don't say there is nothing wrong with me and that it's still me...because it's not. I don't even feel the same. So please, don't insult me by saying that it wouldn't matter, because it does matter. It matters to me." Duo slammed his fist onto the table, rattling the plates and bowls.
Without saying another word, he turned his attention back to the food. The delicious dish had suddenly turned to sawdust in his mouth and he had to fight just to swallow down the bites. He didn't stop until he was sure he had eaten enough to keep Heero off his back. He'd have had to be blind not to notice the way he eyed his plate, as if calculating the amount of calories he ingested.
Judging that he had eaten enough, he pushed back from the table and twisted his chair toward the hall. "I'm not going to bother telling you to leave because it's obvious you're not going to do it, but leave me the hell alone. I'm tired and I just want to sleep."
He didn't wait for Heero to respond before he began rolling down the hall to begin the long task of preparing for bed. The ache in his chest quadrupled in potency as it cried out at having what it had wanted dangled so close and being forever denied it. He had never wanted to die more than he did in that moment.
